The queer community at Essex, while robust, is severely lacking in counterculture and variety. Sure, there are transwomen and transmen and enby’s and lesbians and gays and aces and everything in between every spectrum, but if there’s one thing Alicia has learned in her time as the director of the women’s center, it’s that the queer community is surprisingly monogamous when it comes to relationships. And it’s not a problem, at all, it’s just. It makes it difficult to find somebody to talk to when you suddenly have feelings for two people at once.
It reminds Alicia of high school, when all her friends started talking about dating and fawning over the boys or girls they had crushes on and Alicia just didn’t get it because she never met anybody that made her feel those things. She felt on the outside, and now, five years later, as she works through being friends with Leighton and Tatum, she can’t help but feel like something has shifted in the last three months.
Sure, she and Leighton had tried to be something earlier that year, but then Leighton had spiraled and Alicia bailed as soon as she knew the situation wouldn’t be good for her mental health and then all of a sudden Kimberly is calling her and some other blonde New Yorker named Tatum and explaining how worried she is about Leighton and her lack of eating and it’s like the next six months pass in a blur.
Alicia would never let her schoolwork suffer, and she doesn’t, but her social life takes a complete nose-dive. Her entire world becomes Leighton with a side of Tatum and Kimberly, and then it becomes Leighton and Tatum, and while Alicia had known that Leighton and Tatum were on their way to being something, she felt like the third-wheel that was stopping them from ever becoming more.
Except then Tatum had started texting just Alicia. At first it had just been to coordinate their different plans of attack to get Leighton to eat but the evolution came pretty quickly after that, and now that she’s finished with the school year, and Leighton is getting some professional help the first few weeks of summer, Alicia is stuck on campus (not really, she chose to be here and work) thinking about how she doesn’t have anybody to talk to about having feelings for two different women at the same time.
And she really doesn’t have anybody around to tell her if she’s right or not that the two women in question seem to have feelings for her. Which would be fine, it really would be, except the last time Alicia and Tatum had spoken, Tatum had recounted a story where Leighton called both of them her girlfriends and they had sat on the phone in silence for about five minutes before somebody called for Tatum on the other side of the call.
Which leads her to this point, sitting in the chair that Leighton had purchased for the center, contemplating the different queer communities she has contacts in to see if anybody can help her with this quarter-life crisis she’s gotten herself into. Part of her wants to run for the hills and she’s even considered transferring schools but she’s too far into her degree now to want to make that kind of commitment and she knows that would be unfair to both Tatum and Leighton. Part of Alicia wants to explore whatever it is they have and then dip as soon as things even hint at going wrong for her. Part of her wants to know what it would feel like to have Tatum’s hands on her body, working with the skilled fingers of Leighton to pull her apart.
Alicia groans in frustration when she comes up blank on who to ask for help.
“Anything specific your phone did to earn that growl?” Comes Tova’s voice from behind Alicia’s shoulder.
“Just having another queer crisis,” she says without looking up.
“Tell me about it. I swear it’s a new identity crisis everyday. You wanna talk about it?”
Alicia thinks about Tova’s offer. Out of all the people she calls her friends, Tova is most likely going to be the one to let Alicia get everything out of her system before offering advice or a shoulder to lean on. Ginger is great, but she has a habit of taking everything as an opportunity for advice and a lesson into queer history and Alicia doesn’t know what she wants from her friends just yet.
“If I just talk, will you listen?”
“Will this conversation require alcohol or snacks?”
And this is how Alicia comes to bear her entire soul to Tova about the new complexities in her life that take the forms of tall blondes from New York.
“And like I know for sure that I like them, obviously I know what goes on in my body, and I know about polyamory but I just feel so out of my depth because it turns out that Tatum has the emotional wisdom of an old woman and is patient as hell and I think Leighton’s grown so much but is it even right to be feeling these kind of feelings? Am I somehow taking advantage of them? I know they’re dating and 1 don’t want to seem like some sort of creep, you know?”
“First of all, do you want my advice or do you want to just sit in your feelings, because you just asked a lot of questions and I don’t know how many of them were rhetorical or not,” Tova asks. Somehow this is enough to bring tears to Alicia’s eyes and before she can even answer Tova’s question, she’s bawling her eyes out.
Alicia isn’t sure how long they stay there, her practically falling into Tova’s lap as she cries for what is probably the first time in years and it just so happens to be about two girls this time.
“I thought I had all this shit figured out already. Being gay is hard enough, why did I have to come to a college with such attractive and cool queer people,” comes the watery admission when Alicia has finally cried herself out.
Before Tova can chime in with words they’ve said a thousand times to hundreds of other kids, Alicia gives them a sharp glare. “Don’t you dare say it. I know it’s a spectrum and a never ending cycle of figuring things out.”
—
Alicia ends up taking her own advice for once and texting both Leighton and Tatum to see if the tree of them can get together and have a conversation about their lives to see if the other two mermen have felt the changes in the air. They set up a date – which Alicia refuses to read into more than necessary – to talk things through and Alicia is more nervous for this not-date date than she was coming out to her parents.
Mutual consensus has them meeting at an off campus café where there is very little chance of any friends, teammates, or roommates finding them and interrupting or misinterpreting anything. The conversation flows easily, as it has been for the last few weeks in particular which almost makes it harder for Alicia to bring up the topic of her feelings. But she knows they made a promise to each other when she and Tatum first seriously started helping Leighton that all feelings would be shaved without hesitation because of how heavy an eating disorder is mentally and all three of them were interested in protecting their own mental health.
“Look, there’s something I’ve been wanting to discuss with you for a while now but I wasn’t sure it would be worth it, but we promised to be honest with each other so l feel it’s only fair that I tell you that I have feelings for you guys.”
Alicia says the words she’s spent all week rehearsing and it doesn’t stop the world from spinning like she thought it would. Instead, Alicia is shocked to feel the weight of somebody’s hand covering hers in the table but she refuses to look up to see who has reached out for her. She doesn’t want to see a look of pity on Tatum’s face because she caught feelings for her girlfriend.
“Alicia, can you look at me?” Rain a asks, and it takes everything in Alicia to pull her eyes away from the table and to meet Tatum head on. She will not cower, but when she eventually meets Targums eyes, she’s surprised to find a hidden smile there.
“Thank you for being honest with us, especially with something like this. And I’m not mad, it’s pretty hard to resist Leighton.” Alicia thinks Tatum is trying to be funny to brash the tension, but it only serves to remind Alicia that she’s speaking to them both, two women who are already dating each other and her heart starts trying to beat out of her chest. Why did she ever think having feelings for two people at once was going to be easy? Now that she’s gotten the words out there Alicia is starting to rethink everything again. She tries to remember what Tova has said to her a few weeks ago but it gets harder with each breast she takes.
Leighton clears her throat and it feels like an eternity has passed in the time Alicia has been avoiding their eyes. “If it makes any of this easier, I have feelings for the both of you too,” and yeah, maybe that does actually make this a little bit easier, somehow. But Leighton is only one half of the present relationship and Tatum hasn’t actually said anything about this from her perspective.
“Alicia,” that voice is surprisingly calm and somehow that makes the storm in Alicia’s heart tear its head once more. “There’s no need to worry. Leighton’s feelings may be stronger than mine, because honestly I’m not sure what my feelings are, but we’ve talked about this and you shouldn’t worry. No matter what, you’re stuck with us.”
To hear that Tatum, who is so sure of everything in her life from school to athletics to the future, is unsure about something like feelings for another woman that isn’t her girlfriend is refreshing. It means Alicia hasn’t gone absolutely bat shit insane.
“All we ask for is open communication. Nothing has to happen that anybody isn’t ready for, and as far as the two of us are concerned, you’ve been part of this partnership for a lot longer than the last few weeks. You don’t have to worry about feelings right now. Whatever happens, happens.”
And goddamnit that sounds so simple when Tatum says it that Alicia can see the tears of therapy the older blonde has experienced come to the surface. Feelings are a two way (or a three way) street and she isn’t alone in this; there are two other people she can talk to scout this and they’re sitting right across from her.
Somehow, in the midst of all the emotions and awkward confessions, a comfortable air has enveloped them in a bubble of peace that makes the next twenty minutes of silence pass without difficulty. Tatum hasn’t let go of her hand and whether or not that’s intentional, Alicia doesn’t know. But what she fires know is how nice it is to feel those tennis-strong fingers tattoo out an unconscious rhythm on the sensitive skin of her palm. It’s an action Alicia has observed between Leighton and Tatum and somehow it feels right to experience it herself.
When she finishes the last of her coffee, Tatum silently holds out her hand for the cup as she gathers Leighton’s cup and head towards the trash, leaving Alicia alone with Leighton who hasn’t said much more than admitting her own feelings.
“I never stopped thinking about you,” Leighton says. It’s not what Alicia expected, but to hear the words out loud makes her stomach flip like it has when they first kissed at that frat party all those months ago. “I know I treated you like I was afraid of you, and that couldn’t be further from the truth, but now I know better, and I’m sorry.”
The apology is more shocking, because Alicia had spent what felt like months getting over Leighton, getting used to the fact that she would most likely never get an apology for the way Leighton has treated her, because in all honesty, an apology wasn’t necessary. Yeah, it wasn’t fair for Leighton to ask Alicia to go back into the closet, but Alicia has no right to ever force anybody out of a closet. Sure, they may have gone about things in the extremes, but then shit had hit the fan, and their brief relationship had become irrelevant and so now for Leighton to be apologizing for her behavior? That’s hands-down more shocking than hearing about Leighton’s feelings.
Clearly, Tatum had known that Leighton had more to say because she keeps herself away from the table they’ve occupied for the last hour or so. Always one to be more dramatic than necessary Tatum comes back complaining about now the lunch rush is making a racket and they should head back to campus so her ears can recover from whatever pick up like she had undoubtedly been subjected to by the juggle of teenage boys hovering by the door.
“Alicia, do you want a ride back school?” she asks.
“No, I drove myself but thank you for the offer.” And Alicia hates how formal she sounds; these are the two women she has feelings for, not some rich woman interviewing her to be a nanny.
It seems that nobody really knows how to proceed because they all stand around the table waiting for somebody else these to make the first farewell. Despite the fact Alicia has declined an offer for a ride back to campus, she feels the invitation back to her place bubbling up in her throat, almost like she wishes to invite both Tatum and Leighton back to her small apartment to do anything so they don’t lose this sense of peace.
“Would you two want to come over?” The words make their way into the air before she can even think to stop herself and when Alicia looks up, there’s a hint of a smile on Tatum’s face and Leighton is practically beaming like a puppy offered a treat.
“Why don’t you come over to my place? There’s a couch big enough for three,” Tatum replies, and judging by the skip in her heart, Alicia doesn’t think she has it in her to say no.
“I’d love to, if you’re sure.” A hangout like this would forever change the shape of their relationship or friendship or whatever it is the three have had for the last few months.
“I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t sure, but if you’re more comfortable, you can head home and come over for dinner instead.” And the casual way Tatum invites Alicia to dinner is easily the hottest thing she’s ever been on the receiving end of.
“Yeah,” and just like that, Alicia has been rendered into a gay mess in front of two of the most attractive people she’s had the pleasure to be friends with.
—
That next year, when some little freshman baby gay comes to the women’s center in tears about liking more than one person at a time, Alicia just smiles and pulls out her phone to show off her two super hot girlfriends that she’s managed to date for almost nine months now. She has the experience to help this poor soul through all the scary feelings, and when Tova pops their head into the room to give their two cents (“communication is key! You won’t know unless you tell them,”) Alicia doesn’t even try to hide the smile on her face.
It was unexpected, but Alicia can’t think of a better way to leave a legacy on the small pocket of queers that gather in the northeast for college; slowly expanding peoples worldview one relationship at a time.
(She also throws in a warning about how difficult it can become to plan family vacations when there are three sets of parents to appease, just to show that these types of relationships can work outside of their little liberal on-campus bubble.