attention

March 10, 2024

It’s been months since I made a last updated. I honestly forgot I even had this.

She doesn’t care about me. I don’t think she ever did. After theatre ended last year, I thought I would get over her.

But I never did.

It feels weird to be in her place now. Back in theatre I looked up to her. She was older by one year. Now that she’s gone, I have people looking up to me. It’s strange.

Nonetheless, I was obsessed with her. I looked for her in the hallways. I made playlists about her. I dressed to impress. I talked louder when she was around. I drew her. I did everything.

And she still never wanted me.

You could say she technically was my first real crush, and truth be told, you never really get over them. No matter how much time passes by.

And man, time passed by.

We ended up doing theatre in the summer together when school ended.

I found out a few months after theatre but a few months before summer theatre that she’d be moving schools.

I would never see her again.

By the time the next school year would roll around, she’d be gone.

I knew I had to make this summer count.

I was still so delusional. I thought she would look at me, I thought she liked me all over again. But she never did. At least I think she never did. I was just some dumb girl a year younger. Just another person in theatre. She knew lots of people anyways. What would I mean to her?

By the time summer theatre was close to its end, I would imagine us together. Me and her kissing, being a couple. It was so stupid. I thought she liked me so bad, I dreamed she’d kiss me in the dressing room.

She never did.

Nothing I wanted from her ever really happened. Nothing I desperately want ever really happens. That’s just the way it goes. It’s not all that bad. It’s just life.

When summer theatre was over, and I missed all the shots I never took, I still thought about her.

So a week later, I texted her.

Just a simple hi.

It was a dumb conversation. I just asked for her name and shit. With smiley faces and stupid shit.

And that was that. I was so embarrassed. But then again, after theatre (the regular school theatre not summer theatre) ended, she texted me too. She asked me a dumb question, if I was in theatre. Even though I was literally in our school’s theatre group chat! But whatever. I thought she was playing dumb to just talk to me. So I did the same when summer theatre ended.

Honestly to this day I still think she texted me and asked that obvious question just to talk to me. Maybe I was special in a way. But it’s not like that matters anymore.

All of these events were from 2023. What does it matter anymore? She’s in a different school now. The only time I see her is pictures of her from her friends on social media.

Seems she’s doing pretty well.

I’m happy for her.

Fast forward December 2023.
I went to see my local high school’s fall play with my friend. By now my appearance changed dramatically. Before the new school year, I looked naive. Childish. But after the summer, I changed most of my physical structure. I dressed more maturely, and cut my hair that was fried with bleached ends.

To summarize, I looked different. Well at least, better than before. But importantly I just looked different than I did in the summer.

As I waited for my friend in the high school lobby, I saw her for the first time in months. She looked gay dude.

For the rest of the night I sat behind her and her friends in the auditorium. We had one interaction.

She asked me what time the play would end.

And that was it.

March 2024.
The regular school musical had it’s last performance. Out of the last few nights of the musical, I haven’t caught her at all in the audience or in the crowd of people swarming the school once the performances ended. I worried I’d never see her.

But I did!

She looked the same, just with slightly longer hair with more defined curls.

We made eye contact for just a second.

It was so sad. I waited to see her again since December. And our only interaction was one second eye contact.

It’s whatever. I’m just grateful I saw her.

So now what? Should I just wait until summer theatre to see her again? Just keep on waiting? Fuck, will she even do theatre in the summer again?

Why keep on waiting?

Why after all this time, I’m still waiting for her? She isn’t important anymore.

She isn’t important anymore.

It’s been a year. I’m not the same person I was before. I was so obsessed, so delusional. And in a way, I still am. But she’s not the center of my life anymore. There’s so many new people in my life that aren’t associated with her and her friends.

I began a new chapter in my life, one that doesn’t need her anymore, no matter how much it hurts to let go.

Like I said, you never really get over your first crush.

But as life goes on, you slowly forget eventually.

There’s new things to worry about now.

New people, new opportunities. I mean, I don’t even know if I’m a lesbian anymore. (Just kidding, I still am. At least I hope. Guys are just guys, they always disappoint me.)

So, what’s life without her now?

Well, I have a whole new friend group now. Last year, most of my friends were people in the grade above me, most of them also being friends with her. But now, all my friends are either in my grade, or in the grades below my own. I only have one person in the grade above me that I genuinely talk to everyday. Everyone else are just mutual connections.

I can live life now as just a regular person. I don’t need to vent everyday about her.

I can focus on myself.

My point is, you have to put yourself first before crushes. Or at least, don’t try to be delusional about people you don’t even talk to. While she was great and everything, life goes on, even if that means she will or won’t be in it. You have to keep moving. You can be upset, you can wonder why, but you can’t stop everything.

Thank you S, for being a wonderful experience.