Bucky being back had changed things. Some things, Steve had gotten used to doing on his own. Little things he hadn’t realized he did alone, until Bucky came. Brushing his teeth alone, getting ready for missions alone, sleeping alone. Trivial things that meant nothing to him before, and everything now. Now, he’d watch Bucky’s reflection in the mirror as they stood in the mornings maneuvering their way around each other in the bathroom. Now, he’d help Bucky tighten the straps of his new uniform across his back and Bucky would hand him his shield right before they left. Now, Bucky would find his way into Steve’s room in the middle of the night and curl up next to him, and they’d both be hesitant to be the one who left first the next morning. The others tiptoed around them, uncertain whether they should ask questions about the two of them. Steve would always burn red whenever Natasha burst into his room where he and Bucky were lying on the bed, filling each other in on things they’d missed. Bucky’s eyes would drop when Tony walked into the kitchen just as he was tying an apron around a protesting Steve. Their laughs after they kissed for the first time would lessen, and when Pietro sped past them and stopped, asking with a half-smile what the joke was, Wanda came in time to stop their stuttering and lead her brother away, giggling as Pietro objected in confusion.
After the first week Bucky was back, Steve couldn’t imagine a time where Bucky wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night screaming for him, his lost eyes widening when he realized he was safe. But Steve was wrong. Bucky had gradually healed. Eventually, his night terrors only came a few times a week, and then a few times a month. Steve and Bucky both supposed it was because he wasn’t being tortured anymore, and maybe he’d had enough time to patch himself up, but the others saw Bucky going into Steve’s room every night, and they knew.
Their first kiss was a normal day, when they were standing around talking about something completely ridiculous that neither of them could remember after, and Bucky, on impulse, had leaned in and brushed his lips against a stunned Steve. Bucky pushed away, hesitating and questioning everything, but Steve had leant in to reach him and their lips were colliding with bruising pressure as their hands hurriedly gripped onto each other’s clothes. And after that day, everything seemed to make sense. The only thing that worried Steve was telling the others. He was almost certain they wouldn’t have a problem with it, but there was something about saying it aloud that made it real, that made it fragile. And fragile things could be broken too easily.
‘You ready, Buck?’ Steve asked, biting his bottom lip nervously. Everything inside him was doubtful, full of fear that Hydra would find out, and they could finally take someone Captain America loved with a guarantee that he’d do anything to get him back.
‘Ready, Stevie.’ Bucky was biting back a smile. He looked more comfortable than Steve could remember, in grey tracksuits and his messy hair in a bun. But aside from that, he was grinning, and it was the brightness of his eyes that made Steve’s heart hurt. They’d come so far. And they were going to go further, as far as they could, just because they could.
They left their room and despite his nervousness, Steve made his way to the where he’d told the others to all meet, Bucky behind him.
They entered the living room, where Tony, Bruce and Wanda were lounging on the big red couch across from the smaller one Natasha lay on, her legs dangling over the armrest. Thor was leaning against the dining table impatiently and Pietro was a blur spinning in a chair as Wanda rolled her eyes at him from where she sat, recalling the last time he did it and how sick he’d felt.
‘Finally.’ Tony’s voice was unimpressed as he saw them walking in. ‘You know, if I’d wanted to waste time waiting for someone I’d call Barton. Oh wait . . .’ He paused, his eyebrows raised as Clint rushed in from the door opposite.
‘Sorry, sorry.’ He was panting and Natasha eyed him with a grin as she sat up straight. Clint sat on the armrest of her chair and looked around the room, apparently making sure they were all there. He looked at Steve and Bucky, and then Steve again with a tilt of his head, taking in his apprehension. ‘What did you want to talk about?’
Steve took in a shaky breath and looked to Bucky, who nodded encouragingly. ‘We, uh . . .’
Tony interrupted, looking to his nails. ‘Honestly, how long is this gonna take cause I’ve got a meeting in about ten minutes with Pepper – ’
‘You have a meeting with your girlfriend?’ Bruce asked incredulously.
Tony smirked. ‘Well, not the type of meeting you have in –’
‘Ugh, enough.’ Natasha made a disgusted face.
Tony turned to her with raised eyebrows. ‘You can talk, we all know about you and Barton sneaking off together – ’
‘Stark.’ Clint started in a warning voice but Natasha had to duck her head to hide her grin.
Thor shook his head at them in mock exasperation as he went to the sink to get a glass of water, leaning on the bench as he drank.
‘What’s this about?’ Wanda asked, her accent thick.
‘We have something we want to tell you.’ Bucky interjected before Steve could stutter anything.
Pietro stopped spinning at the sound of his important tone and his eyes unfocussed and focussed as he tried to stop swaying in his chair.
‘Oh?’ Tony indulged them in a curious tone.
Steve looked at Bucky, who gave a small smile. His heart pounded against his ribs. This was it, everything was about to change and they couldn’t take it back once they’d said it. After this, everything would be real.
‘We’re . . .’
And when Bucky saw Steve couldn’t get the words out, he reached out impulsively and grabbed his hand, their fingers gripping each other’s tightly.
Steve waited for Tony’s eyebrows to raise higher, for Pietro to lose balance and fall off his chair, for Bruce to look to the others in question. But all that happened was Clint looked to Natasha and leaned in, saying ‘pay up, Romanoff’ with a smirk.
‘That’s it?’ Pietro asked with a disappointed expression. ‘We all know you two are fuc-’
‘Pietro!’ Wanda shot her brother a look and he shrugged nonchalantly .
Steve looked to each of their faces, all neutral apart from Bruce, who was trying to appear somewhat surprised.
‘Games up, Banner, he’s figured it out.’ Tony said dryly.
Steve’s nervousness hadn’t dulled, though. ‘You mean you’ve figured it out.’ Bucky’s fingers flexed around Steve’s, his amused expression unwavering. Thor shrugged with a chuckle that said obviously.
Tony considered him for a moment before flicking his eyes to the clock and standing up. ‘Well, it’s been great, a real pleasure, now if you’ll excuse me . . .’ his voice trailed off as he left the room, Bruce, Clint and Thor following him, who patted him on the shoulder as he walked past.
There was a stunned silence, then Steve asking, ‘did everyone know?’
Natasha shrugged, pulling herself off the couch and stretching. ‘It was Sam who started it all. And then everyone kind of figured it out, really.’
Silence. ‘You had a bet on it?’ Steve asked in disbelief.
‘Clint and I were trying to guess when you’d tell us.’ Natasha said casually as she tied her hair up. Bucky gave a low laugh but Steve was still too jittery to answer. What was it? Nerves? Or something else?
‘Well, this has been fun.’ There was a hint of playfulness in Pietro’s tone as he darted up and to the door, winking at the both of them before speeding out in a silvery blur. Wanda followed, smiling the same smile at them she had when Pietro had unknowingly interrupted them kissing.
Natasha was watching Steve with interest and Bucky hastily muttered and excuse and left. Nat watched him leave, before saying, ‘it wasn’t about telling us, was it?’
Steve looked at her, his hands shaking slightly. ‘What?’
Natasha smiled one of her knowing smiles. ‘You’re not anxious about telling us. It’s something else, right?’
Steve looked behind her out the window, to the golden sunshine that spilled onto the grass just outside. ‘Yeah, it’s about something else.’
‘You don’t have to tell me.’ She said quickly. ‘But I think I can guess.’
Steve waited, trying to calm his racing heart, but memories of past hurts, past almosts, made him all the more scared.
‘You weren’t scared of telling us. You were scared of making it real.’ Natasha started, not bothering to wait for Steve’s affirmation because she knew she was right. ‘It’s the realest thing there’s ever gonna be. I know it scares the hell out of you and I know that it was real, all those years ago before the war with Bucky. I know it was real with Peggy, too. Both those chances were taken away from you.’
Somewhere deep inside Steve hurt with the accuracy of her words. A dull pain, right in his heart.
‘But now, you get another chance with the one you were meant to be with. So stop being so scared of it, Steve.’ She titled her head, considering him. ‘It’s the best thing in the world.’ She said before she walked out, leaving him alone.
And she was so right. He was scared that his chances had all gone, that all his memories were only meant to stay memories and that he wasn’t supposed to start again with one of them. But Bucky wasn’t a memory anymore. And even though the thought of losing him hurt so much, Steve knew that it’d hurt much more if he detached himself from it all.
So he didn’t. And that night, when he climbed into bed and Bucky did the same a few hours later, their broken bodies were able to curl up against each other, their tired hearts pounding against their ribs, like they were trying to move closer together.