Goodbye Gabrielle
Ava watched Bea walk out the door, followed her briefly and continued watching her walk down the hall and out of sight. Haunted by the glassy eyes and disturbing smile that Bea gave her, Ava wanted to call out to her, wanted to chase her down, wanted to continue what she started—not the yelling. That was an outburst built up out of fear and worry for the safety of the woman she loved. She wanted to continue her apology, to make things right and fill in the rift she had created between them. Every fiber of her being was telling her to go after the sister warrior and fix this; but she stopped herself. That’s what she wanted—what she needed. Bea needed some time to herself and for once, Ava would not be selfish. But she couldn’t bring herself to stay here alone so she walked away in the opposite direction, unsure of where she was going.
She found herself minutes later outside the infirmary. She had not yet checked up on Sister Rosemary and it seemed like the thing to do. As the Warrior Nun she was technically in charge of all the missions, and the rookie had gotten hurt on her watch. She walked into the infirmary to find only the one bed occupied. Sister Eileen, nodding off slightly, was sitting in a chair near the head of the bed.
“How is she?” Ava asked quietly, causing the young nun to jump.
“Oh—Ava!” she said, “She’ll be fine. Just a concussion. She just fell back asleep. I was about to leave, actually.”
Ava pulled up her own chair and took a seat opposite Sister Eileen. She looked so young; Ava had a hard time believing Eileen was actually older than she was. “And how are you?” Ava asked. Then, noticing the woman was still in her battle gear she continued, “Did you skip dinner?”
“I’m not hungry,” Eileen responded. “I’m still keyed up from the mission. It was—intense.”
“Yeah,” agreed Ava, “it gets that way around here. You did well. Has anyone talked to you about it yet?”
“I debriefed with Sisters Camila and Dora, and Mother Superion.”
“Good. I’ve never really done a debrief before so I’m sure I won’t have much to add.” She made to get up. Sister Eileen rose with her.
“Do you think Sis—Beatrice will come by?”
“I’m sure she will,” Ava hedged. “She’s been pretty busy since we got back. You might not see her until tomorrow.”
“Oh,” Eileen’s face fell a little. “I thought she was amazing. I know everyone is mad at her for going off after Sister Lilith but I thought it was a very bold move.”
“Yeah,” agreed Ava. “I’ll make sure she finds you tomorrow and you can talk about it with her. Make sure you get some sleep.”
Ava continued wandering the halls in Cat’s Cradle long after the sun had set. She had not run into Bea and there was no sign that she had returned to their room, so she set off in search of Camila, who she knew was likely closing up the armory.
“Hey Cam,” Ava called as she approached the young nun, “have you seen Bea?” Camila’s face soured immediately.
“Not since I saw her go into Mother’s office for her debrief. Were you planning on doing one of those with her yourself?”
“Not really,” answered Ava. “Do you know where she might have went?”
“I’m surprised she’s not with you, looking for some comfort after her fuck up.”
“Will you let it go, Cam? She knows alright? C’mon, it’s Bea, you could probably count the number of times on one hand she‘s made a mistake on a mission.”
Camila sighed, a slight look of shame crossing her face. “Fine, you’re right. But I haven’t seen her.” She looked at Ava shrewdly, “Why isn’t she with you?”
Ava felt her face heat up with embarrassment and she looked down at the floor. “I may have yelled at her too. A lot.”
“Trouble practicing what you preach?”
“Always,” said Ava. She looked at Cam with a pleading look. “I need to fix it, Cam. She didn’t—she didn’t look good when she left.”
“I told you once you wouldn’t find her if she didn’t want to be found,” mused Camila. “That said it’s pitch black outside right now…”
“…and she’s still in her gear,” Ava completed the thought, “Thanks Cam!”
“Bea!” Ava shouted into the night. She was shivering in her armor in the night air as she wandered around the grounds. The stars sparkled in the cloudless sky as she made her way over to a slope with a nice view of the town they had hiked in from. She could see the lights off in the distance.
Seems like a nice spot to me.
“Come on, Bea!” she called out again. “I’m never going to find you without some help. I can only see wraiths in the dark, not people.”
A white light shone off to her left. She watched it happen again and made her way over, guided by Bea’s flashlight.
“Hey,” Ava opened gently, “do you mind if I join you? Keep in mind I can’t really see if you shrug so…”
“Sure,” came Bea’s voice. Ava sat down next to her in the dark, close by but being careful to leave a space between them. She sat quietly, knees up to her chest with her arms wrapped around her legs. She stayed silent for a moment, giving Bea the opportunity to say something. If she were being honest with herself, she was hoping the other woman would open up so she wouldn’t have to.
No such luck. “I owe you an apology,” Ava started. “A big one—but I don’t know if you want to hear it yet.” Bea stayed quiet, even next to her it was dark enough that she couldn’t see the older woman’s face. “I got scared again. Scared I could’ve lost you, and apparently when I get scared I lash out. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
Bea continued to stay quiet, but Ava could sense her shifting. She could feel the warmth of her body as Bea pressed up against her side and laid her head on her shoulder.
“Ava, I made a mistake,” she said, her voice breaking. She took in a shuddering breath and went silent again.
“I know,” responded Ava quietly. “You made a mistake and the three people in your life who mean more to you than anyone else all made you feel awful for it. I’m sorry Bea. As someone who gets mad at your parents on your behalf almost every day, I should have known better. I should have been better.”
“I was Gabrielle again. You said you liked the name—well tonight you got to meet her. The quiet acceptance, trying not to cry, the fake smile afterwards.” Ava could feel Bea’s head nodding against her shoulder as she spoke. She could feel the pain in her very soul knowing that she had caused the love of her life to feel this way. “I know I scared you and I am sorry about that.” She gave a quick watery laugh. “After all the times you’ve done it to me I should have probably been more sensitive about it; but Ava,” she shifted around again so that they were face to face. It was so dark that Ava couldn’t see the rest of her body. Beatrice's visage floated alone in nothingness. She gazed into Ava's eyes with an intensity that Warrior nun couldn’t quite grasp.
“I want to be clear about two things. The first is that I stand by my actions in the field today. Perhaps my motives were not the greatest for the mission but I believe I made the correct call. My mistake was not anticipating Lilith and not planning for her. I should have known better.”
“And the second?” Ava asked softly.
“I am not perfect. I make errors in judgment, I make mistakes and I fuck up. If you want to say something to me about the things I do wrong please go right ahead. I am always willing to listen to criticism and I will always try to make things right.” Bea's eyes flashed in the darkness. “But don’t ever make me feel like Gabrielle again.”
Ava wanted to look down in shame but she couldn’t tear herself away from the sister warrior’s gaze. “I won’t, Bea. I promise.” Again, Ava felt as if she should divert her eyes, like she didn’t deserve to be staring into the depths of Beatrice’s soul so soon after she had hurt her, but she was enchanted by the amber pools in front of her. “Are we okay?” she whispered.
Bea’s gaze softened. She nodded as she closed her eyes, breaking the spell, and placed her forehead against Ava’s, “Yes, we are.”
“Good,” replied Ava, “can we go inside now? It’s freezing out here!” Bea grinned as she started to laugh. “Seriously, how are you not shivering?”
“So,” asked Ava as they walked hand-in-hand down the empty hall to their room, “do you want to tell me what happened with Lilith?”
“We fought. I got her a couple of times. Then she teleported and hid. I thought she had left to go after you and then suddenly she had me by the throat and jacked me up against the wall.”
“Sounds like a fun Friday night,” Ava joked.
Bea raised an eyebrow at her. “There’s not much more to it. She sounded like she had heard that you were back but didn’t believe it until she saw me. As to how she knew that I had left, I have no idea. I think she let me go because she wasn’t expecting us to be there and I don’t think she wanted to face you.” She was quiet about what Lilith had said to her. Bea had been an operative long enough to know that when a potential spy tells you to keep something to yourself, you do it.
“Could she have a spy in the OCS?”
“It’s possible and something that I had considered. It’s more likely though that it’d be someone at the Vatican. I would imagine that both our names and whereabouts are pretty well known at this point.” They had made it back to the room and went inside. Ava turned to Beatrice.
“You know it’s pretty late,” she said, rubbing her hands along Bea’s arms. “We should probably get to bed soon but we both still need to shower.” She looked up into Bea’s eyes. “We could probably save some time if we just went in together.” She moved her hands up into the taller woman’s hair, gently massaging the back of her head and neck. Bea closed her eyes and moaned quietly at the treatment. “What do you think?”
Bea smiled, eyes still closed. “I think—that we’re not done talking about what happened earlier.” She opened her eyes and looked down at Ava, an inscrutable look on her face. Ava was feeling a little unsure of herself under Bea’s gaze.
“W—we do?”
“I told you that I stand by my decision to go after Lilith. You didn’t have much to say about that.”
Ava removed her hands from Bea’s hair and let her arms swing idly by her sides. A space was opening up between them again and she wanted to head it off. She took a deep breath. “You’re right. You made a decision and I disagreed with it. But like you said, I don’t want to waste time being mad at you.”
“And I don’t want you second guessing every decision I make because it might put me in danger.”
“Well what do you want from me, Bea?” Ava threw her hands up in frustration and turned away, walking around the room. “Do you expect me to just stand by and do nothing when you needlessly put your life in danger?”
“I expect you to trust that I know what I’m doing,” Bea replied, raising her voice. She had leaned forward a little into a slightly aggressive posture. “I have never once needlessly put my life in danger. I take the risks I have to take to accomplish the mission and to protect my sisters; to protect you!”
“And who protects you?” Ava shouted at her, tears starting to form. She was dimly aware that this was a very old building and that most of the convent might be hearing them but couldn’t bring herself to care right now. “Who keeps you safe? What if I don’t care about the mission? What if I don’t—care about…” She couldn’t bring herself to finish the thought. Crying freely now, Ava sat on the foot of the bed with her head in her hands. Bea knelt down in front of her, putting her hands on Ava’s thighs.
“You don’t mean that,” she said softly, her own tears streaming down her face. “You do care. I know you do. You’ve already proven that so many times.” She paused briefly and sighed. “Ava, look at me. You protect me. Our sisters protect me. We all protect each other. That’s how it works. I’m not asking you to not try and keep me safe. I’m asking you to respect me enough to make my own decisions, just like I need to do for you.” She gave Ava a tentative smile. “And maybe I’m also asking that you don’t go into another mission with the intention of sacrificing yourself.”
Ava gave her a watery chuckle. “Fuck that,” she sniffed. “I can’t save the world if I’m dead.” She took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. I can agree to that. I just love you so much. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either. But we’ve talked about this. Our job never ends so it’s unlikely that we’ll get our happy ending. That doesn’t mean we can’t have a happy life together, right?”
“A happy and long life together,” said Ava stubbornly.
Bea smiled at her. “A happy and long life together,” she agreed. She took a deep breath and let out another sigh. “How about we keep this happy life going with that shower?” Ava smiled back and leaned down to kiss her.
The days continued on much as they had before their first mission. Ava was relieved to see how quickly the sister warriors were able to get past their problems and move forward. Forgiveness, she saw, was more than just words to the women in the OCS, it was a creed. “When you live a life where every day might be your last,” Yasmine had told her, “it doesn’t make sense to dwell on mistakes.” The two had been watching Bea and Camila together the morning after the mission; Ava had been worried that the young nun was still holding a grudge.
Ava was with Bea later that same day when she went to visit Rosemary in the infirmary and was not completely surprised to see Sister Eileen already there visiting her friend. The two rookie sister warriors were very receptive to Bea’s apology as well as her admonition that while her gambit may have worked, she most certainly did not want to see either of them trying anything like that themselves.
“I like them,” Ava said as the two women left the infirmary. “I think we should have them join our group training sessions with the girls sometimes.”
“We’ll see,” Bea responded with a smile. “First Sister Rosemary has to get approval to start training again.”
Training sessions continued for Ava—sparring against Bea, Dora and Camila. Yasmine, having come a long way since the assault on Adriel’s cathedral all those months ago, was still not yet at a point where she could safely spar with the Warrior Nun. Ava was pushing herself more and more, at times attempting to take on two of the women at once; those sessions typically did not end well for her and the effects of her efforts were starting to linger.
“Are you alright, darling?” Bea asked, as Ava walked gingerly into their room after staying late at dinner one night. Bea had decided to skip the evening festivities, which had become an almost nightly occurrence since their first day back at Cat’s Cradle. Ava found her sitting in their bed, book in hand.
“Oh—yeah,” said Ava, wincing a little as the muscles in her legs cried out in protest, “I’ve never been better. Why do you ask?”
Bea raised her eyebrows as her lips turned up. “No reason.” Ava relaxed next to her on the bed and let out a huge sigh.
“What are you up to, Bea?”
“Sitting, reading, enjoying the quiet,” Bea answered.
“So you’re just ‘Bea-ing?’” Ava looked up at her with a grin.
“Well,” replied Bea, confusion evident on her face, “yes, I suppose…” She tilted her head to the side as she adopted a disappointed look and turned to look down at Ava. “Awful.”
“Oh come on,” said Ava, nudging the older woman playfully, “’name’ one thing wrong with it.”
That one had gotten Bea to laugh in spite of herself. “Where would I ‘Bea’ without you?” she asked.
“Meh,” replied Ava, “not your ‘Bea—est?’” Bea gave a small snort.
“A va—unted effort?” she tried, causing both women to break down in giggles. Ava watched Bea slide down the bed next to her as they laughed together. The sister warrior was on her side, head in her hand and one arm across Ava. The Halo Bearer smiled up at her as she lied there, taking in every detail of Bea’s face; her amber eyes, the soft curve of her cheek, her smooth skin and her dazzling smile.
For a brief moment, Ava allowed herself to forget. She forgot she was the Warrior Nun. She forgot about her responsibilities. She forgot about the aches and pains in her body from days of hard training. She forgot about her past traumas, her life before the Halo, the walk back to the room from dinner. She forgot to be afraid for their future. Everything outside of this moment was gone; lost in the swirling mass of chaos that surrounded them, threatening to burst through and envelope them. For Ava, this was the eye in the storm. She would give anything—everything—to make this moment last a lifetime.
“I love you, Bea,” she said softly. Bea beamed at her and leaned down to bring their lips together.
Three days and one uneventful mission later, Ava and Bea were sparring together out in the courtyard. For once, they did not have an audience, as they had extended their session through lunch. Bea was reveling in the fact that it was just the two of them. She had come to view sparring with Ava, particularly Aikido training, with its close contact and takedowns that often ended with them both together on the ground, as a kind of foreplay. It was the one time that she really felt comfortable being that close to and physical with Ava in front of other people. Today, she could tell, Ava seemed to be enjoying it as much as she did.
As they were finishing their training, Bea had taken down Ava in such a way that she ended up behind her on her side on the ground. Instead of letting her up, Bea decided to grab Ava’s waist and started tickling her. Ava practically screamed with laughter and in her efforts to get up, she ended up sitting in Bea’s lap, still fighting to get away as tears of tortured joy rolled down her cheeks. In a last ditch effort, Ava reached down and squeezed a ticklish spot on Bea’s thigh right above her knee, forcing the older woman to release her as she was tickled in turn. Ava immediately flipped over and pounced, mercilessly going after all the spots on Bea’s abdomen she knew would drive the sister warrior crazy.
“What are you two doing?” asked Camila as she approached them. Ava immediately jumped away as Beatrice continued to lie on the ground holding her gut, both women laughing hysterically. After they had both gotten themselves somewhat under control, Ava spoke.
‘Sorry, Cam,” she said, “what was that?”
“I was just asking what you two were doing,” replied Camila.
“That’s ‘nun’ of your business,” said Ava as both women broke down again in hysterical laughter again over the pun.
Camila waited for them to calm down, an amused and satisfied expression on her face. When they both had again managed to control themselves, she addressed them. “I just thought you might want to know, Jillian Salvius is here.”