Self

I. The Binder

Toni paced around the room, the soft fabric of the binder crumpled in her hands. She'd been agonizing over this decision for weeks now, browsing online shops in the middle of the night, reading forum posts and articles about the pros and cons of different types of binders. And now that she had finally taken the plunge, she felt a strange mix of excitement and dread.

She'd chosen a black tank binder, the kind that promised to flatten and smooth without feeling too constricting. It looked small in her hands, but she knew from her research that it would stretch to fit. She felt a strange sense of pride holding it like it was a secret key to unlocking something about herself that had always been hidden away.

But as she heard the sound of their apartment front door opening, she felt a sudden sense of panic. She wasn't ready to share this with anyone, not even Shelby. She stuffed the binder under a pile of clothes and tried to calm her racing heart.

"Hey, baby? You home?" Shelby's voice rang out, followed by the sound of her footsteps approaching the bedroom. Toni forced a smile and tried to act casual as if everything was normal.

But as soon as Shelby stepped into the room, she froze. Her eyes widened as she took in Toni's posture, the pile of clothes on the bed, and the telltale bulge that couldn't be hidden by the loose T-shirt Toni was wearing.

"Baby? What's going on?" Shelby asked, her voice soft but insistent. Toni bit her lip, unsure of what to say. She felt exposed and vulnerable, as if all her secrets were laid bare in front of her girlfriend.

"I...I got a binder," she stammered, holding it up as proof. 

Shelby's expression softened, and she walked over to Toni, taking the binder gently from her hands.

"Is that what was under here?" she asked, nodding at the pile of clothes. Toni nodded, feeling her throat tighten. She'd always dreaded this moment. 

The moment of raw honesty. 

The moment she would have to own up to the fact that she wasn’t comfortable in her own skin.

"It's just...I don't feel right, you know?" she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I don't feel like a girl, but I don't feel like a boy either. I don't know what I am."

Shelby took her hand, rubbing her thumb soothingly over the back of it. "You don't have to know right away," she said. "It's okay to take your time to figure things out. I'm here for you, no matter what."

Toni felt a surge of overwhelming emotions, but before she could act on them, Shelby’s arms were already around her, pulling her in for a warm embrace. And she melted within Shelby’s arms, letting all of her anxiety and self-doubts drift away.

“Thanks, Bee,” Toni whispered against Shelby’s shoulder. “You’re the best.”

"You know," Shelby said, pulling back slightly. "I read online that if you want to see what it'll look like under a shirt, you should try it with a button-down. I’ve got that light blue one Spencer left last time he was here. Want me to grab one from my closet?"

Toni nodded, feeling a sudden burst of excitement. She couldn't believe how lucky she was to have Shelby in her life, to have someone who was willing to support her as she took her first few baby steps on a journey of self-discovery.

As Shelby rummaged through her closet, Toni slipped off her basketball jersey and pulled the binder over her chest, feeling the soft fabric settle into place. It felt strange but also right, like a missing puzzle piece finally clicking into place.

Shelby turned around, holding a  crisp blue button-down, and her eyes widened in surprise at the sight of Toni in the binder. 

"Wow," she breathed. 

“Is that a good wow?” Toni questioned with a hint of doubt in her voice.

"Yes, baby. It definitely is,” Shelby replied as she handed Toni the shirt. “You look incredible."

Toni couldn't help but smile at the compliment, feeling a sudden surge of pride. It was as if the binder had unlocked a part of herself that she'd been hiding away for so long.

"Thanks," she said as she buttoned up the shirt and then glanced down at her now flattened chest. "I don't know why I was so scared to try this before. It feels...right, you know?"

Shelby nodded, a look of love and admiration on her face. "I'm glad you're feeling more comfortable," she said. "And just remember, you don't have to have all the answers right away. It's okay to take your time, to explore who you are and what you want."

Toni felt a sudden sense of relief, knowing that she didn't have to figure everything out at once. She hugged Shelby tight, feeling a sense of gratitude for the love and support that she'd found in her girlfriend.

“I love you,” Toni said with an ear-to-ear grin. 

“You too.” Shelby then slipped her arm around Toni’s and gave it a squeeze. “Now, c’mon. I wanna go show off my smokin’ hot girlfriend on the quad.”

And Toni blushed as her heart swelled with nothing but an abundance of love and admiration for the woman that she was lucky enough to call her girlfriend.

II. The Haircut

Toni stood outside the barbershop, her heart pounding in her chest. She'd been thinking about this for weeks now, ever since she'd tried on the binder and realized how much more comfortable she felt with a flatter chest. But she had always hesitated to take that next step. To chop off her long hair and embrace a more masculine look.

Now, as she stared at the neon sign above the door, she felt a sudden surge of determination. She was tired of hiding who she was, of pretending to be someone she wasn't. It was time to take the plunge.

As she pushed open the door, the scent of aftershave and hair gel filled her nostrils. She walked up to the counter, feeling a little self-conscious under the gaze of the other patrons, mostly men with short haircuts.

"I need a haircut," she said, her voice a little shaky. The barber behind the counter nodded, motioning for her to take a seat in one of the empty chairs.

"What kind of cut are you looking for?" he asked, pulling Toni’s ponytail holder out and running a hand over her long hair. Toni hesitated, feeling a sudden wave of uncertainty. She'd practiced saying the words in her head a million times, but now that she was faced with actually saying them out loud, she felt tongue-tied.

"I...I don't know," she said, feeling her cheeks flush with embarrassment. The barber nodded understandingly, sensing her hesitation.

"That's okay," he said, his voice gentle. "Let's start by taking off some of the length, and then we can go from there, okay?"

Toni nodded, feeling only slightly more at ease. 

The barber draped a cape around Toni, securing it tightly around her neck, and then reached for his scissors and comb. “I’m going to take it up to your collarbone.”

Toni nodded again, unable to find her words. 

As the barber began to snip away at her hair, she watched in the mirror, feeling a mixture of relief and apprehension. It was so strange to see herself with shorter hair after spending her entire life with long hair. Watch as the strands fell away, leaving her neck exposed and vulnerable. 

But as the barber made more progress, Toni finally began to relax. She could feel the weight of her hair lifting away, along with some of the weight of her own insecurities.

As he finished up, leaving Toni’s hair just barely grazing her collarbone, he turned to her with a smile. "So, what’d you think?" he asked. Toni looked at herself in the mirror, feeling a sudden sense of freedom. It was as if she'd shed a layer of herself, leaving behind something that had been holding her back.

But it wasn’t quite right. Not yet.

"I...I want it shorter," she said her voice barely above a whisper. The barber nodded, a look of understanding on his face. "How short?" he asked.

Toni hesitated, knowing that this was the moment of truth. She wanted to ask for a buzzcut but was too terrified of the reaction she might get.

But as she looked at the man in front of her, his eyes kind and non-judgmental, she felt a sudden surge of determination. 

It was now or never.

"Short… Um, like a buzzcut," she said, her voice as steady as possible given the situation. “I just don’t want to look feminine anymore.”

 The barber nodded. "I get you," he said, reaching for the clippers. "You're in good hands, I promise."

He then popped on the clippers, and as the sound of buzzing filled Toni’s ears, a fresh wave of doubt washed over her. 

Was this the right move?

Or too much?

But before she could even consider turning back, it was too late.

The barber placed the clippers on Toni’s forehead and, without any fanfare, pushed them back through her hair. 

As Toni watched the clippers peel away her hair, swath by swath, she was hit with a sense of pure exhilaration. She was finally embracing a look that felt more authentic to herself. 

Her real self.

The one that, up until that point, had been hiding behind a security blanket of hair.

As the barber took one last pass with the clippers, Toni looked at herself in the mirror, feeling a sudden sense of pride. 

She'd done it.

She'd taken that next step and felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. 

Toni ran a hand over her newly buzzed hair, feeling the soft bristles against her fingertips. 

"Wow," she said, smiling at her reflection. "I can't believe I did it."

The barber grinned back at her, handing her a mirror to look at the back of her head. "It looks great, kid," he said, nodding approvingly. "It suits you."

“Thanks,” Toni replied as she continued to rub her hands over the soft bristle on the back of her nape. 

“Anytime. You’ll want to come back in two to three weeks if you want to keep up the length, okay?”

“Yeah,” Toni said with a look of pure gratitude. “Got it. I’ll see you then.”

-----------

Toni walked into their apartment less than an hour later, bursting with excitement. She had mentioned once or twice to Shelby her desire to get a buzzcut but didn’t tell her that she was planning on going through with it. 

"Hey, Bee," she said, her voice a little uncertain. Shelby looked up, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Toni!" she said, jumping up from the couch. "Oh my god, your hair!"

“Yeah. I know.” Toni replied, running a hand over her freshly shorn head. "I did it."

Shelby walked over to her, wrapping her arms around Toni's waist and kissing her cheek. "I love it."

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. You look beau--” Shelby stopped as if she suddenly realized that the word didn’t quite fit anymore. “You look handsome.”

“Handsome,” Toni replied. Her smile widened. It was the first time she had ever been called that, and it felt right. 

“Yup. 100% handsome.” Shelby reiterated and gave Toni an extra squeeze of reassurance.

A momentary silence settled between them as Toni fully took in the overwhelming sense of pure comfort that came with the simple act of being held by Shelby. 

Then—

"Are you sure you’re okay with this," Toni asked, her voice a little hesitant. 

Shelby pulled back. "What? Your hair?” 

“Yeah.”

“You’re kidding, right? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Cause it’s kinda a big change.”

 “So? It’s not like I haven’t changed my hair drastically once or twice before,” Shelby said with a warm smile. “ I meant what I said, baby. I love it.”

"I know. I just...I don't want to lose you," Toni said, her voice breaking with emotion. "I don't want to push you away with all these changes."

Shelby pulled back, looking into Toni's eyes. "Okay. Well, that’s just silly. You could never lose me, Toni," she said, her voice firm. "I love you, no matter what. And I love you even more for being brave enough to embrace your true self."

Toni felt a sudden relief, knowing she had someone in her life who would support her no matter what. She hugged Shelby tight, feeling a sense of warmth spreading through her body.

"Thanks for loving me.”

"Always," Shelby replied with a smile. She then reaches up and playfully runs her fingers across Toni’s soft pelt of hair. "And you know what? I think you're even sexier like this.” 

“Yeah?”

“Oh yeah. In fact… I think I need to prove it to you,” Shelby said. She then pulled Toni in for another kiss before taking hold of her hand and leading her toward their bedroom. “Right now.”

III. Pronouns 

Shelby and Toni walked into their apartment, utterly spent. It had been a fun night filled with never-ending margaritas and tacos with Leah and Fatin for their monthly double date. 

But as the dinner had unfolded, Shelby noticed that Toni had become more and more withdrawn. Almost to the point of not talking at all by the time the check had come. 

Something had happened, but Shelby couldn’t for the life of her pinpoint exactly what it was.

"Hey," Shelby said as she kicked off her heels and gently took hold of Toni's arm. "Is everything alright?"

Toni hesitated, her eyes downcast. "I dunno," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I just...I felt uncomfortable tonight.”

“Was it something I said?” 

“Nah.”

“Or Fatin? Cause lord knows that girl doesn’t have a filter.”

“No,” Toni said with a weighted sigh. “It was the waiter.”

“The waiter?”

“Yeah. He kept  referring to me as 'miss’.'"

Shelby's expression softened, and she squeezed Toni's hand. "I'm sorry, baby," she said. "I didn't even catch it. Do you wanna talk about it?"

Toni nodded, feeling a sudden surge of emotion. "I just...I dunno. It sounds stupid but being called ‘miss’ or ‘lady’ just doesn’t feel right.

"It’s not stupid at all. Have you thought about different pronouns?" she asked. "Maybe something else would feel more comfortable?"

Toni hesitated, not sure if she was ready for that kind of change. But the more she thought about it, the more it made sense.

"Okay," she said, her voice a little hesitant. "Yeah. Maybe…” 

Shelby thought for a moment, then said, "What about he/him?”

Toni thought about it, but the idea didn't quite fit. "Nah. That doesn't feel right," she said, shaking her head. "It's not me."

Shelby nodded, understanding. "Okay. What about they/them? Does that feel like a better fit?"

They/ them.

Why hadn’t she— No. They thought of it before?

Toni felt a sudden surge of excitement as their face lit up. "They/ them,” they said, their voice brightening. "That feels good."

Shelby smiled. "Alrighty then," she said. "Then they/them it is. And if anyone gives you trouble about it, you let me know."

Toni grinned, feeling a sudden sense of liberation. "Thanks, Bee," they said, their voice full of gratitude. 

“For what?”

"For always being there for me."

Shelby pulled them into another hug. "Always, baby,” she said. "And you know what? I think you're amazing, just the way you are. And I love you no matter what."

As they held each other, Shelby looked at Toni with a smile. "So, how should I refer to you going forward?" she asked. "Girlfriend? Lover? Spouse?"

Toni paused, considering their options. My girlfriend felt like it didn’t quite fit. Not anymore. And lover was way too intimate. 

But spouse? 

The idea of being referred to as "spouse," even though they weren't married yet, gave them a sense of validation, a sense of being seen for who they really were.

"Spouse," they said, a smile spreading across her face. "I like that. Spouse feels good."

Shelby grinned. "Okay, spouse, it is," she said, leaning in for a kiss. "My wonderful, amazing, beautiful spouse."

Toni felt a sudden rush of emotion, knowing that they had someone in their life who loved and accepted them for who they were. They leaned into the kiss, feeling Shelby's arms wrap around them, holding them close.

"Thank you," they said again, her voice full of gratitude. "Thank you for being the best spouse ever."

Shelby grinned, feeling a sense of pride. "Always," she said. "It’s you and me. Ride or die. Now you better get to start plannin’ to put a ring on this finger. Cause calling you my spouse is gonna be the biggest tease ever.”

“I’m on it,” Toni said, then stole another kiss before they pulled Shelby down onto the couch with them. “I promise.”

Toni felt a sudden sense of happiness, knowing that they had found someone who loved and accepted them for who they were. And as they snuggled up against Shelby, feeling her unconditional warmth and love, they knew that they were ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead. With Shelby by their side, they knew that anything was possible.