I Fix Machines, Not People
At lunch, Loki was happier than Tony had ever seen him. The sight slightly concerned Tony - Loki was normally dark and brooding. What had happened to make him so happy-go-lucky? To him, a happy Loki meant trouble. Still, it was better than having to deal with crying or Loki yelling at him, so he didn't say anything about it. Instead, he watched hockey while Loki finished eating. When he saw that Loki was done, he took him down to his lab.
"Don't break anything or you'll get a repulsor blast to the face," Tony warned rather seriously. "And don't do anything stupid. No drinking chemicals, no smelling chemicals, and no roughhousing with anything delicate. Got it?"
Loki nodded and got to work on creating a large structure to protect the giant arc reactor powering the tower. There was already a protective case around it, but it wasn't of the best quality or strength, so he figured he would improve it. Meanwhile, Tony was working on the controls in his suit. Loki was diligent, quietly working and not disturbing Tony or messing with any equipment. However, he started to cry and couldn't figure out why he was crying. Tony heard him and looked over at him with a sigh.
"You know I don't like crying," Tony said. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You know, for the god of lies, you're a terrible liar."
"It really is nothing! Lately, sometimes I cry for no reason. It's strange. I don't even know what's causing it."
"Maybe it's knowing that those two, well, creatures are coming after you? I've been having more dreams about them. I think they're getting closer because of that-"
To Tony's dismay, Loki started to hyperventilate. His face was even paler than usual with fear and he was shaking uncontrollably. No matter how much Tony tried to get him to calm down, he just grew more and more hysterical.
"Sir, I believe Mr. Laufeyson is having a quite severe panic attack," J.A.R.V.I.S said, sounding concerned for an AI.
"No, no, I don't have those," Loki panted. "I'm not crazy."
"Mr. Laufeyson, panic attacks do not make one insane," J.A.R.V.I.S replied. "Though they may take place along with other disorders that do make one clinically insane, panic attacks on their own are simply signs of emotional distress. Inhale while counting to three, hold counting to three, and exhale counting to three. You can adjust the number you count to if you feel the need to do so."
Loki followed J.A.R.V.I.S's advice and calmed down for the most part, but he was still crying. Carefully, Tony walked over to him and grabbed him by the shoulders as gently as possible.
"Loki, you're going to be okay," Tony assured. "I get anxiety attacks too and they're not fun, but you have to get through them. There had to be something that triggered this. Can you please be honest with me? I know it's not in your character to be honest, but just try. I won't judge you."
"You saying that Thanos and the Other are getting closer triggered it," Loki said, glaring at Tony. "Perhaps if you wouldn't have said that, I wouldn't have had a... panic attack. You should really watch what you say. You constantly say things without thinking."
"I know I do," Tony sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But why were you crying in the first place?"
"Because I feel like I deserve to die," Loki said. "After all I've done... I should be executed. And not humanely, but as painfully as possible. Or perhaps I should be tortured, maybe including the way that man hurt me-"
"No!" Tony shouted, causing Loki to flinch. "I'm sorry. But no. You didn't deserve that and you don't deserve it again. Please don't think that. No one deserves that, no matter how many crimes they've committed. I don't know why you think you deserve to be abused, but you don't. Abuse is something no one deserves, no matter who they are. Please don't think like that."
"But it's so hard not to," Loki protested. "How can you expect me to change my thinking just like that? You may see me as arrogant and overly self-assured, and sometimes I am those things, but deep down, I truly hate myself. I convince myself that I'm better than everyone else so I can hide feeling worthless. It's not just because of my heritage either. I hate myself for being black-haired and green-eyed instead of being blonde and blue-eyed like most Asgardians. I hate being pale when the rest of the Æsir have sun-kissed skin. And I hate myself for being a sorcerer."
"What's wrong with being a sorcerer? That sounds pretty cool to me."
"In Asgard, magic is usually a women's craft," Loki explained. "It is rare for men to practice magic, so other children loved to make fun of me when I was younger."
"Well, you're away from those kids now. And like I said, I think your magic is cool."
"Why are you trusting me so easily?" Loki asked. "I threw you out your own window, compromised your team member, attacked your city, and nearly strangled you to death. If you were as intelligent as people say you are, you wouldn't trust me. I'm dangerous. If you get me into a rage, I just might kill you."
"Is that a threat?"
"No, it's not. I actually enjoy your company, though I hate to admit it."
Tony smiled and said, "We don't have to be down here if you're upset. We can go back into the common room and watch some TV. Hey, I just remembered something - you like to read, right?"
"Yes. I love to read."
"Well, I was thinking of taking you to a bookstore," Tony said. "I could always order books online, but I think you'd like the feeling of being in a bookstore, specifically the one closest to Stark Tower. You get to flip through the books until you find one you're interested in reading, and you can smell the nice smell books have. You also can curl up on one of the chairs next to the fireplace where it's all cozy and warm. Does that sound nice?"
Loki nodded with a smile. "You really don't have to be so nice to me. I'm sure you have something better to do with your time. Besides, who would be nice to someone who almost killed them? You're being rather foolish by treating me like a friend."
"Maybe I just like to be nice to people sometimes," Tony said with a shrug. "Even if they are my former enemies. I'll take you to the bookstore tomorrow. For now, you can watch TV with me or in your room or take a nap, whatever you'd like to do. As long as it doesn't involve killing people."
Loki decided to go to his room and get some alone time. As much as he was admittedly liking Tony's company, the man loved to talk and it was easy for Loki to get annoyed with him for that. He watched the news for a bit before he decided to take a nap. As he lay down and tried to get to sleep, thoughts started racing through his head. What if Thanos got his hands on the rest of the infinity gems quicker than Loki expected? What if the Other found him and held him prisoner while Thanos stocked the Infinity Gauntlet?
All of these thoughts kept him up and he began to toss and turn. His heart was beating fast but not in the nice way it was beating last night, when Tony had called him beautiful. He decided to focus on that recent memory - how surprised he was to hear Tony's comments, how good it made him feel, and how pleasantly nervous he now felt around Tony. Still unsure of why he was nervous, he tried to find the answer. Doing so just kept him from falling asleep.
As much as he wanted to tell Tony everything he was thinking and feeling, he decided it was hopeless and fell asleep.