Pentacorn
“You have a tendency to sleep… everywhere,” Bucky informs him but Tony already knows this because people frequently complained about it, those that managed to actually stay in his bed anyways. He vaguely remembers Bucky coming in the night before and asking to sleep in his bed, something about not being able to sleep and not wanting to worry Steve, but Tony had still been mostly asleep. It was rare he slept well and Bucky just had to interrupt one of those times, not that it mattered; Tony had passed out pretty much right after he was woken up.
“I’m aware. I like my space,” he mumbles, making no efforts to move so poor Bucky had more room. It was his bed; he wasn’t going to make the accommodations. Plus Bucky had plenty of room on the small strip of the bed he had left.
Bucky remains quiet for a few moments before he speaks again, “who do you think looked at a beehive and thought those buzzing fuckers had something good in there? Like who thought ‘those things sting and it hurts, and some people die after they’re stung, lets fucking stick my hand in there and see if they have anything worth eating in that hive’. Who did that? Who stuck their hand in the beehive?” he asks and Tony chooses to move then because that thought was actually worth discussion.
“You know what, bees die after they sting you, if it was wasps I’d be way more confused. Those little fuckers come at you until you murder the shit out of them and they serve no purpose so fuck them. Bees do good things, I mean I don’t like them, but I respect them. Fuck wasps, I hope they all die out and get replaced by a cooler bug. Something that’s a cool colour and is chill, like a funky looking caterpillar, that’d be better than wasps,” he says.
“Yellow. Jackets. Fuck those things. Anything that flies and stings actually, minus bees because shit has to get pollinated and Sam can’t do it himself even if he tries really really hard,” Bucky says and Tony snorts.
“Oh he slapped the ‘beautiful butterfly’ line on you, huh?” he asks. He’s seen it done before, actually so much so that it was one of those lines that could be considered fuck-boy worthy. In Sam’s defense, though, he was always up front about what he wanted and that was something Tony had always appreciated. It was why the brief… thing that they had worked so well despite Pepper’s insistence that it would not, both of them enjoyed sex and had an intense fear of commitment. It was perfect but then Sam must have gotten too attached because he pulled the butterfly line and went to pollinate elsewhere.
“Nah, he slapped it on Steve. I wasn’t exactly in a place for relationships when we got together, wait, he’s been with you too?” Bucky asks, frowning at him.
Tony shrugs, “yeah we had a thing for a few months before Sam ran off. It was nice, and there was no pressure you know?” he says and Bucky looks suddenly worried. “Just spit it out, Barnes,” Tony says, raising an eyebrow, “I’m not running anywhere,” yet.
Bucky fidgets nervously, “well,” he says, “what are we?” he asks and Tony understands what he’s actually asking. What label, exactly, described their relationship?
“Dunno and I don’t really care, not exactly. Don’t look at me like that; I get the importance of labels and all that but on any sort of romantic or romantic-esque relationship label is… limiting. It has to be monogamous, there has to be sex, and romance, and love, and compromise, and, and, and, but all of those things can only be shown in really limited ways. Not to mention half of the expectations on romantic relationships make weird assumptions about what makes them functional or ‘right’. Like who cares about monogamy and why is there an assumption that having sex with more than one person means you love them both less? For some people that works and that’s fine but for people who agree to open relationships that assumption is really annoying because their relationship is constantly under the scrutiny of everyone else. What’s worse is that if the relationship fails everyone blames it on the lack of monogamy instead of pressure to conform so yeah. Romantic labels are limiting and a waste of my time and everyone else’s, do what you want, it isn’t like you’ll care any less about me because of it,” he says, finishing his rather long winded rant abruptly.
Plus, of course, it wasn’t like there was anything that was going to keep Steve and Bucky apart anyways. If literal mind wiping and torture hadn’t kept them apart Tony wasn’t arrogant to assume he would be any different. Bucky tilts his head to the side, “do you actually believe all that or are you worried that you’ll never compare to Steve?” he asks.
“Yes,” Tony says because it was the appropriate answer to both questions.
Bucky frowns, “that… doesn’t really answer my question,” he says.
“Actually it does, I can believe everything I just said and know better than to think I’d ever compare to Steve at the same time and that’s fine, really. I get it and I know you care in your own way and that’s great, but there isn’t ever going to be a time when whatever it is we have would even have a remotely equal status to you and Steve. Which is fine, but I don’t do second place, it just isn’t in my nature.”
*
“You are a raging asshole,” Steve tells him and Tony sighs.
“Yes I am, are you going to specify why I’m a raging asshole?” he asks.
“Do you even listen to anything you say?” Steve asks in place of an answer and Tony rolls his eyes.
“Sometimes, am I going to be told why you’re so pissy with me any time this century?” he asks and raises an eyebrow.
“Why is it that you think the rules never apply to you? You tell me that I shouldn’t compare myself to you because Bucky loves us both in different ways that are both perfectly valid and then basically tell Bucky that you’ll never compare so why bother. Are you fucking kidding me?” he asks and oh, well that made some more sense.
“Yeah well no offense but it’s a lot easier to buy that argument when you’d be the one that forever comes out on top of any comparison between the two of us. And I did point out that he cared in his own way and fine, I get it, I do, I too have a best friend I love more than myself but when you hold a candle stick to a wild fire you don’t exactly want to be the candle stick,” he says.
Steve rubs his temples and gives Tony some truly unimpressed looks. “Okay, so your argument here, to be clear, is essentially that I will always be more necessary in Bucky’s life, our relationship will always burn brighter and that… what? You aren’t just as necessary? Because you are, I’ve seen it, and been pretty pissed off about it,” he says and at least he was honest, Tony could see the honesty there. And how much it pained Steve to admit it.
Tony snorts, “yeah okay, if we were both about to be killed don’t act like he wouldn’t chose to save you and let me die. I’m not mad about it, I get it, I’d save Rhodey over him but that doesn’t mean I have to like it, which I don’t. To be clear,” he says.
Steve, of all things, laughs, “like hell you would. In my experience when you’re backed into a corner with only a few options you literally invent a new one and chose that. You wouldn’t leave Bucky to die, you’d save them both and I don’t get why you seem this… whatever this is is a zero sum situation when you yourself pointed out that it wasn’t. Why are you doing this?” Steve asks, genuinely confused.
“Gee, probably because we hate each other and it’s only a matter of time before that gets in the way of one or both of our relationships and at some point he’s going to have to choose and it would be selfish of me to assume he’d give you up. I don’t think I can take that kind of heartbreak now or, well, ever,” he says bluntly.
Steve squints in confusion, “you are so dumb. I mean you’re a genius but you’re a fucking idiot, the solution here isn’t to avoid heartbreak moron, it’s to learn to not hate me. It isn’t like it’s hard, we’ve bonded, like that time Nat and May locked us in that room. Or that time with the cabinet of dick pics that your pronged robot was freakishly fond of, we can manage… somehow,” he says and at least one of them is determined.
“Name one thing we have in common,” Tony says.
“We both care about Bucky,” Steve says with no hesitation, like it was a planned response.
“Cheap shot, give me a real answer,” he says.
“We both like dystopian movies, V for Vendetta is one of my favorite movies, and Fight Club but I don’t think that counts as dystopian. Also alien theories are dumb and my personal opinion on New York was that when some asshole opened up a portal thingy into our planet the aliens did exactly what we would have, fucked shit up and prepared to colonize. I mean we didn’t even need to leave the planet for that,” he says, wrinkling his nose.
“True, that’s a very good theory. So fine, maybe we won’t hate each other. Still doesn’t change much,” he says.
“don’t lie, you can feel the shift in our conversation so stop trying to be right and let go of your insecurities for once, it’s an attractive quality,” Steve tells him.
“Fuck you, I like my insecurities and I will not let them go, we’re friends. Now I don’t know if this happens to you but sometimes I get stir crazy in here and now is one of those times, want to sneak past Nat and get coffee or something?” he asks mostly because he was fairly certain Bobbi and Bucky were the only two capable of such feats and he had no desire to do anything with Bobbi and Bucky was avoiding him.
“Is that possible?” Steve asks.
“Surprisingly yes,” he says, “follow me.”
*
It turned out that he and Steve had a lot more in common than they initially thought. Namely they both enjoyed narrating other people’s lives in their own heads and now they were trying their hand at it with each other. “But Jared, I’m pregnant with your child,” Tony says, mocking the two guys fighting a little ways down the street.
“Oh fuck off, Kevin, mpreg only happens in fanfiction and with Trans* people and this situation is not either one of those things. You’re just pissed off because my dick is better,” Steve says.
“Well that’s not what your sister thinks,” Tony says without missing a beat and the guy Steve was mocking punches the other guy.
“Oh my god,” Steve says, “that was just too good, I can’t believe that went so well. We’re good, I wonder if that guy actually did sleep with whathisface’s sister oh ouch that punch looked like it hurt,” he says and winces.
“Probably not, they’re alpha guys, they’re probably fighting for dominance or some shit, I don’t know, alpha guys are dumber than the average guy, no offense,” he throws in after realizing that right, Steve was in the group of people Tony just insulted.
“No, it’s true. Sometimes Bucky and I will be sitting there and my brain is like ‘fight him’ and that makes no sense, I don’t want to fight Bucky. It happens with Coulson too so I’ll move all his stuff like a half inch to the left and watch him go nuts trying to figure out what’s off about his desk and honestly that’s way better than beating him up,” Steve says.
Tony snorts, “that guy is an absolute stick in the mud, how Clint deals with it I have no idea,” he says.
“He drives Coulson up the damn wall and it’s hilarious because any attempt he makes at trying to stop Clint from being an ass fails miserably. Kind of reminds me of you, actually, but messier and less of an asshole,” Steve says.
“Clint is an asshole of epic proportions, he just knows when to pick his battles and I don’t. I’ll fucking fight anything, let me at it, I’m like Alexander Hamilton. The character from Hamilton the musical, not the actual founding father,” he says.
Steve considers this and nods, “yes you are. I think I’m Lafayette but Bucky thinks I’m Burr and for some reason he thinks he’s Hercules but I think he’s actually Eliza. Coulson, we’ve decided, is obviously King George before he was replaced and he was still a little gay,” he says.
Tony laughs, “you are so Burr,” he says, “but I’d rather you don’t shoot me because that would hurt and I am a wimp. Bucky is obviously John Laurens though.” He picks up the muffin he got earlier and sniffs it before taking a bite, making pleased noises as he does so.
“Do you do that with everything you eat?” Steve asks, gesturing to the muffin, “also yes, Bucky is Laurens.”
“Most stuff yeah,” he says, “never know what’s going to be in the food. So if Coulson is King George does that mean that Clint is America? Because I don’t think they’re quite that fucked up,” he says. A little messed up sure, Coulson kept trying to neatly organize Clint and that was never going to happen, but he did finally manage to mostly stop Clint from eating Taco Bell. Tony was pretty sure he still managed to eat it but Coulson liked to pretend it didn’t happen so.
“So you have a thing with food and that’s probably why you thought I poisoned your pasta. Now I feel like an asshole for being annoyed with it. But come on, imagine Coulson prancing around in period clothing, trust me it’s funny. Clint is pretty messy though and America’s a fucking disaster. Speaking of do you think Natasha could assassinate Trump? Because I’ve been tempted to ask but she frightens me and with my luck the Commands would chose then to make a comeback and I have no desire to die,” he says.
“I do not have a thing with food,” Tony says, “it’s perfectly logical. Coulson prancing around is amusing sans the period clothing because it would never happen, does he ever leave the suit? Clint says he’s never seen him without it and I’m like eighty percent sure that he’s tried at least twice to sleep in Coulson’s bed just to see if he sleeps in something other than his suit. As for Nat, she’s not so bad so long as she doesn’t hate you and trust me, she’d let you know if she hated you. And yeah, she could definitely take Trump out, we’ve even made a few plans, but we’re curious to see if someone else does it first,” he says. When he heard Trump was running for president he had called and offered the guy a billion dollars to stop but he hung up, on Tony Stark. He was not impressed. Also he hasn’t stopped so.
“We should probably get her to kill Trump before he says that he’s going to deport eleven million people for existing while brown. Oh wait,” Steve says sarcastically.
“I take it you aren’t fond of Trump?” Tony asks not that he thought anyone should be. The guy was a trash can to say the least and Tony had had the misfortune of meeting him. He insulted Pepper in less than five seconds and when Tony told him off for doing so he insulted Tony. Well, not that it mattered, he was a thousand times more successful and he always would be and none of the people he’s pointed that out to over the years have been impressed by that. It was hardly his fault it was true, also no one insulted Pepper and got away with it. Trump should have been glad Tony decided to say something instead of Pepper because Pepper was far more scathing than he was.
Steve gives him a look, “no one should be fond of Trump, the guy said he might have agreed with Japanese internment camps. He’s a misogynist, he’s ableist, he literally hates everyone that isn’t just like him. Who could possibly support that? He’s basically HYDRA except he’s one person instead of an organization. Just. Ugh,” he says, wrinkling his nose in distaste.
“True. Nat could do it though, just in case, we can take his rat hair as a trophy,” Tony says.
Steve makes a face, “eww, why would we do that? We all have better hair and I see no reason for us to suffer like that. On another note we haven’t killed each other yet so that’s nice, see, we can get along,” he says.
“We’re in public,” Tony says, “we aren’t savages, we fight when there aren’t other people around to witness our spat and get hurt, unlike those two,” he says and nods back to the two guys who had started fighting a few minutes ago and had finally stopped after someone managed to pull the two apart.
Steve hums in agreement, “you should still apologize to Bucky for being an asshole,” he says.
“Yeah maybe,” Tony says flippantly.
“Definitely,” Steve says, giving him a look.
“I’ll consider it.”
“You’ll do it.”
“Maybe.”