So We Won't be PTA Parents
Bucky could count on one hand how many times he had seen Natasha honest-to-God scared. Twice in the Red Room and once since his readjustment to modern life, but that was just enough to have her fear reactions branded into his brain. She would find the most defendable corner possible and tuck her knees to her chest, as if to shield herself from everything in the world. Her forehead would start sweating and her whole body would tremble so much that she clasped her hands together to keep them from shaking too violently, all the while faintly licking her lips almost neurotically. Each time he had seen her break down like this, all hope had been lost. They were on occasions that she faced death she had not yet come to terms with, so needless to say he was terrified when came into her apartment at Avengers Headquarters to see her curled up on the floor between the wall and the couch.
He immediately dropped the bottle of wine he had brought for them to share, letting it shatter on the hardwood as he bolted to her side and wrapped his good arm around her shoulder. Still, despite the noise and the touch, she kept staring straight ahead as if she was lost in her own world and searching for something that might attack her at any moment.
“Natasha, what happened? Are you okay?” he asked quickly, instinctively reaching his metal arm around to touch the pistol in his back holster in case someone had attacked the apartment.
“No! No I’m not okay,” she finally answered after a few moments and tightly hugged her arms around his waist. “I’m pregnant.”
Bucky felt his jaw go slack. He sputtered and stammered to find something to say that would sum up all the emotions banging around in his brain, but the struggle to find words was nothing compared to the fight to hold back raw tears of joy. He had always wanted kids, back before the war started, but Hydra destroyed that dream when they stripped away his humanity and turned him into a monster. Even after Steve brought him back to a shadow of his former self, he was sure that nothing had changed. He wholeheartedly believed that he would never have the chance to be a father, but if what Natasha said was true…
“Nat… that’s-that’s wonderful!” he eventually managed. “That’s-that’s fantastic!”
He leaned in to kiss her, but she let out a furious yell and shoved both heels of her hands against his chest, sending him to the other side of the living room floor, tears streaming down her face.
“Are you really so naïve?! What kind of life could we possibly give a child?! How do we explain to a daughter why I could never watch one of her ballet recitals? How do we explain to a son why you will never be able to volunteer at his school? I can’t bring a human this life only to watch it be torn apart by our mistakes.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that,” Bucky assured, hesitantly reaching out to hold her hands even though they still shook in livid and terrified tremors. “We might never be able to give our child a normal life, but we can still give them a good one. Okay, we don’t become PTA parents, but so what? They will have an entire Avengers family to help take care of them and give anything we can’t. We can do this, Natasha, I promise.”
Natasha didn’t cry. He had seen her afraid before, yes, but Bucky had never seen her cry. Not until now, that is. She practically collapsed into his arms, sobbing with such a full weight that he could feel her chest rise and fall in bursts. His rapture gave way to anxiety, and he abandoned his elation for concern. He tried to remember a time that he ever felt more uncomfortable than he did now, but the only thing that came to mind was remembering Steve for the first time after his time as the Winter Soldier, and that was nothing short of torture.
“I’m so sorry, James, but I can’t,” she murmured between gasps for breath. “I know how much you want to be a father, but I can’t keep it. I can’t.”
Bucky felt all the blood drain from his face. No, you have to! he wanted to scream. We have a real chance! That’s our child! Ours! But he remained silent. Steve had been keeping him up on the times; how far healthcare for issues like this had come since when they were young and how science and the law had developed. He knew at the end of the day it was Natasha’s choice, but it still felt like a knife had been plunged into his chest and would not stop turning.
“Natalia, I am begging you,” he pleaded, holding her at arm’s length so he could look her in the eyes. Christ, she looked like she was falling apart. “Please, at least give us the chance to try. I’ll give up being an Avenger, I’ll spend every day taking care of them, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure they grow up right. I’ll do everything so you don’t have to, but please just keep our child.”
He could feel his own tears now too. What a horrible sight the two of them must have been, he thought briefly. Had either of them ever been so weak before?
After what could not have been anything less than half an hour of nothing but quiet sobs, Natasha used her sleeve to dry her face and his.
“I’m willing to try, but only because I know you will make an amazing dad.”
***
It seemed as if every tiny face had plastered themselves to the windows on the left side of the bus to stare out in wonder. Even without their colorful suits, Avengers were Avengers, and practically every kid in the United States knew their New York heroes. It wasn’t every day Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Hawkeye, Falcon, War Machine, Vision, Scarlet Witch, Bruce Banner, Maria Hill, Black Widow, and Bucky Barnes were all in one place in public, and the awe struck elementary schoolers were drinking it all in.
“Ready for your first day of big-kid school, Andrea?” Natasha asked, kneeling down to fix the bow in Andy’s hair.
Her daughter nodded confidently and Bucky beamed proudly. She had picked up her mother’s confidence, that’s for sure.
“You’re gonna be amazing, kiddo. Anyone messes with you, tell them your Uncle Iron Man will kick their ass,” Tony said, to which everyone shot him a glare and Steve elbowed him in the ribcage.
“Watch your language around our niece!” he scolded.
But Andy was giggling so uncontrollably that Bucky couldn’t be fazed less by Tony’s antics. Everyone knew she was going to have his mouth eventually anyway with how much time she loved spending with Legos and Dummy in the Stark Tower lab. Almost as much time as playing on the trapeze set Clint had built in the Avengers training facility for her while Natasha was debriefing new SHIELD agents. As Andy made her rounds hugging each of her aunts and uncles before headed out to the bus, Bucky slipped his hand into Natasha’s.
“You know, this means we’ll have the whole day to ourselves,” he whispered in her ear.
“Good,” she said back, waving to Andy as she became engulfed in an ocean of other kids no doubt bombarding her with questions about her family. “Because I want a boy this time.”