Chapter 14
To lose someone you love
is to alter your life forever,
The pain stops. there are new people.
but the gap never closes.
This hole in your heart
is the shape of the one you lost -no one else can fill it.
All those years ago, that's what Helen thought when she lost Mo' ... and then there was Max.
Silence has a way of conveying a lot of information. At least, that's what Max thinks. Their flight home was silent, to say the least, and Helen had spent the entire flight trying to gently unbuckle Luna's tiny hands around her neck. The little girl refused to let go of Helen's body, and Helen, who was extremely hot, eventually stopped trying to escape from Luna and tried to find a comfortable position.
The days that followed their return weren't much richer in conversation either. It comes as no surprise when Helen answers him in monosyllables, barely looking up from her screen. Max has been working night and day to get this place fixed up. New Amsterdam ! He can't help but wonder if their return has stirred up any bad blood between them. If seeing their old friends had left Helen worried.
He doesn't know what she's thinking; Helen has never been a talkative person or one to speak her mind. He was well aware of what had led to their breakup... but yet, they had made so much effort... they had become so close... he was even surprised at how easily Helen confided in him about what was going on in her professional life and even about her feelings. something she had never done.
It took Helen four days to return to her normal state. Exhaustion, jet lag and to tell the truth, she hadn't really recovered from her stomach ache and continued to blame the Nasi Goreng she'd eaten several days earlier.
"Have you noticed how Lu is easily tired lately?" Max asked while carrying Luna into her room. Upon entering, Helen immediately pulled the bed’s blanket open, and Max laid Luna down.
"I mean, who wouldn't be tired of spending all day in the pool?"
Helen stepped back, walking to the closet and pulled out pjs for her daughter. While Max removed Luna’s shoes and skirt, the young girl rolled to her other side. Helen helped Max in changing Luna’s top, after they both kissed their daughter goodnight. It's so surprising how well they fit together, their gestures complement one another without having to talk to each other.
After Luna has gone to bed, it's quite normal for Helen to leave them together for a while to talk or read a book. Their mother-daughter moment, they made it their own shortly after Helen moved in with them. On Saturdays, it's the custom for the girls to cook breakfast together. The little blonde, perched on the footstool, loves stirring the crepe dough. She even told Max she was making crepes Suzette as she'd learned to do in Paris on her trip with Grandma Gwen. Max woke up every Saturday with a delicious mixture of crepe suzette, coffee and hot chocolate.
"Sure you don't want a glass of wine?" Max asks, sticking his head in the doorway. He had watched her sleep and found her face very soothed.
"No thanks, I'm fine." She says, before dropping her gaze back to her screen! Max looks at her for a few more seconds before closing the door behind him, wondering whether or not to initiate conversation or let her come to him. She'd fallen asleep long before he had. By the time he read a book to Luna, he often found Helen curled up around his pillow.
A few days in New York and everything falls apart as if they were a year in the past.Max wants to tell her to forget his proposal, he wants to tell her that he's ready not to marry her if she doesn't want to. That they can stay like that all their lives if that's what she wants... He wants to scream at her that he'll never be able to survive these last few months without her, that he doesn't know how he survived...that if she leaves, even luna won't be able to put the smile back on his face. Because he knows what it's like to live without her, he can't do it again...
Max, what are you talking about? focus! you're fine, she's fine... you're fine!
Sitting alone on the couch, his infectious emergency procedure guide open on the same page for over an hour, Max reads the same lines over and over again, until the writing becomes tiny and blurs his vision.
Max refuses to let his thoughts confuse him! Refuses to allow his imagination and fears to control him! He and Helen are fine... she didn't respond to his proposal, but still, the signing went well! The signing... The signing... What if?
Few days ago.. New York
"Dr Sharpe, I need your signature on this consent form," said the lawyer as he presented the document to Helen. Helen gripped the pen, her knuckles turning white as she stared at the consent form. As she looked down at the consent form in front of her, her complexion was dull, and her eyes betrayed a subtle sense of panic.
"Please, can you give me some space to collect my thoughts? I need to read through it carefully," she said to the lawyer, her voice trembling with emotion. After a few seconds of silence, the lawyer nodded and left the room.
The lawyer's departure left the room Frozen in an eerie silence, replacing the normal hustle and bustle of daily life. This morning, she found herself confronted with questions of life and death, relationships and meaning, sacrifice and values, community and self-isolation.
Helen loves Luna more than anything, she loves Max like she's never loved before. The questions she asks herself are not about her love for these wonderful human beings, but about her ability to be a good mother to this little girl.
At their usual Sunday pizza night, Helen asked Luna what she wanted for her birthday, the little girl stared her mum in the eye and said, «I want you to be my mummy. "
Helen replied: "but I'm your mommy, Munch "...Then, out of nowhere, Luna, almost 5, replied: "I want to be legally yours. In this way, if anything happens, no one will be able to take me away from you."
Helen didn't reply and pretended to go to the bathroom, where she sat on the toilet bowl and cried for ten long minutes until Max came to find her and comforted her. They didn't talk about it again for weeks, but as they got closer to going to New York, Max brought it up again when she was least expecting it.
She was sitting cross-legged on the bed, with her laptop between her thighs and a pen between her teeth. Max said, leaning against the dresser opposite her.
"Would you like to become Luna's official parent? Make it official?"
It took Helen about ten seconds to lift her head. When she did, the sincerity in his eyes greatly stirred her emotions.. She could see vulnerable and fear, but also love. She didn't say anything, closed her laptop slowly, and moved off the bed to join him.. She reached up and put her hands around Max's neck. He immediately encircled her hips. She slowly and delicately placed her lips on his, pushing her tongue into his mouth, in a passionate kiss full of promise.. That night, Helen expressed her love to Max, promising him her faithfulness and love.
Helen immediately placed the consent form on the table and look at Max.
"If you need more time -"
Helen shakes her head," I don't need it, I've been dreaming of it for so long. Please come and sit next to me."
Max stands up from his seat and places himself in the chair to her right, taking her left hand in his, holds it firmly and brings it to his mouth.
"Just you and me, remember?"
"Just me and you" she repeats before signing the paper.
Present day
Max brushes against the corridor walls and the distance between him and her seems like an eternity.
”How are you today?”
”Um… i don’t know! ”
Max looks at her blankly, leaving her the choice of continuing or not. After a few minutes' silence, she bites her lower lip and decides to start talking...
”You could say that the last few days have been intense.”
”That doesn’t sound that positive.”
”No… i don’t know! well. It’s … Everything fits on so many levels…”
”And?” Max demanded sitting next to her, taking her hands in his. Helen did not reply. Instead she wrapped her hands around his neck.
”Max I have something to tell you.” Her face turned red. ”I practiced saying it for the entire day yesterday, but seriously, it was a lot easier saying it.”
Max frowned. ”You practiced?”
She nodded, ”I don’t know but I find it hard to say it.” Her mouth parted, struggling to let the words roll out of her tongue and while her mouth remained open, Max waited and waited…. And waited. All his attentions on her.
She continued ”I might have mentioned it but i’ve experienced a lot of anxiety lately.”
”lately?”
Helen shakes her head.
”I mean… when we broke up! It started just a few weeks after…I remember sitting on the bathroom floor in like a fetal position, calling Benett, saying I’m gonna stop breathing”
”Helen.”
”I didn’t want to die, but i couldn’t take living anymore. ”
”Helen”
(…) im glad, im ok now but i know exactly how to deal with it now.” Max listened but didn’t say anything. Anxiety is something he was familiar with when she left him.
”And i want you to know that if you get a panic attack, we can provide a safe place for you.” He said,
"Are you sad?" He asks, seeing Helen's moist eyes.
"No." She says, fixing her hand in his. "I want to thank you Max." Helen shut her eyes and caressed his face, resting her forehead on his lips.
"Why? Im the one who should be thanking you…"
"You remain calm and you know now how to listen even when I'm quiet."
Funny thing about falling in love, you just never know when you touch the ground
"Here we are! It’s us…I was glancing at you last night and I just thought… yeah this is us! Remember what I told you the over night?
"Yes"
"That I’m jealous of what we found"
"Max.." she said blushing
"It’s what people search a lifetime for"
"Max…" she repeats. Tears fill her eyes.
"People want someone to hold hands with. And Im jealous of myself for having you! you & me. Joy of my heart " Helen strokes his beard
"I miss you so much that I realize I did not like being far from you." she said hiding her blushing face from his direct view. "I want to hold you longer, kiss you longer, I want to feel more of you. She pauses "and I was like, I need to put a ring on this man". She laughs!
Turning to Helen, Max looks at her with his eyes wide open. Helen shakes her head! She cautiously says ; "Yes my love. I want & I will marry you." Max Smiled from ear to ear.
He asked, "Really?"
Helen smiled. "Someone told me I should mark you." She reported, burning. "I think it’s a good idea"
"Mark me? Like bite me?"
She laughed. "Yes, well, not literally"
Max lowered his head and pecked her lips . "I don’t mind if you bite me. He leaned closer. I love you and miss you so much."
Raising a brow at him, she kisses his neck and felt electricity running through her body. Helen moaned from Max’s touch
Then she smirked and climbed on top of him. She suggested, "Speaking of which, I was so stressed the past few days, i could use a stress reliever." She bit her lip and suddenly felt excited. Tingles ran through her core. Because he wasn’t satisfied, feeling Helen’s soft skin, he urged her to take a shower with him. He took Helen’s hand and pulled her closer
"Sometimes, I can’t help but want you all to myself. The only person I want to share you with is Luna."
Helen chuckled, "Well, too bad because I want a baby"
Max stilled. His mouth fell to the floor before he asked "You want to make a baby now? Let’s go"
"No. No. Not now!" Helen laughed "I mean in the future"
"Define future. Future can mean the next day, week, month." Max smirked "It could also mean the next minute"
She laughed again. Her face burned. "Having a baby, you know, is a distant future, but the process of making a baby, we could do that now"
"Hmm," Max said. " I like the sound of that." Pressing his lips against her ear and claimed "I want you the whole night." Cupping her chin and sealed her lips with a kiss.
The next day, Max decided to take his family out for a break. He figured out Helen could use the time out, his fiancé getting extremely upset lately. When they arrived, Helen was surprised to learn that Benett and Lucas were also present. Seyeed skipped the gathering because he caught whatever his girlfriend had and was down with the flu.
"Mummy, what's wrong? Why do you look sad?" Luna asked from her seat.
Helen shook her head. It was as if, she used every muscle to force a smile.
She cleared her throat and lied, "I - I'm tired. That's all. It's nothing, Munch. Can Mummy get a hug? I miss my munch baby already."
"I'm not a baby, Mummy!" Luna complained, but she still embraced her mother, saying, "I miss you too,"
"Mummy! Daddy and I had lots of fun today. I wish you were with us to play."
"I know sweetheart, I'm sorry, I had an important meeting that I couldn't miss." She whispers, looking for Max who is nowhere to be found. They went swimming for the first half of the day and had picnic at noon. Their picnic lunch gathering became cheerful as they enjoyed the delicious Food. Tired after travelling and swimming in the morning, Helen woke up past five in the afternoon and went straight for an early dinner with their friends.
After dinner, Max proposed to go check the show.
"A show?" Luna asked
"Yes, they are going to light up the skies." Max said holding luna hand
"I wanna see! I wanna see" Luna said excitedly. Luna was highly amazed as everyone found their places. Soon, with everyone watching, the show began.
"Wow it’s so cool mummy," Luna commented, eyes sparkling at the lights. In the sky, the lights started forming boxes in different colors. Max stared down at Helen, her mouth parted in surprise.From the other side, their friends took videos.
"It’s cute mummy. It’s cute "Luna claimed. Smiling from ear to ear. At this point, Helen also took a video, absolutely impressed.The lights made a ring next, which appeared to sparkle in the night. Helen then noticed, her mouth fell open and her heart skipped a beat. The lights formed words, saying; My dearest Helen, will you marry me?
Reading the words, Helen dropped her phone, goosebumps formed. From afar, their friends were clapping their hands.
"Mummy, you’ll marry daddy?" Luna asked. She looked behind her and saw Max, down on one knee.
"Helen, I love you more than anything in this world. Will you marry me?" Her mouth was still open. She already said yes but never expected the proposal and it was such a lovely one. She glanced at her best friends, and they nod. She peered down at her daughter, she was the happiest around her. Returning her attention to Max, she saw a giant sapphire.
"I already said yes "
"Please in front of our friends" he murmured
"Max." Helen said, a smile formed on her face
"Yes I will marry you, Max Goodwin"
"What?" Helen repeated, "I will marry you Max!"
He pointed to their friends and said, "She said yes!"
"We heard the first time Max!" Benett said. He held her hand and he placed the ring on her finger.Over the past weeks, things changed. Max gulped as he watched her look at him. Her eyes landed on the ring and he could see her eyes starting to water. He pulled her hand closer to him and kissed her knuckles, especially where she wore the engagement ring. After which, he kissed her and Helen reached for Luna and included her in their hug.
"Are you happy dada?" The little girl asked. He nodded. Memories of how he waited for this moment came rushing back. He recalled the pain, the tears, the regret, the months of feeling alone. He recounted the days he saw Helen again. Max never thought he would find happiness again. Out of nowhere, Helen frowned. Someone appeared carrying foods and pass by them. She caught a glimpse of the chutneys and the fish.
"Helen what’s wrong," Max asked. His brows met. She tried to hold it in, covering her mouth and walked back, making hand gesturers, trying to tell something but to her dismay, the contents of her stomach came pouring out. Sadly for Max, she puked all over his clothes.
"Is mummy okay uncle Lucas?" Luna asked
"She’s okay Im sure of it" Max came out of the room after he had showered . "Has Helen come out? She must have eaten something bad" He knocked on the main bedroom and asked "Hels are you okay?"
"I don’t think it’s the food" Benett calmly crossed her leg while sitting on the sofa. Max was worried as hell, he kept walking back and forth. Finally, Helen walked out, she changed into a new set of clothes, bathed. Her face was red.
"Helen, thank God. What happened?" Max said, approaching. He cupped her cheek and asked. "Are you feeling better?"
She nodded and smiled weakly. "Im fine Max."