His Troubles
We sat across from each other in a small cafe down the street from Steve's apartment. He hadn't said anything since he suggested going somewhere public to meet. I didn't try to hide my questioning gaze as I let my eyes rake over his body. I knew what it felt like to have those lips on mine now. What Steve and I had done back then had been forbidden; a secret between the two of us. I still don't know if he did it because of love or lust but I know that I had loved him once. I couldn't stop wanting to touch him, to see if the years we had been apart changed how he tasted, how he felt.
And that was starting to get on my nerves. What we had done had been unthinkable back then, but now? What did he want? Did he want to fuck or have a relationship? Even if he did I wasn't sure I still wanted either of those. I couldn't stop my physical reaction to him now that I had these damn memories back and I couldn't even stay angry that he made me feel this way.
He smiled over the rim of his coffee at me and I almost saw stars. He sat back in his chair and had one leg throw over the other in a careless way that managed to somehow look elegant. His body had changed so much from when we first start our "relationship" but the curve of his jaw was the same. His eyes were that same sparkling blue that reminded me of a water fountain in the middle of July. He was just as perfect as the day I lost him.
But I'm as broken as the day I left Hydra. I had my memories now, that was reassuring. At least I didn't stay up at night anymore wondering who I was and who the man was that haunted me. I knew. He still wanted me; as a friend or a lover, I had no idea. I could feel his honesty, not that I could remember him every being dishonest. I was broken and he was still perfect. He had found a life without me, he didn't need to be protected. Hell, he probably had a dame back home waiting for him. He didn't need me. I'm a broken weapon, obsolete, out-dated.
Steve Rogers doesn't need me anymore.
"Don't look for me this time." I said numbly as I set my coffee down.
"Bucky?" I watched his blue eyes widen in alarm. He would be fine, I just had to rip this off like a band-aid. He didn't need me.
"I'm going to walk out that door and you are not going to follow me. If you do I will force you to leave, even with the civilians here." I closed my eyes and the lives of all those people that the Asset had taken flashed through my mind again. They had been fueling my nightmares for over a year now. I focused on how I had hurt them. I was too dangerous, too broken, and Steve didn't need me. I shouldn't have come in the first place.
"Okay." I jerked my head back up and our eyes met. I felt my chest constrict as I saw the pain and the resignation written on his face. "I'll wait, Buck, I swear I will. I've waited this long, I can wait longer. You do what you need to." No, no. He wasn't getting it. I could feel the anger rising in me. I had to leave. If I had an episode int the middle of all these people- If Steve saw me like that-
I grabbed his chin with my metal had, the glove creaking slightly.
"Don't wait for me." I ground out. I pushed through the crowd until I got to the alleys, and then I ran. I ran for a while until eventually I was at the apartment I had been living in and collapsed, on the crappy couch the previous residents had left behind. I had spent two hours running around earlier, making sure no one followed me earlier and all I wanted was sleep. Maybe the nightmares wouldn't be so bad tonight.