Chapter 3
"God, Loki, I'm so sorry. I...I had no idea. I'll move your room," Tony said gently, uncharacteristically solemn. He hadn't meant to hurt Loki. He wasn't a sadist; he just didn't feel that way about him. He felt awful.
Loki shook his head, tears slowly sliding down his cheeks. "It's OK. I don't want to cause trouble," Tony chuckled at the irony of the statement. "I don't want to cause trouble over room location," Loki clarified, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth in spite of himself.
Tony shook his head emphatically. "Please let me do this for you. It's the least I can do. I want you to feel better, Lo," he said affectionately.
"'Lo.' I like that," the god said quietly, suddenly shy and insecure. He felt so exposed and vulnerable, yet safe. It was a different, not entirely unpleasant, feeling.
Tony smiled kindly. "Good. You mind if I sit with you? I wanna watch CNN. I'll put closed captions on so I don't disturb you,"
"You don't need to babysit me, Stark. I won't fall apart,"
"I know. But I want to spend some time with you, even if it is while you sleep. It did wonders for Cap and Phil's relationship. I want to," he repeated. And he meant it.
***
Tony and Pepper were at dinner that night when he decided to tell her about the morning's events. "So Loki's in love with me," he announced abruptly.
She laughed loudly. "What?!"
Tony nodded once. "Loki's in love with me. He told me this morning,"
Pepper gazed at him quizzically, sipping her wine. "And how does that make you feel?"
"Shitty. I know it's hard for him, I remember being in his situation, being around the person you love without them feeling the same way. It hurts. It really hurts. But...I've got you now, so it was worth it," he reached for her hand.
"Tony," she began, slowly pulling her hand out of his reach. "I love you," she sighed. "But I can't play second fiddle to your work anymore. I want more. My biological clock's ticking. I want a baby,"
"Pepper," he said wearily. "We've been through this. You said you were good with it,"
"Maybe I've changed my mind," she said quietly.
Tony looked up and met her gaze. "Have you?" She nodded slowly, almost imperceptibly. "What're you saying?" he whispered, swallowing hard.
"I'm saying goodbye, Tony,"
***
Loki awoke in the middle of the night famished. He padded into the kitchen and flipped on the light, startled to find Tony at the table with a half-empty bottle of Scotch. The god gazed at him curiously and noticed the playboy was crying quietly. "Are you alright, Stark?"
"No," Tony said glumly, taking a long pull on the bottle. "Pepper moved out,"
"Why?" he asked, chest tightening.
Tony laughed bitterly. "I told her about what you said to me this morning. She said she'd been examining her feelings and priorities more and more. She wants a family. I won't give that to her,"
Loki sighed. "So you'd rather be miserable than compromise?"
"How is having a baby compromising? I don't want children!" Tony said emphatically.
Loki raised an eyebrow. "You're scared," he observed wisely.
"Yea, well, you would be too if you'd been raised the way I was. My dad never told me he loved me, never even told me he liked me..." he whispered, throat tightening. He took another swig, trying to dull the pain.
Loki's eyes filled with tears. "I know how you feel," he nodded sympathetically.
"You do, don't you?" Tony asked, trying to focus on Loki, though his vision was hazy in his drunken state. He reached a hand out, taking Loki's in his own and resting it against his cheek.
Loki stroked tenderly and Tony leaned into the touch. "Anthony," he whispered, recognizing how close to danger they both were.
"Kiss me, Lo," Tony slurred.
Loki gritted his teeth. He wouldn't take advantage of the man he loved. He didn't want their first kiss to be like this. He shook his head. "You need to sleep,"
Tony looked stricken. "Yea. Figured. You don't want me now, either," he said flatly, draining the bottle. "I'm so tired,"
Loki swallowed hard, tears blurring his vision. "I know. Come on, let's get you to bed," he said gently, scooping the mortal up and carrying him bridal style to the bedroom, tucking him in.
"Lo?" asked Tony in a small voice as he switched off the light.
"Yea?"
"Please don't leave me alone tonight,"
Loki wordlessly crossed the room and laid next to Tony, spooning him, and held him close to his chest, waiting for the even breathing that signaled sleep. Both men were grateful for the darkness that night, not wanting the light to betray their tears to the other.