Chapter 6
Lonely nights never end. Whenever he’s alone without her.
The last month has been filled with: what if I had tried harder to get her to stay? He's not sure that Luna's giggles and work will save him this time! Not after having her back in his arms, not after soaking up her scent, not after touching her skin. He misses her like crazy. He found love where it wasn't supposed to be but he missed her more than he thought he would and she has given him something that he can't live without…Loves
Max Lay down a list of what was wrong, the things he told her all along. Where did they go wrong? It feels like they're oceans apart but only two hours. He saw it on her face, she loves him and he wanted to promise he won't let her down this time! But how? Max stop sending texts to her about what he wants, because it was always about him, about what HE wanted and as long as he doesn't realize this, they won't get anywhere. He won’t get anywhere with her.
***
You deserve to be loved and to love again.
You are too terrified because the last time you gave your heart to someone, it shattered. I understand that, I was there! But somewhere along the road, you gave up the idea that you deserve to feel that way again.
As darkness overtakes her, she collapses against the window, thinking about Benett's words and wondering if she's ready to hear what Max might have to say.
****
Five weeks. He spent five weeks in a coma. And yet, he would have preferred never to wake up, because since he opened his eyes the day after their fight, he feels like he has lost absolutely everything for the second time. Like a robot or a rag doll, he runs and works mechanically, his thoughts busy and the address given by Helen deeply buried in him.
Arriving at the address Helen gave him, Max is surprised to see an apartment building, and is greeted by a man... A doorman or something and of course security camera. A lot of security camera and he wonders why Helen wanted to meet him there. He didn't have time to go to the reception desk, when a ginger lady in her fifties with a thick German accent greeted him with a big smile and asked him if he needed help. After a brief phone call, which he assumes is to Helen, Olga, the name he reads on her tag directs him to the elevator, not forgetting to mention him to press the PH1.
In the metal box, which is taking him to a new life or just another disaster, Max leans against the glass wall and can't help but look at his own reflection. He starts to panic when he realizes that since their text chat, Helen has been pretty cold. She hasn't looked at any of his stories, commented on any of his posts... and he doesn't know what to say to her, however he hopes not screwing things up.
Before his fist has time to knock, the door opens on Helen. His Helen. They stand there for a few seconds looking at each other without speaking, without moving, without blinking, until she gestures for him to come in. Once inside, she gently closes the door and stays like that, facing the closed door without moving. It takes a good minute for her to pull herself together and turn back to him.
- Hi. He says
- How are you?
She heads towards the bar and he follows her, like a butterfly towards the light. He moves behind her, scrutinizing her every step, her clothes... she's wearing matching yoga pants with top and her top shows some of her golden skin and Max can't help but mentally touch that spot. She is sexy and elegant, even in yoga pants.
Helen takes out two glasses and offers him between tequila, whiskey and beer. He chooses the beer and immediately regrets it, knowing that it will take something stronger to give him the courage to talk to her openly.
- When did your flight land?
- This afternoon.
- Okay.
- What are you doing here? Max asks as he looked around, detailing the high ceilings and the luxurious fabric.
- What do you mean?
- How long have you been here? He asked, running his hand through his hair.
- I live here. she said, before moving to an intercom he didn't hear ring.
Good evening, yes, send him up. Helen says, before reaching into her purse and pulling out her wallet. She opened her front door, paid the guy and thanked him.
- What do we have here? She says as she pulls out the luxuriously wrapped boxes. Fried rice, mango salad, fried chicken dumplings, Pad See Ew...I didn't know what you wanted so I got a little of each, she said in a low voice. Hope you didn't eat and you're hungry. When Helen moves, Max reacts and vice versa.
- No..I haven't. I eat nothing, I just had a coffee on the plane and good choice says Max as he walks to the table. Mango salad? My favorite!
- I know, she says quietly, not looking at him. Then they sit at the end of the table, leaving miles between them. They eat in a silence a bit too cozy, with a nice music in background.
- It's really good... Max tries. But she doesn't answer and nods in agreement with him.
- How long are you here for? Is it an Airbnb or a hotel? It's really fancy and beautiful, he says, looking at the ceiling.
- I live here.
- I guess you'll have to leave soon? The protocols have been accepted.
- I live here. she said for the second time but Max didn't seem to understand.
- What do you mean you live here?
- I mean I live here. I moved here a short time ago. Max looks at her shocked at what she is saying.
- What? Why? How?
- Not for you if that's what you think or the question you really want to ask. He puts his head down and scratches his beard knowing that things might not go his way.
- I know it's not for me that you're here Helen, I just wanted to know why you decided to leave everything in London and move here? What about the clinic? Your mother? Mina?
- Nothing has changed. But Max knows very well that's not true. More deeply, nothing has changed?on the contrary, everything has worsened.
- Can't you tell me that by living here you are fully available for your mother and the clinic? Why this choice?
- Let it be with my mother. She certainly doesn't need you to speak for her. Max shakes his head with unbelief at what he just heard.
- I thought the whole point of you leaving New York was about your mother? You gave up everything in New York to be closer to her and now you're leaving London for -
- Things change, she said, cutting him off before standing up and taking his plate before heading to the kitchen.
- You want to tell me about it?
- No
- Burden me.
- Burden? Helen scoffs it's been a long time since that word meant anything.
- Okay. Says Max sheepishly looking down at his feet.. Just talk to me because it doesn't make any sense.
- And you? you want to tell me why you're here? She cuts him off looking him straight in the eye, and here's the solid foundation wall of modern biology, built brick by careful brick.. And he knows he has to be careful, he knows he has to make sure he doesn't ruin everything.
- Thanks for the food
- That's not why you're here, she says, rolling her eyes.
- What do you mean?
- You didn't come here for a free dinner, Max. Did you? Not to question my choices or lecture me about my relationship with my mother. You've lost that right, so tell me why you're here and let's get it over with. I have a lot of work to do and I have to be at the institute early tomorrow morning.
- Look Helen, I don't want to bother you, if this isn't a good time, I can leave. He said as he stood up. She looked at him blankly and Max began to walk towards the door, knowing that if she wasn't receptive, anything he said would be useless.
- Stop. she says before he reaches the door. Don't go, I'm sorry, it's been a long day and... I was the one who asked you to come. I apologize. Will you come back and sit down? Please… Max turns around and sighs knowing that it is impossible for him to go away especially when she looks at him with those eyes that he is so desperately, so madly in love with.
- Another beer?
- Umm. No something a bit stronger if possible? Helen nods and two minutes later is back with a glass of whiskey. When their hands brush against each other, all the confidence he had a few hours earlier collapses, his pulse rises significantly and he starts to sweat..
Sitting next to her on her couch, which is probably worth a fortune, Max is just afraid she will reject him. She seems to feel his discomfort and puts an innocent hand on his thigh.
- You wanted to talk? I'm listening, she says, her face completely softened. Max moves to his seat, not being able to remain quiet and motionless. A shot of whiskey, then another one.
- Wilder is great... He stops when he sees the look on Helen's face... Her once elegant face was twisted by a barely concealed scowl. He gestured then he starts again... He has to tell her everything he thinks. He runs his hand in his beard...
- Elizabeth is great and has been a real friend to me. We have spent a lot of time together as friends. And yes, that day you texted me when you were in NY, that day I made the decision to go to her. Because I thought that was the best thing I could do to get over you. When I got this offer here, I was reluctant for a moment, not because the job wasn't interesting! It was the best way for me to spend time with Luna, to do everything I had promised myself. But it meant being on the same continent as you... a few hours away from you and I didn't know if I could do it. At least not alone, without my backup...but Luna had to come first! She had to come before my insecurities. Wilder and I only dated for a couple of weeks before I took this position and at no point I ever thought that this... this thing would actually continue once I got here .... It's just that it happened so fast that we didn't have time to work things out, to talk about what we want… Wanted. Helen nods without saying anything.
She swallows hard and knows very well that his purpose wasn't to hurt her.
- I have always loved you and that will never change. But I'm not going to lie to you and say that I didn't blame you, because that would be a lie. I did blame you, I hated... This situation. At the word hated Helen lowers her head and takes her hand off his thigh, tucking it under her, protectively and sniffs. Nobody told her life would break her heart…
- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry about the way things went down between us, sorry for not reading between the lines, sorry for...
- No Max. Helen said as she stood up. You don't have to apologize. I'm the one who should be apologizing to you..both of you for the way I handled things between us. It's as if I were suffocating.! Really and I didn't know how to talk to you and I'm so sorry for what I did to you but... I was drowning and I had to shut it down before I completely sank. Don't think it was easy for me to pick up the phone and call you. Don't think it was easy to leave you and Luna behind. It killed me Max, it really killed me. A tear slips down her cheek and she rushes to wipe it away, but Max's tears begin to blur his vision at the memory of that day. I love Luna with all my heart, I love her and I'm sorry for all the bad things I did to her. She has given me so much love and I am sorry that I didn't know how to reassure her and make her feel loved. she stop talking, get her minds together so she can keep going and the silence will be unbearable if she stop. Max is relieved when she speaks again
- The most important thing is… I want you to know… I knew you were gonna take care of me, no doubt about that. But we have gone through our ups and downs
- Sure we have. We came through several hurdles.
- The wedding planning? The stroke… Few times I have felt like it, I was by myself. I didn’t know if you would be there…
- What are you talking about? You are the one who shut me down Helen
- You let me go back to London alone. Her voice comes out louder. Anyway, This was a marriage Max… and to me marriage is a sacrament! A lifetime commitment … she pauses, giving rest to her voice that threatens to break again. You don’t know the way this feels and I don’t know you’ll ever even comprehend…
- I saw my parents love each other, love each other so much but the love wasn't enough... wasn't enough anymore and overnight I saw them tear each other apart, hate each other.…I was in the middle of the crisis and I didn’t want to be like them. True love has no boundaries or borders, I know that… I know that...but you were so far away...things were happening in my life, at work, people I was visiting and you didn't even know...sometimes I would pick up my phone to tell you, then hang up, reminding myself that you were in NY in the middle of the night...I didn't want that to be us. I -
- I'm not your dad Helen... And we're not your parents.
- I know. She said, biting lower lip . I know.
- You should have told me about your fears. We could have worked something out. I wish you had talked to me.
- I know. That whispered little sentence is barely audible but Max hears it and it sounds to him almost like a regret. That one little sentence says a lot…Max deserves a lot more than one little sentence.
He’s that person that loves so much and that the reason he keeps asking to himself if his head and his heart are in the same spot. It’s been super fast. But he knew the day that he kissed Helen, that he was done. His first kiss…He would have proposed before kissing her if he was honest. He can read her eyes and he doesn't like what he sees in them. Of course he would like to tell her never to leave him again, but giving her that power again would be like giving her a knife to stab in his chest. He's in love with her, but still too fragile for that. And he can't forget that the last time he let her near his heart, he came out ruined, destroyed, broken and shattered.
- Sometimes I feel like giving up, like the walls are caving in..But I can’t… I just can't, It isn't in my blood and I want, I need to fight for you, for us. And Im so sorry i didn’t fight ! He’s overwhelmed and insecure, and he needs her to give him something… Keep telling me that, it gets better. Does it ever?
- What? She murmures
- How I feel about you Helen! What I want with you!…He’s looking through her face, her eyes, feeling anxious. Afraid to be alone again, I hate this.
- Afraid to be alone? She repeats, shaking her head
- Afraid to be alone without you. He clarifies. His little invisible heart is always undermined and threatened by extinction if she shut him down.
- What do you want from me Max? Silence…
- Do you like it ?
- What?
- Do you like it when I'm away?
- What do you want from me? She repeats, her eyes staring into his... She waits for him to take a step, to speak, no more subtle. He doesn't know it yet, but she gives him something invisible to hold on to, an unseen thread to cling to. All he needs to do is follow the rope that links them together.
- Im a wreck without you. I want everything … I want it all with you. And I want you to give me another chance to show you how much I love you! That what I want! Then in a low voice… I want Another chance with you Helen. All his emotions feel like explosions when she’s around… Is it worth it? Is it worth it?
His helen, the woman he loves. At this last thought, tears are rising in his eyes again.
Still feeling so lost, cause she’s living in Dreamland, she can’t wake up from. She had to take a little time to clear her head, breath… somehow.
Max tries everything, he suddenly opens his arms and she comes - without question - to take refuge in his arms. He knows that she is crying, he feels her body shaking against him. The most painful part of the whole story is that they are both the only ones who understand each other and the worst ones to talk to. Then suddenly, she hears him whispering in her hair:
- I miss you so much.
She nods. Eyes closed. She misses him too. Like crazy, she really, really do. Until today, Max had never seen her so upset. Their energy resources are flat and they are waiting for one thing: to be reloaded by each other. She pulls her head back slightly and he places his cupped hands on her cheeks and his forehead against hers.
- I'm sorry, Helen, terribly sorry. Forgive me for not being there, for not understanding. Her tears don't stop flowing, but a weak and painful smile comes to her lips.
- I forgive you, Max.
After releasing her, he blows and kisses her forehead, with all the sadness in the world. His tears join her hair and when he lets her go, he feels a part of his being, abandoning her. Every part of his body is screaming at him to find her, but he can't, he's afraid she'll shut him down and leave him outside forever.
Nobody ever told her how love could be this hard And ever showed her that she could break her own heart, Nobody told her she’d be thrown to the sharks…Nobody told her she would get this lost……
****
He's got his weakness She found her reasons. They don't know how to say it loud, Something inside that they've been hiding together alone, what are they fighting? Can they learn how to say it loud? Helen thought she didn't want love anymore, didn't want commitment, didn't want to suffer anymore. But what he makes her feel is beyond she can handle. She has butterflies in her belly and Life continues to surprise her. All they got was love and love is just the scars that show
- Max... I agree. She says
- Agree? He asks surprised.
- Friends!
- Friends? What does that mean?
- You asked me if we can be friend…. We can have a decent relationship as Friends moving forward! It is out of the question that someone else gets to touch her. But he needs to know that only his hands caress her, only his fingers can get inside her.
He wants to have these fights with her when he leaves his socks on the bathroom floor instead of putting them in the laundry basket..
He wants to ask her what she wants for lunch, even if he can't cook but he knows how she loves his Garlic Butter with Lemon Pasta
He wants rainy Sunday on the sofa, in front of the fireplace, reading, biting her lip and him staring, wondering how to get her without seeming too needy and how she told him in a husky but eager voice that they couldn't because Luna could pop up at any second.
Does he need to say out loud what it felt like inside when he saw her with Luna, dancing on Sunday mornings while making breakfast? when she didn't know he was watching her watching Luna, stroking her daughter's blonde hair…Gosh he misses her.
He wants her frozen feet against his warm skin at night as she goes to bed.
He wants to wake up next to her every morning and hear her giggle as he lays warm, wet kisses along her spine. Lord, how he misses her giggling..
He wantsNeed a life with her.
He reaches up, pressing his index finger against her lips. "Stop." Without saying another word, he takes her in his arms and holds her against him.Max can't see anything, there's no sound, and his head turns towards her and he whispers, close to her ear:
- Helen, please, you can read my eyes, so stop believing what my mouth said when I said I wanted us to be friends. I could never be just friends with you. Never! I don't want to be your friend.
She studies him for a moment, lips parted breathing heavy turning over the words he’d just said. Putting her hand on his cheek and presses her forehead against his. She repeats softly that she’s sorry, looking into his eyes she swallows. Something in his eyes, makes her wanna lose herself in his arms.There's something in his voice, making her heart beat fast. If he knew how lonely her life has been this year and how long she has been so alone. She just can't say she doesn't love him, 'Cause she loves him.
- What do you want? You know what I want... What do you want? he adds, saying the word against her skin with a smile because that smirk, the one that got her into so much trouble, is gone.
- Neither do I. I don’t want to be your friend Max. Love always finds a way and He's on her in a flash, rolling her to her back, hovering above her. She Takes his lips, the kiss is long, deep and filled with promise.
Max wanted someone to come along and change his life the way Helen done. It feels like home to him, it feels like home to her. It feels like they’re all the way back where they belong. But, he’s gonna let her know the truth. Max can't walk away, It'll never change his mind because she’s perfect, and he knows that they’re worth it.
Before she can say anything, his lips are on hers again, kissing her deeply and stealing the little bit of breath she has been able to catch since they stopped. His hands are on her legs, tearing at the flimsy cloth of her panties. In the blink of an eye, they're gone and she’s bare.
She spread her knees, giving him access to everything she has as she works at the button on his jeans, tearing the zipper down before yanking the denim down his thighs, exposing him. When she ends up lying bare against him, he feels the same way he did a few weeks ago: the feeling of being alive. He touches her scapula, kisses her ribs, imprints himself on every part of her body.
He tangles his fingers into her hair, tipping her head back, giving him complete access to kiss her deeper, harder. Her moan passes between her lips, sliding into his mouth along with her tongue. His entire body tingles like he's being shocked by nothing more than her touch. It’s taking everything in him to go slow, savouring the moment, and most definitely not screwing
He pulls away, only far enough to see her eyes. The mix of pleasure and pain has him panting and kissing her harder, deeper. He wants her. He’s not sure he'd ever wanted anyone more in his life. Exposing her golden-brown skin, she’s something a man could spend hours admiring and still never get enough.
His mouth waters at the sight of her sleek, bare skin, glistening in the dim lighting of the room. He gazes up the length of her, locking eyes as he lifts himself up on one elbow and tuck a hand under her thigh to hold her. She sucks in a breath, her dark eyes rolling back as the pad of his thumb crosses over her sensitive skin, finding the target. He bends down his neck, keeping his eyes on her as he places the flat of his tongue against her, getting his first taste of Helen Sharpe. And holy mother, the sweetness of her exploding across his taste is nothing but pure ecstasy.
She gasps as he close his lips around her, sucking her softly into his mouth, worshipping her with his tongue. He moans his appreciation, sliding a single finger around her opening, wanting to crawl inside her. She licks her lips eyes locked on him, panting as he pushes inside.When her hand slides up her stomach to her chest and she tweaks a hard nipple with her fingertips, he almost loses it. He wants to bury himself so deep in her he never wants to leave
She lifts her hips, pressing her against his face as he buries a second finger inside her. He curls his fingers every time he pulls out, stroking her G-spot driving her closer to the edge and digging his grave of misery even deeper. She’s so so so fucked… and not in the way she wants to be either.
They stay a few minutes looking at each other and then she finally puts her lips on his. A feeling of happiness crosses all his body and he feels finally complete since almost thirteen months. Each of his kisses, each of his caresses makes leave a little more his demons and he don't stop. He kisses every inch of her body. He loves to feel her love through her skin and she loves to feel his desire through his kisses. Cause all of him loves all of her.
- I love you, she murmured. God! I love you so much! I want you, I want Luna, I want us. She pressed her lips to his, and Max's mouth tenderly told her what all the words in the world could not express.