Chapter 8
Bucky was typically quiet after therapy sessions. Steve was always worried, especially after sessions that he didn’t join Bucky for. Today was no different. He came in, acknowledged Steve in the living room with a nod but continued into his own bedroom. He usually goes out on his own for awhile after his appointments but it was now dark and he’d left before noon.
He walked over to the door, hesitating to reach for the knob, deciding to step back at the end.
“I’m headed to bed, Buck.” Steve’s voice was just slightly raised. He knew he could hear him. “There’s leftover in the fridge. If you need me, you know where I’ll be.” He stared for another moment and then turned to walk into his own bedroom across the hall.
Steve showered and dressed down to a pair of sweats for bed. His bedroom door was cracked so he could keep Bucky’s bedroom in sight, a habit he’d kept from the first couple of weeks when the other man would wonder the house at night. There hasn’t been any noises from him since he came home which was good, Steve thought. Noises were typically bad.
Quiet nights has become more common in the apartment. Steve had thought it’d make him more reassured in Bucky’s treatment. Unfortunately it had done very little to placate him. Sure, Bucky was getting better. He didn’t need constant orders to get through his day. The nightmares were less frequent though never gone. He was smiling more, remembering more, being more casual with Steve.
And sometimes it almost felt like nothing had changed, but then Bucky would flinch away when someone who moved too quickly, his smile would fade too fast or last too long and the daydream would vanish. It wasn’t 1943 anymore.
Everyone they knew from then was gone, things were different. Most importantly, Steve’s best friend was gone even though he was just down the hall. It was selfish, he knew it was, but all Steve wanted was his friend back. Quiet footsteps pulled Steve from his thoughts and Bucky was standing in his doorway, face reserved.
“Hey Buck, you okay?” He began to nod his head but it ended up a shake, his brows coming together in confusion.
”Could I bunk with you tonight?”
”Yeah, no problem.” Steve grinned at him. “Hop in.” Bucky muttered a small thanks behind Steve as he turned the lights off, leaving the room to be dimmly lit by the streets outside. He rolled off his jeans and climbed under the covers by the time Steve was back to do the same. “Did you have a good appointment?” His voice was low, almost hushed despite it being just them.
”Yeah,” he responded half heartedly, mimicking Steve’s low tone. “Karen told me to think some things over and it’s been on my mind all day.”
”Anything interesting?” Bucky chuckles, laying down on his back to stare up at the ceiling. Steve did the same, but kept his head tilted to keep glancing at bucky.
“I’m not sure yet. My walnut ain’t preforming too great at the moment pal.” There was a sharp grin on buckys face and Steve found himself smiling too. And he could almost pretend they were back in his old cramped bedroom, sharing a bed during the freezing winter nights. But then his lips turned down again. ”I’m sorry.”
”What’s there to be sorry about?”
”Just that you gotta babysit me now. I’m not myself yet and it means you have to constantly worry about me, so I’m sorry.” Steve laughed.
”if anything, this is pay back for you having to worry about me for just about our entire lives. I stayed in trouble but you always got me out. I’m just returning the favor.”
“I do remember that,” Bucky allowed. “Too many back alley fights to count.”
”And then some.”
”Over things like some dumb guy making a rude comment or something like that.”
”You know me, I can’t keep my big mouth shut. If I see something I don’t like, I have to say something.”
”Ain’t that the truth.” They relaxed again, enjoying the silence between them. “Do you think I’ll every be myself again? My old self?” Steve stared over at Bucky for a long time, but his face gave him no answers.
”I’m not sure Bucky. I know you’re getting better, and that’s great. And it’ll be enough for me, even if you never get back to where you were, you’re still Bucky to me.” His friend seemed to take in the words for a long time before deciding that he was okay with them.
“Good night, Steve.”
”G’night, Buck.”