Before Iron Man, Tony had been exactly as the media perceived him. Forget facades and lies and all pretence; he genuinely wanted to get drunk, and hook up with anything with legs. Not so much the weapons. He’d never been that kind of guy.
Anyway.
So, he thought he was a failure (even with the billion dollar company he’d inherited), and seemed to relish in making his failure even worse than it already was. Aim bigger, and all that.
It wasn’t the cave and the Ten Rings and Obadiah who’d made him want to turn his life around, either. It was that kid who’d wanted the picture in the convoy, then Yinsen (who, admittedly, made him feel awful) who gave his life for Tony, and then Pepper who’d always believed in him no matter what. Pepper, who loved him despite everything. So, Iron Man hadn’t really changed him. It was Afghanistan, and then Pepper.
If he’d been Iron Man before Afghanistan; he’d probably have been the villain.
(So screw Loki – the Avengers would’ve been fighting him.)
-
When Tony flew that nuke into space; it wasn’t because he wanted to save countless lives. Well, it was. Slightly. But that was kind of… the last thought in his whole thought-train. What he really wanted to do, was end his own.
Self-destructive tendencies.
Natasha couldn’t have been any more accurate.
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“They can never know.” Says Fury, because he knows. Of course he knows. “The team-”
“Won’t work if they know I’m a heartless jerk?” Tony’s eyebrows rise a fraction, delicate arcs above his dark eyes. “I know.”
“No.” Says Fury. “Well, yes. But I was going to say that the team wouldn’t work if they knew you were suicidal.”
“Well, that works, too.”
It didn’t. Not really.
-
Tony never actually liked Captain America.
He said he did, because he figured it’d make his dad proud, but he really didn’t. So this was that guy who the great Howard Stark had been more interested in than his own son? Tony wanted jack shit to do with him and his spangled tights and his stupid boots.
Tony wasn't anyone's American patriot - certainly not his father's.
Edwin Jarvis had never bought him the Captain America bed spread for his birthday (the one he cowered beneath when it all became too much). Howard had gotten it for him. Tony hated it.
(On nights when Howard wasn’t at home, Tony switched it for the fancy red and gold striped thing that Jarvis had bought for him. That one, was cool.)
-
Pepper knew it was attempted suicide the second she saw the missed call.
“You would’ve left me?” Asks Pepper, eyes searching for his own. She looks kind of mad, but Tony figures that’s to be expected.
“Yeah.” He’s surprised at the shame that works its way into his voice. She notices it to, because her gaze softens. “Why are you still with me?”
“Because, Tony.” She cups his cheek with a hand and leans forward to kiss him softly. “I love you. And you need help.”
Help?
Please.
-
Peggy was pretty sure that the boy was growing up much too fast. How could he not be? A life in front of the cameras, and constantly invaded by the paparazzi… The problem? Howard seemed to actually encourage it.
She often tried to explain to him that what he was doing was so, so very wrong.
He didn’t listen.
But she wished he did.
-
When the Avengers found out, it was because of attempt two.
Well, actually, it was attempt three, if you counted the one it MIT which Rhodey and that hot blonde from downstairs had walked in on. But Tony doesn’t really count that one.
Tony’s just lounging on the couch, legs propped up on the arm rest and one hand over the empty arc reactor socket, the other dangling down the other side of the couch. That arm holds the arc like, hey, I’m dying. See how long it takes to notice.
“So,” Says Tony. “Good movie.” Then he coughs.
Five pairs of eyes turn his way (because paranoia, alright?)
One of those pairs travels straight to his limp arm and the reactor that it holds.
“Anthony. Edward. Stark.” Says Natasha, furiously. “Put that motherfucking thing back in your chest before I go over there and make you.”
Tony laughs. He puts it back in anyway, with a satisfying click.
“Are you suicidal?” Clint hisses, eyes blazing.
“Yes.” Says Tony, with a nonchalant tone.
“What the actual fuck.” Says Bruce (and his choice of words has Tony grinning a shit-eating grin).
“How long?” Asks Steve, in a voice barely a whisper.
“What ails you, my friend?” Thor looks troubled.
Tony leans back slightly. “Since MIT.” He says. “Not that any attempt has worked out. An attempted pill overdose was one. The nuke was one. This, another.”
Confused looks are exchanged.
What does he mean, the nuke?
Tony Stark is a hero. Not a freak suicide attempt.
“What?” Clint voices all their thoughts.
Tony opens his mouth to say something, but then; the weirdest thing happens. It comes in the form of a red-headed ex-Russian spy, flinging her arms around him and hugging him like her life depends on it. “You moron.” She says. Then, when everyone thinks she’s about to add in some deep comment about how much he means to them, she says; “You ruined movie night.”
Everyone laughs.
But they get the hidden message behind it, anyway.
The Avengers need Anthony Stark; no matter how villainous, self-centred, narcissistic and suicidal he is.
It is in that moment he decides that he’s not going anywhere.
Not while they still need him.
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