The Flu

"What do you mean Victoria's funeral is scheduled for tomorrow at nine?"  Coulson demanded.  "She isn't DEAD!  You can't have a funeral for someone who isn't DEAD!"  But then this was the organization that had a service for him, so….  "You are aware that if you try to fake Victoria's death and have her funeral at nine, your funeral might be needed at ten, right?"

"They're having a FUNERAL for Vic?"  John said.  Had those shots everyone got for the flu been more seriously messed up than they thought?  If they didn't give you the flu, possibly they caused temporary insanity?  Or suicidal tendencies, which planning a funeral for Vic when she was still alive and in major pain from the flu surely counted for.  But he had had the shot, and he felt normal.  Maybe someone needed to check the water at the Triskelion?

"I don't know how it happened."  Fury said.  "I didn't authorize this.  No one here authorized this.  I've only talked to the mortuary one time, to make sure that they would be able to handle a possible worst case scenario with 150 bodies to process.  I certainly didn't tell them to go ahead and schedule any funerals!  We didn't even have bodies!  Why would I schedule a funeral without bodies?"

"It hasn't stopped you before, and I ought to know."  Coulson said.  "What are you doing to fix this?"

"I've got a call in to the funeral home.  I've got a call in to the White House.  I haven't heard back from either one yet.  Maria's trying to figure out how that eulogy got out.  I swear I didn't send that thing to anyone!"  Fury felt like beating his head against the wall in frustration.  "How is Victoria?"  he asked again.

"Resting for the moment, her fever's down to 100, but like I said she was awake earlier and was actually able to talk to John on the phone."  Coulson told him.  "She's still in pretty severe pain so Jemma gave her something to make her comfortable and let her rest."

"Resting.  Tell Agent Simmons to make sure Victoria gets a lot of rest right now."  Fury said.  Would Coulson's little biochemist have a clue how to put someone into a medically induced coma?  He was halfway tempted to ask about that.

"She's not going to agree to keep Victoria drugged into unconsciousness just to keep her from finding out about this."  Coulson said.  "How did this happen?  Funeral homes can't just schedule a service without authorization or a body!"

"Apparently when the White House starts calling and asking about the service, since the president plans to attend, they can."  Maria called.  "And Director, it looks like you accidentally attached Victoria's eulogy to that message you sent to the WSC, updating them on what's going on."

"So they didn't read the actual message I sent, that the sick agents are recovering, they just opened the attachment and decided to forward it to the paper?"  Fury demanded.  But then these were the people who nearly dropped a nuclear bomb on Manhattan.  Why would he expect reasonable behavior out of them?

"Does it matter how it got in the paper?"  Coulson demanded.  "How are you going to fix it?"  They would be lucky if Victoria didn't have a heart attack if she found out about all of this.  Maybe he ought to ask Jemma to sedate her heavily for awhile?  A heart attack surely wouldn't be good for her health, right?

"We're working on it.  We're working on it."  Fury said.

"Hey,"  Jasper called as he came in, for once the bell around his neck actually dinging.  "Did you know that people are sending tributes to Victoria in to the papers?  There must be a hundred of them by now, and that's just in the Washington Post."

"That MI-13 agent who torched her desk during flu season sent something nice."  John said as he pulled up the paper on his phone.  "And those two people who live in the basement over at at the FBI.  Maybe Vic will like it, that people are saying nice things about her for a change?"

"They all think she's dead!"  Coulson glared at John for a moment before focusing on the phone.  "How long is it going to take to fix this?  And Jasper, could I ask why you sent Victoria flowers saying Rest in Peace?"

"Rest in Peace?"  Jasper paled.  "They said Rest in Peace?  They weren't supposed to say Rest in Peace!"  He pulled out his phone and checked the message he had sent to the florist.  "Get Some Rest.  That's what I told the florist to put on them.  Get Some Rest, Sorry you're Sick.  Feel Better Fast!"  How could they have got Rest in Peace from that?

"There were ribbons all over them saying Rest in Peace and With Deepest Sympathy."  John called, still reading tributes from the paper as he talked.  "But other than that, I think Vic will really like them."

"Double check the plants, please?"  Jasper moaned.  "Triple check them!"  What had the florist done?  Victoria would either kill him or have a heart attack if she woke up to funeral flowers all over her office.  "Phil, could Agent Simmons please, please give Victoria something to keep her asleep for awhile?  She probably needs the rest anyway, right?"

Coulson sighed, but he was going to have to talk with Jemma.  If Victoria found out about this when she was still so sick, it wouldn't be good for her.  Maybe a bit stronger sedation was in order.  "But you are working on fixing this, right?"

"We're trying, if we could get someone to return a few calls."  It seemed like every line he had tried so far had either been busy, or had been answered by someone who stuck him on hold for an eternity, and then cut off the call.

"What about Vic's family?"  John asked.  "Someone's let them know that she's okay, haven't they?"

"I made a few calls yesterday."  May said.  But what if Victoria's family saw the eulogy and the announcement that the funeral had been scheduled, and assumed like her mother did that Victoria had taken a turn for the worse and had died during the night?  She scrolled through her recent calls and hit a number, worry washing over her when she got a busy signal with both that number and the other four she had called the night before.  "We might have a problem.  I can't get through to her family."

"Maybe the papers all calling them to get them to say some nice things about Vic for the front page?  She made the front page.  And that's a really good picture they have of her.  Bet she'll get a date out of it."  John called.  "You ought to make this her photo for her Shield ID.  It looks like she's actually laughing in it."

"I hope their phones are busy because the papers are calling them for quotes."  Coulson said.  "Director, do you think that you can get someone to go talk to her family, to be on the safe side, though?"  What if the shock of this situation had given them all heart attacks?

Get someone out there.  With the lockdown, Fury wasn't sure how he would find someone to go and talk to Victoria's family, but he would have to try.  Maybe Stark could spare someone?  "Wait, did you say that Stark is there?"

"Yes, he's here.  He isn't happy with you.  I'll handle him.  Just get this mess with Victoria straightened up fast!"