Sonder

━━━━━━━━━━

𝐊𝐄𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐀

/ ken-ohp-siah / • [𝒏.] 

The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that's usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet—a school hallway in the evening, an unlit office on a weekend, vacant fairgrounds—an emotional afterimage that makes it seem not just empty but hyper-empty, with a total population in the negative, who are so conspicuously absent they glow like neon signs.

. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

“Something’s not right.”

“What do you mean?” I asked mindlessly.

“Do you hear that?”

“No.” I replied ludicrously, roaming my eyes at the peaceful Hogwarts grounds, “Is something supposed to happen?”

“It’s too quiet.” Pandora said, looking suspiciously around the hallways as we made our way to the Great Hall.

“Isn’t that a good thing, darling?” Xenophilius queried in confusion, “It is almost the Christmas break, so maybe some of the students are getting lazy and cozy in their common rooms.”

“No, darling, it’s not.” Pandora answered grimly, “You do remember that we’re classmates with those Gryffindor boneheads, right? It’s been weeks since our Lou here gave that Potter boy the scolding he deserves, so excuse me if I find peace and quiet a bit odd.”

I couldn’t help but feel a shiver run down my spine as Pandora's words sank in. The eerie normal bustling Hogwarts corridors did seem out of place. Usually, a prank is in commencement courtesy of the marauders by this time. I exchanged a worried glance with Xenophilius and quickened our pace towards the Great Hall, a growing sense of unease gnawing at me.

As we entered the Great Hall, the usual chaos orchestrated by James and his friends was notably absent. Nonchalantly, I took my seat, dismissing the unusual silence as inconsequential, as long as it didn’t disrupt my own peace of mind.

“It can’t be that bad, right? I mean…” Xenophilius started over breakfast, “It is James Potter we’re talking about here.”

“Darling, that’s what I’m afraid of.” Pandora chewed her bottom lip, “Remember last year. Those dunderheads were on their best behavior for a week, then…”

“Everyone and their mother all look like Severus Snape by lunch.” Xenophilius shuddered at the memory.

“Don’t forget about them dressed like Augusta Longbottom while looking like Snape.” I added with a snort as Hanbin laughed, remembering how the me in this reality found it rather hilarious. 

Glancing over at James, I couldn’t help but notice a palpable distance he maintained from everyone, even his closest friends. It wasn’t just the absence of mischief; it was as if a heavy cloud hung over him, isolating him from the camaraderie he once revealed in. The noticeable avoidance of eye contact with both Lily and me raised questions that I dared not voice aloud.

In a moment of introspection, I recalled my attempt to probe Sirius about James's peculiar behavior. Sirius’s cryptic response only fueled my confusion, leaving me grappling with unanswered questions. “He needs time to think about things,” Sirius had said, leaving me to ponder what had transpired to make James so distant.

As my gaze inadvertently met James’s across the Great Hall, there was a flicker in his eyes. It was an intensity that stirred something within me, a mix of uncertainty and a trace of emotions that defied categorization. I questioned whether it was a gaze laden with disdain or something more complex, something I wasn’t ready to admit to myself.

The unease I felt grew, and I found myself torn between dismissing it as a fleeting moment and acknowledging the unsettling undercurrents that seemed to be engulfing Hogwarts. The silence persisted, amplifying the mysterious atmosphere that clung to James like an invisible cloak.

James was the one to break eye contact first. He continued to stab his breakfast in silence.

“Not to mention, how the professors started singing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ as Dumbledore puts it, ‘in glorious harmony’ during dinner.” Hanbin added, making me focus on the conversation. “I think that was the only time I heard Professor McGonagall sing.”

“Exactly. I’m already dreading the day when they start again.” Pandora said tiredly, “Let’s just eat so we can study for OWLs before Potions.”

Xenophilius, Hanbin and I let out a groan at Pandora’s suggestion, not liking how most of our free time is now being used for OWLs now. I wasn’t even able to do some research about how I can get back to my reality as I needed to keep the front of being a student in this era.

Let me tell you… the preparation for OWLs period in the books doesn’t even scratch the surface on how hard it actually is once you’re experiencing it first hand. It takes months of preparation if you want to have OWLs that are decent enough to work for the Ministry. It also doesn’t help that some of the topics included for the exam would range from first year to fifth year.

Even if we would be taking the exams towards the end of the school year, Pandora wanted us on a schedule so we wouldn’t procrastinate. And her schedule is absolutely insane compared to Hermione Granger. Hanbin and I have to coax Xenophilius to distract Pandora so that we would be able to breathe a little.

It also helped me forget about whatever thoughts I had for James Potter. He was still ignoring me, so there’s no point on dwelling over it much. 

I find myself in Ravenclaw tower frequently anyway.

On a normal day, the Ravenclaw tower had students with organise mess. Students from different years would be allowed to make all sorts of noise for their intellectual endeavors, just as long as they would know when to tone it down once their seniors ask for peace. 

But that didn’t stop one particular Ravenclaw.

Hanbin and I were revising for Transfiguration before I’m due for detention with James when one Barty Crouch Jr. decided to wreak havoc in the Ravenclaw library with a strong gust of wind. 

Cauldrons of brewing experimental potions toppled from a nearby table, soaking unsuspecting students. Some immediately had boils growing on their face and body. One student had the unfortunate luck of her chin inflating like a balloon. Parchments blew in different places, causing it to fall like showers of lazy rain. Books flew in different directions, some of them slamming straight to some student’s face and head. Broken glasses flew everywhere while Hanbin covered my head as we both went under the table.

“SAUNDERS!” Barty sang tauntingly, standing on one of the tables near the entrance of the library, “COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!”

“What the hell does he want?” I looked at Hanbin with wary, jumping a little bit as books thud on top of the table, “I thought you said Dumbledore was considering expulsion? Why is he still here?”

“That’s the last I heard. I don’t…”

“LOUISE ALISON SAUNDERS! IF YOU DON’T COME OUT, I’LL DESTROY THIS LIBRARY YOU ALL SEEM TO FUCKING LOVE!”

“HANBIN!” I hissed at my friend in panic, not wanting to come out of our hiding place until I knew how to deal with this sociopath, “YOU BETTER TELL ME BEFORE I HEX YOU AND MAKE IT LOOK WORSE NEXT TO WHAT CROUCH DOES TO ME!”

“Okay, okay! I—” Hanbin fretted, “I only heard it from Regulus. But apparently, he managed to convince Dumbledore that it wasn’t his fault. So he got off.”

“How?”

“Something about being in the hospital wing before and after the incident. Madam Promfrey also confirmed that. But it’s bollocks, Lou. Even with all the evidence that he was there, Regulus said that he heard Mulciber and Avery daring Crouch if he could use the Imperious curse on Promfrey so he could avoid getting expelled.” Hanbin nervously supplied, “The thing is, there is no way Dumbledore could prove that since, apparently, Promfrey is an Occulumence. It’s not easy to Imperio someone with a brain that is guarded like a fortress.”

“I’d like to see how Crouch gets away with this now.” I said in determination, about to get out of our hiding place, “There’s no way Dumbledore would believe his bullshit.”

Hanbin pulled me down immediately, “Lou! You mustn’t!”

“WHY?”

“CUCKOO LULU!” Crouch yelled again as he jumped from table to table and toppled the bookshelves, “SHOW YOURSELF!”

“There’s no point in displaying courage right now! He wants to kill you and he thinks he’s invincible.” He pleaded, “Regulus thinks that even if Dumbledore wanted to expel Crouch, he wouldn’t. He doesn’t want to risk the Crouches turning to Voldemort this early on. They could sway the majority of the Sacred Twenty-Eight over to the dark side. There could be war that would be over before it even started.”

“Half-bloods and Muggleborn have way more numbers than those incest families.” I hissed.

“But not enough numbers in the Wizengamot seat. Not enough manpower or loyalty.” Hanbin countered, “Why do you think outdated laws are still kept after all these years? They hold the majority of the votes, Lou. Dumbledore’s playing politics for now because he doesn’t want to give more power to the people who would eradicate us in a blink of an eye. He’s playing the long game now. I won’t pretend that I like it, but it’s a safe play.”

“But—”

“Lou, listen!” Hanbin’s whispers were frantic, “Voldemort is playing with Dumbledore too. Think about it! If he could do things without having the need to shed blood, he would have more power without effort. He’d just let his followers do it for him. And the Crouches are the key to that.”

In my Golden Trio script, I specifically added that Voldemort was already defeated in the first war. I didn’t want to deal with all the stress of being in a place where there's a war going on. I just wanted to experience the magic of Hogwarts, see my favorite characters living their lives.

But now, it seems fate has other ideas. Even though I tried to avoid it, I’m getting caught up in the events that led to Voldemort being defeated. It’s like the very thing I wanted to steer clear of is finding its way into this new reality. 

“CROUCH!” A very familiar female voice yelled, “GET THE FUCK OFF TABLE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

“Hey, Pands.” I could hear Crouch smile as he greated Pandora, “Just, looking for your gorgeous friend. I just want to talk.”

“Talk huh.” Pandora murmured skeptically as she approached, Hanbin and I could hear the crunch of glass under her footsteps, “Or are you just an attention seeking brat not getting his way? What do you really want from Lou?”

“You wound me, Pands. I thought we were friends?”

“Some friend you are.” Pandora spat, standing in front of the table we were hiding, placing protection charms on it subtly, “Friends don’t endanger each other with… whatever you are doing. What do you want from Lou, Barty?”

“What? When her filthy blood traitor friends do it, it’s funny. But when I do it, it’s harmful? Talk about double standard, Pands.” Crouch teased humorlessly, “Well… if you must know, I just want to ask Lou if she could talk to that Grandmother of hers. She’s causing quite a scene in the ministry.”

“What do you mean?”

“Anti-discrimination bill for half-breeds? Non-pureblood rights? Merlin, for a pureblood, her views sure sound like a filthy blood traitor.” Crouch spat in disgust, “As Louise’s betrothed…”

“Now you’re just spewing nonsense.” Pandora uttered, sounding unsure, “and what’s it to you if her grandmother advocates such things? The Wizengamot are divided like that for balance.”

“It has everything to do with me, sweetheart. The Fawleys and Crouches had a marriage contract arranged before with Louise’s mother and my father. But since that whore got knocked up by a filthy muggle, that contract is bestowed upon the next of kin.” 

Barty walked to Pandora slowly, “The marriage contract has binding blood magic older than all of us, we can’t just have it nulled. I wasn’t really interested in it because I don’t want to associate myself with blood traitors. I was already trying to find a loophole so we could both get out of it. But…” 

Hanbin’s grip on my shoulder tightened when he saw Barty nearing Pandora. My heart thudded louder in my ears with each step, each crunch of glass under his boots. 

We felt the burst of magic as Pandora went still as a statue, then fell down facing us, a horrified look on her stunned face.

The bloody bastard silently put a full body-bind curse on Pandora.

Slowly, he crouches down to our eye level, his face sinister and taunting. His smile was almost predatory as he flicked his tongue out of his mouth in almost a celebratory fashion.

I couldn’t imagine what our faces looked like when he saw us. All I knew was that at one point, Hanbin defensively drew his wand, pointing it at Crouch, waiting on what he would do to us.

My legs feel like jell-o. My body is vibrating in fright. If it wasn’t for Hanbin’s firm grip on my shoulders, I would’ve landed on my back.

“...the situation calls for control.” 

Xenophilius Malfoy was fuming. 

It also didn’t help that Barty was in between laughing like a maniac and wheezing as Xenophilius kicked in the ribs repeatedly. The guy really has a death wish. And he didn’t expect those to be fulfilled by the younger Malfoy.

It had taken the collective effort of Hanbin and the rest of the students with us in the room to separate him from Barty after he saw what happened to Pandora. Professor Flitwick demanded to know what had happened, but like Dumbledore, it seems that Xenophilius also knew about the political climate going around the Sacred Twenty-Eight. So rather than choking Crouch until his lungs gave in from the lack of air or demanding to get him suspended, Xenophilius simply ignored the Professor and walked away while carrying Pandora. Hanbin just told the Professor that Barty was studying in the library too when one of the potions blews up and soaked him with it. In panic, he released a Ventus spell and that’s what wrecked the library and well… Barty.

I had to admit, while I never thought I’ll be seeing Xenophilius angry in my lifetime here, I kinda expected he’ll just be a gentle fellow that would avoid fights and confrontations as much as possible. After all, he had avoided his family’s wrath just by doing that. 

Flitwick wasn’t sure what really transpired, but he was sure that Xenophilius was ready to commit murder after seeing him near Crouch. Quiet and eccentric people tend to be more dangerous when they’re provoked after all. But since the Professor can’t prove it as Crouch was also denying his speculations (which is a smart move on his part also because, disowned or not, a Malfoy is not someone you want to thwart with), Xenophilius was also given detention.

The one I also have with James Potter.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he finally asked as we journey to the barely lit corridors, “You know Professor McGonagall will understand if you can’t make it to detention tonight. Flitwick offered to vouch for you.”

“I am. Are you?” I asked defensively. Xenophilius raised an eyebrow in question. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to even think about what we all just found out. I don't want to appear weak infront of that wretched bastard. Even if it’s by means of going to detention.” I sighed, “How’s Pandora by the way?”

“She’s okay. No permanent damage.” Xenophilius continued, now a bit perturbed, “Although, you know how she is. She’s… plotting.”

“Hmm.”

Because what were you supposed to say to a situation where your friend is feeling vengeful? It’s not like I’m not feeling it myself. Pandora is just the one between us that would actually enact what she has been plotting. 

McGonagall’s classroom was just as forlorn as everything else in Hogwarts these days. Now that Marauders were in a somewhat stand still with their pranks, everyone is either finally feeling at peace or at unease on when they would strike.

I’m the former. But by the looks on McGonagall’s face when we entered her classroom, she was looking at James with the latter. It was a talent if you managed to worry McGonagall. I’m not saying she has favorites, but you can tell that the Marauders, as Sirius puts it, were like her own. 

James looks… somber. For the lack of a better word for it. 

Aside from the subtle fretting I noticed when we came to view, he looked bored out of his mind. One thing that I noticed was that, whatever James was feeling projects to wherever he was. He was infectious. 

One testament of that was that the Marauders were in a sort of hibernation as the Christmas break approached. Although Sirius said that Remus was mostly the mastermind behind their pranks and Peter was their scout, James and him were the doer of said plan.

With James being in whatever state he was in, Sirius doesn’t feel like doing anything.

I think it’s bollocks. 

I know, I know. I might have something to contribute to this. But it couldn’t be because of that only, right?

I guess that’s the thing about the sun. One becomes somewhat accustomed to its presence, even amid its warmth and radiance—it’s just there, providing everything you never realized you needed until it vanishes.

I read somewhere that when the sun suddenly disappeared,you wouldn’t immediately notice its absence. It has something to do with how light travels from space to Earth. However, by the time you do notice, it’s already too late.

Initially, darkness would envelop everything, affecting even the moon, as it relies on the sun’s light. Earth’s gravity would undergo changes, with no orbit to follow, propelling it out of our universe at the speed of light. Consequently, temperatures would plummet on our planet, causing the ground to freeze and halting photosynthesis, stunting plant growth. The repercussions on us unfold like a cascade.

That’s what’s happening to Hogwarts right now. And it’s a bit dramatic, I know. But as Ron mentioned during the war when Fred and George opened their shop, people need a laugh these days. They need their sun before they realize its absence when it's already too late.

“Alright.” Professor McGonagall said clipply after Xenophilius gave her his detention slip, “Potter, Saunders. You’ll work on the usual. Malfoy, you come with me to the trophy room. Merlin forbids Filtch swipe his filthy rags on my trophy’s again.”

The Professor looked at James, batting him for any reaction. By this point, James would have peppered the woman with inquiries and even displayed a hint of arrogance by promising to lead the Gryffindor team to more victories before he graduates, referring to him as Minnie.

Instead, James continues to glance down at his shoes, tapping his wand frantically on his pants.

With a defeated sigh, Professor McGonagall told us she’ll be back after the hour mark then led Xenohilius to the trophy room. 

Wordlessly, James left his seat and went to the storage area where the professor keeps the Transfiguration scrolls from first to seventh year.

The usual McGonagall was talking about was us arranging the assignments given to her daily according to year, and James would then assess a selection of first through third-year students’ papers. He was just that good in Transfiguration that the Professor trusted his judgment, being the one topping the mark for fifth year.

We’ve worked in near silence, breaking only occasionally to say something like “here,” “marked,” or the year of the scroll we’re holding. 

The silence was eerie. The feel of unease crept down to my very skin that I felt them prickling. I wasn’t used to how distant and brooding James is. 

On the plus side, it allowed me to look at him. Really look at him.

I always knew James was good-looking, but up close, it hit me differently.

His tousled hair effortlessly draped over his forehead, a rebellious mop that refused to be tamed. Those hazel eyes of his casually skimmed the parchment on the desk. The dim detention room lighting played with shadows on his sharply defined features. His jawline, carved to perfection, highlighted his laid-back demeanor, and his Quidditch-toned body stood out even as he semi-slouched.

The sleeves of his shirt were casually rolled up, exposing the easy confidence in his stance. Veins in his muscular arms peeked through, and let’s be honest, I wouldn’t mind tracing them right now if it didn’t mean getting sidetracked from whatever he was doing.

Would you stop ogling? A voice in my head screams at me. 

But why? I silently whined at it. There isn’t anything wrong with appreciating a nice view!

It’s rude! It argued. You’re supposed to think of a way to talk to him and apologize. Not eye-fuck him!

I’d do that if he stops biting and wetting his lower lip.

“Can I help you with something, Saunders?”

Busted. The voice in my head laughed. 

James Potter’s attention shifted to me. The brooding and somber expression he had was gone. Although his face still looks indifferent, his eyes tells another thing.

Curiosity sparked in those hazel depths once our eyes met. My face flushed, caught in the heat of his gaze, now conflicted and intensifying as seconds passed without my response.

I struggled to string together a coherent sentence to wriggle out of the awkwardness. In that moment, I probably resembled an absolute idiot under his discerning gaze, realizing he had caught me red-handed in my unabashed staring.

Then, he grinned—a boyish, radiant smile that seemed to light up his whole face. And I swear… it was like the whole room was brighter and warmer than it is.

“Look, James… I—fuck.” I fumbled, sitting up straight to put some distance from us. He was still staring in curious amusement, “We, uh, need to talk.”

“Hm-hmm.” he hummed in agreement, “Is it before or after you stop ogling me?”

“You know what.” I stood up, trying to get away from the fucking intensity of his gaze, “Here I was trying to think of how I’ll apologize but y-you… YOU!”

“What did I do now?” He asked in a low, cocky, amused voice. “You know… I have half of mind to just ignore it but you’ve been avoiding something, Louise. It’s not just about an apology. What’s really going on here?” James inquired, his tone now serious. I wasn’t even aware that he stood up until he was closing the distance between us.

“You’re crazy.” I denied in a squeaky voice. Great! Now my voice betrays me too.

“Maybe.” James shrugged, “I’m minding my business here, Saunders. I’m not the one ogling.”

“Fine,” I retorted, my frustration building, “but it’s not about ogling. It’s about…” I wanted to say my feelings, but I held my tongue. “I need clarity, and you’re not making it easy.”

“Clarity? You should know better, Saunders.” He leaned in, a smirk playing on his lips. “Clarity is a rare commodity.”

“That’s not helpful.”

“Maybe not, but it’s the truth,” he said, his gaze unwavering. “What’s really on your mind?”

Yeah, what’s really on your mind, Louise? The voice in my head repeated, sounding amused. 

I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself and ignore his burning gaze. 

“Look, Potter,” I sighed, opening my eyes to meet his, “I’m going to apologize. So I need you to stop being so damn distracting.”

He chuckled, “Distracting, huh?”

“Yes, distracting! So shut up and listen!” I snapped. “I wanted to apologize about the things I’ve said after the flooding.” I began, my tone softer, “Calling you an asshole was uncalled for, and I’m sorry.”

James raised an eyebrow, “That’s an understatement.”

“Oh, piss off,” I rolled my eyes, “I already feel bad about it. I know I was too quick to judge.”

“Took you a while to figure that out.” He chuckled, “I did remember you almost killed me too.”

I shot him a glare, “Would you cut it out already? I’m apologising here!”

He chuckled, “Well, I’ve been called worse so, apology accepted.”

“Thanks.” I nodded, “But I need to know, was it what I said that made you so indifferent? I’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself since, well… that day."

“It started like that, but… yes and no.” he admitted, a hint of vulnerability in his eyes, “I had a lot going on and to be honest, it took me a while to understand myself. I was seeking clarity too.”

I furrowed my brows, “Clarity about what?”

“The familiar and the unknown. Choices, Saunders. When the choice was made, it was mostly about you.” He chuckled at my confusion, “I wanted to be sure you had feelings for me before I made a move.”

I blinked, surprised. “What feelings?”

“You see, you kept denying it before, but your actions speak louder than your words, Saunders.” He stated, “I thought I was just being delusional and you kept telling me I’m being self-absorbed but you just made everything clear.”

“I am so confused right now.”

James looked at me, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “How about I try something?”

Before I could respond, he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were warm and insistent, a blend of familiarity and excitement. In that unexpected embrace, it felt like a symphony of emotions, a whirlwind of passion that left me breathless. The confusion of the past weeks seemed to melt away with each passing second of the kiss.

A deep sense of comfort surrounded me, going beyond just physical contact. It felt like the kiss was a safe haven, providing assurance and safety in a reality filled with uncertainty. The warmth of the embrace seemed to ease my lingering doubts about fitting into this new world, soothing the unease that came with my shift.

This kiss served as a strong reassurance, confirming that I wasn’t disrupting lives but rather an essential part of this reality. The concerns about Barty, the impending threat of Voldemort, and the general discomfort of my existence here all faded away, replaced by a profound sense of belonging. It was as if everything clicked into place with that gentle touch, and in that moment, I discovered my anchor amidst the chaos.

As his lips danced with mine, I couldn’t help but notice the distinct scent that enveloped us – a mixture of butterbeer, broom polish, and the refreshing touch of morning dew. It was an unexpected combination, yet strangely comforting.

When he finally pulled away, I found myself lingering in the aftermath of that kiss, a mixture of surprise and delight settling within me. I was left breathless, trying to process the intensity of the kiss. It was more than just a confirmation; it was a revelation of feelings I hadn't fully acknowledged until that very moment.

I threw away any inhibitions about forming a relationship in this reality with James Potter. Or even what the fuck is happening with my life here. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t have the means or knowledge to go back to my reality anyway, and for the first time, I didn’t mind altering the timeline in this reality.

“Moony was right.” James chuckled, “Making decisions is hard, but you’re the right thing for me in the long run.”

“What just happened?” I asked, my voice a mix of surprise and satisfaction.

James grinned, “I believe that was a kiss, Saunders. A rather brilliant one, if I do say so myself.”

And there it was – clarity.

It was fucking radiant.

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