Day 7: Pain
Bucky knew pain. As the Soldier he had been trained to ignore it, and he could, he’d been shot in the back and hadn’t slowed until he’d been missing nearly a pint and a half of blood. Pain was something he knew how to ignore.
At least when it came to the physical.
The emotional and mental he was still having some problems with. And that was his current problem. He was beating his fists bloody or his fist bloody on the punching bag in the gym, anything to try and keep himself from breaking.
“He’s asking for you,” a voice said making him jump, there was only one person who could sneak up on him.
“черт возьми Наталья!” he snarled, turning to glare at the redheaded woman.
“Goddammit, Natalia- Natasha...” he said, picking his language much more carefully, shaking from the strain of it all.
“You’re a mess,” she said simply, “So is he.”
“That’s exactly why I should not be around him, especially after-” he started and she scoffed.
“He thinks you’re going to run, he’s terrified of it in fact, Tony threatened to tie him to the bed to keep him from coming to find you,” she said, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall, looking as carefree as ever despite the situation, but he knows her, he trained her, he knows her tells, she’s concerned.
“He’s an idiot,” Bucky snapped, “He shouldn’t be around me, I’ll just-” he glared at her when she scoffed again.
“Your pity party is grand and all, but don’t forget that relationships take two,” she said and he snorted.
“There shouldn’t even be one...”
“James-”
“No! He almost died because of- I almost KILLED him Natalia! And he barely did a thing to fight back! If Steve hadn’t come when he did I-” he choked on a sob, “I came back and my fist was covered in his blood, almost dead because of my hand around his throat and all I could think of how much of a monster I was, he...he can’t be with me, it’s not right. I have to leave him for his sake.”
“ерунда!” Natasha spat, her eyes furious, “You listen to me, James Barnes, you did not make a mistake you did not do anything wrong, the only mistake that can be said is not planning for this eventual outcome, you are a goddamn fool if you think you shouldn’t be with him just because of this. I have never seen him like he is with you, I have never seen you so comfortable, not ever. You are too good for each other for a little blip like almost killing him to end that,” she said it like it was so simple, it was enough to leave him gaping.
“I...what if it happens again..?” he whispered, because he couldn’t think of anything else, that was it, what if it happened again, and what if Steve wasn’t already on his way up? JARVIS would alert someone, but by the time they arrived, it could be too late. Especially if Clint didn’t fight back, why...why hadn’t he tried to save himself?
“Why don’t you go ask him and find out,” Natasha said and he blinked, thinking he’d said the last outloud, but she was just saying what made the most sense, “You can tell him what you think will help, and until then, we’ll make sure there are sedatives nearby in case it’s necessary, but more importantly we should find out what triggered it,” she sighed then, stepping up to him, “James, the most important thing is going to him and telling him all of this, leaving him...he is so used to everyone he loves leaving him he’s so scared to trust...don’t be one of the people who leaves him again,” for her it was as close to a beg she would ever get.
Then her eyes hardened, “Because if you do, I will hunt you down,” she said and Bucky believed it.
“Did he get a shovel talk?” he asked weakly and she huffed.
“Of course, I said if he was an idiot about this I would break his kneecaps,” she said easily, and Bucky let out a small huff of a laugh, because it was so like her to look out for them both.
“Now go, before I make you,” she said pointing to the door over her shoulder, he sighed and moved that way.
“Pretty sure you already are...” he said, but he headed to medical.
With every step towards the door he felt more and more sick with nerves, he stood in front of the door for he didn’t know how long and probably would have kept standing there if it hadn’t opened on it’s own, or Tony hadn’t.
He looked surprised at first, then wary, then annoyed, he snorted but then moved aside and made a gesture for him to go in, Bucky swallowed and did, noting Tony leaving once he was in, but also noting Tony was murmuring to JARVIS about alerting him the moment when- well...he couldn’t blame him.
Bucky swallowed and looked at Clint.
He looked awful, there was a bruise under one eye and a scratch on his cheek, wrappings around his ribs and a splint on some of his fingers, and then a deep purple bruise right on his throat in the shape of a hand, his hand.
He felt like running away right then and there, but Clint was smiling at him and gesturing him forward.
“Hey,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper because of the damage done to his vocal chords.
“..h-hey...” Bucky replied, Clint’s smile broke for just a second.
“Come here,” he rasped and Bucky did close to falling on his knees at Clint’s bedside, he took the offered hand without a finger splint on it, because he would do whatever Clint wanted right then, his heart felt like it was being pressed between a vice. He sunk into the chair by the bed.
“I’m sorry,” he finally choked out, “I don’t- I can’t-”
“Shhh,” Clint squeezed his hand, “I know...I know.”
“But I-”
“Bucky,” Clint whispered, “It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes it was, I’m the one who-” Clint squeezed his hand.
“No, it wasn’t.” He insisted, his voice so scratchy and Bucky knew he shouldn’t be making him talk, but he didn’t know what else to do, he needed to know what would happen. His heart hurt too much to let it linger any longer in limbo.
“You were triggered and I couldn’t get you back fast enough, it wasn’t your fault,” Clint insisted and Bucky stared at him then felt a flush of rage overcome him.
“Why didn’t you fight back?” he demanded, “Why didn’t you run away?! Why did you let me just- I could have killed you!”
“But you didn’t,” Clint said, “I just couldn’t-” he started but Bucky snarled.
“Goddammit Clint!” he cried, more in frustration and hurt than anger, “What would have happened if I had killed you?! I would have had to deal with having your blood on my hands for the rest of my life- I...I couldn’t-” he couldn’t handle that. He would rather die himself than let something like that or this ever happen again.
He curled in on himself and buried his face in his hands and tried to keep himself from breaking down, but he couldn’t it was all too much, he thought he’d been okay, that he could finally leave the Winter Soldier behind him, but it looked like that was going to be impossible.
God it hurt so much to think about this, Clint had given him so much, time, distance, understanding and love, waiting until he was totally sure Bucky was okay with things, and he was warm and full of sass and laughter. But he also kept his own pain to himself, he didn’t know how to share it, and Bucky...Bucky was like that too. He never wanted to share his pain, But Clint was always there to shoulder some of the burden, it didn’t seem fair. He needed to take the first step.
“Why?” Bucky whispered, “Why didn’t you fight back?”
Clint sighed silently, and pat the bed, he wanted Bucky up next to him, and Bucky wasn’t sure if he should, but in the end he figured that he would prefer this conversation with a bit of closeness.
“I...I tried at first,” Clint admitted, “But I...I thought...” he coughed and Bucky sat up to grab him the glass of water on his bedside he helped him sit up a bit to drink it.
“You thought?” Bucky prompted and Clint looked down and he really did look awful, on top of the injuries he looked unrested and insecure, like he’d been fretting too.
“I thought I deserved it,” he whispered, “I know...it wasn’t fair of me...as if I should shove that responsibility on you, but I...I wasn’t able to help, and that...that must have meant...I deserved it, that I was thinking too much of everything and I was wrong...I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have, not then, I don’t want to disappoint you because of-”
“Stop,” Bucky whispered, he felt his heart clenching with grief, “Stop...” he felt like he might start crying, “Clint...”
“I’m sorry,” Clint’s voice broke and Bucky saw that he was crying, “I’m so sorry Bucky, I didn’t mean to put you through this, I don’t-” he took in a shakey breath, “I would understand if you don’t want to-”
Bucky covered his mouth.
“Stop,” he said, “I’m not going anywhere, I’m never going anywhere, but...you have to promise me to never ever think that again, I love you. I love you more than I ever have loved anyone. But I need to trust that you are going to never let this happen again, you need to get away from me, and never let me-” he took a deep breath, “Please swear you’re never going to let this happen again.”
“I swear,” Clint said so softly it was barely audible, but Bucky did have super hearing, he had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself, the tears still trailing down his cheeks let Bucky know he was having a hard time of it, “I’m sorry, I...I love you too, so much, and I’m so sorry.”
Bucky pulled him close as gently as he could and Clint buried his face in Bucky’s chest, his good hand clutching onto his shirt, Bucky kissed his head and tried to stop the tear from rolling down his own cheek into Clint’s hair.
“I’ll forgive you if you forgive me,” he said, he heard Clint laugh and felt him hold on tighter.
“There’s nothing to forgive....you didn’t do anything wrong...” he croaked and Bucky shook his head, “But...if it helps you...yeah...of course I forgive you,” he pressed his face more into Bucky’s chest, and he could feel how wet it was getting.
“Okay,” he said swallowing and feeling surprised at how much it did help, “Okay...I forgive you too.”
Clint hiccuped and nodded, “Thanks,” he said and Bucky was sure he was crying all over again, he was probably drugged off his ass.
“I’d do anything for you...you pain in the ass,” Bucky said and Clint laughed softly again closing his eyes and letting the painkillers lull him to sleep, safe against Bucky’s chest. Bucky held him for the rest of the night.
In all things, pain always helps you grow.