Simmons
“How are you today, Agent Simmons?”
“I’m fine,” she replied in a cheery voice, her lips curling up into a bright smile.
To just anyone, it would appear that she was, in fact, fine. But Andrew could see right through her facade. Her voice was just a little too high, her smile a little too tight. Her hands were fidgeting restlessly in her lap, and every part of her body was tense.
“Are you sure?” he asked, observing how her face automatically set back into a slightly troubled frown.
“Of course!” Simmons replied. “There’s no reason I wouldn’t be.”
Andrew tilted his head to the side and gave a little sigh. “You and I both know that’s not true, Agent Simmons.”
“Please, call me Jemma,” she responded, avoiding his statement. “Agent Simmons sounds so formal. We’re all practically on a first name basis here anyway, and I’m starting to prefer my first name. It doesn’t sound as stuffy and official as “Agent Simmons”. I suppose you could also call me Simmons if you like. That’s what they use to call me…” Her talking ceased as she noticed his scrutinizing gaze.
“I’m rambling, aren’t I?” she asked quietly, nervously tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.
“Yes,” Andrew replied. “But that’s alright. I prefer that you ramble rather than not talk to me at all.”
“Oh, not talking has never been an issue for me. Most of the time, people can’t seem to get me to shut up,” she laughed breathlessly.
“So have you talked to someone about what happened in the pod?”
Simmons’ eyes widened, and she shook her head silently. “No, not really. I talked a little about it to Bobbi, but only about one thing.”
“When Fitz admitted his feelings for you?”
Her face paled, and she looked at him in confusion. “How did you…?” Her features relaxed as it dawned on her. “You talked to Fitz already.”
“Yes. He explained what happened to me in great detail.” Andrew replied, curious as to how she would take that bit of information.
“Well at least he wants to talk to someone about what happened down there,” she muttered, traces of bitterness in her voice.
“What was that?”
“Oh… Nothing. It’s just….” She folded her arms across her stomach, holding herself tightly. “I approached him to talk about what he said in the pod before he went on his last mission. It’s come to my attention that maybe… maybe we need to discuss what he said rather than avoid it. He… he wasn’t very eager to talk to me about it.”
“And why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know.”
“Jemma,” Andrew sighed, looking directly at her. “You’re a smart woman. You have 2 PHD’s.”
“Yes, but neither of them are in psychology!” she exclaimed, exasperated. “Maybe if they were, I could understand him better. I’d be able to understand myself more.”
“And why do you feel like you don’t understand yourself?” Andrew questioned, her obvious agitation concerning him.
Simmons closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them, she had that fake smile plastered on her face again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. And I certainly didn’t mean to say that I don’t understand myself. I know who I am. I’m Dr. Jemma Simmons, Biochemist and head of the S.H.I.E.L.D. science division. I understand myself perfectly.”
Andrew put aside his pen and paper and leaned towards her, his eyes earnest and voice serious. “In my experience, patients don’t say things that they don’t mean. So I’m going to ask you again. And this time, don’t try to give me the fake excuse and calm outer shell you give everyone else. I need you to be honest with me, Jemma. Tell me what you mean when you say you don’t understand yourself.”
She stared at him for a moment, her arms tense and her bottom lip quivering. Then, with her eyes glassy, she whispered, “Everything I know has changed. Including myself. The people I love… they’re either dead, or hurt, or… different. I can’t…. I can’t protect them from the things and the people we have to face now. I mean, I’ve never been one for fighting, but I… I’ve always been able to help the people around me. And now…as hard as I try… I’m just not good enough, or strong enough, or smart enough for anything anymore.” She folded her hands in front of her, squeezing them together until her knuckles turned white.
“Why do you think that?” Andrew asked, his concern for the young scientist growing.
“Because everything is going wrong!” she exclaimed, the tears beginning to leak down her face.
“I was undercover at Hydra, and I was trying to help Coulson. I thought I was doing some good. And then I messed that up, and my cover was blown, and I was so scared. I thought I was going to die, but then Bobbi was there, and she got me out. And then I got to go home. And I thought… I thought that when I came back, things would be okay. But they were just worse,” she sobbed, her head shaking back and forth. “Fitz… he hated me. He felt like I betrayed him. And I honestly can’t blame him. I… I left him when he needed me. But only because I made him worse,” she explained, her cheeks dripping with tears. “After he woke up…. he couldn’t talk. He couldn’t find what he wanted to say. His hands shook, and…. everything was hard for him. And it only seemed to get harder when I was around. I knew I couldn’t stay. He would never get better if I was there to finish all his sentences and coddle him.” She took a deep breath, attempting to steady her shaky voice and speak around the large lump in her throat. “So… I left. I didn’t tell him where I was going, or for how long... Do you know how hard that was for me? To walk away from the person I love most in the world. I was supposed to be able to help him, but all I did was make him worse!”
Andrew nodded his head in sympathy, knowing exactly what that felt like.
“When I got back…he couldn’t even look at me,” she said, her face displaying all the emotions she had been keeping pent up for the last year. “I… I disgusted him. It took us months to even be able to speak to each other. I thought my life was finally going to get better. And then…. and then Trip died!” she wailed, a new round of tears furiously making their way down her face. “I didn’t know him for long, but he was such a… such a good man. He didn’t deserve to die. And he was in fragments! I… I had to watch them scoop what was left of him off of the ground with a shovel!” she managed to choke out before succumbing to the sobs that were shaking her body. Andrew wanted to comfort her, but he knew there was more she had to say. It was important that she finally let out everything she had been keeping bottled up for so long.
Once Jemma’s sobs had subsided, she took a deep breath and continued.
“And after that, Skye…. she… changed, and I made her hate me because I wanted to fix her. I wanted her to be like she was, because her new powers scared me. I didn’t understand what had happened to her. It was so…. destructive and… terrifying. I just wanted to eradicate it, so things could go back to the way they were,” she admitted quietly. “But I know now that they can’t. I’ve spent so long being scared about everything. And that fear... it turned into hatred. I… I hated Ward for what he did to me and Fitz. And if I’m being honest, I still do. It’s his fault that Fitz got hurt. It’s his fault that my life is a mess now. I hate him so much that I want to kill him. And I tried!” she exclaimed, breaking out into sobs again. “I tried, but I didn’t. Bakshi… he got in front of me… and I… I…” she stuttered, taking quick shallow breaths. “I killed him instead. He’s a monster, too, and he probably deserved it. But I wanted to kill Ward! To stop him from hurting more people. And I failed. And look at what he did to Bobbi! If I had been quicker, or stronger, I could have saved her so much pain!” she bawled, folding her arms tightly across her stomach. “But I failed her. Just like I failed everyone around me. I failed Skye, I failed Trip, I failed Coulson, and most of all I failed Fitz!” Simmons was rocking back and forth now, her breathing erratic and her eyes wild. “Everyone I love gets hurt, and it’s all my fault. All I ever do is hurt the people around me,” she gasped. Her eyes were now screwed shut, and she appeared to be having a complete emotional breakdown. Sobs continued to shake her tiny frame as she curled into herself more tightly. Andrew knew he couldn’t let this go on any longer, and he rushed to the woman’s side.
“Jemma,” he soothed, pulling her out of her chair and into his lap. She tried to pull away, but he put both of his strong arms around her and forced her to stop rocking. “None of what has happened is your fault. All of these terrible things… You couldn’t have stopped them.”
“Yes I could!” she whimpered, continuing to resist his embrace. “I could have swam faster to save Fitz. I could have figured a different way out of the pod. I could have given him the oxygen. I could have stopped Trip and Skye from going into that temple. I could have… I could have killed Ward when I had the chance,” she practically howled, stuttering towards the end.
“Jemma, none of those things would have helped anyone. And killing Ward isn’t the answer,” Andrew said firmly. “And I think deep down, you know that.” She slumped against him in reply, taking deep, shuddering breaths.
“I killed someone,” she whispered, the agony in her voice evident. “And I have nightmares about it every time I close my eyes. I see him dying in front of me, and Trip in fragments, and Fitz… Fitz looking at me with so much hatred and disappointment.”
Andrew cradled her closer and began to stroke her hair. In his arms, he saw just how young Jemma actually was. She looked more like a scared, broken little girl than the mature, composed woman she showed the world every day.
“Shhhh,” he soothed. “It’s okay. You can get through this, Jemma. I’ll help you get through this.”
“Andrew,” she whimpered, her voice raw and shaking as the tears continued to stream down her face. “I look in the mirror every morning, and I don’t recognize the person in front of me. Somewhere along the way, I lost the woman I was.”
She looked up at him with defeated, tear filled eyes.
“Can you help me find her again?”