Sonder

━━━━━━━━━━ 

𝐋𝐄𝐃𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄

/lehd-suhm/

Feeling anxious and lonely in a group of people, unsure of what to say or what to do; drifting along in a sea of faces–unable to communicate, open up to–or confide in anyone either out of fear or insecurity–that people won't understand or listen.

. . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

"GIVE IT BACK!"

"For a Ravenclaw, you're pretty stupid, Saunders. It's not like I wanted to do it!" James exclaims in irritation when I brandish my wand in his direction. "GET THAT WAND OUT OF MY FACE!"

"NOT UNTIL YOU APOLOGISE!"

"WHY SHOULD I APOLOGISE? YOU WERE THE ONE IN THE WAY, YOU PSYCHO!" the Gryffindor spat. A male student with fiery red hair, whose name I didn't know, stops James from charging towards me, holding him by his shoulder, "NO ONE WANTS TO KISS LULU THE CUCKOO!"

"WHY I OUGHTA—"

"CALM DOWN, PIPSQUEAK!" Strong arms encircled my waist before I could grab James Potter's hair, lifting me slightly and turning me away from him. I ignore them and continue to yell profanities in James' direction, "Damn, this little minx's strong."

Whatever sentimental feeling and confusion I had about shifting in this reality and timeline evaporated immediately as soon as James Potter opened his mouth.

I admit that I was still in awe of seeing him for the first time, even feeling involuntary butterflies fluttering in my stomach when I bore my gaze into his deep, brown eyes. If I would lose my first kiss to someone, I'll gladly accept that it would be with someone as warm and handsome as James Fleamont Potter.

But after he got up and wiped his lips in disgust, saying how nasty my lips were, I was disappointed.

Despite his—what I assume—idiotic tendency as a student, on a deeper surface, the James Potter I know was a very giving fellow. Even if he was privileged and had every right to be arrogant, he extended a helping hand to everyone and was very loyal to his friends. It sometimes made me wonder how much James could give without his demons whispering at him to put himself and his interests first. So much so that he died protecting his family, leaving Harry alone to grow up alone in this bitter world.

Now I understand why Lily Evans didn't entertain him until he matured more. He was an annoying git with a god complex.

"CALM DOWN?" I scoff, "POTTER THREW A DUNGBOMB AT ME, STOLE MY FIRST KISS, AND HAS THE AUDACITY TO MOCK ME ABOUT IT! HOW THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CALM DOWN?!" I thrash from the person's grip, kicking and clawing in James' direction, "THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS APOLOGISE YOU CONCEITED WANKE—"

"THAT'S ENOUGH, MISS SAUNDERS! MISTER POTTER, PUT YOUR WAND AWAY, FOR MERLIN'S SAKE! PEEVES! BE GONE, OR I'LL CALL THE BLOODY BARON!" An older woman instructs in the distance. The students around us parted to give way for Professor Minerva McGonagall. I could tell it was her because of the bun on top of her head, her robes with pointy shoulder pads and the half-moon spectacles resting on her nose.

I expected a more intimidating-looking woman considering her description in the books and Maggie Smith's portrayal in the movies. It was close, but there was just something about her that looked so maternal, even with the stern look on her face.

Once the professor was near us, she whipped her wand and made the fog from the dungbomb disappear, dried the students who got wet from Peeves' water balloon and ordered everyone to disperse, except for me, James and the two people holding us back from killing each other.

"Well, now that's sorted, Messrs Prewett, you can let go of Miss Saunders and Mister Potter, respectively and get back to class."

"You sure, Minnie? If I let go of Lou here, she's going to claw Potter's eyes out." amusingly said by the one behind me.

"I can assure you that Miss Saunders would be on her best behaviour," she warns me pointedly, then turns to James, "Mister Potter as well."

"Behave yourself, kitten." The person behind me whispers in my ear, slowly releasing his grip from my waist but lingering his palm on my hips, "I'll see you after class. Come on, Fab."

The one holding James, who I now assume is Fabian Prewett, releases James' shoulder as well, winking in my direction before joining his brother's retreating form.

James and I gape at the brothers, stunned at their odd behaviour towards me. Professor McGonagall pulls us out of our reverie and motions for us to follow her.

As we follow the professor to where I assume she'll give us her punishment, my mind wanders to the odd instance of me shifting to the Marauders era by accident. On the outside, it looked like I was calm and collected, but inside, I could feel the panic in my stomach.

The thought of successfully shifting is a triumph, especially since I was still apprehensive about whether it was real. But what makes me panic is the unfamiliarity of this timeline to me. Canon-wise, I knew what fate each character would experience during the first wizarding war until Harry earned his lightning bolt scar. But the question lingering inside my head is, who am I in this reality?

Three things are certain from the little details I have heard from others since I woke up here. I still manage to retain the same name I have in my current reality, I am a student sorted to Ravenclaw, and James Potter clearly hates my mere existence and thinks I'm mental.

"Sit down," Professor McGonagall gestures in front of her once we arrive at her office, "This feud between you two needs to stop. This has been going on since you two started at Hogwarts."

"She was the one who compared me to a primate!" James exasperates. I smirk, subtly surprised at remembering that memory, "Am I not allowed to be offended?"

"Dear me, I'm so sorry that I compared you to a primitive animal, Potter." I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes, "I need to apologise to the primates as well. It's offensive to be compared to you since they're far more intelligent."

"See!" James points at me accusingly, "Now she's resorting to violence because she said I stole her first kiss! Who would want to kiss someone mental like her?"

"Don't make me banish your hair, Potter." I glare at him, "And besides, that's not just why I'm angry. YOU BLOODY THREW A DUNGBOMB AT ME WHILE I WAS—" I hesitated, looking at McGonagall to assess whether it was safe to mention I was sleeping in class, only be met with her arching eyebrow and lips pursed in a thin line, "—peacefully existing. The least you could do is apologise."

James snorts when he sees my hesitation and opens his mouth to retort when McGonagall pointedly looks at him, "She's right, Mister Potter. You did disrupt Professor Binns' class with that stunt you pulled with your friends."

"I did it alone, Minnie."

McGonagall stares down at James until the latter relents, sighing as he leans back in his seat as waits for the professor's punishment, "How many weeks?"

"Three weeks of detention for you, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew. Five points will be deducted from each of them, while 15 points will be deducted from you, Mister Potter, for pointing a wand at a fellow student." McGonagall writes it on a piece of parchment as James whines. Then she turns to me, "Five points from you as well, Miss Saunders."

"What? I only did that because he attacked me!"

"Be as it may," McGonagall pauses, ignoring my pleas to retract her deducting five points from my house, "as students, you are obligated to seek a professor or prefect whenever something like this happens, not resort to duelling or dare I say muggle violence."

I slump on my seat, discouraged about the finality of her tone. Five points shouldn't be a big deal, right? But like in my current reality, I'm worried about disappointing others because of my actions. If I was the only one suffering, I would gladly take the punishment and go on as if it's not a big deal.

But Ravenclaws are known for being achievers. And while some are more creative than intelligent, the latter have high ambitions that sometimes overshadow that trait, making them known as stuck-ups and do-gooders. So five points being deducted from our house for them would be a big deal.

I remain quiet until McGonagall dismisses us. After one rueful glare in my direction, James immediately went out of the room like it was on fire. I lagged further behind him, lost in my thoughts.

I think about how I can get out of this reality so I wouldn't feel that overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread inside me. I know that once these feelings overcome me, I'll have a breakdown again. And Aaron is not here to pull me back from that dark place.

Because I don't have a script for this DR, I don't know how I'll get back to my current reality or what I should expect here. Not that a script is needed to go back and forth to any reality, but since I just started my shifting journey, I still have no idea about some aspects of it.

But one thing that stuck from my Golden Trio DR script was the little details I included relating to Hogwarts. Like how I knew my way around the castle, how I wouldn't feel exhausted trekking the grand staircase up to the Ravenclaw tower and how I knew the answer to every riddle that the eagle knocker gave to enter our common room.

Once inside, I held my breath, completely enthralled by the architecture and detail I saw.

The closest that I could think of how to describe the circular tower is that it looks like a small elegant opera theatre with tall arches and sharp edges, reminding me of Celtic motifs. The space that usually occupied theatre-like seats was occupied with tables and chairs suitable for four students and lounges that accommodate a group of Raves during a lazy day.

Of course, it wouldn't be Ravenclaw without the royal blue and gold main colour scheme, with subtle hints of white and grey. It was scattered strategically all over—complimenting the elegantly modern interior of the place.

Although everyone thinks that Ravenclaw students are organised, it might be valid for a large percentage, but the state of the common room tells a different case. Books, inventions and random stacks of papers are scattered everywhere on all occupied tables as well as exhausted-looking upper-class men who look like they are on the brink of a nervous breakdown, just like me.

Two wide marble staircases can be seen on both corners of the room, letting its inhabitants navigate their way up to all seven floors of the house—one floor for each year. It is next to the stage, with Rowena Ravenclaw's statue standing tall and proud at the centre.

What I love about the house so much is that each floor has mini libraries—aside from the central one exclusive for Ravenclaw students at the lower bottom—that is neatly next to the vast amount of space for lodging, whether it will be alone or with a group of friends.

Books inside the house, I notice, range from anything. It could be different notes from former Ravens wanting to bestow their wisdom to future generations, a few book prompts that they can use to kill their boredom and sharpen their mind, uses of herbs as simple house remedies to tips on how to fix things inside their home without the use of magic.

But what took my breath away was the cosmic theme of it. Telescopes peer out most windows in the common room or on each floor. Moon and star designs are scattered all over the place, while a massive replica of the solar system is displayed at the centre of the second floor.

And then there was the ceiling. It was enchanted like the ceiling in the great hall. From a distance, I heard from a couple of first years that a prefect told them on their first day that it doesn't just mimic the sky outside, but rather, the movement of the constellations.

If I could, I would stay inside the confines of the house and immerse myself in the vast amount of knowledge within my grasp. Sadly, I have to figure out how I'll return to my current reality and eventually leave the comfort and unique sense of home the tower is making me feel.

"Fucking finally! What did McGonagall say?" a voice snaps me out of my daze. I whip my head in the voice's direction and see a girl with long, curly blonde hair that I assume was down to the waist and had the most startling blue eyes I'd ever seen. "You have that look again, Lulu."

I look around and confusingly point to myself.

"There isn't any other Lulu here, mate." another voice uttered behind me, making me jump. I turned around and was greeted by another blonde person. This time, a male, his hair up to his shoulders, said, "Go on before Pandora makes a fuss."

"I heard that, Philly,"

"Good!" the one named Philly barks back. He gently grabs me by my arm and guides me to the witch, "And it's Xenophilius, not Philly. How many times should I remind you?"

"As long as you're in a relationship with me, darling," the blonde witch drawls and immediately encircles Xenophilius in her arms, then kisses his lips. "So? Tell us what James Potter did now! I can't believe I have to hear the chaos they did again from Regulus."

"Wait, hold on." I stare at them in confusion, "Pandora and Xenophilius Lovegood, right?"

"I knew this was going to happen again," Pandora slapped my shoulder, "I told you to stop smoking! You're always disoriented after one, and it leads to memory loss! I'm the only Lovegood here!"

"And it's Malfoy, by the way. Xenophilius Malfoy." Xenophilius clarifies, his nose scrunching in disgust, "Although, I'll gladly change my last name to Panda's if it means showing her my everlasting devotion."

"Oh, Shove off," Pandora rolls her eyes, "I heard that dungbomb was involved again. When I get my hands on Potter!" she puts her hands in front of her and mimics a strangling form in the air, "But seriously, doesn't he get tired of bullying you?"

"I called him a buffoon before, and he hasn't forgotten ever since." I say, rubbing the back of my neck, "McGonagall deducted five points from me."

Pandora shrugs, "Let's earn more in potions, then. Slughorn favours you like Evans and Snape."

"What is his excuse this time?" Xenophilius inquires softly, "Something atrocious, I assume?"

"My mere existence," I sigh, rubbing my temples, "He got detention for three weeks, though, so I'm not stingy about it."

"Good for that bugger." Pandora huffs, "But now that you're here, you must help me with my DADA essay! Xenophilius has to go and review for OWLs."

"Lulu needs to review too! Why am I the only one who's being turned away?"

"Because we wouldn't get anything done." Pandora wiggles her eyebrows, "Besides, it's either she's the one to help me, or it's Regulus. You're not too kin of me spending time with my other best friend too, yes?"

Xenophilius mumbles something under his breath and takes off, not before kissing us both on top of our heads.

"Hey, uh, Pandora." I start hesitantly, "Does this, um, confusion of mine, does it happen often?"

"Oh, yes." she replies without looking up, "You sometimes forget a little about yourself, so whenever I can and at your insistence, I have to remind you. I don't mind, though. Intelligent people sometimes need to declutter their mind with unimportant things to retain new information."

"Is that why Potter called me Lulu the Cuckoo?"

I'm not sure what I would feel about her saying I'm intelligent because of how dumb I was in my current reality. But in a way, I need to know about myself in this reality. From Pandora's body language and welcoming nature, I assume we are close friends in this reality. She was just as beautiful, friendly, dreamy-like and warm as her future daughter, Luna.

However, the similarities end there. When I looked at the blonde witch once more, she was silently seething in a fury, almost as if she was contemplating whether it was worth it to get up and confront whatever was upsetting her.

"You are not cuckoo, Louise Allison Saunders." But then she takes a deep breath while her eyes are closed, turning to me once I assume she calms down and says, "Potter doesn't understand what you're going through. That's why he can so carelessly say that without feeling guilty."

"But—"

"No buts, my lovely Lulu. I'm already contemplating whether to get up here and curse Potter's obnoxiously big head or stay here with you and answer the questions you surely have." Pandora's eyes soften. She takes my hand and smiles, "Please choose the latter because if it's the former, I can show Potter who's the more cuckoo between us."

I bite back a smile and nod, deciding that I had enough violence for one day.

And until I learn how to get back to my reality, I need to live this one and coexist with the people here so I wouldn't worry about the things I'm missing and stay out of trouble.

The next few days have been uneventful since my first day of shifting here. True to her word, Pandora tells me a lot about myself whenever I ask her. Not only was I in the same year as her and the other Marauders, but I was also exceeding on some subjects in our fifth year, like Astronomy, DADA, Charms and Potions.

I struggle a bit in Transfiguration and Herbology since you have to understand the theory behind the spell before you can successfully do it, while Herbology requires patience. We all struggled with History of Magic, not because the subject wasn't interesting but because the Professor was a ghost.

That's where Xenophilius and Pandora come in. They have been really helpful while I navigate my life as a student at Hogwarts. Half of the ten subjects I took were with Pandora, while I have two with Xenophilius. Besides the three electives I take alone, I share Charms and Potions with the Marauders and a few Gryffindors' like the Prewetts, Lily and Marlene McKinnon.

I learned that our little friendship group was cast as the odd ones at Ravenclaw. If Hogwarts students are sorted by traits that the person values or embodies, the Ravenclaw house also categorises their students by a particular clique. Clearly, it was just between the inhabitants since the way they group others is just downright hypocritical.

There were the overachievers, who, by the name itself, are students who Pandora calls the 'ones who always have a stick up their asses'. They are people pleasers and do-gooders who would do anything to achieve their goals. Most of them just come off as arrogant and judgemental—the typical Ravenclaws.

The second ones were the visionaries, or what I like to call the creative ones. Hard as it is to believe, the majority of the Ravenclaw students are more on the creative side than the intellectual side. And those are the students who I honestly like the most. They are a perfect balance between creative and intelligent, and they are the most chill and understanding about different levels of intelligence people possess, unlike the overachievers. They are more patient and fair to everyone, even students outside our house. They are the most content. Just don't touch anything they're currently working on, or it would start a bloody war.

The last ones were the individualist, or what the overachievers call the odd ones, like us. Those students are who you'd want to approach if you want a different view of a particular idea. They are the ones who advocate more freedom of action for individuals or embrace one's individuality, not minding the social norms and societal standards. They are the contented introverts, the socially awkward but intelligent conversationalists and the dreamers.

Pandora, Xenophilius and I take what they label us as a compliment since we are not too keen on being arrogant, nor are we creative enough as an individual to claim as visionaries. Maybe Pandora is a visionary, but she was too loyal to leave Xenophilius and me alone.

"Is this seat taken?" someone asked beside me during my Charms class.

I looked up and saw the same curly red-headed boy holding me back during my fight with James Potter. Besides the warmth of his brown eyes, I notice the dimples on his cheeks. He wasn't smiling, but it was still visible because he pursed his lips, waiting for my reply. The freckles on his face were dusted like dots of stars in the galaxy, his chiselled jaw and cheekbones defining his handsome face.

If I were to compare it to my current reality, the closest actor I can think of that looks like him is Sam Claflin, except for the hair and eye colour.

I rack my brain on the other Prewett brother's name in the books and remember that it was Gideon. He's Gideon Prewett. Fred Weasley's middle namesake.

"Not at all," I manage to say without sounding like a nervous wreck, "It's all yours."

"You've been avoiding me," Gideon pouts as soon as he sits, resting his chin on his palm, facing me, "I look everywhere for you after class."

"Sorry, I was doing homework with Pandora in the common room. All this James Potter and the marauders crap drained the hell out of me."

"Fab said the same thing," he taps his fingers on the table. After a brief silence, he asks, "So, are we still on for Hogsmeade?"

"Like a date?" I ask, hesitating.

Since I still don't know how or when I'll return to my reality, I'm hesitant about forming solid relationships here. Shifters said that people in another reality don't differ from us. They have their own minds, feelings and free will. My hesitation stems from wanting to be careful about leaving a heavy impact on their lives or getting too attached. So I exist here with little interaction with the people who have a significant role in the upcoming war.

So if I agree to Gideon, will there be repercussions? Would I alter the course of their fate? Or will I get too attached, enough to get involved and change something to keep them alive?

"Well, if you want it that way. I would much prefer it to, but we could go as friends since Fab is ditching me for someone else."

I weighed my options for a moment and thought of Gideon Prewett's role in the books. The Prewetts were only mentioned in passing by Moody and Molly. From what I remember, they died while fighting five death eaters.

I know that going to Hogsmeade with Gideon shouldn't be a big deal, but if I do it, would it change his fate?

I decided to live my life here until I returned to my reality and engraved in my head that before anything got too serious, I should end it so I wouldn't feel too attached.

"Sure. Let's go on a date," I smile softly at him. His face immediately brightens. "We wouldn't want you to feel left out while your brother's on a date."

"We certainly don't." Gideon beams, "So, lunchtime sounds good?"

"That's perfect."

"Wicked."

Shortly after, Professor Flitwick comes in and starts his lesson. I thought the rest of the class would go on peacefully, but I forgot I was taking this subject with the Marauders. I felt something scratch me by the foot. Curiously, I glanced down and saw a charmed origami dog wagging its tail on the floor, waiting for me to pick it up.

It went still once my hand touched it, the words 'open me' immediately appearing in front, piquing my curiosity. I read the note in silence.

What does that bloody prick want? -  J̶F̶P̶, SOB & RJL

I turned my head from where they were seated, and sure enough, Sirius and Remus looked expectantly at my reply. Peter was asleep beside Remus, but James seemed overly interested in Flitwick's lesson beside Sirius.

I quickly wrote 'It's none of your business.' with a heart at the end, then I folded the paper and charmed it so it would go back to the waiting marauders.

I had a frown on my face once the class ended, and I didn't get a reply from the two, only gaping faces and an annoyed-looking James Potter trying hard not to glare in Gideon Prewett's direction. I don't know what the big deal is. It's not like we're close. Why are they so curious all of a sudden?

But I have to admit, leaving them wondering gives me a weird sense of satisfaction.

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