Chapter 2
Hiro called his older brother the following morning as soon as he got out of bed, just to make sure that the protestors hadn’t killed him, or burnt the Institute to the ground.
“I had this kinda awful dream that you died in a fire, so.” Hiro shrugged. He had his cell pinned between his ear and his shoulder as he shovelled helpings of last night’s potatoes and green salad into his mouth. His spoke around the mouthful, his voice muffled with food. “Thought I’d see whether or not I’d need to get a suit for your funeral.”
Tadashi assured his younger brother – a little more gravely than he really needed to for that joke – that he wouldn’t have to worry about it for a very long time yet.
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Hiro had the day off work. Normally he would’ve gone in anyway (although substantially later than usual) to tinker around with his battle bots and further develop his own projects – just there to borrow state-of-the-art tools he couldn’t really keep in his own home. But today he didn’t. He didn’t even sleep in. No, today was the day that the rape support organisation he signed up to wanted its volunteers and new recruits to meet downtown. He was nervous as all hell, but he still got dressed to leave. He tried to psych himself up. He was going to meet people, he was going to talk to them. He was going to be useful. He was going to help kids.
He trudged through the streets with a map open on his phone, feeling more and more insanely apprehensive the closer he came to his destination. When he finally saw it, he had to double-check with a passer-by that it really was his destination. It was just a short, reddish brown-coloured office building that looked as if it should’ve been bulldozed several decades ago. That was the organisation’s headquarters?
Hiro sighed. He shouldn’t have been so surprised, so judgemental. There probably wasn’t an awful lot of funding for causes like this. They probably didn’t much care how their building looked, so long as it was still standing, which he supposed it technically was. He’d have to start a monthly donation or something. Get his brother to add the organisation to his endless charity list.
As he approached the doors, his nervousness became so unbearably intense that he strongly considered just walking by and catching the latest blockbuster film, but he made an effort to stay. He veered off the sidewalk, into the dusty and dark building, and hesitantly came towards the reverberations of laughing and people talking…
He came into a large foyer where groups of people stood around in small circles, chatting and eating finger food. He barely took one step into the pale light of the room before he was spotted and assailed by some faces he recognised from the organisation’s website.
Once he’d gotten in there and shaken hands with the primary organisers – Alice and Hiyori – Hiro wondered how he’d ever been so nervous. He kept forgetting that everyone was always so friendly to him, wherever his therapist sent him. People always went out of their way to make him feel welcome and comfortable, and they were oddly intuitive at knowing just when to give him some space and to leave him alone by the snacks table, when he needed a break.
He was briefly introduced to some prominent members of the organisation; most of them were experienced volunteers, or were ex social workers or ex cops or ex something or other. Only a couple of them were new faces in the crowd, but he didn’t know which ones they were because they were all new faces to him.
He talked to a lot of people, which got tiring after a while, but he eventually found himself buddying up with a somewhat sullen woman around his age called Lucy. He sat with her by the tea and coffee table, away from everyone else, just killing time.
She was surprisingly open about her abuse. As soon as she learnt that Hiro had been victimised by a caregiver, she candidly told him about how she’d been brutally raped by her step-dad since she was thirteen, and how she had run away from home and lived on the streets just to get away from him.
Hiro didn’t… really know what to say to that. He hadn’t ever really spoken to another victim like himself before. He hadn’t heard these stories first-hand. He had no idea how to react. He wasn’t prepared for it – for any of it.
He stared at the ground, his eyes wide and hurt, and he tried to stammer out all of these apologies that she’d ever experienced something so dreadful, and he added a joke about culling abusers like her step-dad, except that it wasn’t a joke in that moment, not really. She waved away his apologetic blathering like she was so used to it by now, but Hiro couldn’t stop.
“That must’ve been awful,” he kept muttering. The reality of where he was and what he was talking about and who he was talking to came crashing down on him hard. “I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like… I-I never – I mean, nothing that bad ever happened to me and–“
“Don’t do that,” she said sharply, shutting him right up. He looked up at her to see that he was being fixed with a mean glare. “Seriously, don’t. I once met a girl whose own dad kept her in the basement as a sex slave for twelve years. You think I hear that story and say to myself ‘oh, that’s worse than what happened to me, so I should just shut up’? No. My experiences are no less valid than hers, and yours are no less valid than mine. It’s not a fucking competition to see who suffered the most. So cut that shit out right now.”
Hiro could see her point. He lowered his head, nodding, feeling guilty and insensitive.
“Besides,” she went on, “there’re enough people out there who don’t believe guys can be sexually assaulted. We can’t have a male victim perpetuating that kind of bullshit too. Notice how you’re pretty much the only one here?”
She gestured out to the crowd of people and yeah – that hadn’t exactly escaped Hiro’s attention. He’d known as soon as he’d walked into the hall that his gender was greatly outnumbered. There were only another two or three guys there that he saw, but they looked more like rabid supporters of their sisters and wives than anything else.
He jumped as Lucy suddenly smacked him in the arm. “Come on,” she said, getting to her feet, and Hiro hastily did the same. “They’ll find us when we’re needed. Let’s go outside.”
Hiro was a little reluctant to leave the crowd behind, but Lucy had the indifferent, jaded look of someone who’d been through the exact same routine a hundred times before. She was only one or two years older than him, but Hiro still thought she was so mature and worldly, compared to himself anyway. He followed her out of the building, and down onto the thick concrete ridges surrounding a neglected flower bed.
She pulled a packet of cigarettes out from her jacket pocket, slipping one between her lips and offering another out to Hiro. She spoke around her cigarette, “Want one?”
“Uh…” Hiro gave a small, nervous laugh. “My brother would kill me.”
She stared at him. “You’re a grown man and you still let your brother micromanage you?”
Hiro laughed again, but he still shook his head, declining the offer. She muttered “suit yourself” and put the packet away. She had an odd sort of take-no-shit, cavalier grace about her as she lit up and stared down any pedestrians who caught her eye, blowing smoke at them like it was a gentle threat.
She didn’t talk. The silence between them dragged on for so long that Hiro forced himself to say something, anything just to end it. “So, uh… What – What do you do?”
“Bartending. You?”
“Engineering. I build robots.”
“Nice.”
“Thanks. So, uh… Do you do this kind of thing a lot? The helping out victims thing?”
“Oh yeah. For about… five years now. I meet Alice – that lady with the grey hair and the big teeth? Yeah, I met her when I was still homeless, and once I got my shit together I went to work for her.”
“Why? Just wanted to help out, or…?”
“Well. I guess it was… part of my recovery. I was still really bitter and angry about everything that had had happened, and someone suggested I channel all of that ‘negative energy’ into something positive. And yeah, I just got so fucking sick of hearing about all of these people who went through the exact same shit as me that I decided I’d make a difference in my own small way… So, I talk to victims. I see talk to them in person and answer their emails, but mostly I answer the phones… The helplines,” she said upon seeing that Hiro needed further clarification.
“Oh. Wow. That’s… That’s amazing.” He smiled admiringly up at her. “I guess there’s no one better at talking to victims than a… survivor, right?”
Lucy shrugged, tapping some ash off her cigarette. “It helps. Sometimes people are just looking for someone to talk to. Someone who understands.”
“Yeah…” Hiro was suddenly reminded of the first time he’d called a helpline, right when he’d needed it most. His heart just sunk in his chest. “I called a helpline once,” he said quietly. “I wish I’d gotten someone nice like you to talk to, instead of the lady who… basically told me to fuck off.”
Lucy’s head snapped in his direction then. “Seriously?”
Hiro felt so uplifted, so validated to hear the obvious surprise in her voice. But it didn’t last for as long as Hiro would’ve liked.
“Oh. I think I know why. A few years back, we used to get a lot of prank calls from college boys who thought they were just so fucking hilarious to impersonate victims and waste everyone’s time. Fucking assholes.” She closed her eyes for a few seconds and just shook her head, sighing angrily. “I guess it was just easier back then to assume any guys calling were there to make fun of rape victims, rather than actually, y’know… be the victims. Anyway.” She put an arm around him then and touched her head to his temple. It was a sweet gesture that he hadn’t needed, but it was still sweet all the same. “I’m sorry you were told to fuck off. Not a nice thing to hear. Especially when you’re just trying to reach out to someone.”
Hiro scoffed, murmuring, “yeah, no kidding.”
She patted him twice before pulling away again, taking another long drag. “Well. Don’t worry, Hera.”
That was a new one. “Um, it’s Hiro.”
“Oh, sorry. Don’t worry, Hiro. Societal norms and attitudes – they change, if you force them to. If you push hard enough. That’s why I’m here. That’s why you’re here. People are gonna start taking you, and every other kind of victim out there more seriously.”
They sat in silence for a while, but it was different to when they’d first gone outside. It was no longer awkward; it was safe and welcome. Companionable. Hiro wondered to himself, as he watched a tram ding and grind past, if he’d just made himself a new friend. A friend he could really relate to. A friend who understood what he’d been through.
“Hey, Lucy,” he said, and she hummed quizzically. “Um… Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Does, um… Does it all get too much, sometimes?”
She stared at him, frowning confused. “Huh?”
“Like…” He tried to find a better way to phrase it. “When you’re helping others – when you’re talking to them and listening to their stories, doesn’t it… just, really remind you of what your step-dad did? Or of how you were back then, and just… Doesn’t it get too much?”
“Well, it does happens. I’ve known a lot of survivors who were so keen to volunteer, only to drop out of the group a week later because they just couldn’t hack it anymore. It was far too close to home. You understand and you move on and you don’t hold it against them – they’ve been through enough already. But it’s not just a survivor thing – a lot of non-victimised people drop out too, because they’re suddenly faced with the reality of just how fucking shitty the world and all the people in it really are.”
Her words made Hiro feel cold. He zipped up his hoodie and dug his hands into the pocket, bringing his knees up to his chest. He probably looked quite young again, but he didn’t care.
He murmured, “Will I hack it?”
“Should do. Well, we kinda need you to, since you’re a pretty rare and surprisingly useful gem. We need you for all the other male victims out there, especially the kids. According to Alice and Hiyori, you’re going to be the…” She hummed and thought about it for a second before coming back up, grinning inanely. “The unofficial voice of male sexual abuse victims.”
Hiro’s stomach dropped. He hoped she was joking. “I can’t… speak on behalf of every male victim. I can only speak for myself.”
“Hey look – it doesn’t matter, OK?” She roped an arm around him and shook him like he was already her best bud in the entire world. “So long as you’re just speaking for someone… That’s enough. One voice is better than none. One voice will herald more.”
Hiro smiled at her. “That’s… kinda poignant.”
“Thanks.” She grinned. “I stole it from the back of a fashion catalogue.”
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They were called back in not too long after that. Everyone was seated in what looked like some kind of old table-less conference room on the first floor. Hiro took a seat near the back, always staying close to Lucy, and he listened intently to the two organisers at the front. They briefly addressed and gave updates on issues Hiro knew nothing about, and then they launched straight into their projected formula for the seminar. Rape Sensitivity Training. From there on out known as RST.
Hiro was astounded at just how organised they seemed to be. How involved and dedicated everyone was. They already had their own practiced keynote speakers, and people to work on the visual presentation, and gather recent data, and deal with the venue, and the treasury, and they had people to creatively advertise, to promote their campaign, and to get as many local health agencies backing them as possible. They were even organised down to the very samples they were going to hand out during the seminars.
But what they missing, they said, were more victims’ voices.
“They’re talking about you,” Lucy whispered to Hiro, nudging him in his side, but he barely reacted. He’d accidentally locked eyes with Alice at the front, and now she was smiling widely at him, expectant and hopeful. Hiro just swallowed. His stomach was doing just about every backflip and somersault he could think of.
“Mr Hamada,” Alice called out to him, across the crowd, directing a dozen or so faces to turn and stare at him. He shrank a little in his seat, and Lucy squeezed his leg. “Why don’t you come up and tell us a bit about yourself? …If you want to that is,” she added kindly when Hiro didn’t immediately leave his seat. But he could feel so many eyes on him now, and Lucy was trying to edge him up out of his chair, and…
He took a deep breath.
“Yeah,” he said. He hit his chest and cleared his throat to try to sound a little less, well, hysterical. “Um, sure.”
He heard Lucy whisper something supportive as he walked past her, around the group, and up to the front. Alice and Hiyori were there waiting for him with welcome arms which they laid on his shoulder and back, turning him to look into all of those quietly absorbed faces. He was scared stiff but he hoped that no one would notice. His eyes flickered to the back and he could see Lucy trying to hold in a laugh…
Yeah, he wasn’t fooling anybody.
He abruptly wondered if he’d made a mistake. If he couldn’t even tell a small crowd of people a few things about himself without freaking out, then he had absolutely no ideahow he was going to get up in front of even morepeople to look them in the eye and tell them all about the experiences that had almost ruined his life.
“It’s OK, Hiro,” Hiyori assured him lightly. She could practically feel his jitters, he just knew. “We just want to get to know you a little bit better, that’s all. You don’t have to tell us anything that you don’t want to.”
You’re being stupid, he told himself. He took a few more deep breaths until he managed to calm down and relax his posture a little. “Um, hello.” He saw Lucy at the back of the room indicate that she couldn’t hear, and he started again, raising his voice. “Hello. Uh, my name is Hiro Hamada. I’m twenty-six years old. I’m a robotics engineer – I work for one of the top innovation firms in the city. And… I’m a male rape survivor…?”
He added the inflection, turning back to the organisers with an expression that begged to know if that had been the right thing to say. They smiled back encouragingly.
“It’s so good to have you with us, Hiro,” Alice said. “Would you like to talk further or would you prefer to sit down again?”
“Uh…” He looked back at the crowd, then back to her. “Well… I don’t wanna… waste anyone’s time.”
“You’re not wasting anyone’s time, Hiro. It’s entirely up to you whether you would like to tell us more about yourself or not.”
He blinked and looked back to Lucy for assistance, but all she did was shrug. Hiro wasn’t too sure. He was staring at all these faces, and none of them looked nearly as horrified or revolted – or even surprised – as he had thought they would. But still…
“M… Maybe I’ll sit down,” he said, slowly backing away from the front of the room. He could feel his face start to redden. “S-Sorry…”
“That’s quite alright, Hiro. Thank you – everyone, please give a warm welcome to Hiro Hamada.”
It was awkward – so awkward as they erupted with applause. He darted back to his chair and sat down and wished that the memory of it would just fade already. Lucy gave him a one-armed hug and told him that he did good, while several people in the surrounding chairs turned to give him a smile or a handshake or a kind word that made Hiro’s heart just melt.
It was difficult. It was overwhelming at times. But he thought he might just stick around.