My Weakness

Loki grabbed him by the arm, in the first grip Clint hadn't been able to break since his childhood.

"You have heart."

Loki touched his scepter to Clint's chest and looked him in the eyes.  Clint looked back, horrified, cold radiating from the point of contact through his whole body. Clint heard a voice, not his own voice, but coming from inside him:

"Your mind is mine, now. I see your thoughts, your fears and dreams. I can help you achieve more than you ever thought possible, more than your wildest fantasies, if only you help me."

Clint struggled for control, attempting to fight down the cold that was creeping all over him. No…I don't want to help you....you can't give me what I want…

"Yes, I can. More than you've ever thought possible. But you must make sacrifices."

No…

"Oh, but they're such small sacrifices, and to your benefit. S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't care about you, no one here ever has. That woman? She doesn't love you, Clint. You will never have her heart."

His shoulders grew cold, his neck. You’re lying…Natasha loves me, I know she does…

"She has never told you that she loved you, has she? Has she ever expressed any commitment to you? Don't you think she's enjoyed the opportunity to pleasure other men when she goes away for S.H.I.E.L.D.?”

His chin, teeth, nose were enveloped in the cold. Stop it...I love her…that's enough…

"Of course you do. But I can take the pain you're feeling away. You know it's true, Clint. A woman who loved you would never dream of touching another man, yet your woman does so. She knows of your love and ignores it like a mother ignores a child wailing for candy. Your reason for living, for being, does not care about you."

The cold climbed above his nose, enveloping his eyes. No…please no....God no….

“It is a terrible thing, that she's mistreated you in this way. But you can have your vengeance - upon all of them. Their blood will be your reward. You are a good man who deserves better, which I can give you. Women, power, wealth, all of it. You simply have to follow me. Leave her behind and follow me. She is nothing, S.H.I.E.L.D. is nothing…they have brought you nothing but misery…..follow me…you must leave this place and follow me…I will fulfill your desires and give you what you want most…”

The cold overtook him, and he succumbed.

A quiet, soothing hum in his ears.

The agony subsided and his mind quieted.

Clint put his gun back in the holster and followed Loki.

~*~

"We need you to come in."

Natasha's heart jumped into her throat. Calls wouldn't be coming for her unless it was something major, but she betrayed nothing, falling back on years of experience. She didn't want to think about what it could be.

She sat, arms tied behind her back, chair slid to the precipice. She had watched the men surrounding her carefully, gathering the information she needed. In her seven years at S.H.I.E.L.D., no one had ever contacted her in a way that would blow her cover and end a mission. No, whatever this was was bad, really bad, and she wanted no part. Without thinking, she shut down emotionally.

"Are you kidding? I'm working."

"This takes precedence."

"I'm in the middle of an interrogation and this moron is giving me everything. Look, you can't pull me out of this right now -"

Coulson is quiet when he delivers the blow he knows will sock her in the gut. "Natasha. Barton has been compromised."

All of the oxygen leaves her body, the world stops spinning, the life goes out of her. ”Barton has been compromised.” Oh God, no. It can't be right. No, no, no.

"Let me put you on hold."

She kicked her mark, Vladmir, head butted him when he doubled over, then stood up still strapped to the chair. She kicked Dimitri, one of the bodyguards, spinning around and knocking into Andrei the with the chair, rolling on the chair and using it as a weapon again, pounding the leg of the chair down to stamp on Dimitri’s foot and throwing her head back, head butting him. She fought the men efficiently with the chair before backflipping to break it, giving her arms the freedom she needed to perform acrobatic kicks and flips, grabbing Dimitri by the neck with her thighs and taking him down. When she had the bodyguards subdued, she went to Vladmir, wrapped his leg up in a chain, and tipped him off the precipice, leaving him dangling.

She walked over to grab her shoes, slipped her fingers through the straps on her sling backs and picked up the phone. Her heart was pounding, but not from exertion.

"Where is Barton now?"

"We don't know."

"But he's alive?" Please say yes. Oh God, please say yes.

"We think so. I’ll brief you on everything when you get back.”

Please, God please, let him be alive. Please let him be okay. Better yet, let this be a bad dream. Because truly, Natasha felt like she had stepped into a nightmare.

~*~

Steve Rogers sought out Coulson in the hallway after returning from Strutgaart. He had noticed a couple of things that had left him uneasy enough to ask a superior about, and despite being uncomfortably excitable whenever he was in Steve's presence, Coulson seemed capable and knowledgable and Steve felt a measure of respect and trust for him. He found the Deputy Director in the hallway between the bridge and lab, walking briskly as usual. He looked pleased to see Steve, as he always did, and Steve braced himself to be asked for an autograph.

"Agent Coulson? Got a minute?"

“Captain Rogers! Yes, I do, what have you got?"

Cap looked around to make sure they were alone. "Well, Agent Coulson, I was wondering about Agent Romanov."

Coulson looked momentarily surprised. ”What about her?"

"Is she compromised by this mission?"

Coulson’s eyebrows furrowed for just a moment, and then smoothed out. He said, "I don't think I'm following."

"Well, she seems to have a bit of tunnel-vision regarding one of the agents Loki took. Agent Barton. On the bridge she's been over to the, the..." Steve snapped his fingers a couple of times, trying to retrieve the word. "Computers a couple of times checking progress - but only on him. And she's mentioned that Loki "took one of ours" - but Loki took much more than just one, didn't he?"

Coulson couldn't hide that he was uncomfortable now. "He did."

"She seems fixated on this one fella. She also has an emotional reaction anytime he’s brought up. It's subtle, but it's there, and it lasts for more than a minute. I’ve watched her. She doesn’t react the same way when we’re discussing Dr. Selvig.

So I came to ask you: is she emotionally compromised by this mission? Or is she stable enough to continue?"

Coulson hesitated a moment. "Natasha Romanov is one of our two best field agents; the other being Clint Barton. They have been partners for seven years. She is very shaken by his being taken and is probably compromised to a degree, but I believe she will be suitable to help serve on this mission. I would be surprised if she didn’t have an emotional reaction to him being taken, but I trust her judgment."

Steve studied him a moment. "Agent Coulson, I trust you to know your agents and make the best call."

Coulson replied, "We're monitoring Agent Romanov, and will continue to. Thank you for keeping an eye on things.”

“That’s my job, Agent Coulson.”

~*~

Clint pulled out his bow and made sure to have the specialty arrow tips he needed while Loki whispered in his brain over the ever-present hum. She doesn't love you. He strapped his quiver on his back, his jaw set. Nobody at S.H.I.E.L.D. has ever cared about you. He opened the back of the plane and walked out onto the ramp. Everything everyone told you at S.H.I.E.L.D is a lie. He nocked the arrow, drew back and carefully took aim, allowing for wind and altitude. She doesn't love you, she's never loved you. Everything she's ever said has been a lie. Clint fired.

~*~

Natasha sat trembling and injured against a boiler. Something was hissing nearby and there was a slight ringing in her ears. She heard shouts from far away, people yelling in her ear via the communicator, and she thought she heard gunshots. Chaos surrounded her, destruction left by the Hulk, and her terror was palpable, matched only by her apathy. It didn't matter what was going on in the rest of the ship. It doesn't matter if it fell out of the sky. None of it mattered. She didn't care.

“It's Barton. He took out systems. He’s headed for the detention level. Can anybody copy?"

Oh, God, he's here. He's here. And if anyone else goes after him, he'll be killed on sight. Oh, God, no, please. You have to stop this. Go! GO!

"This is Agent Romanov. I copy."

She scrambled to her feet.

~*~

She spotted him up ahead and leapt onto the catwalk behind him, silently. She followed for a few steps until he whirled, firing an arrow at her. She dodged, grabbing his bow and turning it, earning a kick for her efforts. She took a couple of steps back and kicked him herself before spinning around onto the catwalk below.

She is the master of lies. Clint bent to look for her and she spun back up onto the upper catwalk, kicking him and knocking him backwards. He fired an arrow and she leapt over it onto the next catwalk.

She wishes to harm you, like she always has. He followed and began to swing the bow at her. She grabbed it and they tugged it back and forth. He hit her in the head and slammed her against the railing. She recovered, kicked him then backhanded him and tossed the bow. They stood apart, facing each other, sizing each other up. He drew a knife.

She never loved you, Clint. She never will. She lies. Clint dove at her, trying to stab her. She caught his arm and punched him in the chest, driving him back. He tried one more time, and she twisted his arm backwards. Clint cried out in pain, then slashed at her. Natasha caught his arm in front of her face, pushing the knife backwards towards him. He caught her arm and her hair yanking it back and exposing her neck, pointing the knife at her throat. Natasha looked in his eyes, the eyes she knew so well, the eyes she loved so much, and they were dead. Clouded. They were gone and belonged to someone else. He wasn’t Clint.

The humming in his ears grew more intense, and Loki was shouting in his head. She will destroy you if you don’t kill her, Clint! She will end you! KILL HER!

Natasha bit him. Clint yelled and drew back in pain, Natasha still holding his arm. She backflipped, using the momentum to ram his head into the railing. He groaned, falling to the ground slowly. There was no more humming. Loki was silent.

Clint came up on his knees, raised his head unsteadily and looked at her. "Tasha?"

She looked down on him, all of the fear, love, longing, confusion, anger and desperation of the last couple of days bubbling in her.

She punched him out.

Two junior agents came along. "Take him to the infirmary, put him on a bed, immobilize him and wait. I'll be there in five minutes. If there is a single mark on him, you'll answer to me and it won't be pretty."

~*~

"How'd you get him out?"

Clint was still strapped to the bed. Natasha was watching him carefully for signs of Loki, but finding none. She decided to release him. A display of trust.

"Cognitive recalibration. I hit you really hard on the head." She smiled at him, a small little smile that only he ever got to see. Clint’s smile. She bent to unstrap his wrists.

"Thanks." She looked back at him and gave him his special smile again. He looked up at her from beneath his brows, and oh, God what it did to her when he did that. "Natasha, how many agents did I-"

She looked into his eyes. His blue eyes were back; forget-me-not blue now, like they always were when he was troubled. Loki was gone, she had no doubt. She had no reason to doubt. She knew her man.

”Don’t. Don't do that to yourself, Clint. This is Loki. This is monsters and magic and nothing we were ever trained for.” She held his gaze, reassuring and searching.

He didn’t break eye contact. “Loki. He get away?”

“Yeah. I don’t suppose you know where?”

“Didn’t need to know.” She stood up and went to the door. “Didn’t ask.” Clint sat up on the side of the bed. “He’s gonna make his play soon, though. Today.”

Natasha turned around to face him. “We gotta stop him.”

“Yeah? Who’s ‘we’?”

Natasha was agitated. “I don’t know. Whoever’s left.”

Clint nodded and spoke haltingly. ”Well, if I put an arrow through Loki's eye socket I'd sleep better, I suppose.” He gave a mirthless little laugh.

She came to sit down close to him and smiled. "Now you sound like you."

He looked at her. ”But you don’t.” Her smile faded. “You're a spy, not a soldier. Now you want to wade into a war. Why? What did Loki do to you?"

She froze under his questioning. “He didn’t. I just…" She searched his face for a moment, then looked down at her hands.

She had no idea what to say or how to say it. Now wasn't the time for sentimentalities, it went against her grain and her training. But it was there. Right there. She had agonized while he was in jeopardy, and he deserved to know it. He wanted to know it, he had begged her to tell him. But now wasn’t the time to tell him. Was it?

Clint knew this woman better than anyone or anything in the world. She was struggling desperately with something, unsure of what but hoping he was right, that Loki had been wrong. He prompted her, whispering her name. “Natasha.”

"I've been compromised."

Clint ducked and then raised his head, betraying no emotion, his thoughts racing. He knew what that meant, and what that had cost her. He knew.

"I got red in my ledger.” He looked up at her. “I’d like to wipe it out.”

~*~

The Battle of New York was over, Loki contained in a cell in the New York branch of S.H.I.E.L.D., guarded by ten agents armed with chitauri weapons and then ten more agents with chitauri weapons outside of that immediate area. The newly formed Avengers sat around a table in a schwarma restaurant in midtown, savoring their victory and some of them savoring schwarma. Not all of them were enjoying it, but they were all being good sports.

Clint had never laid eyes on most of the guys there before that day, other than reading all of their files extensively and knowing more about them than they would probably ever believe. He hadn't been able to discern from their files, however, what they were like in person, how they interacted with each other, what their personalities were like and would be with him. There was scant knowledge on some of them, such as Thor. Some of them had defied their personality profiles, like Tony. To be honest, though, he had only been around these guys for two hours during the heat of battle and now they were all dogshit tired. All he wanted was to go home, curl around Natasha and not leave their bed for three days. Fuck Fury, fuck debriefings, fuck the press that was crowding the storefront. He wanted his woman and his bed.

He propped his leg up comfortably behind Natasha. She shot him a quick, small smile. He took that to mean permission granted.

The rest of the Avengers had never seen Clint either, although they had certainly heard of him. They had been surprised and distrustful of him when they first saw him on the ground in New York with only Natasha and Cap's assurances that it was okay. None of them (save Natasha) had any idea what had happened that brought him back from Loki's control yet, but after the dedication he had shown to protecting the earth and each of them, they seemed to accept that his possession by Loki was over. Bruce, who was the most intuitive among the bunch, wondered if part of the reason he had fought so bravely hadn't been Natasha. He figured that that truth would bear out soon enough.

They all couldn't help stealing glances at Clint every now and then, however, and Clint with his impossibly sharp vision didn't miss a single look. He didn't begrudge any of them wondering about him, although it made him even more uncomfortable than he already was. He wasn't entirely sure of all the things he had done while under Loki's control and didn't want to know, but he was very sure that he deserved to be killed. If the worst he got was a few sideways looks from superheroes, he was a lucky man.

So they ate schwarma, mostly in tired but unified silence. Thor ate with gusto, and they all were to learn soon enough that that was Thor’s way. Natasha kept her back to the door, knowing it was fruitless, that her face and Clint's had already been splashed all over the news, but not wanting to worsen the damage.

Clint.

She had him back, and she just couldn't stop looking at him. She couldn't believe it was true. She couldn’t believe how close she had come to losing him. She couldn't wait to get him home and tell him...everything. That she had been wrong, so wrong. As soon as he had been in danger, she had been compromised and it became personal. That Loki started to creep into her head when he looked in her eyes at the detention area in the helicarrier and she had just barely escaped. If she hadn’t turned away, he may have had her.

She couldn't wait to tell him that she loved him so, so much.

At the same time, she was just the tiniest bit wary. Was Loki all the way gone? She believed that he was, but what about lingering effects? When she looked into Clint’s eyes, he was Clint, he wasn’t the man she had been fighting on the catwalk. Those eyes were gone, and Clint’s eyes were back. She was sure Loki was gone. But she was going to watch him carefully, just in case.

They all stood to leave after agreeing to meet in Central Park the next day to see Thor and Loki off. The Avengers, Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, stood around the dining table of the ruined schwarma joint, discussing how to get around the press and back to either Stark Tower or S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ. Clint turned to Natasha and asked, “So, what now?"

She turned her green eyes up and looked into his blue eyes steadily. "I want a shower and bed."

Clint smiled, and she smiled back.

~*~

Fury had agents waiting on her and Clint when they entered the building who escorted them straight to his office. Clint looked like a spring wound to capacity and his eyes were a little wild. She whispered to him to relax. Thor came with them, wanting to discuss Loki’s transport, and Natasha was grateful.

Fury let them in and asked Thor to wait outside. He did amiably. Thor did everything amiably.

“Agents, I just wanted to commend you on your service today.”

Clint blinked. “Thank you, sir. But I…”

Fury interrupted, “You were taken captive and brainwashed by a deity. Nobody blames you for being kidnapped, or for your actions while you were under the influence of a hostile god. You were a hero today, and your country thanks you. You and Agent Romanov are granted a leave of absence for as long as you like, up to sixty days.”

Clint and Natasha looked at each other, incredulously. Natasha spoke up. “Sir? Are we being punished?”

“No, ma’am. You are being rewarded, in a way. You’ve both been put through a very traumatic experience and deserve some downtime. So you’re being granted time - paid vacation time - to go relax and recover from the events of the last week.”

Clint shook his head. “Sir, I…”

“Your jobs will be here waiting on you when you get back in sixty days. You may pick a location - anywhere in the world - and use a S.H.I.E.L.D. safehouse. Or you may go somewhere completely on your own, if you’d like. Either way, you will not be disturbed, unless the Avengers are needed or the safehouse is needed for a mission.”

Clint opened his mouth to speak again, and Natasha grabbed him by the hand, tugging him towards the door. “Thank you, sir.”

“It’s my pleasure, Agents. Enjoy your vacations. Romanov, may I have a moment with you?”

“Yes, sir.” Clint walked out to join Thor, and Natasha shut the door.

“There is some well-founded concern about Agent Barton right now. We have done preliminary psych evals on the agents that we’ve gotten back, and it appears that once the ‘spell’ is broken, it's broken, but we don’t know about any lingering effects yet. So keep an eye on him.”

She nodded. “Understood, sir.”

“It’s up to you how you break the news to him about Coulson. It’s up to you if you stay for the funeral. It may be beneficial to him to stay, it may not be. I don’t know that, that’s up to you two. But please know that he thought very highly of you and Barton. He thought of you particularly affectionately.”

Natasha felt tears gathering, blinked them back quickly and merely said, “Yes, sir, thank you sir.”

“Keep an eye on him.”

“I will, sir.”

“And take care of yourself.”

~*~

Natasha broke the news to Clint about Coulson that night. She wanted to be the one to do it, before he heard it from someone else. They were sitting on the couch of the tiny apartment Natasha used when she worked out of New York, and she had his hand in both of hers. He took the news stoically enough, but she registered the shock and grief in his expression. He bowed his head and was silent a long time. She held his hand, stroking it, noticing the scratches and cuts from the battle earlier that day, not knowing how to comfort him. He put his elbows on his knees and put his head down on his forearms, and she put her hand on the back of his head stroking his hair. “Clint, baby, it's okay.”

He went to his knees, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Oh, God, Natasha, I killed him. This is all my fault.”

She held him a long time that night, telling him that it was alright, it wasn’t his fault. None of it was his fault, and everything was going to be okay. She told him that nobody blamed him, and he was going to be fine. She stroked his hair and soothed him, comforting him as best she could. Over a long time, he worked his way into lying on the couch with his head in her lap. After a long time, he went still with her stroking his head and cheek, singing Russian lullabies and whispering sweet nothings. When his breathing became deep and regular she watched him for a while, her hand on his shoulder.

“I love you, Clinton Barton.”

“I heard that. And I love you, too.”

~*~

Clint slept fitfully that night, rolling and tossing, sometimes mumbling fretfully. When he did, Natasha simply put one hand on him and whispered that she was there, that he was okay, that she loved him. He would go back into a still, quiet sleep, and she wondered what he was dreaming about that had him so miserable. Clint had always slept like the dead.

He woke up the next morning wanting to talk about their vacation, as if they hadn’t discussed Coulson, he had slept wonderfully and he was ready to move on to better, more positive things. She wasn’t sure she could put the past few days behind her so easily, but she did want to move forward, so she tried to get into the spirit of things.

Clint sat down with a bowl of cereal. “Where do you want to go, sweetheart?”

She took a sip of her juice. “I don’t know. Where is somewhere that we’ve never been?”

“Jeez, we’ve been everywhere but never been able to enjoy the sights. Rome?”

“That could be romantic, but my last mission there left a bit of a bad taste. Bermuda?”

“Too much lost shit. Hawaii?”

“Maybe. Australia?”

“I hate koalas.”

Natasha grinned. They discussed destinations over breakfast and came down to Hawaii or New Mexico. A coin toss decided for them: New Mexico. They only had a few things at the New York headquarters, but decided they would just buy whatever they needed when they got to the desert. Natasha was excited: she had plans to spend a lot of time reading, doing nothing, and lying in bed with Clint. Being decadent.

They were scheduled to meet in Central park at one. They expected to be late but made it just before one and actually beating almost everyone there. No one had counted on the number of roads that would be closed due to the battle with the chitauri the day before, and it held them up more than they had expected. There was still time to chat before Thor arrived with Loki and the tesseract, though, and Natasha was especially glad to see Bruce Banner.

He came over to her, looking all around, moving haltingly. “Hi, Natasha….can I call you that?”

She smiled. “Of course.”

He looked down, his hands fidgeting with nothing. “Look, I’m sorry -“

She held up a hand. “Don’t be. We’ll forget it happened, and be friends. I think I’d rather like to have you as my friend.”

He smiled. “Okay.” His smile dimmed a bit. “Look, is Barton…is he okay?”

She gave a little half smile. “He is. Loki is gone.”

Bruce looked doubtful. “Okay. Just…keep an eye on him, okay? For your friend.” He smiled a bit shyly, and she patted his arm.

“I will.”

She walked over to Clint, who was watching for Thor and Loki, his jaw clenched. She put a hand on his arm. “Relax.”

Tony Stark came over to shake their hands, telling Natasha that she made a much better assassin of aliens than she had a secretary. Natasha rolled her eyes but Clint smiled, and Tony shook his hand. “I look forward to working with you, Robin Hood.”

Clint grinned. “Robin Hood steals from the rich, you know.”

Tony deadpanned. “True. I guess maybe I should give more to the poor.” He slapped Clint on the shoulder. “Good job yesterday.”

“Thanks, you too.”

Captain America looked over at Natasha and Clint standing together, seeming to size them up. He waved at them, Natasha waved back. Clint acknowledged him with a nod.

Thor and Loki arrived late, carrying the tesseract. Clint scowled at Loki, arms crossed over his chest as if to hold himself back. Natasha turned to Clint and whispered, “We could always go to Asgard, I hear it’s lovely this time of year.” Clint’s lips quirked up.

Thor looked around to all of the Avengers, nodding to each, acknowledging them. He had said his goodbyes earlier: now it was time to go. Loki and Thor grabbed the tesseract, turned the container it was in, and in a flash of light were gone.

Handshakes were given again with Tony joking they should do a movie night soon. Natasha said that she was in as long as she got to pick the movie. Tony moaned about chick flicks, Steve looked confused, and they all chuckled.

Clint and Natasha got into the car and drove off to the airport.