Chapter 1
All they truly had were moments, it’s those moments that stuck out in the forefront of one’s mind. He didn’t know how he could stand living this way, he was already wound tighter than a spring. It was like that one John Mayer song. What was it called again? Slow dancing in a burning room? They were doomed, doomed how he wasn’t sure, just doomed in one way or another. He didn’t know what to do anymore, the burning was bound to make his sanity break more than it already was. Maybe it was just a terrible idea to listen to John Mayer after the continuous heart break, unintentional or not. But that kiss would have been nice. Though he wasn’t supposed to bring it up, that didn’t mean it wasn’t still on his mind.
It was just an odd chain of events from the start. He felt more curious as to what Peter’s reasoning to wanting to yet again forget the almost kisses they’ve shared. The nearly breathless moments before they were interrupted every time. Be it their own will power or the power of karma at work, he didn’t know. Hah, karma, what an interesting concept. His own karma was probably the thing screwing him over. He was being made to atone for his wrong doings in the term of incredibly blue balls. Not that he was going to force any of that need onto Peter that would just be rude. He was making the choice after all, and perhaps the aching and the ‘almost’s and the pain would end up being worth it. That was also a huge maybe, but his luck seemed to be getting better, with the positive influence Peter held over him.
If he could only express himself in the right words, or the right actions that wasn’t too little or too much. He couldn’t tell if he was slowly giving up on himself or Peter was trying to defend his heart. It was all kind of strange. Has he said that already? Probably, the whole situation was fucked up, pardon his French. Even though cussing shouldn’t be a thing to be ashamed of, he felt the need to apologize. He felt lots of needs and urges recently. He felt them when having to carry Peter to bed, and having had to dress his wounds. Just the urge to touch and caress, and make things that didn’t need to be fixed better, just to make the boy happy. That was the thing though. Peter was a boy compared to him, a young man, or at least a significantly younger man. A handsome, intelligent, well-mannered young man, that cared for Wade much more than he should. While he wouldn’t say that. He cared, he tried all this time to not care, but he’s too empathetic. Not yet harden by the world. Perhaps that’s truly what Wade wanted to protect him. Empathy is something hard to find in people nowadays.
Peter has a shitty personality, because it’s now seems so apparent, he’s being Spider-Man first and Peter second, because it’s easier. The same way that Wade is Deadpool first. It’s like a stupid and shitty defense mechanism to keep them secure around each other; predictable. Why was it so hard to tell your friend that you loved them, and maybe not even in a romantic way? Because they’d take it in a romantic way? Has it really become too weird to want to tell someone you love them, and love them so deeply that you’re never going to give them up? Ugh, why was he thinking about this right now? Isn’t his head already filled to the brim enough as it is.
You’d think right? You’d be sorely mistaken though.
Funny how even now he wants nothing more than to put and arm around Peter and just be comfortable and relaxed in the contentment of just the now. This moment of ease.
Too bad, it would turn out weird because he can’t verbally communicate with him without blurting out an inappropriate joke. A badly timed and not actually funny joke, that not even he would laugh at.
More than anything, he wants to able to just carry on a conversation like normal people would, but the only “normal conversations” he has are all in his head. Like this conversation, with himself right now. All his thoughts and feelings converging into a moment of calm to make it so he can’t actually be calm. Just his luck.
Oh well, maybe life will surprise him and things will take a turn for the better. Who knows? Maybe he actually, finally, get a kiss.