The lakehouse was a place that was usually filled with happiness. So many memories filled with laughter and love. The many nights spent by the fire pit, watching the embers fly up toward the moon, roasting marshmallows nearby with friends. Many mornings were spent watching the sunrise over the treetops, hearing the birds begin their songs, calling to one another. Days spent hiking, playing in the lake, climbing trees, or on rainy days, spending them inside and playing whatever game came to mind.
Yubin parked the car, letting out a small sigh when she looked up at the brown lakehouse they had frequented so often growing up. She could practically hear the laughter and yelling of their old friends from years past. She could almost hear the engine roaring of a jeep parked next to her, with a loud Yoohyeon shouting at Siyeon to move so she could park properly.
She looked to the passenger side, seeing her sleeping wife with a blanket draped over her. She was careful to wake her, gently shaking her arm. She could see the tired expression, the pained face from sleeping in that position for hours.
“We’re here?” She mumbled, voice heavy with sleep.
“We are,” Yubin whispered.
It was the end of summer, long after the many tourists and summer-jumping neighbors had left. It was closer to autumn, allowing them to see the different shades of greens slowly melting into the oranges and yellows, and reds that brought on the changing of the seasons.
Yubin hopped out of the car, walking around to open the door for Bora, helping her out and up the stairs to the house. They took their time, Yubin making sure she took her time, taking careful steps until they got to the door. She was quick to unlock the door, walking in and frowning.
“Smells stale…” Bora whispered. “And dusty…” She held a finger under her nose, looking at her wife.
“Just sit outside, I’ll get everything open and cleaned,” Yubin was quick, helping her sit on the bench that was long forgotten for years.
She could see their friends sitting on the bench from years prior. Gahyeon and Bora share a seat, watching the fireworks from a nearby festival in the city. Eyes lit up with different colors that lit up the sky above them. She could even see Dong and Siyeon leaning against the railing, Yoohyeon sitting on the actual railing to get a better view…
She brought their bags up and made quick work. Opening windows and removing the dust from the places she knew Bora would frequent. She changed the sheets and duvet on the bed, grabbing what smelled at least fresher than the ones that were already there.
Once she was finished, she helped Bora in, helping her walk into the living room and relive her own memories. Yubin smiled, watching her face slowly melt into a more relaxed state.
“What do you want to do first?” Yubin asked quietly.
“You have to go to the store… Don’t you?” Bora frowned, watching her nod her head. “Let me sit by the window.” She gestured to the giant bay window, the one that pointed toward the lake.
Once she was settled in the chair with a blanket over her lap, she let out a comfortable sigh. Yubin could see the smile on her face, and it let her relax a little more.
“Hurry back,” Bora whispered.
Yubin made quick work at the grocery store, only staying out for a little over an hour. She could see Bora and Siyeon in front of her in the aisles, putting different snacks in the cart while she pushed it, claiming they would need the snacks if they were staying the entire summer.
She walked in with the different bags, seeing Bora already asleep in the chair. She was happy she was resting, and honestly, she thought she looked beautiful. With the way how the sun shone through the window, hitting her face and making her hair look lighter than it already was… It was like she was an angel.
Bora stayed asleep for a long while, only waking up when she smelled food cooking. She looked around, seeing the lights inside already on, the scenery outside was already dark, and she wasn’t entirely sure how long her wife let her sleep.
She watched Yubin, seeing her with her blonde hair tied up, glasses slowly falling as she worked. She couldn’t help but smile at her, happy to admire her like this. She was certain that Yubin probably thought she was still asleep. So she enjoyed the little moments. The little moments of just enjoying what she could see.
“What are you cooking?” Bora finally asked after a few silent minutes to herself.
Yubin glanced up, smiling when she saw that Bora was finally awake.
“Just something simple for us,” She answered.
Dinner was simple, just like Yubin had promised. They were quiet, enjoying the calming presence that the lakehouse had to offer. Of course, both of them were entirely in their own world, thinking of the past and how loud this place used to be. The talking, the screaming, the laughter.
“Just let me know when you’re ready for bed,” Yubin whispered.
“Soon… Not now… I want to enjoy this a little longer,” Bora answered quietly, eyes falling back on the small shine of the lake from the moon.
Yubin nodded her head, choosing to walk around and start shutting the windows on the first floor. The days were always a little warm with a chilly breeze, but this time of year, the nights were cold. Too cold for Bora.
She cleaned their dishes and pans, wiping down the stove and kitchen counters. Her eyes would glance over at her wife, making sure she hadn’t fallen asleep yet. As much as she wanted her to rest, she didn’t want to carry her up the stairs.
“Bin…” Bora muttered, catching Yubin’s attention very quickly. She quickly dried her hands, rushing over.
“Ready?” She asked, watching her slowly nod her head.
It always took a little longer to get up the stairs, but they managed. She made sure Bora wasn’t too tired and stayed with her. By the time they got up to the landing, Yubin saw how drained she was already.
“I’ll carry you,” Yubin was careful, getting one arm under her back, and one under her legs. Bora’s arms were wrapped around her neck, watching her carry her the rest of the way.
Yubin knew she would’ve never been able to carry her like this, but with the weight loss and her sudden working out, she knew it needed to be done. She didn’t want to be helpless next to her wife. She didn’t want Bora to force herself to stay strong and over-exert herself.
She set Bora at the edge of the bed, letting her sit properly before looking at her wife.
“Thank you…” She whispered. “I wish I could walk longer… And not have to rely on you…” She sighed.
“Don’t. Your strength will come back,” Yubin whispered. “You just need a long rest.”
Bora slept for a while, allowing Yubin to finally fall asleep. Around early morning, Bora woke, letting out a quiet sigh when she felt the familiar pains. She pulled herself up, wincing when she felt the sharp pain in her abdomen. She suffered through the pain, tears slowly falling when she noticed the pill bottle and a bottle of water next to her on the nightstand.
Her wife really thought of everything.
Yubin woke right after the sun rose, turning over and seeing her wife already sitting up and looking out the window.
“How long have you been awake?” Yubin whispered.
“Enough to watch the sunrise,” Bora answered.
Their days were filled with the same activities. Just different locations. Resting on the deck, watching the outside, and enjoying nature. Listening to the sounds of the birds and various wildlife. Their nights were spent enjoying the indoors, Yubin reading quietly to Bora until she fell asleep on the couch next to her.
Nothing felt more relaxing than that.
Every day grew colder, and it allowed Yubin to light the fireplace after a full week of being in the lake house. She stoked the fire, making sure the logs were perfect before hearing her wife behind her.
“Come back, I’m freezing…” She whimpered.
“Two seconds…” Yubin placed the metal stake in its holder, moving back to sit with her wife under the large fluffy blanket. She wrapped a protective arm around her, allowing her to slump into her side. “Better?” She whispered.
“Mhm.”
The leaves outside changed further with every passing day, allowing them to watch as some trees completely shed their beautiful shades of fauna. Leaving behind a skeleton of branches and twigs that connected to a strong log.
With every passing day, Bora got a little stronger. But with every little ounce of strength came more realization. More sleepless nights, more tears…
“It’ll be okay…” Yubin whispered one night. She held a sobbing Bora in her arms, rubbing her arms and wishing she could take the mental pain away from her. “Just breathe…” She sighed.
It hurt her just as much as it hurt Bora. But she needed to be the strong one. Needed to be the rock Bora desperately needed. She could cry later when she was alone. Away from her wife. Just so she wouldn’t worry.
Two months they stayed at the lake house. Bora was able to walk a further distance, able to stay awake longer than before. Despite her failing to sleep most of the night. Yubin would stay up with her, running her back and allowing her to relax and not feel alone.
They arrived back home, Yubin carrying the bags up the stairs to their apartment. Bora unlocked the door, pushing it open to see the last traces they spent there.
The discarded blankets, the messy couch… She made her way down the hall, seeing the bedroom a little messy but picked up. But when she turned to see the still open door of the second bedroom she felt the tears forming in her eyes again.
The half finished nursery, a fully formed crib pushed against the wall. The cute animals that were half painted on the walls, the many baby blankets and clothes that were never going to be used.
“Hey…” Yubin placed a hand on her lower back, causing her to turn and wrap her arms around her wife’s neck. Yubin held her tightly, hearing the quiet sobs. “We can always adopt when we’re ready… We just need time to process what we’ve lost, okay?” She whispered.
She felt the small nod against her, allowing her to breathe.
They just needed time.
Time to process that they would never hear a little baby cry in this room. Never hear a first giggle… Not even a first word.
Yubin found herself in the nursery that first night. Long after Bora had fallen asleep. Finally able to silently cry and process the loss. She could see Yoohyeon working on the little animals in front of her, smiling and laughing with Minji who was already finished with building the crib next to her.
She saw their smiles and heard their laughter clear as day.
But the happy memory clouded with the pain that came with that specific one. Hearing Siyeon shouting for Yubin, causing her to run out and see Bora doubled over in pain, clutching her prominent baby bump. All of it leading to an emergency hospital visit…
She blinked away the memory, tears rolling down her cheeks as she tried to keep her sobs as quiet as possible. She didn’t want to wake Bora. She needed her rest.
The first snowfall brought little happiness to the couple. As much as they wanted to run out and make little snowmen and ducks, they couldn’t find it in them to be happy. Their happiness was taken from them, and even the domestic constant of their lives… Wasn’t enough to bring them out of the grey that surrounded them.
Their friends tried to get them out, enjoy their lives, but they always declined, never wanting to impose on their happiness.
“How are you feeling?” Yubin asked.
“Numb,” Bora whispered.
They were both in bed, another quiet weekend.
“I registered for us like you asked,” Yubin spoke quietly, watching Bora nod her head once, her gaze still focused on the ceiling above them. “Maybe we will get an appointment soon.”
Her attempts to get any kind of reaction were futile. But she tried. Tried to get any kind of reaction out of Bora. It was almost as if she were like a robot. Just going through the motions of life and ignoring everything.
Near the end of winter, their grey lives were interrupted. An appointment Yubin had been eager to have all season. Her and Bora made sure to wear their best, walking hand in hand to their meeting and sat across from a caseworker. Chatting and answering questions about their lives.
“And why do you want to adopt?” The caseworker asked.
“We miscarried,” Bora frowned, squeezing Yubin’s hand tightly. “And… after… I was told it was too risky to try again. That I would continue to miscarry…” She whispered.
The caseworker frowned, most likely hearing the story a million times.
“And you?” He asked, looking at Yubin.
“I’m infertile,” She answered.
Their application was lengthy, but everything was needed. Once everything was filed, they just had to wait.
Waiting was something they were getting better at. Allowing themselves to breathe and just accept what came to them.
The trees slowly started to shed the snow and ice from their branches. The streets melted away the cold and ice. The trees even begun to sprout little leaves of greens and pinks, bringing color back into their grey world.
Which was exactly when they got the call.
Both women rushing into the hospital building, bittersweetly as horrible memories flashed through their minds. They met with the caseworker, and were put at ease.
“She’s just been delivered, getting all cleaned up. You can follow me to the nursery,” He explained.
The two held each other’s hands tightly, afraid of whatever was waiting for them. They walked down the halls, the long white and brightly lit halls. Each pass of the overhead beams caused Bora to slow her movements, feeling slightly overwhelmed.
“Breathe… It’ll be okay…” Yubin whispered, grounding her back to the present. “She’s healthy… And waiting for us…”
They made their way down, standing in front of the glass, seeing their shared names on one of the plastic bassinets… It brought tears to their eyes to see the little girl wrapped in a light pink blanket, wiggling in her swaddle before ultimately yawning and slowly going back to sleep.
“She’s perfect…” Bora sniffed.
“When can we take her home?” Yubin asked.
They were able to take their newborn daughter home once paperwork was signed, filed and ready. Which only took a few days at that point.
Bora held her daughter close to her chest, smiling as she walked back and forth in the nursery. The nursery they had finally finished. Yubin leaned against the door frame, smiling at the scene in front of her.
She knew their pain was numbed for now, the loss of something that could’ve been would never fully leave. But for now, it was next to them rather than in front of them. Their pain slowly subsiding as they got to raise their daughter.
A bridge over the pain, having it trail behind them instead of in front of them, stopping them from continuing.
All they needed was time.