Part of Us
Chaotic conversation had ensued in response to Ava’s declaration. Arguments of all kinds arose as the group continually talked over one another. Ava and Bea looked at each other across the table, the only two who were not speaking.
“What are they planning with the divinium?”
“…can’t risk going after it…”
“…couldn’t we just ask?”
Mother Superion rapped her cane on the table. She hadn’t needed it since the Halo resurrected her and now Ava realized why she still carried it. “We must keep order. We knew this was a possibility when it was first brought up as an option. We need divinium if we’re going to keep up the fight with the wraith demons.” She turned to address the priest. “Vincent, what does the Vatican have planned for all of that divinium. Will they simply give us some?”
“I’m afraid not,” replied Father Vincent. “The current leadership doesn’t trust the OCS. They blame us for their current problems and the new pope does not like that we’re not fully under his control. He won’t act against us outright, but he certainly won’t help us. As for the divinium,” he shook his head, “that’s anyone’s guess; but mine would be an attempt at control.” He gave Ava a significant look.
“Is the Vatican thinking of going after the Warrior Nun?” Camila asked, not missing the look Vincent shared with Ava.
“We cannot allow that to happen,” said Dora. She looked to Mother Superion.
“Perhaps we should reconsider this path,” said the older woman. “There’s too much to lose to risk goading the Vatican into a war.”
“We’re already at war!” Beatrice said sharply. It was the first time she spoke since they sat down and everyone looked at her expectantly. “The fighting may not have started in earnest, but everyone is getting ready. Right now we and the FBC are the only ones that are openly hostile. We still don’t really know anything about Reya except that she wants Ava on her side—she’s as much a potential ally as she is a threat. That leaves the Vatican. They may be unhappy with us but we can at least be sure they won’t join the FBC. But I don’t think we can call them an ally—not anymore if what Father Vincent suspects about their intentions with the divinium is true. We’re on our own here and it might be only a matter of time before the Vatican moves on us anyways.”
It was a sobering thought.
“Beatrice,” responded Yasmine, “you can’t seriously be suggesting we risk dragging the Vatican into this war. Even if you’re right, they haven’t made a move against us yet. If we do this we would forcing their hand and then if they join…” She left the thought unfinished, so Mother Superion picked it up.
“If they join against us then we risk everything: the full might of the Vatican publicly declaring war on the OCS.” She slowly looked around the table, making eye contact with everyone present before her gaze rested on Ava. “So we’d better not get caught.”
Planning began in earnest. The seven people at the table had not left the room for hours. Ava could hardly hide her excitement, not only was she involved in planning another heist but given the amount of ground work they would have to do, she would get plenty of time to sightsee in Rome. She mentioned as much to the table at large.
“Actually Ava, unfortunately you and Beatrice will not be heading to Rome until the last possible moment,” said Mother Superion. Bea looked up from reviewing some plans with Dora in confusion.
“What?” asked Ava, her face falling, “why not?”
“The Vatican knows your faces,” said Father Vincent, “and they don’t exactly like you.”
“What did I do?” asked Beatrice indignantly.
Mother Superion and Father Vincent eyed each other carefully. It seemed to Ava like they were both trying to avoid speaking. It was Camila who finally guessed the answer.
“Well,” Camila cleared her throat, “you were the one who actually blew up a corner of Piazza San Pietro. And, I suppose, by extension…” Camila’s voice faltered but Bea finished for her.
“I set Adriel free,” she whispered softly. She turned her head down, looking troubled. The room stayed quiet, waiting on baited breath to see how she would react. Unable, once again, to handle the awkward silence, Ava attempted to comfort the sister warrior.
“Bea…”
“Have I been excommunicated?” Beatrice asked, looking to Mother Superion and Father Vincent. Her expression was unreadable.
“No,” replied Vincent. “But it was discussed, even though Duretti would not hear a word against you. After he was killed the surviving leadership wanted someone to blame for everything that had happened. I offered up myself, but they said I had shown repentance and came back to the fold. But you…”
“I broke my vows and left shortly after losing the Halo Bearer,” she said bitterly, looking down at her hands. “I can imagine the rumors.”
“We assured them that they were not true,” supplied Father Vincent.
“Weren’t they though?” challenged Bea, looking up at Vincent. “Hiding out alone with the Halo Bearer for two months, inseparable once we returned, abandoned the church once she was gone? I’m sure some of them got it right. And for a lot of them, that itself would have been enough.”
Ava wanted to say something. She wanted to comfort her partner, who was looking both hurt and angry, but it was Camila who stepped in.
“Bea, for a lot of them the fact that we’re women who don’t answer to them would be enough. The pope did not excommunicate you. The rest are not worth thinking about.”
There was a murmur of agreement around the table.
“Thank you all,” said Bea as she stood up from the table. “I think I need some air.”
Ava didn’t need Mother Superion’s gesture to immediately follow her out of the room.
Bea didn’t go far. She wasn’t trying to hide. She really only wanted to get some fresh air in her lungs. Perhaps a deep breath outside would help with the pressure pinching her chest. Maybe the breeze would help cool the burning sensation in the skin behind her neck and ears. Hopefully, the scenic view would calm her fluttering heart.
The sky was painted orange, streaks of yellow stretching out from the burning sphere hovering just over the distant line of hills. Purple clouds, highlighted with bright pinks and reds, stretched across the sky and into the darkness. Bea shuddered at the beautiful evening. She didn’t quite understand what was happening. Obviously the thought of almost being excommunicated upset her, but why would that make her hands shake? When she had given up her vows, she had given up her belief in the authority of the church—or so she had thought. Yet here she was, worried over the fate of her immortal soul yet again.
She felt Ava’s approach before she could hear the younger woman’s footsteps. Ava didn’t say anything; she simply sidled up next to her and put an arm around her waist. Bea absently wondered if Ava didn’t know what to say.
No, she just knows me so well she knows what to do.
That thought pushed through the fog of her anxiety, a beacon drawing her back to steady ground just as the setting sun drew the eye away from the clouds and towards the land on the horizon. Bea rested her cheek on the top of Ava’s head as they both took in the sunset together.
“Thank you,” said Bea after the sun disappeared behind the hills. “I—I don’t know why this affects me so much. I…” She couldn’t find the words and sobbed quietly. Ava squeezed her waist but remained silent as Bea took a deep steadying breath. “They don’t determine my relationship with God.”
“No. They do not,” said a stern voice from behind them. They both turned to see Mother Superion who had apparently followed Ava out of the meeting. Ava raised her eyebrows.
“Wow, I had no idea you were there.” Mother ignored her as she approached the young women.
“Beatrice,” she continued in that same stern voice, “you have come too far to be derailed by a bunch of old fools who no longer know what faith and sacrifice even mean.” Bea’s eyes widened, she never in her life thought she would hear Mother Superion talk about church leaders like this.
“We all choose our own relationships with God. God does not love you any less now than He did when you were a nun.” She reached out and gently placed her hand on Bea’s cheek, wiping away tears with her thumb. “If you are to be judged for anything,” she continued quietly, “it will be for your devotion to the good in this world, to life and to love.”
“But…” began Bea before Mother Superion cut her off.
“After everything we have given and all the sacrifices we have made for God and the world, I have faith that if the Vatican excommunicates any member of our order, they only condemn themselves.” The older woman’s tone brooked no argument. Bea could only nod. Mother Superion stepped back and looked at both of her girls in the fading twilight.
“God is love,” she said. And she smiled at them. “Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke.”
Later that night, Ava and Bea were lying together in bed with the light off; almost naked as usual with Ava nestled into Bea’s side. “Bea? Are you still awake?” Ava asked quietly.
“Yes,” responded the older woman. “Wide awake, actually.”
“Oh.” Ava shifted so that she was lying on her side facing the other woman and Bea moved as well, mirroring her pose so that they were face to face. Ava took in her face in the little moonlight that streamed in through the window. Most of her was in shadow, but her normally warm amber eyes sparkled in the reflected glow. “I was just wondering if you wanted to talk about it. You seemed really shaken.”
“I’m okay, Ava. Mother Superion’s words really helped.”
“Alright,” Ava reached out and softly stroked Bea’s face with her fingertips. “I’m here if you want to talk, you know.” She could see Bea’s shadow smile back in response as she closed her eyes, relishing in the gentle touch. She reached her hand behind Ava’s head, pulling her close until their foreheads were resting against each other, and left her hand there to gently massage Ava’s head.
A couple of minutes passed in silence before Bea spoke. “I was just surprised at how much it mattered to me. I thought I was done. I moved on from the church months ago and I made my peace with that. I made my peace with God. But then hearing that I was almost excommunicated—it physically affected me. I still don’t know what to make of it.”
“Maybe it’s not that simple,” Ava responded. “You’ve been part of the Catholic Church a long time. Maybe that doesn’t just go away. How can it? It’s part of what makes you who you are, even if you don’t like it or want it to be. Even if you hate the pain it caused you when you were growing up.”
Bea didn’t respond, she just gently squeezed the back of Ava’s head to show she was listening. Ava continued, her voice almost dropping to a whisper. “I know it’s a bit of a joke, how hard I try to experience new things—wanting to see the sights on missions and that sort of thing.”
“Ava…”
“It’s okay, Bea,” Ava interrupted. “I play into it and I know where it comes from. I’m still afraid to go to sleep sometimes because I think I’ll wake up paralyzed. Even knowing that I can move, knowing that I have the Halo to keep me alive, living like that for so long is still a part of me. It’s not going to just go away—even though I hate that I went through it.”
Bea smiled at her in the shadows. “I told you you were intelligent.” She leaned forward and pressed her lips against Ava’s. "And for what it's worth," she said as she pulled back, "I love the way you approach life. You're enthusiasm is infectious. It's part of what draws people to you. You're inspiring, Ava."
Ava smiled back. “Come here.” She rolled onto her back and pulled Bea close so that she was snuggled into the Warrior Nun’s side, her head lying on her breast. “I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too, Ava.”
The convent was quiet. Much too quiet for Ava’s liking. She had imagined this as an opportunity to get some more alone time with Beatrice; a little space and freedom to be themselves without having to present a good—well, at least not a bad—example for the other sister warriors. Instead, the almost empty convent somehow became smaller. It was as if the building itself expanded to fit the people who lived in it and the walls contracted once they were gone. She missed her friends.
She and Bea did enjoy the alone time, and Beatrice was more relaxed with her affections in the empty hallways, but most of the older woman’s time was spent on mission prep.
“What are you working on?” Ava asked her one day.
“Contingencies for the Vatican,” she replied, not looking up from her notes, “alternate routes, extra safe houses, that sort of thing.”
“Isn’t that why the girls are there right now? How can you do that from here?”
Bea stopped what she was doing and looked at Ava with a small smile. “I’ve been an OCS operative for years, Ava. Do you think I don’t have any experience in Rome?”
When Ava had made the mistake of complaining about Bea’s preoccupation with the mission to Mother Superion, the older woman looked at her like she had two heads. “There’s a reason she’s so good at this Ava and it’s not solely due to natural ability. You might want to consider doing some research and preparation yourself if you’re bored.”
That is how Beatrice found Ava lying on the floor in the Birdcage, unable to move with the Halo three feet away from her.
“Are you okay?” Bea asked as she made a move to retrieve the Halo for Ava.
“No! Bea, leave it!” said Ava quickly. Bea stopped mid-motion and looked over at Ava, who had not looked away from the Halo.
“Did you do this on purpose?” she asked, wondering how Ava could have gotten herself into this mess.
“Yeah!” she said excitedly. “I’m trying to see if I can get it to move to my hand. I figured that would be important in case I ever drop it on a mission. I can activate it like this; that was exciting! But it doesn’t seem to want to move.”
“How long have you been trying?” Bea asked curiously, kneeling down next her. It had only just occurred to her that she hadn’t seen Ava for most of the afternoon.
“I’m not sure,” replied the Warrior Nun, “about two hours? I would have taken a break only I forgot to let anyone know I was here and well…” Bea snorted at her as she tried not to laugh.
"Yeah, go ahead and laugh at the paralyzed girl," joked Ava with a smile.
"I'm not laughing at you Ava," Bea assured her with a smile, "I'm laughing because you didn't think to tell anyone that you were going to deliberately get yourself stuck here—okay maybe I am laughing at you."
"Ha ha. Will you help me out?"
"You just told me not to," replied Bea, shrugging her shoulders. She stood and starting to head for the door. "I'm sure you'll manage."
"Bea!" shouted Ava. "What the hell?"
Bea turned around and kneeled next to her again, a mischievous look on her face. "What will you do for me?"
"You are not blackmailing me for sex right now," said Ava with mock-disbelief. Bea simply smiled and winked at her.