The Winter Soldier is an Evil-Minded Rat Bastard and other obscure tips for the Winter Soldier maintenance process as penned by James Barnes, Esq.

1)      THE WINTER SOLDIER HAS ONLY ONE SETTING: ALL SYSTEMS GO.

2)      THE WINTER SOLDIER DOES NOT HAVE A FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT RESPONSE. THERE IS ONLY FIGHT.

         A)      IN THE EVENT OF RETREAT, YOU MAY NEED TO BODILY REMOVE THE WINTER SOLDIER FROM THE FRAY.

3)      THE WINTER SOLDIER IS AN EVIL-MINDED RAT BASTARD.

         A)      HE WILL CHEAT AT POKER LIKE A SON OF A BITCH.

         B)      HE WILL DRINK YOU UNDER THE TABLE.

         C)       HE WILL RECRUIT YOU INTO HIS TERRIBLE CRUSADES.

                   I)        HE WILL WITHHOLD HOW TERRIBLE HIS CRUSADES ARE UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.

         D)      HE WILL PICK FIGHTS WITH ANYTHING UP TO AND INCLUDING NAZI TANKS ARMED WITH ADVANCED HYDRA WEAPONRY.

4)      THE WINTER SOLDIER HAS NO CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SAFETY OR ADEQUATE SELF-MAINTENANCE.

          A)      SEE ABOVE.

5)      THE WINTER SOLDIER WILL THROW AWAY HIS GODFORSAKEN SHIELD MID-BATTLE FOR NO GODDAM REASON.

         A)      IT’S NOT A FUCKING BOOMERANG, ROGERS. JEEEZUS.

6)      THE WINTER SOLDIER ACTUALLY THINKS DIGITAL WRISTWATCHES ARE PRETTY NEAT.

7)      THE WINTER SOLDIER, DESPITE BEING ABLE TO SWEAR IN AT LEAST SIXTEEN LANGUAGES, WILL SELF-RIGHTEOUSLY POLICE THE FOUL LANGUAGE AROUND HIMSELF.

         A)      UNLESS MARIO KART IS INVOLVED.

8)      THE WINTER SOLDIER HAS A PATHOLOGICAL FEAR OF BEING ALONE IN A ROOM WITH INFANTS.