there's blood on his hands and face and in his hair and under his nails and he's drowning in it. the street is empty and windows are busted and doors are hanging off their hinges and they're towering, both the building and his thoughts and he can't see the sky but if he could he knows it would be grey
and it's so bad, it's horrible but what's worse is the bodies that he has to climb over to move and he doesn't know where he's going but he has to go
they stare at him with empty eye sockets and their maggot filled mouths are silently screaming but it's okay because bucky's head is filling in the blanks for him and he doesn't know what to do and he's panicking because
(it's all his fault)
and he recognises the bodies, he sees their faces and they're familiar and that's the guy who he shot in the head and that's the women who begged and begged and that's the teenager who just was in the wrong place at the wrong time and those are the people who were in that building he burnt down to get that one target
their lips (if they have any) are blue and peeled and their cheeks (if they have any) are gaunt and the skin stretches across their bones and he gets to the end of the road and he turns but there's another road the exact same but more bodies and they can't all be his
and they're not, but they will be. because that's steve with no eyes and that's tony with the blistered burnt skin and that's fury and he has no hands or feet and clint has no goddamn face
and they're all staring at him, with gaping pain filled eyes and their expressions are ones of fear and agony and he knows he didn't do it, he knows, but he feels guilty anyway and he feels like just lying down with them and dying himself because what's the point of being alive if they're not
he closes his eyes but the screams increase and he can't help but wrench his eyelids open again and it's worse
it's so much worse
because all the bodies from the previous street are there and their once soundless screams are piercing his ears and when they open their mouth ravens soar out of their mouth, cawing and swarming above his head and bees are coming out of the ravens mouths every time they call out
bucky hears a dog growl behind him and he spins around. a gleaming white horse with glowing red eyes and a menacing black dog, skins and bones, foaming at the mouth, are standing side by side not that far away
on top of the horse sits a black cloaked figure and bucky knows it's a women, doesn't know how but he knows
and then she screams and bucky falls to his knees, clutching his head but he can't close his eyes. the bodies move and cling to his legs and feet and suddenly there're boney hands on his shoulders dragging him down and he finds out he doesn't want to join them at all
he tries to struggle but his limbs are numb and he feels like crying because he didn't mean to and he's sorry. his chest is heaving and sobs are catching in his throat and he's sucking in air but none is coming out again
the screeching increases and bucky can pinpoint steve's agonised howls and he can hear thor's bellows and natasha's shrieks are piercing his head and he doesn't recognise the new voice that's screaming-
-"Bucky!"
Bucky snaps back to himself and Steve (alivealivealive) is straddling him on the bed, pinning his straining arms back above his head. And it's wrong. It's wrongwrongwrong because-
there's too much light and there's white coats and he can't remember anything and who is he and they're strapping him to the metal table and-
He must have made some kind of sign of distress because Steve jumps off him like he's been burnt and Bucky's hurt and confused because he wants him back close but he needs to stay the hell away from him.
Steve stands close to the bed, however, as Bucky scrambles up the sweat-soaked sheets to rest against the headboard. Steve looks as bad as Bucky feels, hands up in the air calmly, as if Bucky's an unpredictable, uncontrollable monster (and he is and he's sorry, he doesn't want this). His hair is in all directions, skin pale and eyes so wide with concern that Bucky's worried that they're gonna fall out of his head.
And Bucky's shaking, shaking so bad that the bed is following each movement of his trembling. When he reaches up a shaking hand to wipe the sweat from his face, he realises that it's tears. They're streaming down his cheeks and they're still coming and he can't get them to stop.
He lets out an involuntary whimper and his arms automatically stretch out towards a silent Steve, who had been watching him warily but worriedly simultaneously.
Steve jumps at the chance and scoots into the bed, gently tugging Bucky to let his back rest against his chest. They fit, Steve a couple of inches taller and just bigger in general and Bucky has never been okay with being small but with Steve it's okay.
Steve reaches a hand around and sets it on his chest carefully, just at the epicentre of his heart.
"Calm down, Bucky, we'll sort it out," Steve hushes and his voice rumbles through Bucky's entire being, "You gotta slow your heart rate down, Buck, it's too fast"
Slowly, but surely, with Steve's hand on his chest and heart beat echoing through his chest to Bucky's own, Bucky calms down. The lingering screams in his ears filter out and he slumps back against the older man, letting him take his full weight and knowing he could easily handle it.
Steve humphs then chuckles deeply. "You back with me, buddy?"
Bucky considers the question in silence, shifting slightly. "Yeah," he says quietly, not wanting to kick start any voices in his head, "I think I'm here"
Steve lets out a relieved sigh and Bucky can feel the stress and worry melt out of the blond. It only makes him feel guiltier.
"Do- do you wanna talk about it?" Steve asks and Bucky starts to panic because Steve can't know what he's done. He can't know about the bodies and the pain and about the woman and-
"Hey, hey. It's okay, you don't have to tell me" Steve says quickly once he feels Bucky's heart rate pick up.
Then there's silence. Then-
"Buck," Steve starts, clearing his throat because there was too much emotion in that one word, "When I-when I heard you, in your room, and-and you were sc-screaming...-Bucky you were screaming and I didn't know what to do," Steve gasps and sniffles, like he's crying himself, and Bucky stays so still, "I felt so useless and I thought you were losing all your memory and it's stupid but you looked like you were dying-" (maybe he was) "-and I thought I lost you again and I can't do that again. Not again"
Bucky stays quiet for a moment before moving, turning on his side so his head rests on Steve's chest and the older man's arm automatically curls around his back for support and comfort.
"I'll be okay in a while" Bucky mumbles, (lies) and rests his own hand over Steve's heart, feeling the racing of it slow down.
Steve smiles tiredly down at him and places a soft kiss on top of the younger man's sweaty forehead, tightening his hold on Bucky.
After a while he asks, "Are you okay now?"
And Bucky answers, "Yes"
And he's lying because-
There's fire in the marrow of his hollowed bones and dust where his blood should be. Grit fills his lying mouth and there's ash in his cracked eyes and he wants the mist and smog in his forsaken head to get out.
There's sand pouring out of his ears and he's trying to catch it with his hands but it's going through his fingers and falling to the floor. Damn it all to hell if he doesn't feel fingers gripping the flesh of his heart and tearing it wide open. An empty abyss, of gaping, swelling pain.
(but he's okay)