Just to stop the feeling

It was a peaceful afternoon in Suzie´s apartment, she felt so at ease just alone, listening to her music, making her space a little bit tidier, and relaxing on the couch with her favorite fussy throw blanket. One of her coping mechanisms was that, when she felt like she didn’t have any control over her feelings, her mind, or her circumstances, she was quick to concentrate on those things that were under her control, so after a very productive morning of cleaning and putting everything where it belonged, she let herself lay down and calm down a bit.

But deep down, she knew she was throwing herself into distractions because it was easier than facing what was really there — the quiet, creeping truths she’d been pushing down. After their night out, reconnecting with the girls… with Jewels… and the way everything had settled so comfortably into place again, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something had shifted.

No, not something — she had.

This wasn’t the same Suzie who once cried over her best friend, the girl who had been the center of her world, choosing to walk away just because she’d wanted more. This Suzie — now — was seeing things with a clarity she hadn’t let herself have before.

Because what if it wasn’t just heartbreak? What if it had always been love? What if the way Jewels made her feel — safe, wanted, known — was exactly what people spent their whole lives searching for in a partner?

Ever since that dinner with Jewels and Daniel a few days ago, she hadn’t replied to his texts. She’d ignored his calls, left his messages unread. And the worst part was that it wasn’t even intentional — it was instinct. Like the moment Jewels was back in her orbit, she just… didn’t need him anymore.

She felt awful for it. Guilty, even. She hadn’t meant to use him, but maybe that’s exactly what she’d done.

Still, none of it seemed to matter now — not when Jewels was here, not when every second with her felt borrowed. Susie didn’t know if her girl was staying or if she’d disappear again. So she held on. Just in case.

She stared at her phone, thumbs hovering, screen blank. She didn’t know where Jewels was or what she was doing, but she wanted to talk to her so badly. She wanted to be near her — to rest her head against her shoulder while pretending to watch whatever rom-com Jewels decided to put on.

Maybe she could text her. Maybe she could just ask her to come over, like normal people did. Like normal friends did.

But she couldn’t bring herself to.

So, like any completely normal, emotionally repressed adult woman, she stared at her screen and waited, hoping Jewels would text first.

And then, as if the universe was feeling merciful — or just finally choosing her for once — her phone lit up.

J: Heyy Suz, are you busy?

S: Not at all, just resting.

J: Recharging your social battery from last night?

S: Yeah… love them, but they’re a lot.

J: Well, can I come over? We could order takeout and chill. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.

S: That sounds amazing.

J: Okay, I’ll be there in 5.

Oh dear universe, Suzie thought, you’ve officially proved your existence. She wouldn’t doubt you again. She’d been craving a solo moment with Jewels since the second she came back — and now, she was five minutes away.

Jewels showed up in a crisp white tracksuit, her face bare but glowing, cheeks kissed with moisturizer, and her glossy dark hair pulled into a sleek ponytail that flowed down to her waist. Effortless, but put together — just the way she knew Suzie liked. She even spritzed on her favorite perfume, the one Suzie always noticed. The one that made Suzie lean in a little closer, under the excuse of catching the scent.

And tonight, she wanted her to notice.

When Suzie opened the door, she barely had time to say hi before Jewels wrapped her arms around her and pulled her in.

Suzie let herself melt into it.

This. This was what she had been craving for days — maybe weeks, maybe years. Just the warmth of Jewels’ body against hers, the weight of her in her arms, the unspoken permission to hold her like she meant it. She felt complete like this. Like all her restless thoughts finally quieted down because Jewels was here, in her space, in her arms.

“Missed me?” Jewels mumbled into her shoulder, teasing, but the softness in her voice gave her away.

“You have no idea,” Suzie said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Jewels pulled back with a grin, holding up a little paper bag. “Brought you something,” she said. “Technically it’s a candle, but emotionally it’s a poem.”

Suzie laughed, already smiling as Jewels stepped in and set the candle on the coffee table. She pulled it out — soft lilac packaging, handwritten label that read: Cozy Chaos — smells like forgotten chargers, warm socks, and loving the same person for years but being emotionally unavailable about it.

Suzie wheezed. “Are you serious right now?”

Jewels shrugged with mock innocence. “It reminded me of you.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Suzie lit the candle while Jewels put on some music — low, easy background stuff at first. The room glowed warmly, filled with the scent of vanilla, bergamot, and something softly floral beneath.

And then the playlist shifted.

A new song started playing — not just any song.

Their song.

That one track from years ago, the one that had played when they first kissed. The one that came on that one night when they were still tipsy and giggly and hadn’t yet figured out how badly they wanted each other.

Suzie froze mid-step, her breath hitching for just a second.

She looked at Jewels. Jewels was looking at her too — that same small, knowing smirk on her lips, eyes glinting with mischief. She didn’t say anything, just raised her eyebrows, playful, like: Remember this?

Suzie swallowed. “You didn’t—put this on on purpose… right?”

Jewels shrugged, too casual. “It’s a good song.”

“It’s our song.”

“Ohhh. Our song?” Jewels teased, stepping a little closer. “So you do remember.”

Suzie looked away, flustered. “You’re impossible.”

“But memorable,” Jewels whispered.

Suzie hated — hated — how much she wanted to reach for her in that moment. And how good it felt that Jewels remembered too.

They both laughed softly — but it was a little strained now. The air had shifted. Something unspoken was sitting right there between them, humming like electricity.

Jewels sat down on the couch, patting the spot next to her. Suzie hesitated for half a second, then joined her. Close. Too close. Not close enough.

The song was still playing in the background, low and persistent like a memory that refused to fade.

Jewels leaned her head back against the couch and stared at the ceiling. “You think about that night?” she asked, so quietly Suzie almost missed it.

Suzie blinked, then forced a chuckle. “Sometimes. I mean, we were… we were drunk.”

Jewels hummed. “Not that drunk.”

Suzie glanced at her, but Jewels wasn’t looking back. Her face was unreadable. Calm. Casual. Like they were just talking about the weather.

“It was just a kiss,” Suzie said, though her voice faltered halfway through.

Jewels finally turned her head. “Was it?”

Suzie looked at her then, really looked at her. Her heart was beating so fast it felt like a warning.

Jewels kept her eyes on her, soft but unwavering. “I’ve kissed a lot of people. That one didn’t feel like just a kiss.”

Suzie didn’t respond right away. Her throat felt tight. She wanted to laugh it off, to say something witty, to dodge like she always did. But instead, her voice came out quiet and raw.

“Yeah. Me neither.”

Jewels’s breath caught, just a little. She looked at Suzie like she was seeing her again for the first time.

“But it’s fine,” Suzie added quickly, trying to put the pieces back together, to shove everything back in the box. “It was just… one of those things. A moment. Doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Jewels nodded slowly, her smile returning — but this time, it was tinged with something sad. “Right. Totally. Just a thing that happened.”

“Yeah,” Suzie echoed. “A thing.”

They both stared straight ahead. The candle flickered. The song changed. And in the silence between them, the weight of that thing lingered, heavy and sweet and unbearable.

And neither of them moved away.

Jewels opened her mouth. “Suzie, I…” she began, her voice barely louder than the music. Her eyes flicked toward her, soft and unsure. “I think—”

Suzie’s phone rang.

They both jumped slightly, and Suzie fumbled to grab it from the armrest, annoyed at the intrusion. She glanced at the screen. Daniel.

Jewels looked away, jaw tightening. Just when she was about to confess. She busied herself adjusting the blanket on her lap, but Suzie could still feel her attention—half on the TV, half on her.

Suzie sighed, thumb hovering over the decline button… then she answered.

“Hey,” she said flatly.

Jewels didn’t look at her.

Daniel’s voice came through, too loud and too cheerful. “Hey! I’ve been trying to reach you. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’ve just been… busy,” Suzie said, not bothering to fake warmth.

“I miss you. Can we talk?”

Suzie’s eyes flicked to Jewels, who still wouldn’t look at her. She stood up and walked a few steps away toward the kitchen, lowering her voice.

“Daniel,” she said, rubbing her temple, “I think we should stop this.”

A pause. “Stop what?”

“This. Us. Whatever it was. I’m sorry I disappeared, but… I guess I used you as a distraction. That’s shitty. You didn’t deserve that.”

Another pause. This time longer. “Wow,” he said eventually. “Okay. Thanks for the honesty, I guess.”

Suzie almost wanted to say more. But she didn’t. “Bye, Daniel.”

She hung up.

She stood there for a second, phone in hand, eyes closed, letting the silence wrap around her again. Then she walked back to the couch.

Jewels looked up. “Are you okay?”

Suzie gave a soft, pitiful shrug and made her face droop with a little sigh for good measure. “Honestly… not really.”

“Aww, Suz.” Jewels opened her arms without hesitation, and Suzie collapsed into them without a second thought.

“I just feel like everything’s off lately,” Suzie mumbled, burying her face into the crook of Jewels’ neck. She smelled like vanilla and citrus and warmth. “I don’t even know what I want anymore.”

Jewels stroked her hair gently. “It’s okay not to know,” she whispered. “You don’t have to figure it all out right now. You’re allowed to be confused.”

Suzie melted further into her. “I just wanted to do something that felt right.”

Jewels held her tighter.

They stayed like that through the rest of the movie, barely watching, occasionally exchanging quiet comments or little hums of agreement. Jewels didn’t move when Suzie’s head slid into her lap. She just kept stroking her hair in slow, lazy motions.

At some point, Suzie’s breathing evened out, and Jewels realized she’d fallen asleep.

Jewels didn’t dare move. Her hand hovered, then landed softly on Suzie’s shoulder. She looked down at her—this girl who had always been her home in ways she’d never fully admitted, not even to herself.

She stayed awake longer than she needed to, just to hold the moment a little tighter, as if keeping still would make it last. And in the soft glow of the candlelight, Jewels let herself want—for once, fully and silently.

Suzie woke up warm.

Warm in the softest, safest way. The kind of warmth that made her want to stay perfectly still and never open her eyes.

It took her a second to realize where she was—and who she was with.

Jewels was curled around her, an arm slung casually over Suzie’s waist, her face nestled against the back of her neck. Their legs were tangled, the blanket kicked halfway off, and the faint smell of the candle still lingered in the air, now mixed with the scent of skin and sleep.

Suzie didn’t move. She barely breathed.

She remembered falling asleep on Jewels’ lap, but at some point during the night… this had happened. This—cuddling, holding, maybe even searching for each other in the middle of sleep. As if it was the most natural thing in the world.

And yet, her heart was pounding like it wasn’t.

Behind her, Jewels stirred slightly, nuzzling closer with a tiny sigh that made Suzie’s stomach flip. Then her voice came, low and raspy from sleep:

“Mmm… you’re awake?”

Suzie nodded, just a small tilt of her head against the pillow. “Yeah. You?”

“I am now,” Jewels said with a little smile in her voice.

They lay there in silence for a few seconds, the air heavy with unsaid things, the kind that start brewing before you’re even fully conscious.

Jewels tightened her arm slightly. “You’re comfy.”

“You’re warm,” Suzie whispered, feeling her cheeks heat up.

Jewels chuckled softly, her breath brushing the back of Suzie’s neck. “We should probably get up.”

“We probably should.”

Neither of them moved.

A minute passed.

“About last night…” Jewels started, her voice softer now, unsure.

Suzie swallowed, heart picking up speed. “Yeah?”

Jewels hesitated. “I meant what I said. You don’t have to figure everything out right now. But I want you to know that… I’m here. Not just for the sad stuff. I mean…” She trailed off, then pressed her forehead to Suzie’s shoulder, hiding her face.

Suzie turned in her arms slowly, until they were facing each other, noses almost touching. Jewels blinked at her, vulnerable and open in a way she rarely let anyone see.

“You were gonna say something last night,” Suzie said gently. “Before Daniel called.”

Jewels looked down. “Yeah. I was.”

Suzie reached up and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “You can still say it.”

Jewels looked at her for a long time, her gaze flicking between Suzie’s eyes and mouth. She looked like she might say it. Really say it.

But instead, she smiled—small, soft, half-brave.

“Breakfast?” she asked.

Suzie blinked, then laughed, the tension cracking just enough to let in the light. “Sure. Breakfast.”

Jewels grinned and pulled away reluctantly, sitting up and stretching. “I’m making pancakes, but only because you’re heartbroken and I’m a really good fake girlfriend.”

Suzie raised a brow, watching her as she padded toward the kitchen. “You’re doing a great job so far.”

Jewels tossed her a wink over her shoulder. “Don’t fall in love with me, Suzie.”

But the smile Suzie gave her in return said:

Too late.