Steve refuses to listen, to compromise. Tony knows what’s going to happen, what has to, but he still hesitates for a second. He wonders if maybe he should stop and side with him. Surely, if it is the two of them, they can get out with their memories intact. Maybe they can find another way; one where they won’t have to drown in more death.
It would be so much easier to just let go of this responsibility. And more importantly, it would allow him to still be able to be by his side. He wants to, oh how he wants to, even at the cost of every world to come. But Steve has taught him to stand up for what is right, for what must be done, regardless of the personal price to pay. And he is willing to bet it all if there’s a chance that this world, the people, he loves will survive.
[A part of him, a part that should not exist, a part he erased himself, screams as another part wonder why this seems so heart aching familiar]
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…I knew that meant you and I would probably never speak again…..
…I told myself I was okay because I knew I was right and I – I knew it was saving lives….
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“I remember”, he says and Tony’s mind stops as it processes what has happened, what he has lost. He knew this would happen but he isn’t ready, he will never be, to see the hurt and betrayal reflected in Steve’s eyes.
He forces himself to swallow all his apologies, his promises and his desire to beg for one more chance. Instead, he plays his part. He must play the villain, for the world favorites the underdog and it is Steve who must come victorious.
Steve doesn’t hold back much as he punches him, but even though he bleeds, what hurts the most is what follows next. “You used me” he hears as his team, his family, judges him and finds him guilty. As their care and love turns to rage and hatred.
[He feels so alone but also relieve that the team is united, even if it is against him. He can’t bear the thought of seeing the team torn apart, again]
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…I would be the bad guy…
…And I said I was okay with it … I wasn’t…
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As he pours several drinks, he thinks of what happened. Of how he failed. He tried his best, he gave all he had, but he only managed to make things worse. He is nothing more than a broken machine of death that’s obsolete.
Time has run out but he will not go down like this. He might have lost all but he will not let this one thing take his life. He always thought he would either die because of alcohol or because of Iron Man. He looks at the drinks in front of him but they don’t seem appealing.
He chuckles humorlessly as he picks up the gauntlet.
[There’s only silence in his head now. What he wants the most is unreachable, so he will settle for this instead. He is unworthy of what he cherish the most, so he will go down with his second best]
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…The thing I can’t live with… has happened…
…There’s one thing that I’ll never be able to tell anyone now… the one thing I should have told you…
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He survives, as always. It is the one thing he is good for. That and destroying everything he loves by never being good enough. It won’t be long now, though. He knows he is being hunted down. That he will either end up in a cell or he will be put down like a rabid dog, like the monster he has turned into.
He was once told that this path would lead him his end; that those he knows will try to kill him. He will allow it.
He awaits his fate but his mind still won’t stop. A thought keeps plaguing him. His greatest fault is not his arrogance but his need to fix things that were better off without him. Before Iron Man, he was superficial, self-obsessed and useless but he never brought forth so much destruction as he has done now. He tried to be a hero but all he brought was death. Maybe it would be better to go back to the beginning. To erase not only knowledge, but also all those things that have brought him here.
Extremis once helped him; maybe it can do so now.
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…but now I can’t…
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He wakes up, in a living room he recognizes as rarely used but his. He doesn’t really remember why he is here, what he has done, or why he is so far away from home, that he doesn’t have one anymore, he destroyed it, again.
He is confused but surprisingly unconcern. He knows he is safe and that’s all the matters.
Time passes and he decides he doesn’t care enough to find out his reasons. It was his decision so he knows it was right; there is no need for more.
He turns the news on. San Francisco is as boring as it has always been. It’s a place full of mediocre idiots. They should get help, he thinks to himself mockingly.
He laughs at the idea. There is no one good enough; he knows because he has never really met his match. But what can he expect? He is superior after all.
[A partof his mind, small and unable to reach the rest, shatters as it screams, it wasn’t worth it –stopstopstop– It also wonders, quietly and defeated, what will he loose this time?]
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…it was worth it…
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