Skye wished that it was easy. It should be easy. Everything that had happened between her and Grant Ward had been a total lie. Lies were common. She had been dealing with them for her whole life, and she thought that she had gotten pretty good at brushing them off at this point. In fact, she could usually brush off the truth as well when she heard it. People had always told her, especially A.C., how they admired how she was able to brush things off easily. She had always been confused by that. She didn’t see it as a talent, she just had never really seen the reason for making such a big deal out of things she couldn’t control like when someone was lying to her or when she found out the truth about someone or something.
So why couldn’t she shake that stupid, bastard, traitor Grant Ward?
It was bad enough that he still remained in her thoughts during his waking hours. She found herself often staring at the feed from Vault D when she wasn’t working and without Simmons or Fitz, who was still recovering, to talk to, her visits to the feed had only gotten worse. Now though, even the dumb asshole had to haunt her dreams as well with his dumb soft lips and the way it had felt when he held her close at Providence. Skye let out a sigh, knowing that those dreams usually wouldn’t let her sleep again at night, and after a moment’s hesitation, she reached over, reaching into her bedside table and pulling out a small photograph. She kept it hidden under her underwear because she knew that no one would ever have any reason to look there other than her. Not that any of them suspected she would be hiding a picture of Grant Ward in her drawer. After all, she had been putting up such a strong front of hating the guy to everyone else, no one would suspect it, and she didn’t pull it out really that often at all. Only when she just couldn’t shake the image from her mind, and just … felt like she needed it. Tonight was apparently one of those nights.
It wasn’t a picture that had been taken with a camera. Well, not an actual hand held camera that people normally took pictures off of. It was actually a picture from one of the Bus’s security system cameras that she had screen shot and saved. She had been looking back through the security footage of the day trying to find out who had stolen her coffee mug that morning when she saw it. She wondered how she hadn’t noticed it that day. She wondered if she had always been that oblivious around Ward, and the way he looked at her. They were standing around the holotable while Fitzsimmons had been showing them some YouTube video that he had seen recently that they had found hilarious. Now Skye couldn’t even remember what it was about. Fitzsimmons had been standing on the opposite side of the table, where the camera wasn’t facing, but Grant and Skye had been facing the camera. Skye had her head thrown back in laughter, leaning against Ward’s chest, her eyes closed. Ward on the other hand was not laughing, of course, but there was a smile on his face, a full smile complete with dimples, but he wasn’t looking at the video, no, he was looking down at her, his hand barely brushing her outer arm, and the expression on his face that she made her heart flutter stupidly even now.
It was all fake. She kept telling herself. The way he smiled at her, the way he looked at her, it had always been a game to him. One that she was not interested in playing or learning about. When she looked at a picture like that though … she couldn’t help but think that maybe it wasn’t as fake as she knew it had to be. Which just made her head swim more in confusion.
When she wasn’t thinking about how fake this all had to have been, she couldn’t stop her mind from wondering about how things could have been. How much different it would all be if Ward had chosen them. Had chosen his team and … her over Garrett. They could have stayed at Providence, doing some more drinking and talking and … well she definitely wouldn’t been opposed to more kissing. He could have helped them take down Hydra … take down Garrett. He could be the one training her instead of May, giving her a look every time that she made a snide little remark. He could be the one always getting mother hen’d by Simmons whenever they returned from a mission instead of Trip. Who knows? He could have been lying in bed with her right now, holding her in those arms that had always made her feel safe, and reassuring her that no one could get her. Skye pulled her knees up to her chest, putting the picture down as she buried her face in his arms. She just hated how she couldn’t get him out of her head.
——————–
Skye knew that the day would come eventually that Coulson would ask her to go down and get information from Grant. She had overheard Coulson talking to May one night saying that Ward had offered to give information, as long as he could give that information to Skye. Coulson didn’t want to expose her to him again, and it made her wonder if she wasn’t playing off this hatred thing as well as she thought. What Coulson didn’t know though was that Skye had already been sneaking down to see Grant for weeks now. It’s not like it had actually been hard to figure out how to work the tablet or figure out the keypad on the door. Not to mention since she was seeing him late at night, all she had to do was loop the footage from previous recordings over and over, switching them up every once in a while of course, and no one was wiser. She had wanted answers, but more than that, she had just wanted to see him. She had just wanted to try and understand, even though she denied over and over to herself that she didn’t care but … to this day she still hadn’t asked the questions that she had wanted to hear. She knew that Ward was waiting for her to ask, but he never asked her why she was there or why she hadn’t. In the beginning it had been because he couldn’t, fractured larynx and all, but since he had gotten his voice. They never talked about missions. Skye never talked about what he had done, and Ward never did either. In fact, all they did was, as stupid as it sounded, play board games. Skye would talk about whatever things had been happening around the base. Stupid things mostly, nothing about work, and Ward would mostly listen. In fact he hardly ever did anything except maybe voice his next move or respond in brief sentences to a question she might ask. Other than that, he just pretty much stared at her as if waiting for her to launch across the room and attack him which even though she knew that was something she should probably do, it still broke her heart just a little bit more. It seemed like sometimes he didn’t even want her there, and she knew she should stop the visits, but every few nights, she finds herself back in the vault with a new board game.
This is the first night she goes down without one.
“Why me?” was the first thing out of Skye’s mouth as she stared over at Ward, her arms crossed protectively over her heart, as if the barrier could stop it from still fluttering ridiculously.
Ward looked up at her from where he was perched on his bed, but didn’t say anything.
“Why did you tell Coulson you’d only give information to me? It’s not exactly like you’re Mr. Chatty while I’m here in the first place.” She asked again, wishing she could look away because sometimes the way he looked at her was just too much.
“You’ve never asked,” he answered simply. His voice still had a touch of hoarseness to it. He hadn’t used it much since it had been fractured.
“Yeah, well, I have a lot of questions that I’ve never asked.” Skye said, turning her head to the side for a moment. She couldn’t look at his face; she didn’t want to see the expression there. “I’m not sure I want to know the answer to them.” She added on.
“You probably don’t,” Ward admitted.
It was almost like his words could actually cut right through her, and she had to visibly fight back a wince. “You’re right,” she replied, still unable to look at him. “I definitely don’t need any more lies. I’ve about had my quota for a lifetime I think.”
“I wouldn’t lie to you.” He spoke up quickly.
At his words Skye let out a scoff, turning back to face him, an expression of disbelief clearly written across her face. “Oh right, because you were so honest to me before.”
Ward stood up from his bed and walked over to her slowly, giving her plenty of time to get up and run if she wanted to. She didn’t want to though. For once she had actually wanted to stay around and hear some answers. “I was the most honest with you Skye. I lied to you about my loyalties, but everything with you, all that I told you at Providence …” Skye bit her lip at the mention of their time alone at the base. “Everything was true.”
“Why should I believe that, Ward? What proof have you given me?!” Skye asked, throwing her arms down in frustration. They had this conversation before, back on the bus when he was trying to convince her to unlock the drive. It hadn’t worked so well for him then, and she didn’t know why she was still standing around waiting to hear the same thing again.
“Because I haven’t tried to escape, even though you and I both know that I could.” He answered, stepping so close to her that the light from the barrier started glowing. “Because of the intel I’ve given you so far, none of it has been bad. Because you know me Skye,” He said, looking deep into her eyes with those golden amber ones of his, making her want to flinch away from the emotion in them.
“I don’t know you. I thought I did … Until I found Koenig’s body dripping blood in a closet,” she hissed at him.
“You know me, Skye, and you know why I want to only give information to you. You’re the only reason I’m still here. I’d stay here for the rest of my life if it meant getting to see you every once in a while.” Ward told her.
“Stop it,” Skye said, shaking her head as she stepped back, trying to fight back the tears in her eyes. She would not let him see how emotional he still made her. “Just … stop it.”
Momentarily, Skye saw a brief flicker of emotion in his eyes that almost looked like regret, but it was gone in a blink, and he had slowly stepped back, walking back over to his bed, and sitting down. Skye knew that this meeting was over.
She started walking back up the stairs. She was halfway up them when she heard him speak again. “I’d take it back you know. I regret what I did. If I had known what would have happened … If I had known you -”
“You did know me, and you knew I felt something for you, so sorry Ward. You can’t say stuff like that and expect me to believe it. I’m moving on.” She said simply, and it was true. Just last week she had gone on a date with a S.H.I.E.L.D. scientist who had been visiting the Playground every once in a while. She knew there was nothing there. It wasn’t going to go anywhere while Ward was still so fully on her mind, but she wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to feel just a little bit of hurt for what he had done to her heart.
She didn’t have to wait but a moment for his response. “Good,” he said, no emotion in his voice, and she wasn’t going to turn to see if there was any on his face. “You deserve someone who makes you happy.”
Skye couldn’t stop the words that left her lips even though she wanted to. “Yeah, and that could have been you.” She told him right before closing the Vault door.
————–
Skye had never expected to be in this position ever again. Not since the day that Ward had been turned over to his brother and went on the run. She couldn’t even remember what her thoughts had been the moment she had looked across the room at her dad’s office, first seeing Coulson for a moment before being completely distracted by the man behind him. She couldn’t believe that Coulson was working with Ward, and she had no idea why. She still wasn’t total sure why Ward was the only choice, but now here she was, standing next to him and waiting for him to open the door and have her back. It felt too much like old times, just like he had said.
The main part of her was focused on getting Lincoln back though. He had done so much for her, and she had to make sure that he was safe and got back to Afterlife. He was her friend, and she wasn’t going to abandon him. Once Lincoln was safe in the medpod though, and everyone was settled in at base, Skye couldn’t help but think back on Simmon’s words. “Oh, they’re not coming,” Why? Hadn’t Ward been starting to work on redeeming himself? Isn’t that what he had meant in his little speech that he had given all of them? He was trying to make up for what he had done? Why had he given up so easily? Skye decided that she needed a walk, maybe find her computer that she had left here and do some hacking. Of course, that’s when she overheard Coulson talking on the phone, and it didn’t take long for her to realize who he was talking to.
It also didn’t take long for her to track where Coulson’s phone call had come from once she had lifted it from him, and it didn’t take long to send a call herself. “Who is this?” He answered, confusion filling his tone.
“What are you doing?” Skye replied, ignoring his question.
“Skye …” She knew he would recognize her voice.
“You get on the bus, give us this big old speech about how you regret that you broke the team apart, and then when you have the chance to rejoin it, you just skip off?” Skye tried not to let her emotions leak into her tone, but no matter how much May had taught her to control her reactions, Ward always managed to get her heart rate pumping.
“Only if I went through the Tahiti program,” Ward told her.
Okay, well she hadn’t known that. “I could talk to Coulson -”
“Simmons tried to kill me, Skye.” Ward interrupted her.
“What?” Skye repeated after taking the moment of silence she needed to process his words.
“Simmons came after me with a splinter bomb. Bakshi got in the way, and that’s why I didn’t come back. Obviously none of you are interested in ever letting me be a part of the team again. Which I don’t blame you guys for. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
“Don’t start with that self-pity bullshit again, Ward,” Skye replied. “I … I don’t know what’s going on with Simmons. A couple of weeks ago she was all for eradicating the epidemic of Inhumans, which, in case you haven’t noticed, includes me,” she said quietly. “But you know, she’s -”
“Was there a point to this conversation or were you just calling to talk more about how you wish you had shot me again, or how I need to stop blaming people for everything I’ve done even though I’ve told you multiple times -”
“I want you to stop whining about what happened to you and do something about it.” Skye told him honestly. “You say you regret breaking the team up. You say you regret ruining this. Did you mean it?”
It only took him a moment to respond, “Of course I did.”
“Then do something about it,” Skye told him, and she would have hung up then if he hadn’t spoken up.
“That guy … the one you wanted to save … is that who you’ve moved on with?” He asked her, and she could her the caution in his voice, she could hear just how much he didn’t want to ask or know the answer to that question.
Skye nibbled on her bottom lip, shaking her head slightly. “That’s something you should try and find out when you get here. Who knows, maybe if you come back, I’ll show you more about what happened in Puerto Rico.” Skye replied, a small smile forming on her lips as she remembered his words.
“Which you should still thank me for,” Ward added, and she could just see that little smirk on his face just like she had seen before when he had seen her powers for the first time.
She rolled her eyes even though she knew he couldn’t see her. “In your dreams, Ward,” she said before hanging up.
A few days later, Skye was there to witness Ward’s return.
———-
It was late when she found herself wandering around the Playground, covered in some shorts and an overlarge hoodie that she had found on the bus ages ago. She still had no idea who it belonged to, but she guessed it had been Tripp’s. Either way, it was warm and comfortable and that’s what she needed right now. She needed something familiar to help her not break. Her mind was still torn with images from the day, saying goodbye to her father, watching as he walked away even though she knew it was the last time that he would ever remember her. She knew it was the right thing to do though. He didn’t deserve to have the memory of what he had to do hanging over him for the rest of his life even though it was kind of ironic considering the whole reason that he had killer her mother was that she wouldn’t have the memory hanging over her, while now she was the only one who could remember how he had killed his wife for his daughter.
Her throat burned as another wave of the scotch she was drinking made its way into her system. Skye had never exactly been a big drinker, even though she had drank enough to know when and where her limit was, but it seemed like the occasion called for it. Skye thought that maybe the drinking would help her forget … or at least clear her mind, but really it was only making things worse. All she could see was her mom’s face … and then her dad’s and all she could think about was … how could she have let this happen? Was there something she could have done differently? She ran a frustrated hand through her hair as her gaze settled on a door just a few doors down from where she was right now. It wouldn’t take much for her to make her way over there. She knew it was a bad idea, but some would say that her judgement’s been pretty shot for months now, so why not make another mistake while she was at it?
She stumbled off the stool she had been sitting in, having to grip the side of the table to make sure that she didn’t fall, taking a moment to steady herself and get her bearings before she made her way over to the door. Skye didn’t knock. What was the point anyway? Skye had never been one for boundaries in the first place, and he knew that.
Skye watched his face twist in confusion as he came out of his sleep, the light from the bus illuminating his face. “Skye?” He asked in a hoarse voice, still half asleep.
What was she doing? Even in her drunken state she now knew this was a bad idea. She hadn’t forgiven him yet, not in the slightest, and turning to him in a time like this, looking for comfort, was not a good idea. Not at all, and anyone on the team would tell her that right now. The words stumbled from her lips though before she could stop them. “I – uh, I just … I thought you would understand.” She faltered slightly at the end, already stepping away from him.
“Skye, wait -”
She looked back at him and bit her lip as she noticed his hand, the silver tracking bracelet shining on his wrist, was held out towards her. It was a peace offering, and it would have to be her choice, and she looked at his expression as he held it out to her. There was barely a hint of hope in them, you had to look hard, and Skye wondered for a moment if she was only seeing what she wanted to, or if she did know him that well to see it. It was look that just tore her already broken heart into pieces because it reminded her, like all the other little things Grant had been doing lately, having her back in the field, leaving a cup of coffee outside her bedroom door like he had started to before training back before all this mess, walking on eggshells around the whole team, specifically Fitz, never speaking unless spoken to, and following orders without question no matter how much danger they might put him in, not to mention the way he had saved Coulson, Fitz, and Mack’s life by catching the Terrigan crystal, a move Skye was still trying to wrap her head around because she knew the meaning of it since he hadn’t died, either way, it reminded her that the Grant Ward she knew, the one she had insisted to him was good, was still in there, and maybe, just maybe, he actually did want to let that man out. “This doesn’t mean I forgive you,” she managed to get out, still staring into his eyes as he held his hand out towards her.
“I know,” he responded evenly, his gaze not leaving her face.
Her small hand gripped his large, rough one, and she held it for only a moment before wrapping her arms around him, burying her face into his neck. Her whole body shook as his arms slipped around her, holding her tentatively as if afraid he might break her, but she was already broken. She was too far gone. Her arms tightened and so did his, and for the first time in a long time, Skye felt like that girl who she hadn’t seen in a long time. That hacker with so many ideals and principles, but was still so lost in the search for herself. It seemed like she was all the way back to where she started after everything. “It hurts,” she told him.
“You wouldn’t be human if it didn’t.” He replied, and she felt a cautionary hand settling against the back of her head, his soothing touch brushing through her hair.
Skye bit back a crack that she wasn’t human, and neither was he. “I almost killed my mother, Ward,” Skye mumbled into his shoulder.
“You were doing it for the right reasons, Skye. She was trying to start a war. She was trying to kill you.” Ward told her.
“Is that why you did it?” Skye asked quietly, knowing that he would know what she was talking about, “for the right reasons?”
It took a moment before he responded, and when he did, he had turned his face to the side to whisper in her ear. “I thought it was,” Ward replied.
“What do you think now?” She muttered as her hands absentmindedly went into his soft hair.
She wondered if she had taken a step too far, but then she corrected herself. It wasn’t a step too far. Not anymore. At least not in her alcohol soaked mind. “It just … I thought it would make everything all right. I killed the people who had put my brother through so much torture, at the time … it felt right. It felt good.”
Skye cringed, even now, after she had almost killed her own mother, she would not be able to describe those brief moments as anything that felt good. She had no idea what Ward’s mother had put him through, but if he had felt good at that moment, she knew it had to have been bad.
“Then I just realized there were more people responsible for what had happened to me, so I thought I had to cross them off too, and the list just kept getting longer, and then I thought maybe helping someone else get their closure in a way that I couldn’t seem to might help me gain mine.” Ward continued.
“Kara,” Skye said simply. “She’s doing well, you know?”
Ward just nodded.
“You’re not though, are you?” Skye said, pulling back and rubbing her eyes to wipe away a few tears that had leaked over. Talking about Ward’s problems was a surprising relief from thinking about her own.
“We were talking about you, Skye, not me,” Ward said, pulling away from her slightly, but she held him there, forcing him to look into her eyes.
“Now we’re talking about you. Ward, I wanted you to come back. I know it’s not … the best situation in the world -”
“Skye, I have a tracking bracelet tracking every single thing I do, Fitz can’t even look at me, and I still keep looking over my shoulder waiting for Simmons to come after me with a splinter bomb at any moment. I came back because of you, but is this really any better than what I was doing before?” Ward asked her.
“Yeah, it is,” Skye insisted.
“How?” He asked in disbelief.
“You’re with me,” slipped out of her lips before she could stop it. It seemed as if the alcohol affected her brain to mouth filter a little too well, and she tried to correct herself. “I just mean, it’s nice to have you around, you know? As a specialist, to protect us, and … I still hate you, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you either.” Skye finally muttered, looking down at the ground.
A strange little smile settled on his face as he looked at her. “I know,” he said.
Confusion spread across her face at his words. “How?”
“Well … you are wearing my hoodie.” Ward answered.
Skye looked down at the hoodie she was wearing and couldn’t help but let out a laugh. Of course she would have found Ward’s hoodie and been wearing it to keep herself warm and comfortable at night. When she looked back up at Ward she found him smiling, really smiling, for the first time in a long time, and it made her heart flutter just as it always had.
Maybe now that they were like this, now that they were both just about as broken as they could be, they could find their way back to each other, and that was a thought that Skye found she didn’t mind all too much.