Fall from Grace
“Ava. Wake up Ava.” She heard a low voice speaking tenderly into her ear. It’s almost a whisper on the wind. “Ava, can you hear me?” Something warm and soft touched her forehead. The uncomfortable dampness of the cloth stirred her further. She opened her eyes to see two beautiful amber pools. “Welcome home,” Beatrice said simply, smiling down at her.
Ava smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. “Bea?” she asked, breathlessly, taking in the other woman. “The last thing I remember is falling asleep while I was being healed.”
“You seem to be better now.” Beatrice answered. “Can you sit up?”
“Yeah, I think so.” Ava sat herself up in the soft bed. She felt the cotton sheets curl up as she clenched them in her fingers. She saw Beatrice take a step back and clasp her hands. It was only now that Ava realized that the other woman was wearing her habit. She seemed to want to give Ava space to orient herself. Ava, for her part, had other things in mind. She sprung up from the bed and reached Beatrice in two steps, wrapping her arms around her. She grasped the back of Beatrice’s clothes as the nun put her arms around Ava. Burying her head in the taller woman’s shoulder, Ava inhaled deeply, catching the faint aroma of lilacs, the same as the shampoo they had shared in Switzerland. Ava could feel her heart beat in her throat as her breathing went shallow.
They broke apart. “I’m so happy you’re back,” Beatrice said to her, “I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you too, Bea,” Ava replied. She leaned up to bring her lips to the other woman. Beatrice stepped back. “There’s plenty of time for that later,” said the nun. “Come, everyone’s been waiting to see you.” Ava felt Bea’s arm around her shoulders as she was led from the room.
“Bea, what’s going on?” asked Ava, stopping to stand in the middle of the hallway at Cat’s Cradle. “Why won’t you touch me?”
“Ava?” yelled an excited voice from down the hall. She turned to see Camila running towards her, a big smile on her face. “Camila!” responded Ava. She embraced Camila, feeling the other women’s clothes soft in her hands. As she let go, Ava turned to find herself surrounded by familiar faces. Mother! Yasmine! Mary—Mary?
“Mary what are you doing here?” Ava asked. She was beginning to feel an odd sensation of joy mixed with apprehension. “’Bout time you showed up,” said Mary. Ava shook her head.
“Bea?”
“Yes Ava, I’m here.”
“What’s going on?”
“Ava?”
“Why won’t you touch me?”
She grabbed at Beatrice’s hand with her own and watched in horror as it passed right through. Ava awoke with a start, sweating and sitting up on a white table in a blue room.
Beatrice was breathing heavily as she struggled through the freshly fallen snow. She was making her way, finally, up to the lake where she spent her afternoons training. For the last three months, she was up here every day, weather notwithstanding.
Three months. Three months since the last time she drank. Three months since telling her family how far she had fallen. Three months of singular focus towards non-stop intensive training to be in the best fighting condition she had ever obtained in her life. Three months since she finally decided to get her shit together.
Well it’s together. It’s been together. So what now?
She thought back to that morning. Waking up in a strange man’s bed would be a ‘wake up’ call—I’ll have to remember that one for Ava—for any nun. It most certainly was for Beatrice. Daniel was nice enough. He didn’t so much as help her as made sure she wasn’t going to die. And though he didn’t really say much, one phrase stuck with her.
There are worse things than hope. Have faith.
For once, her cynical side had let that statement be and she was able to embrace it. It infected her, spreading all throughout her mind and body, reminding her of what she had forced herself to become the last time her world fell apart and offering a reassurance that this time she could be even better. It became her mantra regarding everything Ava. Soon, Beatrice was able to decide to have faith again, in all the things that truly mattered in her life. Faith in her sisters, faith in Ava and faith in herself.
Shortly after she came to this decision, Beatrice realized that it was a lot easier said than done to put herself back together. While the pain of losing Ava had consumed her for the prior month, it wasn’t the problem. She knew how to handle pain. She had been adept at suppressing her pain since she was a child. She knew how to compartmentalize, how to put her pain aside when she didn’t want it and how to take it back out when it was necessary to motivate, to push harder, to focus.
What she didn’t know how to do, what she had never been able to do, was ask for help.
Loner.
That was the word they always used to describe her. Beatrice didn’t ask for help. Beatrice was the help. She stayed behind and handled things on her own when missions went wrong. She trained her sisters. She saved her sisters. What was she to do when she was the one who needed saving? Hands trembling, she reached for her phone. Dialing was thankfully easy as there was only one contact. Still, she had no idea how many minutes she stared at it before finally pressing the button.
She held the phone up to her ear and heard a familiar voice.
“Beatrice?”
“Hello, Camila,” she said, her words steadier than they should have been considering how much her body was shaking.
“Is everything okay?”
Beatrice took a deep breath, wondering if Camila could hear it on the other side. “Um, no actually. I…I need help.” The calmness in her own voice shocked her. “Could you put Mother Superion on?”
The conversation with Mother Superion went better than she had expected. Beatrice told them both everything, with the exception of waking up in a stranger’s bed. She told them instead that she had woken up in bed with no memory of leaving the bar the night before and that loss of control scared her enough to fix herself. She’s not sure if she had been there in person they would have believed her.
The advantages of never lying.
Mother Superion, ever the no nonsense parent, agreed to have Camila wire Beatrice funds that would allow her to reduce her hours at the bar in order to get back to training. “But Beatrice,” she scolded, “this will be your only chance. No more lies. If I hear of another drunken phone call or you miss a check in, you will be cut off. Then your only way back in will be to return home.”
Beatrice winced. “Yes, Mother,” she replied.
“I’m—glad you’re doing better, Bea,” said Camila, tentatively.
“Thanks, Camila.” Beatrice was already wondering what she could do to mend that bridge.
Three months. Three months of never giving herself time to think. She asked Hans to lower her hours at the bar so she could come and go as she pleased, but she was still at the place constantly, looking for odd jobs, anything to keep her hands busy. At least she successfully turned away from the alcohol. She noted that she never saw Daniel at the bar again. She decided not to ask about him.
When she wasn’t working, she was training; pushing herself to the point of such physical exhaustion that at night she was more likely to pass out than sleep. All the better, as the nightmares were less likely to appear when she was so tired.
The months passed. The weather grew cold as the seasons changed. Soon snow was starting to fall. The town took on a peaceful, easy atmosphere. Where there were once busy streets, Beatrice found herself as the only person walking around in the cold. It was as if everyone went into hibernation. Ava would love this. Beatrice was forced to change her training regimen as well. More exercises indoors in the little apartment and long runs and workouts by the lake turned into multi-hour hikes through the snow.
This particular hike was one of the most beautiful days she had seen in her time there. Snow draped over the landscape, absorbing all the sound in the area; the white powder covering the grass, the rocks, the bare trees and the evergreens. Crisp, dark lines identified snow covered structures as the white blanket soaked in all of the color creating a living, breathing black and white painting.
Beatrice hated it. Quiet meant no noise. No noise meant no distraction. No distraction meant alone with her thoughts, something she tried very hard to avoid for the last three months. It was easy to avoid thinking when grinding yourself down to dust. It was not so easy on a peaceful hike through nature.
Ava’s eyes opened. She was at peace. Everything was quiet. A gentle breeze brushed her face as she was looking up at a cloudy gray sky. The brightness making her eyes water.
Not bad, Reya. I was expecting the ride back to be a little rougher.
Indeed, it was simple. She closed her eyes on the other side and opened them here. She was so comfortable laying here it was like…
Floating on a cloud.
…wait a minute…
She reached her hands down below her trying to find the ground that was holding her up.
Shit! She just Wile E. Coyote’d me!
And at that thought, the Halo gave out.
“Reya, you bitch!”
The scream shattered the silence. Beatrice snapped out of herself. She looked ahead to see the body falling from the sky and watched, and cringed, as it dropped into a tree bouncing from branch to branch on its way to the ground. “What the fuck?”
She charged through the snow to where it landed beneath a tall pine tree, hoping against hope that the tree branches broke the poor person’s fall enough that it was survivable; hoping against hope that the thought being born in the back of her mind wasn’t true.
“Ava!” she shouted, running to the unconscious Halo Bearer. “God damn it, no! Please, no! Not again!”
She ran up to Ava’s crumpled body lying on the ground at the foot of the pine, slowing her movements only enough to carefully check for breathing and a pulse. She let go a sigh of relief as she felt both and sat back on her heels. Still breathing hard, she inspected Ava’s body checking on the various injuries, occupying herself as she waited for the Halo to activate. To heal the woman she loved. Her clothes are shredded. Are they the same ones she was wearing when…
Minutes passed.
“Ava, darling,” Beatrice pleaded, her hands holding and stroking the unconscious Halo Bearer’s face. “Please wake up. Come on now, you’re here. You’re home. It’s time to wake up now.” Her voice broke as tears welled up in her eyes.
Seven minutes came and went.
Tears rolled down Beatrice’s cheeks as she gently lifted Ava to check for the tell-tale glow from the Halo.
There was nothing.
“What is going on?” she shouted at the world. “Why aren’t you healing?” She was becoming frantic now, not sure if she was yelling at Ava or the Halo.
Have faith.
She grasped Ava’s fingers in hers and bent her forehead to their joined hands. For the first time in four months, Beatrice prayed.
The prayer was a simple one. Please save her. Over and over. She wasn’t even sure if it was God to whom she was praying. But she prayed.
And she heard around her a high-pitched ring.
And the Halo glowed.
Ava awoke with a gasp and Beatrice was on her instantly. “Ava!” she nearly shouted, cupping the woman’s face. “Beatrice?” Ava’s response seemed muted and confused. “Was I just flying?” As the seconds ticked by she started coming to her senses and a smile spread across her lips. “Hi!”
“Hi!” Beatrice replied, laughing and blinking rapidly to stop the tears. “You’re back!”
Ava didn’t respond. She gradually turned her head, taking in her surroundings. “Am I?” she said quietly, as if talking to herself. Beatrice gave her a troubled look. Ava lifted her head as she made a move to get up but her body didn’t respond. “Fuck, I can’t move,” panic laced her voice and her breathing started to quicken. “Beatrice, I can’t move.”
“Breathe,” the sister warrior soothed. “I’m here. You’ll be ok. The Halo is probably just charging. You did fall out of the sky, after all.” Beatrice was amazed at how well she was maintaining her composure. She wanted to scream; to grab the other woman and bury her face in her neck; to cry. But she saw Ava lying there helpless and afraid. She looked young, much too young and Beatrice’s desire to provide comfort and protection overwhelmed everything else. She took off her jacket and placed it over Ava—she must be freezing—and shifted herself around to place Ava’s head in her lap, cupping her face with one hand while stroking her hair with the other.
“Ok,” Ava responded, “breathe.” She looked deep into the warm amber eyes above her, took a full breath and exhaled, once, twice. On the third exhale she was able to speak again. “Hi.”
“Hi. I love you.”
Ava gave her a dazzling smile. “I love you too. You look good.” She cleared her throat. “Come here often? I try to ‘fly by’ now and again.”
Beatrice groaned. "I’ve missed you,” came her response with a sad smile, “so much.”
Ava gave her a strange look and smirked. “It’s only been a couple weeks.”
Beatrice’s eyes widened. “Ava,” she said slowly, “you’ve been gone for almost four months.”
Ava’s eyebrows almost disappeared in her hair. “Oh. Well that’s—that—doesn’t make any sense.” She looked puzzled. Beatrice was still as she waited for Ava’s explanation.