Consequence of Choice
Slowly, the two women made it back to their apartment. Ava practically carrying the sister warrior by the time they made it to the door. Bea had made a stop at one more bin along the way.
“Alright Bea,” gasped Ava as she got the older woman though the door. “We’re here. Why don’t you lie down while I get you some water?” She watched Beatrice stumble across the apartment and land in the bed. Shaking a head and smiling to herself, Ava turned and began filling two cups of water, her own drunken haze starting to creep back in after the adrenaline of taking care of Bea started to wear off. She turned back in time to see the other woman shoot across the room to the bathroom and soon heard her retching.
“Sounds like you made the toilet at least,” said Ava, feeling slightly exasperated. Taking her time, she finished her own water and grabbed a kitchen chair before walking into the bathroom after hearing the toilet flush.
It was an impressive sight. Ava looked to see Beatrice, the otherwise unflappable badass warrior nun, whom she often thought of as the sexiest woman alive, asleep sitting up on the bathroom floor, in front of the toilet, using the toilet paper roll on the wall as a pillow. Honestly, she thought to herself, if it wasn’t for the setting, she would look really cute right now. Bea’s hair was tied back in a messy bun—Ava herself had taken care of that after the first public trash bin experience—with a few strands neatly framing her face, which was looking slightly flushed. She looked more peaceful now than Ava had seen her since they got to the bar. She set down the chair and glass of water, went and grabbed whatever book Bea had been reading, took a seat and waited.
Beatrice awoke with a start. Ava watched as the drunken sister warrior looked around in confusion, clearly wondering how she had gotten there. Her eyes found Ava’s.
“Hi!” said Ava with a smile, leaning forward in her chair. She shouldn’t be enjoying this sight in front of her. Really, she should be angry, or at the very least annoyed. But there was something about seeing the normally composed and collected woman on the floor in front of her completely lose control that she found amusing. It did not escape her thinking that seeing Bea lose control like this in a different setting could be far more interesting. “How’re you feeling?” She handed the other woman the glass of water.
Bea accepted the glass with a sigh. “Drunk,” she said simply as she tentatively took a couple sips. She tilted her head as she looked up at Ava, bewilderment clear on her face as if she was trying to grasp something that she should be able to reach but was just beyond her comprehension. “Did we make out on the dance floor?”
“Oh yeah!” replied Ava, her grin growing bright. “Or I should say you made out with me.”
“I’m sure you were just a helpless victim,” Bea responded sarcastically as she took another sip of water.
“Of course I was. I’m completely powerless against your drunken charms,” said Ava with a dignified air. Her smile fell as she watched Beatrice’s face darken. It was as if she could see the shame dripping down from the roots of her hair to slowly encompass and envelope her body. She saw Bea curl in on herself, bringing her knees to her chest, as it happened.
“Hey, Bea, it’s okay,” she said. “It’s not a big deal that we made out at the bar. No one was judging you.”
That was apparently the wrong thing to say. “I’m judging me!” Beatrice yelled. She grabbed the sides of her head with both hands. “I’ve spent years of my life trying to avoid this sort of thing; trying to deny who I am and keep these desires trapped where no one else can see. Then you come along. And you were selfish and free," her voice softened, "and accepting. You made me feel like I could be that way as well.” She paused and Ava remained silent, allowing her to work through her thoughts and also unsure of how to respond. “And you disappeared and I fell apart. Everything that I worked to be just came crashing down. Then I worked again to build myself back up, convincing myself that you would come back and that you would need me.” She shivered as she took a deep breath. “And then you do come back. And I fall apart again.” She rested her head back against the wall as she closed her eyes.
Ava watched blankly as she listened to Bea’s outburst. Her heart was beating fast in her chest. A little voice in the back of her mind was whispering maliciously that Bea regretted Ava coming back from Reya’s realm; that she wished that they had never met. Ava shook her head as she thought about the two of them lying in bed together only the night before. No! She refused to believe that Bea had regrets about her.
“Bea,” Ava spoke to her quietly, “are you upset that we made out or are you upset about how drunk you got?”
Bea didn’t open her eyes when she responded, a hint of resignation in her voice. “I’m upset that I’m upset about it.” She turned her head and looked at Ava, her eyes tired. “Ava, loving you is both the hardest and easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I could never be embarrassed by loving you. That’s the problem. Everything I did tonight, the way I behaved, flies so directly in the face of everything I was ever taught was right.”
Ava’s head was spinning. She was definitely missing something. “Bea,” she interrupted gently, “I really don’t understand.”
Bea released a big sigh. “I’m not embarrassed about my behavior, at least not about the part we’re talking about. I’m ashamed right now, Ava, because I know I wouldn’t have dared kiss you in front of everyone if I had been sober. I’m ashamed because I needed to rely on one weakness to overcome another.” A couple of tears silently streamed down her cheeks as she continued to stare at Ava.
Ava finally understood, her heart breaking for the woman sitting on the floor in front of her. “I get it, Bea. Lots of people are uncomfortable with public displays of affection, and that’s without growing up with awful parents and the fucking Catholic Church hammering into them how horrible they are. Listen, this sucks that you have to deal with this and I know it’s something that you’re going to have to work through but I’m here for you. Every step of the way I’m here for you with whatever you need.”
“Thank you, Ava.” Bea gave her a small smile.
“Of course,” said Ava simply. “Listen, we can always talk about it more in the morning. Why don’t we get you up and we go get some sleep?” She went over to the sister warrior and wrapped her arms around her. They held each other for a moment before making a move to get up. After a half-hearted attempt, Beatrice immediately shook her head and sat back down, squeezing her mouth shut.
“Nope. That’s not going to work. I’m just going to sleep here tonight.”
“Are you serious?” asked Ava incredulously. “We were just having a moment.”
Bea put her hand on Ava’s cheek and Ava could see the complete sincerity in her eyes. “It was a lovely moment, darling, and I truly, truly appreciate your support.” She took a deep breath. “But if you make me get up now, I am going to throw up on you.”
“So what, you’re just going to sleep on the bathroom floor?”
“I believe the phrase is ‘pass out,’” responded Bea as she laid down on the cold tile. “Please hand me a towel?”
Ava could only blink in astonishment as she watched the—once—dignified sister warrior curl herself up on the bathroom floor using a rolled up towel as a pillow. Beatrice was asleep almost before her face hit the towel. It was only at this point that it had occurred to Ava that Beatrice had fallen asleep in the only bathroom in their apartment.
“Good morning sunshine!” shouted Ava excitedly. She was sitting at the kitchen table with a steaming mug in front of her flashing her biggest smile at Beatrice, who glared at her for a moment before sitting next to her at the table and taking her coffee. “Hey! Thief!” said Ava.
“How are you okay right now?” Bea asked her. “I’ve seen you worse than me after nights of drinking less.”
“I think I might still be a little drunk,” replied Ava as she got herself another cup of coffee. She sat back down at the table. “So, do you remember our talk last night?”
“You mean my drunken mental breakdown and your unwavering support?” Bea asked as she smiled over her coffee at Ava.
“That would be the one. How are you feeling?”
Bea sat for a moment contemplating her coffee. “I’m alright. It’s a work in progress. But I still know that I will never feel ashamed for being in love with you and that’s the most important thing.”
“I love you too, Bea,” replied Ava, grasping her hand. “What do you say to snuggling on the couch all day and watching T.V.?” It was a sign of Bea’s hangover that she didn’t argue.
“I am sorry about last night,” said Bea as they made their way over to the couch. “I know it wasn’t what you had in mind.”
“No,” agreed Ava, “no it wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for you losing control. I was just kind of hoping it would be in the bed with me and not on the bathroom floor with the toilet.”
“Oh my God,” said Bea with her head in her hands. “I wanted that too, Ava. I really did—do! I just—I think I got really nervous about it? I mean—I was a nun, Ava, I don’t even know where to begin!” She looked over at Ava sideways, her head lying on her hands as she leaned forward over her knees on the couch.
Ava matched her posture. “Do you think you sabotaged it?” she asked.
“I don’t know—maybe. Certainly not on purpose. I was really excited. That what makes it so frustrating.”
Ava sighed. “Well that last part is true.” Bea lowered her gaze, the edges of her mouth dipped into a small frown. “Listen,” said Ava quickly, “I’m excited to be with you and I really want to do more, but not until you’re ready. And I don’t really know what I’m doing either. We’ll figure it out together, right?”
She looked so genuine and hopeful that Bea could feel herself falling in love all over again. “You’re amazing,” was all she could think to say.
“I know,” Ava responded. “Besides, it’s not like our relationship didn’t progress at all last night. At least we can now say that one of us has peed in front of the other.”
Beatrice groaned, face back in her hands. “Ava…”
“You passed out in the only bathroom, Bea!”
The rest of their week together passed by far too quickly for both women. Days were spent hiking in the snow to their lake or simply not leaving the bed. In the afternoons they would walk around town or spend time with Hans and their friends at the bar or simply not leave the bed. There was a marked change, Beatrice noticed, in her interactions with the townspeople she had known for so many months now that Ava was here. It was if they had warmed up to her now that she had Ava’s seal of approval, or perhaps she was just more receptive now that she was truly happy for the first time in her life. Ava had that effect on her and Bea couldn’t help that the younger woman’s zest for life and human interactions rubbed off on her. And so it was that they found themselves sitting around a quiet bar with Hans and a few regulars on their last night in town.
“I can’t believe that you’ll both be gone tomorrow,” said a woman Bea recognized as Elena. “Ava you just got back and Beatrice, you’ve been a staple around here. We’ll miss you both.”
“At least they’re saying goodbye this time,” replied Hans with a sad smile on his face. “Let me give you a ride to the bus tomorrow, ja?” It was a mark of how much the man would miss them that this was the third time he asked despite Ava already agreeing.
This time Bea responded. “Of course, Hans. Danke.”
“Will we see you again?” piped up another voice. Bea recognized him as the man who had asked her about Ava all those months ago, that night she had ended up in Daniel’s apartment. Her voice faltered at the memory and she looked over at Ava for help.
“I hope so,” Ava said quietly. She had been uncharacteristically subdued tonight. “This place has been home for us, right Bea?” Bea saw her chocolate eyes sad and pleading and the slightest of frowns upon her lips. She mirrored the look.
“It has been,” she answered. “You all have accepted us so easily—twice.” She looked directly at Hans now. “And you’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know. I hope we make it back here again someday.”
They sat together on the bus. Ava was looking out the window at the passing countryside while Beatrice held her pen and notepad in hand. A sigh roused the older woman from her work and she put her pad down in her lap as she looked up to see Ava smiling at her sadly. Beatrice could feel her heart beat in her throat as her breathing went shallow as Ava reached over and wrapped their hands together.
“What are you working on?”
“My report for Mother Superion. Remember the one I told her I did a week ago?” Ava gave a small laugh at that. “I must be rubbing off on you,” she said, fondly. “Would you like some help?”
“Yes, actually,” Bea replied. “If we could talk again about the things Reya told you that would be incredibly helpful. Maybe we can work some things out about this Holy War.”
Ava recounted her story again for Bea. This time, without so much emotion wrapping up her mind around Ava’s return, she was able to ask some more poignant questions. “How did you figure out that she couldn’t just take the Halo from you?”
“I don’t really know,” Ava replied. “Something about the way she kept saying that I must ‘choose’ to fight for her kept bothering me. And then the tarask refused to chase me even though I Halo-blasted it.”
“It’s not a superpower, Ava,” interrupted Beatrice, rolling her eyes.
“It kind of is. Anyways, I remembered you and Father Vincent telling me that the tarasks were charged with retrieving the Halo. That’s when I figured out that they didn’t particularly care who had the Halo, just that it was there with them. After that, well, it was a bit of a bluff.” She shrugged. Bea was impressed and she told Ava as much. “Hey, I’m not a complete idiot you know,” she responded good-naturedly.
“On the contrary, Ava, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met, when you decide to pay attention.”
“Awwww!” interrupted Ava, “Beeeeeea!”
“And when you’re not talking like that,” Bea responded absently. “You figured out that Reya can’t impugn your free will.”
Ava blinked. “Say again?”
“There have been many theories on the subject but some scholars believe that only humans have free will; that God gave humans the gift of choice which no other creatures possess, including angels and, I suppose as an offshoot, demons.”
“So,” Ava said and she was looking at Bea a little bit like she was crazy, “you’re saying that Reya and Adriel don’t have free will?”
“No,” replied Bea, immediately, shaking her head, “we’ve seen too much in the past year for me to say that. But, the evidence would suggest, at least regarding Reya and I suppose a little with Adriel too, that there are limits to which they can impact it.”
“Bea!” said Ava, and Bea could hear the distress in her voice. “How can you possibly say that after all the damage he caused?”
Bea sat quietly for a moment, thinking things through. Thinking back over everything that Adriel had done. He fooled Michael and Jillian Salvius, he convinced Vincent to use them to reach the tomb, he had Duretti executed and he influenced thousands, perhaps millions with words and wraiths.
Influenced.
“Ava,” she asked quietly, almost as if she were asking herself the question instead of the other woman, “in all of his time on Earth how many people did Adriel, himself, kill?”
She waited for Ava to answer. She watched as the Halo Bearer thought back to everything she had seen and done since they had met. Finally, Ava responded. “I can only think of Areala. But so many people died because of him.”
“But he didn’t kill them himself.”
“Semantics.”
“But he still didn’t kill them himself.”
“So,” Ava said slowly, “you’re saying that all of the horrible things he did were caused by people believing in him and that if they didn’t than maybe none of that would have happened?" She paused. "There’s a pleasant thought.”
Beatrice could only shrug in response.