She stepped up to the door and stopped, bowing her head. The blue indicator light on the security panel blinked at her but she ignored it. It didn’t matter, her thoughts swirled around her and threatened to drown her. She had to control them.
Ward. She had known this day would come, the day that she had to confront him. She had always known that she wouldn’t be able to get away with never seeing him again. And is that what she really wanted? Did she really want to never see him or talk to him again?
The problem is, this team had made her just as vulnerable as they had made her strong. All of them had made her feel loved somehow - and she loved them in return in one way or another - but Skye had learned long ago not to allow herself to love. She had loved other kids in the foster homes only to have them taken from her at the whim of the state. She had loved foster mothers and fathers only to have them give her away when she became too much of a bother. It hadn’t taken long before Skye had learned to love no one and trust only herself. It was better if she were isolated, alone, untouchable.
But this team…this team of people had put their own lives at stake to save her. They had trusted her when no one else in her godforsaken life ever had. The hugs that they had given her and the smiles when she awoke from her injury…they had all been genuine. And Coulson, well, it took her a while to figure out that the look Coulson had been giving her, but she was startled when she realized that it was the same look she’d always seen dads give their kids. The kids they gave a damn about - the kids they loved.
She was scared out of her mind when she realized that she was looking back at him the way those kids had looked at their dads: with admiration, respect, and love. She had bonded with Coulson in a way she never expected or wanted. It was what she had always imagined having a father would be like. That he was being aloof with her now was cutting her deeply, but she couldn't show it. She told herself he was busy, he had things going on he had to attend to. He would be back to himself soon. But Skye was terrified that she was wrong; that he would never go back to the way things were, that he'd never really cared about her at all, and that she would lose yet another person that she'd opened her heart to. Just like all those kids in the orphanages growing up. Just like all those foster parents. Just like Ward.
She had fallen in love with this team completely against her will. She felt vulnerable, but she was not afraid. Over time, she’d come to know that these people really did care about her and wanted nothing but the best for her.
But Grant…
Skye sighed and leaned forward, resting her hand softly against the bumpy, painted surface of the door and pressing her forehead against the cool steel, closing her eyes.
Oh, Grant.
If the rest of the team made her feel vulnerable yet safe at the same time, Grant Ward made her feel like she was naked and raw in front of an arena while simultaneously being swaddled in blankets and cuddled by a lover next to a fire. He was a liar and a murderer. She knew that he was Hydra. She knew that he had spent his life as a double agent, that he had betrayed all of them, that he had dropped Fitz and Simmons into the ocean, that now Fitz was…broken. And it was all Ward’s fault.
But was it? Was it really his fault? How much control did he have over himself? Now that Garrett was dead, was Ward free to be his own man?
Skye raised her head and took a step back, rubbing her hand across her still-closed eyes and exhaling loudly.
The thing is, despite the fact that he lied to and betrayed everyone else, she believed him when he told her that everything he felt for her had been true.
Skye had been lied to her whole life, she’d had to rely on her instinct. The older she’d gotten, the better she’d gotten at reading people - it was a survival skill. She had to know what to expect from people around her if she were going to walk away from them physically and emotionally sound. She knew how to deal with people, what they wanted and how to talk to them very shortly after meeting them. She could read the truth behind their words.
As far as she could tell, Ward had never lied to her. But he had lied to all of them, right? He’d deceived them all.
But he’d never really lied to her. She’d never had cause to question his loyalty until she’d known. And by the time she’d known, it was too late to ask. He had lied to S.H.I.E.L.D., not to her. Never her.
Skye reached forward and put her hand on the door’s security panel, letting her fingertips come to rest on the smooth glass of the sensors, hoping the tremors in her hands wouldn't effect the read. She waited for the red light racing across the top of the panel to turn green.
Skye believed that he loved her. But what did that mean? What did she do with that? Where did she lay her loyalty? That wasn't really a question, she couldn't betray the people who had done so much for her. They had all saved her life, multiple times. They'd all come so close to getting killed themselves when she was injured. There was no doubt that she meant something to all of them, she couldn't betray that.
But Grant had been there, too. Grant had been the one always shadowing her, always directing people to stand guard over her. He'd physically protected her when things blew up. He'd made her feel safe. For God's sake, he'd shot a man dead just because he thought that man was a threat to Skye. Didn't he deserve some loyalty?
No. Think about Fitz, Skye. Grant Ward doesn't deserve anything from you.
But you love him anyway, don't you?
Skye scoffed at herself. Dumbass.
Grant had hurt innocent people. She couldn't ignore that. But he loved her. She believed that and couldn’t ignore it, either. Coulson loved her, and she couldn’t ignore that. The rest of the team cared about her, too. She cared about them. She couldn’t ignore any of these.
But the thing that she couldn't ignore at all, the most persistent thing, was that she was angry. She was furious. She was livid with Grant for making her feel this way. She had been content having occasional meaningless sex when it served her purpose, now that thought made her cold. Triplett smiled at her and it was fun to laugh, but she rolled her eyes and prayed he meant nothing by it because she couldn't stand the thought of being touched by anyone else. She’d been happy not feeling anything, but Grant had made her feel, and she didn’t like it. She had, for just a moment, felt like she might have a chance at what she’d never thought possible. She’d allowed herself to dream for just a little while. Then it all went straight to hell.
The sensor beeped and turned green, giving her the all-clear.
Goddamn you, Ward. I wish you had shot Garrett and run like hell so I could forgive you.
She wrapped her hand around the door’s handle, feeling the cold steel in her clammy hand, bowing her head and closing her eyes as her hair made a curtain around her face. She rocked back and forth just a bit, bracing herself and willing her body to still itself.
Skye raised her head, tossing her hair back. She took a deep, steadying breath and blew it out, saying “okay” in a breathy whisper on the end of it.
“You can do this, Skye. You’ve faced worse. You can do this.”
She took another deep breath, squared her shoulders and pulled the handle.
Skye opened the door.