what's your name?
It’s Christmas eve.
All the houses on the street are brightly lit, Christmas lights and wreathes of holly accessorizing their street facing facades. Some residents have taken outdoor festive decoration a step further, with LED lit nativity scenes, glittering reindeer-led sleighs, and giant sparkly ornaments sitting on their front porches. Fully decked Christmas trees with an array of colorful gifts lying beneath them can be seen through most windows, providing the perfect backdrop to cheerful families sharing eggnog and watching holiday movies, or exchanging anecdotes after a hearty family meal, while that one favorite CD of Christmas carols plays on in the background.
All the houses on the street are wearing the festive spirit of their occupants on their sleeves.
Except for one.
The only thing decorating its front yard is a pride flag, hanging from a wrought iron flag-stand hammered into the grass haphazardly.
Its occupant can’t be fucked about celebrating Christmas.
First of all, Toni Shalifoe doesn’t believe in God.
Second of all, if Jesus really did exist, Toni is of the opinion that he was no son of God. Just a common man with a plan. The OG life coach of the masses. He would probably be embarrassed that his birthday is being used as an excuse for this capitalism-fueled display of extravagance.
Third of all, Toni has no one to celebrate with.
Martha would say that isn’t true.
She had invited Toni home, to the rez, for the holiday season. They don’t celebrate Christmas in the Blackburn house, but they’ve formed holiday traditions of their own over the years, simply because academic calendars favoring Christian traditions left them with no other choice.
Toni misses the Blackburns.
They are the only family she knows, other than her chosen family of friends at UMN.
She would have taken them up on the offer, like she’s been accustomed to, every year since the age of 13, if not for the hefty bonus she’d been offered by the tech store she works at to remain available for shifts through the holiday season. She needs the extra money to buy the car she plans to move to California in, come summer. The bonus will round off the amount she needs to buy the second-hand Jeep Wrangler she has her eyes on.
Working at the tech store sucks ass in comparison to the summer internship she had at NASA earlier this year. It sucks compared to the RA job she had last fall too. The reasons she’s bearing with it are, one, it pays decently, and two, it’s all she can manage while working her butt off on her senior thesis.
All her other friends, save Dot – who also works at the tech store, and also doesn’t have anyone to celebrate with – have gone home for the holidays.
While clocking off work a couple of hours ago, in a moment of weakness, Toni had suggested a Christmas eve sleepover of sorts – read, toking sesh – to Dot.
Dot declined, saying she couldn’t stand to spend another minute with Toni.
Toni doesn’t blame her. She was feeling kind of sick of human interaction too.
They’d pulled a 12-hour marathon shift, helping confused last-minute gift buyers decide which tech giant they should pay good money to be surveilled by, so that, by next Christmas, their personal data will have birthed a brand new array of flashier and even more unnecessary products to ensure their deeper integration into the hive mind.
If Fatin was here, Toni would’ve grumbled that thought out loud, and Fatin would’ve called her the Grinch.
Toni disagrees.
She’s not the Grinch.
No, ma’am.
Just because Toni doesn’t have a Christmas tree, or a home-baked pie, or a personalized Christmas playlist, or the prospect of presents to be opened in the morrow doesn’t mean she’s in bad spirits or begrudges those who are feeling rather merry.
She’s actually feeling pretty merry and content herself, now that she’s finally resting her aching legs – service jobs are harder on her joints than basketball practice has ever been – and sipping on a piping cup of spiked hot chocolate, with another cup simmering in the saucepan for when she needs a refill. Her tummy is full of leftover pizza. The radiator has finally brought the room temperature up from shivering-in-my-three-layers-of-winterwear to cozy-in-my-sweatshirt-and-joggers. The lights have been dimmed. The Netflix home screen is open on the TV screen, waiting for her to pick her reality TV poison for the night.
All in all, not a bad way to spend Christmas eve, even if Toni is just a little lonely.
Just as she’s reaching for the remote, three loud bangs on the main door startle her, causing some of the hot chocolate to spill on her hand.
“Who the fuck?” Toni mumbles to herself with a frown, setting the mug down to suck the hot chocolate off her thumb.
The TV screen tells her it’s 11:34 PM.
Toni’s not expecting anyone.
She sure as hell isn’t chummy enough with their MAGA hat wearing neighbors for a late-night visit. On Christmas eve, nonetheless. The neighbors had stopped saying hello to her and Fatin three months ago, the day after they’d put up that pride flag in the yard as a fuck you to their Trump Pence 2020 lawn sign.
Who could it be?
Overzealous carolers, insane enough to brave 6 inches of snow and biting cold winds?
No chance.
Toni stays put and waits, hoping whoever it is goes away.
Tough luck.
The banging resumes.
This time, it doesn’t stop.
It’s incessant.
Did Fatin come back early for some reason?
Only Fatin is capable of raising such a ruckus in the middle of the night.
Toni reluctantly gets off her ass and starts dragging her feet toward the door with a scowl on her face.
“Gimme a sec!” she calls out.
The banging doesn’t stop.
Toni groans. “Coming!”
Thud. Thud. THUD.
“I said,” Toni yells, irritated, and swings the door open, “I’m coming, you fucking asshole!”
Only, it isn’t Fatin, or anybody she knows, on the other side.
It’s a stranger.
A beautiful stranger, with long blonde hair and beautiful, desperate eyes. Her cheeks are tinted a rosy pink. One hand holding a denim jacket closed around her torso, the other, raised in a fist, poised to bang on the door again.
Toni should feel annoyed, and yet, all she feels is wonder.
With a tilt of her head, she asks, “Can I help you?”
The stranger opens her mouth, but nothing comes out, except a puff of air that quickly evaporates into a cloud of mist.
That’s when Toni notices how her teeth are chattering uncontrollably. That’s when she notices how violently she’s shivering.
She’s only wearing a flimsy yellow dress and a pair of heeled pumps under the jacket.
Her cheeks aren’t rosy. They’re bright red because she’s catching hypothermia.
Fuck.
Toni has no idea who this young woman is. She looks around Toni's age. So a college student too, probably. She could easily be a serial killer though, or a cold-blooded assassin, or a warm-blooded siren. But Toni is none of those things and she can’t possibly leave her standing outside like this.
“You’re freezing,” she says. “You should come inside.”
Relief floods the stranger’s terrified eyes. The hand raised in a fist relaxes and grips the doorjamb. A sigh escapes her mouth in another misty puff. She tries to take a step forward, into the house, but a gust of wind blows in through the door, making her stumble.
Toni catches her before she can fall, pulls her in, and slams the door shut behind her.
The woman’s clothes are freezing cold.
How long has she been out in the open like this?
She’s in no state to walk by herself, so Toni wraps an arm around her shoulders to guide her to the couch.
As soon as she’s sat her down, Toni makes the lights brighter and crouches down in front of her.
“Hey, what’s your name?” Toni asks.
The woman just stares at her, teeth still chattering, eyes drooping closed.
Her breaths are shallow.
Too shallow.
“Hey, hey!” Toni pats her cheek lightly.
Her eyes open again.
In the light, they’re a vivid green.
“You’ve got to keep your eyes open, okay?” Toni says urgently.
The woman nods.
“You need to get into warmer clothes,” Toni tells her. “I can give you some of mine, but you’ll need to take yours off and get changed. Do you think you can do that?”
The woman nods again.
“I’m going to grab some clothes and come back.” Toni picks up a woven quilt lying at the end of the couch and keeps it next to the woman. “You can take your clothes off and wrap this around yourself till then, okay?”
The woman releases her death grip on her jacket and moves her palm to the quilt.
Toni rushes towards her room, throwing a worried glance over her shoulder when she reaches the door, relieved to see that the woman is trying to take her jacket off.
Digging through her closet, Toni picks out a pair of warm, fuzzy, fleece sweatpants, a warm black full-length t-shirt, and her old maroon and yellow Golden Gophers sweatshirt. She grabs a towel and some woollen socks too.
She rushes back to the living room with the clothes, to find the stranger slumped forward with her eyes closed, only one arm out of her jacket.
“Fuck,” Toni mutters, shaking her by her shoulder.
Her eyelids fly open and Toni doesn’t miss the sheer fear in her eyes as she jerks away from her touch.
Toni holds both her hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to keep you awake.”
The fear in the stranger’s eyes dissolves as soon as she registers who it is, but her hands continue to tremble, from fear or cold, Toni can’t tell.
Toni’s lived in enough foster homes to know what this sort of behavior means.
Who hurt her?
The woman resumes her fruitless efforts to get her jacket off, but she has no strength in her trembling arms. There’s a light tint of blue on her skin now.
This won’t do.
Toni crouches down in front of her again.
“Can I help you change your clothes?” she asks.
The woman nods immediately, looking relieved.
It’s not every day you undress a random stranger, so Toni tries to mask her awkwardness with her stupid sense of humor.
“Usually, I at least want to know a girl’s name before I take her clothes off, but I guess there’s always a first time for everything, huh?” she says playfully.
The woman stiffens, her sudden uneasiness writ large in her wide eyes as she stares at Toni.
Shit.
“I’m so sorry. It was just a joke. Didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable,” Toni says in a rush. “I swear I'm not a creep and I swear I won’t look.”
Green eyes lower to the floor.
Red cheeks turn redder.
Toni curses herself mentally for being such an idiot. She's about to suggest the woman try to do it by herself if she's feeling too uncomfortable now, but the woman finally looks at her and nods.
"Are you sure?" Toni asks, just to be certain.
The woman nods, yes, again.
Toni sighs in relief and reaches out slowly towards the lapel of her jacket. The woman relaxes her arms to make it easier for Toni to take the jacket off.
Without the obstruction of the jacket, Toni spots a necklace hanging around the woman’s neck.
A horizontal cross hanging on a delicate silver chain.
Toni had attributed the woman’s earlier discomfort to her being straight and Toni being a stranger, but maybe this was the real reason?
A habitual seed of mutiny begins to take root in Toni’s chest, but a series of shivers jolt through the woman, and Toni’s conscience is greater than her righteous indignation, so she quashes it down with the justification that there’s no need to jump to conclusions. The woman hasn’t said or done anything explicitly homophobic yet.
Toni wraps the towel around the woman’s body, covering her front and shoulders.
“It’ll help if you stand up for this part.”
She helps the woman stand up and makes her lean against her so that she can reach under the towel to unzip her dress.
With the dress unzipped, all that’s left to do is push the sleeves off her shoulders and let it drop to the floor under the towel.
As gently and non-invasively as she can, Toni presses the towel against the woman’s skin to soak up any of the dampness. She stubbornly stares at the wall the entire time, trying to make the act as impersonal as possible.
Deciding to leave her underwear on, Toni sits the woman down on the couch again and gets to dressing her.
She puts the t-shirt around her neck and urges her to hold one arm out at a time so that Toni can pull it through a sleeve.
Then, she takes her heeled pumps off.
The sweatpants are easier. All she has to do is get the woman’s feet through the legs of the pants before dragging them up to her knees by the waistband. The woman adjusts them around her hips with a little wiggle and drops the towel herself while Toni scrunches up the hoodie to get it around her neck. The process of getting her arms through the sleeves is faster this time, without needing to keep the towel in place.
Finally, Toni pulls the socks onto her feet and wraps the quilt around her.
The woman gives her a small grateful smile through chattering teeth.
She’s still way colder than she’s supposed to be, but at least she doesn’t look like she’s in danger of falling unconscious anymore.
Toni knows what she needs.
Something warm to drink.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” she says and goes to the kitchen.
Thank God for the hot chocolate.
Toni increases the heat under the saucepan to bring it to a boil and pours the hot chocolate into a mug before taking it back to the woman on the couch.
“Here, drink this. It’ll help you warm up from the inside.”
The woman eyes the mug suspiciously.
“Don’t worry, it’s only hot chocolate with like a splash of bourbon in it,” Toni says.
The woman’s eyes flicker from the mug to Toni and back and forth a couple of times, before she holds a hand out for it.
Toni takes hold of her hand to wrap it around the mug and immediately realizes it won’t work. Not only is the woman’s hand shaking too much to hold it steady, her skin is still too cold. Toni’s lived in Minnesota all her life. The dangers of hypothermia are nothing new to her. She knows the rules. The cup would burn her freezing hand, and the shock can be bad enough to cause a heart attack in some cases. The best way to warm a person is inside out. Torso first, extremities later. She knows what she needs to do, but she’s not sure how to suggest it.
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable again,” she says hesitantly, “but do you mind if I help you warm up? I don’t think the quilt is helping enough and I don’t think you can hold this mug yourself.”
The woman furrows her brows in confusion.
Toni clears her throat and clarifies, “I meant, I can help you warm up with my body heat.”
The woman’s gaze drops again.
Her trembling fingers go to tug at the cross resting on the dip of her collarbone.
Toni thinks this might finally lead to the homophobic gesture she’s dreading, but surprising her, the woman gives her a shy nod.
Relieved, Toni sets the mug on the coffee table in front of the couch and slides onto the couch, settling in place behind the woman, with her legs on either side of her.
The woman is sitting rigidly in front of her. As rigidly as she can, for someone who’s shaking like a leaf.
Not wanting to spook her, Toni quietly asks, “Is it okay if I hold you?”
Instead of saying something, the woman leans back slowly against Toni.
Toni wraps her arms around her middle and pulls her closer, so her back is pressed to Toni’s front. Toni can feel the tremors running through her body and hopes this works to restore her body temperature more quickly. She drags the quilt onto the woman’s lap, and keeping one arm wrapped around her, she reaches for the hot chocolate with the other.
She can’t see well from this angle, but she holds the mug close to where she thinks the woman’s mouth is, so she can take a sip.
The woman hesitantly takes a sip and Toni physically feels her sigh.
Toni keeps bringing the mug to her mouth at regular intervals, letting her sip on it, little by little.
With each sip, the woman’s body relaxes a bit more.
By the time she’s finished the hot chocolate, the chattering of her teeth has stopped and Toni stops thinking about whether they’ll need to make a trip to the ER, which, for some reason, she feels the woman wouldn’t have been too happy about.
Returning the mug to the table, Toni wraps her other arm around her too, hands meeting in the middle to clasp over her stomach.
The woman completely sinks into Toni’s body this time.
Her hair is really soft and she smells like cherry blossoms and snow.
It’s odd, Toni thinks, how comfortable it feels. They don’t even know each other’s names. They don’t know anything about each other.
Well, not nothing.
Toni knows the woman loves Jesus and has possibly been through something traumatic.
Beyond that, nothing.
Maybe it’s time to remedy that.
“My name is Toni, by the way. Toni Shalifoe,” she says, hoping the woman feels well enough to introduce herself now.
The woman stays quiet.
The silence makes Toni feel awkward.
“In case you didn’t know that already,” she adds, to fill the silence. “You did come to my house after all, so maybe you already knew who I am?”
The woman shakes her head.
Okay. Some response.
Why did she knock on Toni’s door then?
“Did you come here looking for someone?”
The woman shakes her head again.
“Were you,” Toni says slowly, “running away from someone?”
Toni feels her stiffen, but the room stays still and silent, except for their breathing. Toni’s deep measured breaths and her shuddering, inconsistent ones.
After it’s been too long, Toni decides her questioning can wait for later. The woman needs to rest. She might be more forthcoming once she’s feeling better.
More than likely, she lost her way back from church or something and is just disoriented due to her ordeal in the cold.
Besides, it’s Christmas eve. It’s too late to do anything about anything, even if something needs to be done.
It’s already Christmas, actually.
The TV screen says it’s 12:45 PM.
“Merry Christmas, by the way.” Toni says. “I don’t celebrate it. No offence to Jesus, but it’s just not my vibe. I’m guessing it’s a big deal to you though. I’m sorry you’re stuck here with me when you could be out there, I don’t know, breaking bread with him or whatever it is you do at midnight mass.”
The woman doesn’t say anything, but her stomach clenches momentarily and she huffs out a breath. If she’d made a sound, it might have sounded like a chuckle, but she’s silent as ever. Toni knows slurred speech is a symptom of hypothermia, but this is a new one.
Maybe she’s just too tired? Or weak, because she’s hungry?
“Are you hungry?” Toni asks. “I can go make something for you.” She begins to loosen her hold on the woman, thinking she’ll be fine with the quilt now. Her shivering has almost subsided.
But the woman’s hands immediately grab Toni’s to hold them in place.
The message is clear.
Stay.
Toni obliges.
The woman’s hands aren’t freezing anymore. They just feel a tinge icy. Toni readjusts her hands so they’re resting on top of them.
They sit like that for a long time, even after the woman stops shivering completely.
It’s only once her breaths even out, becoming long and slow, that Toni lays her sleeping form down on the couch and gets up to stretch her stiff muscles.
She tucks the quilt around her. Brings another blanket from her room and tucks that around her too. Leaves a thermos of warm water on the table. Hopes the bathroom won’t be too difficult to find if she needs it. And finally goes to sleep in her own bed, questions about a mysterious green-eyed stranger occupying her mind till she falls into a dreamless sleep.
>><<
When Toni wakes up, it’s brighter than she expected it to be.
Confused about why her alarm didn’t ring, she picks up her phone to check the time.
Her phone’s switched off.
Why did she forget to charge it?
When she remembers what happened last night, she sits up straight in bed and frowns to herself, wondering if it was all just a weed-induced trip.
But she was very sober last night.
The absence of the second blanket from her bed reaffirms that, yes, indeed, she does have a stranger sleeping on the couch outside.
Will she still be there?
She was barely dressed to brave a Minnesotan winter. If she has disappeared already, then, hopefully, she’s at least taken Toni’s clothes with her.
Toni chuckles, thinking it’s equally likely she might have taken a lot more than Toni’s clothes and gone.
That would suck, and definitely hurt Toni’s ego, but still, the idea of never seeing the stranger again and never learning what her name is makes Toni feel inordinately disappointed.
She should probably go check, just in case she’s still there and is hungry or needs to use the bathroom.
Toni steps out of her room quietly.
The second she spots blonde hair peeking out of a slowly rising and falling blanket burrito, she sighs out a breath of relief.
Deciding to let the woman sleep longer, Toni goes through her morning routine before getting started on breakfast.
Breakfasts are the one thing Toni has learnt to do well. If she’s being honest, it’s hard to go wrong with things like toast, eggs and bacon. Pancakes and waffles used to be harder, but once she started treating the process of cooking like a scientific experiment, she got pretty damn good at it.
So she makes French toast, scrambles eggs and fries sausages for two, and starts a pot of coffee.
By the time she returns to the living room, the stranger is up, sitting cross legged on the couch, rocking back and forth, her fingers fiddling with her necklace, looking like her mind is somewhere else.
Feeling an odd combination of curious, concerned, and nervous, Toni says, “Hey.” It comes out sounding rough, so she clears her throat before adding, “Good morning.”
The woman startles and sucks in a harsh breath, going very still.
“Sorry, it’s just me,” Toni says contritely, in a quiet voice. “Didn’t mean to spook you.”
Finally, the stranger turns her head to look at Toni and her eyes widen.
She stares at Toni, head tilting to the side, mouth slightly open, till an odd flush graces her cheeks and she looks away. Her fingers go back to fiddling with her necklace.
Toni gets a strange feeling this is the first time the woman has really looked at her. She wonders how much she remembers from last night. Hopes she’s not embarrassed about it.
Social interaction is not Toni’s forte. She wishes Martha was here. Or Fatin. Hell, even Leah or Dot would’ve fared better. She has no idea how to comfort her or ask her what she needs. And Toni has so many questions.
Who are you?
What happened to you?
Why did you knock on my door?
Do you need more help?
Martha would probably tell her not to start with any of those.
Shuffling on her feet, Toni asks, “Did you sleep well?”
The woman looks at her again. She nods and gives her a smile.
Toni knows she shouldn’t be thinking it, but God, she’s so beautiful, it’s kind of hard to keep looking at her without feeling flustered. It’s a feeling Toni’s not used to, and she’s not sure how to deal with it.
Brushing off her nerves, Toni says, “I’ve made some breakfast. The bathroom’s right this way, in case you want to use it first.” She points over her shoulder towards the bathroom door at the end of the corridor that also has the doors to her and Fatin’s rooms on either side. “There’s a spare toothbrush in the cabinet too.”
The woman gets up and walks towards Toni, presumably to go to the bathroom.
Toni steps to the side to make room for her to pass through. But the woman stops once she’s close enough.
Toni notices she’s a few inches taller than her.
Tentatively, the woman reaches out and squeezes Toni’s arm, giving her another smile.
This close, Toni can see a lot of emotions swirling in her eyes. The only one Toni can decipher is gratitude. She gets the feeling it’s the only one she’s supposed to decipher.
“I’ll just wait in the kitchen,” Toni says awkwardly, and waits for the woman to disappear behind the bathroom door before going back to the kitchen and serving the food onto two plates.
Pouring coffee into two mugs, she sits on a stool at the island and starts sipping on hers while she waits.
The woman reappears a few minutes later – face looking freshly washed and pink, a far cry from last night’s blue-tinted pale – and takes a seat opposite Toni, where a plate is laid out for her.
She looks at Toni and bites her lip, like she’s contemplating what to say.
Toni feels a small flurry of excitement in her stomach at the idea of finally hearing her speak.
But the woman does nothing of the sort.
Instead, she clasps her hands together, closes her eyes and prays.
Toni assumes she’s praying, because she can’t actually hear the words. All she can see is her lips moving rapidly over practiced words.
Amused and mildly frustrated, Toni watches her.
As soon as she finishes her prayer, the woman gives her another smile before tucking into her food, keeping her eyes down.
Confused, Toni follows suit and shovels food into her mouth, while continuing to stare at her. The silence is not awkward. In fact, Toni prefers it to meaningless small talk. But Toni’s curious, and slowly, but certainly, getting a little impatient.
Surely, she’s owed some explanation, right?
After swallowing a big mouthful of toast, she caves and asks, “Do you remember what happened last night?”
The fork freezes halfway to the woman’s mouth. Her eyes dart to Toni’s before returning to her plate. She nods slowly and then continues eating.
Okay.
Toni frowns.
She’ll have to try a different approach.
“What’s your name?”
The fork freezes again.
Toni notices the woman’s grip tighten on the fork before she returns it to the plate. She looks up at Toni, her lips rolled between her teeth, and points a finger to her throat and shakes her head.
Oh.
She can’t speak.
Toni feels like an idiot.
“I’m sorry,” she says.
The woman gives her an awkward smile and starts eating again.
Embarrassed and ashamed, Toni lets her eat the rest of her food quietly.
She thinks about Aiden. A mute boy with a hearing disability, who she’d shared foster parents with long ago. Aiden had been an exception amongst all the shitty foster siblings she’d had to put up with. They’d gotten along really well and she’d even learnt some ASL to communicate with him.
So when the woman finally looks up after wiping her plate clean, Toni signs at her, “We can talk like this.”
The woman furrows her brow in confusion.
Toni wonders if she signed something wrong.
She signs again, “Sorry. It’s been a few years since I’ve signed, but I think I’ll be able to understand you.”
The woman’s frown deepens. She shakes her head.
Looking around, she gestures for something to write with.
Toni jumps up and goes to her room to grab a pen and a notepad.
She sets it down in front of the woman and stands next to her, watching over her shoulder as she writes.
She writes neatly, in cursive. Even her handwriting is pretty, like her.
I don’t know sign language.
Toni frowns.
That’s odd.
Not all mute people learn sign language, but most who are educated do.
She looks at the woman and asks, “You weren’t born mute?”
The woman shakes her head, no.
“Did you lose your voice because of the cold then?”
She shakes her head again and writes.
I lost it six months ago.
Toni wants to ask how.
A medical condition?
An injury?
Something else?
But she bites her tongue and nods.
She goes around the counter and picks up her coffee mug to take a sip.
The woman writes something else on the notepad and turns it around to show it her.
Shelby.
Her name is Shelby.
“Shelby,” Toni says out loud. It’s a pleasant name. Has a sunny ring to it. It suits her.
When she looks up, Shelby is looking at her with a shy smile. She picks up her coffee mug and takes a sip to cover it, but she doesn’t break eye contact.
Toni leans her elbows on the counter. “Are you feeling all right now?”
Shelby nods, yes.
“What were you doing out in the cold last night?”
Shelby bites her lip, shrugs weakly, and writes.
Running away.
Toni remembers the fear in her eyes.
Yeah, whatever she was running away from, she was more afraid of it than the cold.
Toni understands needing to escape, consequences be damned. So she doesn’t question it. She is concerned though. Because the lengths Shelby had gone to were a little extreme.
“You could have died of hypothermia, you know?” she says.
Shelby gives her a sad smile and writes.
I know, but I didn’t have a choice. Thanks for letting me in.
Toni swallows. Either luck or last-minute desperation had brought her to Toni’s doorstep. What would have happened if Toni hadn’t been here to open the door. The thought makes Toni shudder.
Why hadn’t Shelby tried to get help earlier?
Would death really have been preferable to whatever she was running away from?
Too many questions. None of which are suitable for a conversation happening via a physical notepad.
“Do you need to go to the police?” Toni asks.
A look of panic washes over Shelby’s face. She shakes her head vigorously.
Gripping the pen hard, she writes.
NO! I can’t let them find me.
Who is them?
What the fuck were they doing to her?
Toni can understand distrust of the police though, so she doesn’t push her.
Instead, she asks, “Do you have your phone?”
Shelby shakes her head, no.
“You can use my phone if you need to call someone,” Toni says.
Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she unlocks it and slides it towards Shelby across the counter.
Shelby stares at the phone for a long time. Even reaches out to put her fingers on it. But then she looks at Toni with watery eyes and slides it back towards her.
Toni’s heart breaks for her. Not with pity. With empathy. Because boy does she remember what it felt like, to not have a single soul she could trust enough to rely on in her worst moments. It’s not like that anymore, but she remembers.
Something protective flares within her in that moment. She doesn’t know how, but she wants to help Shelby, and she will find a way. For that, she needs to know what Shelby’s going through. But Toni’s not sure she’s going to open up to her yet. They barely know each other.
Toni runs her hands through her hair and stares at the countertop, trying to think of what to do. She stares till the sound of the pen scraping against paper again makes her look up.
Shelby flips the notepad around.
I’m going to get changed and get going.
Thank you so much for taking casaving everything, Toni.
You’re an angel <3
Angel?
Toni almost scoffs.
No one’s ever called Toni an angel before. It feels weird as hell.
The idea of Shelby going to who knows where makes Toni’s mouth turn dry with anxiety though.
Didn’t she just say she has no one to call?
“Where are you going?” Toni asks, feeling panicky.
Toni shouldn’t be feeling like this. She doesn’t even know Shelby. For all she knows, she might be lying. Maybe the truth is embarrassing, or she’s running away because she’s done something horrible.
But there was something about the fear in her eyes yesterday that couldn’t have been faked.
So yeah, that’s why she’s kind of panicking.
Shelby puts her hand over Toni’s and squeezes it.
She smiles, as if to say, don’t worry, and starts getting up to leave.
Toni catches hold of Shelby’s hand as it’s slipping out of hers.
“Where are you going to go?” she asks, again.
Shelby sits back down with a sigh.
She withdraws her hand from Toni’s and writes.
I know a place. I’ll be fine.
Toni would have believed it, if Shelby could get herself to look at Toni’s eyes. But Shelby’s eyes are trained on the countertop, her teeth nibbling on her lower lip.
“Okay,” Toni says slowly, playing Shelby’s game. “Where is this place? I’ll take you there.”
Shelby clenches her jaw and writes.
You don’t have to. I can get there by myself.
“Come on, Shelby. It’s freezing outside. I can’t let you walk. You don’t have your wallet with you, do you?” The way Shelby’s grip tightens around the pen gives Toni her answer. “I have my roommate’s car. Let me take you,” she offers.
The pen in Shelby’s hand starts tapping against the countertop.
Toni watches her wordlessly.
She watches as Shelby’s face cycles through a series of expressions as she mentally works out her options.
Toni can tell each time Shelby reaches a dead end because her teeth bite into her lower lip just a little harder.
Eventually, the tapping stops.
Shelby lays the pen down.
Toni watches as a single tear rolls down Shelby’s right cheek. Shelby wipes it off in a hurry, only for another to replace it.
Softly, Toni says, “You can stay here.”
Shelby looks up at her with teary eyes and an incredulous expression.
Toni can tell she’s asking, why would you let me?
“I’m serious. You can stay here for a bit, till you figure out what you want to do.” Toni raises both her hands up and says casually, “No questions asked.”
Shelby frowns and writes.
I don’t want to bother you more than I already have.
How very polite.
Toni chuckles and says, “Trust me, it’s not a problem. Unless you’re a serial killer or a con artist, I’m cool with it. My roommate won’t be back till New Year’s eve, so I’m alone here for the next few days.”
In fact, Fatin’s only coming back for a while before she packs and leaves for her semester abroad. So Toni’s going to be alone after that, till she graduates. But she doesn’t say that.
She just shrugs and says, “Wouldn’t suck to have some company.”
Shelby chews on her lip some more, looking deeply uncertain.
She writes.
Why are you helping me?
Toni doesn’t know herself, but the closest she can get to the truth is, “Let’s just say, I know how important it is to feel safe where you live.”
Shelby gives her a probing look, which makes Toni feel strangely vulnerable. She hopes her eyes, her face, her everything doesn’t give that away. More than one person has told her she wears her emotions like they’re clothes. She’s never taken that as a compliment.
Shelby must have seen what she was looking for because she nods to herself and writes.
Okay. Thank you.
“Cool,” Toni smiles. She looks at the time and says, “I have to leave for work in an hour. I’ll be back by 6 in the evening. If you need me to get some stuff for you, you can give me a list. I’ll get it on my way back home.”
Shelby looks conflicted again. She wrings her hands before writing.
I don’t have any money.
Toni knows. “Don’t worry about that. You can pay me back later.”
Shelby takes in a deep breath and nods.
“Good. Let me know what you need. But first, let me give you a tour of mi casa.”
>><<
Toni spends most of her shift distracted and restless.
She can’t help but worry that she’ll return home to find Shelby gone.
What’s getting to her is that she’s not supposed to care, but she does.
Even Dot notices something is off and asks her if she’s okay.
Toni brushes it off, saying she’s stressed about a time clash situation at the observatory.
Dot doesn’t ask twice. She just gives Toni a joint after they clock out.
“To take your mind off stuff,” she says.
Toni accepts it gratefully.
She spends most of her trip to the supermarket wondering what kind of person asks for a fake nose ring and remembers to write the exact color IDs of two kinds of hair dye, but forgets to mention their bra size and which shampoo they like to use.
Toni finds the two hair colors; two different shades of pink, light and dark. Spends way too much time trying to figure out which shampoo to buy and whether or not she should buy a conditioner to go with it (in the end, she asks the store assistant hovering at the end of the aisle for help). Dumps tampons, razors, and other essentials into the trolley. Does her best to pick out a bra and underwear size she thinks will fit Shelby. Remembers that Shelby doesn’t actually have any clothes of her own. Toni had given her another set to change into after a shower, but she’s not sure her wardrobe appeals to Shelby. Based on how she was dressed when she first showed up, she seems to have a more feminine style, and she does have a few inches on her, much to Toni’s chagrin. She could borrow some of Fatin’s clothes. Fatin wouldn’t mind. But Fatin’s clothes are an acquired taste. So Toni ends up buying a couple of t-shirts and joggers in lighter, brighter colors, and a pair of jeans she thinks will fit.
After buying some groceries, she checks everything out and drives Fatin’s car back home.
As she’s parking the car, she notices a man wearing a black cassock talking to their neighbor at his doorstep.
Something about the scene – it’s the stack of pamphlets in the minister’s hand – sends alarm bells ringing in Toni’s head.
She waits and watches, as the minister shows a pamphlet to the neighbor and asks him something. Neighbor dude shakes his head and waves his hands around animatedly. They go back and forth for a couple of minutes, the minister doing most of the talking and the neighbor dude shaking his head and nodding occasionally.
Toni’s glad it’s the husband and not the wife talking to the minister, because she has a strong feeling she knows what’s going on. The wife is a snoopy woman who never forgets a thing, but the husband will probably forget the second he closes the door. There’s an NFL match playing on the large screen TV that Toni can see through the windows. She’s sure he’ll forget before he has a chance to tell his wife.
Toni times her exit from the car to coincide with the minister’s walk back towards the road.
She doesn’t know if he’s already knocked on her door, but she doesn’t want to risk it. She’d much rather get this over with on the road. And she very much does want to see what’s on that pamphlet, so she makes sure to make eye contact with the man when he begins to approach her.
“Excuse me, do you have a moment?” he asks.
He has dull ginger hair, watery blue eyes, hiding behind spectacles, and a benign physical demeanor. But Toni’s life has taught her to spot things other people don’t see. She doesn’t miss the calculating gleam in his eyes as he sizes her up, unfazed by her unsmiling face. Or the way his beady eyes jump from her to the car to the house. Or the millisecond of barely concealed revulsion in his eyes when they land on the pride flag. Or the way he immediately schools his expression to give her a bland, neutral smile, even though the pulsing vein in his throat and the way his fingers adjust his clerical collar tell her a different story.
Toni doesn’t trust him.
“Yeah?” she says.
“I’m Pastor Faber,” he offers his hand to Toni with a broader, disingenuous smile on his face.
Toni’s met many people like this. The hate the sin not the sinner types, who act like they don’t think of you as lesser than them, just to lure you in. The kind who kill you with the cruelty of their kindness. She’s in half a mind to slap his hand away, but she controls herself. She has an agenda here too, she reminds herself. She shakes his hand as lightly as she can, but doesn’t bother introducing herself because she doesn’t want him to know her name.
“I’m looking for someone,” he says. “Would you take a look at this and let me know if you’ve seen her somewhere?”
“Sure,” Toni shrugs as nonchalantly as she can, while on the inside her heart is beating harder against her ribcage.
He holds out a pamphlet for her to see.
Toni sees Shelby’s face staring back at her, from under the word MISSING
Shelby’s wearing blue, red and gold choir robes. Her blonde hair is pin straight. Even with a pound of make up on her face, her smile is radiant, her green eyes glowing. To any normal person, she would look picture perfectly happy, but Toni sees it. The pain. So well hidden, it would fool almost anyone. But not Toni. She sees how the skin around her eyes is a little too smooth for the smile to be genuine. Sees the faraway look of hopelessness in them.
It makes her heart twinge, but she does a good job of keeping her eyes down.
She frowns, like she’s perusing the information printed below the picture with the utmost concentration. She doesn’t have to pretend because she is.
Her eyes pick out the information that is new to her.
Shelby’s last name is Goodkind. She’s 21 years old. She was last seen at the Light of Redemption Baptist Church last night.
Toni vaguely remembers passing by a church with that name a few times before.
Damn. If that’s the one, Shelby must’ve walked around half an hour in the cold, in just a dress and a denim jacket, before reaching Toni’s house.
Printed at the bottom, in bold, is a phone number, followed by the plea: Please call Pastor Faber with any information. May the Lord bless and keep you safe.
It’s followed by a Bible quote in small print, that Toni finds very odd. Because rather than sounding concerned or uplifting, it sounds like some kind of manipulative condemnation of the missing person.
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
Toni bites back a scoff and forces herself to look at Pastor Faber with an apologetic, downturned mouth.
“Sorry, haven’t seen her. I’m just coming back from my parents’ place. Went home for Christmas,” she lies easily. “I hope she’s all right wherever she is. The streets aren’t the safest for young women.”
Faber gives her a patronizing smile. “I have complete faith the Lord will protect our dear girl and guide her back to us.” He gives her the flyer. “Would you be so kind to keep an eye out for her?”
“Sure.” Toni accepts it. “Have you gone to the police yet?”
“Yes, they are looking around too. But you know how long they take.”
Toni knows it’s a lie from the pinch in his smile.
Interesting.
“Any idea why she went missing?” Toni asks. “Might help in figuring out where she went.”
Faber purses his lips dolefully. “Unfortunately, she is not of sound mind.” Bullshit. “We’ve been trying to help her, but we slipped in our duties yesterday. That is why it’s of utmost importance that we find her as soon as possible.”
Toni nods and holds the flyer up. “I’ll keep an eye out.”
“Thank you. And you are more than welcome to visit our church any time.”
Toni bites back another scoff. “Nah, I’m good. Don’t really do religion. But I hope you find her.”
Faber nods at her and says, “Have a blessed holiday,” before walking away.
As she’s unloading the car, Toni watches him stick a flyer on a tree before knocking on the door of the house next to their neighbor’s.
That means he must’ve knocked on hers before.
Toni takes all the bags to the door in one trip and fumbles with her key to unlock it.
She steps inside and closes it before calling out, “Shelby?”
The living room is empty and there’s no movement in the house.
Toni drops all the packages on the couch before checking the kitchen, which is empty as well.
Her heart sinks.
Did Shelby leave while she wasn’t here?
Ignoring the pit in her stomach, she knocks on the bathroom door and calls out again, more frantically, “Shelby?”
No response.
She opens the door and peeps inside.
Nope.
She’s not there.
Sighing deeply, Toni takes the hair tie off her ponytail to run her hands through her hair in frustration and goes into her own room.
That’s where she finds her.
Tucked between Toni’s study table and the closet, sitting in a tornado drill position, making herself as small as possible, with her head between her knees and her hands holding the back of her head.
Toni rushes to her and kneels down in front of her.
“Shelby,” she says softly, hand hovering over her shoulder. She doesn’t want to scare her more than she already is.
Shelby shakes her head without raising it.
“Shelby, it’s me, Toni.”
Shelby breathes in a shuddering breath, but doesn’t look up.
Toni sighs and looks around, wondering what she can say or do to make her feel safer.
She thinks of Faber.
Maybe Shelby saw him through the window and that freaked her out?
“He’s gone, Shelby,” she says. “He’s gone.”
At that, Shelby slowly lifts her head.
Her eyes are red rimmed, tear tracks still fresh on her face.
“He’s gone,” Toni repeats. “I told him I wasn’t here last night. I don’t think he’ll bother us again. And I don’t think he’s going to the police with this.”
Shelby’s shoulders slump in relief.
“Did you see him?” Toni asks.
Shelby shakes her head. She uses her fist to knock on the closet door.
Four quick, sharp knocks, and three slower ones.
She recognized the pattern.
Damn.
That man must really terrify her for her to react like this to his knock.
What the fuck did he do to her?
Toni feels anger build up in her chest. Her hand curls into a fist involuntarily. She pictures herself running down the block to catch up with him, to punch his fake smile off his face.
Shelby waves her hand in front of Toni’s eyes to get her attention.
Toni looks up and mumbles, “Sorry.”
Shelby looks at her questioningly.
Toni takes a deep breath and shakes her head as she unfurls her fist.
Shelby brings her fingers to her throat and mimes the action of pulling a collar, and then moves her hand in an arc under her throat and shakes her hand as if to ask, what?
Toni assumes she’s asking her what Faber said to her.
“Uh,” Toni stalls, trying to decide what would and would not cause distress. “He asked me if I’d seen you. I said no. Then I said I hope you’re okay wherever you are, and he said he has faith that God will protect you. And then he asked me to come to his church and I told him to fuck the hell off to outer space.”
Shelby’s eyes widen comically, making Toni chuckle.
“Chill. I was kidding about the last part.”
Shelby shakes her head and sighs.
“Don’t worry,” Toni smirks. “I won’t let him come near you. I know I look small, but I’ve broken noses of men bigger than him before.”
The smirk falls off her face soon after she says it though.
She doesn’t want to scare Shelby or something.
It’s not like she’s violent with decent people who treat her with respect. It’s only entitled jerks who try to make her life hell who bring the aggression out in her. Or used to bring it out in her. It’s not that she doesn’t get angry anymore. She just has a lot of things to look forward to now, that she didn’t have before, and the consequences of her aggression aren’t worth losing those things over.
Luckily, Shelby just rolls her eyes like she doesn’t believe Toni.
Toni leaves it at that.
“Do you think anyone else on the street saw you last night?”
Shelby thinks for a moment and then shakes her head.
“Okay. Then I think we’re fine.” Toni stands up and offers her hand to Shelby. “Come and tell me if the stuff I got for you is okay and we can order some dinner after that.”
Shelby smiles and accepts her hand.
Toni shows her the clothes and shuffles on her feet as Shelby studies them.
Shelby looks at the black boy shorts, purple hipsters, pink bikini cut panties, and yellow thong and raises her eyebrows at Toni.
Toni blushes and says, “I didn’t know what type you wear, so I bought one of each.”
Shelby bites back a smile and looks at the t-shirts, joggers and jeans next.
“It’s just basic stuff,” Toni says. “You can borrow more of mine if you need, and you can use my sweaters and coats. I have plenty. You’ll need a pair of boots though. I didn’t know your shoe size. I can buy them next time.”
Shelby nods and goes into the kitchen to bring the notepad out.
Thank you sooo much!
I’m so sorry for disrupting your life like this.
All this must’ve cost you a lot.
I will pay you back for everything as soon as I can.
Toni waves her off. “Yeah, take your time. It’s no big deal. I’m getting a bonus for Christmas.”
It kind of is a big deal.
Including the yet-to-be-purchased boots, Toni will have spent a good chunk of the bonus she’s going to get on all this. Which means she’ll have to pick up shifts for another month, to be able to buy the car. Just when she’d planned to stop, so that she could focus on her thesis. She doesn’t know why she’s doing all this for someone she doesn’t even know, but Toni has always followed her gut, and this is what her gut is telling her to do.
Shelby gives her a look Toni can’t decipher and then surprises her by pulling her into a tight hug.
Toni’s not much of a hugger, but she relaxes into this one after a moment, hugging Shelby back.
Shelby holds on for a long time, like she’s trying to communicate through touch what she can’t through words.
Toni doesn’t mind because it feels familiar in a way that hugging a practical stranger shouldn’t. Maybe it’s the fact that she’d spent hours holding Shelby last night. Whatever the reason, she doesn’t fight it. It feels nice.
>><<
Later that night, once Shelby’s asleep on the couch again, Toni steps out as quietly as she can and drives around a one-mile radius in Fatin’s car, removing every single one of Pastor Faber’s flyers she can find.