Chapter 7
they ended up watching the lion king. winter was excited to watch a movie, only knowing movies from her dad's spotty descriptions of a few. she let ellie take the time to explain the types and summarize them. ellie mostly had scary movies and romcoms, only a few animated movies which winter happily chose from instead. she didn't want to watch a scary movie in a new place that was already scary enough for her, and she didn't want to be sad about relationships right now. she could still feel the envy she had for ellie's dating life, she didn't need more fantasies.
however, she ended being sad anyways. winter wasn't aware that the lion king, meant for kids, was so layered with emotions. she tried to be quiet and ignore any sadness she felt, instead focusing on how amazing movies were. she was thrilled when she saw it play in the beginning, constantly asking ellie how things worked as if ellie was from that time. ellie would just smile and answer the best she could, admitting most of the process she didn't understand. but now winter was sitting on ellie's right, their sides touching when winter would shift slightly, she was trying her best to not cry. she'd feel even more dumb for crying over something that wasn't real, only letting a few tears slide down her face before quickly wiping them away. when mufasa died she couldn't contain her tears anymore, she felt herself almost crumble instantly.
"oh man." winter mumbles with a sniffle, curling into herself to hide her face. she felt ellie's careful hand eased on her upper back, her thumb slowly rubbing back and forth.
"i'm sorry, i didn't think about that scene." ellie hums, clearly feeling guilty for not warning winter. winter just shakes her head, wiping more tears and sitting back up. she clears her throat, trying to focus back on the movie only to start crying more when scar starts talking to simba. she covers her face with her hands, slouching some. ellie's right fully rubs her back now, trailing up to rub the back of the other's neck.
"i'm sorry, ellie. i don't know why it's making me cry, i'm good." winter looks back up to the tv, upturning her furrowed brows while watching. when ellie glances over and sees winter's eyes holding tears back and her biting her lip, she sighs.
"ok, i think that's enough for tonight." she says, turning the tv off with the remote. "i'll look for a funny movie next time i'm out. we can watch one after then." ellie nods to winter. winter covers her face again with a huff, her cheeks starting to get red from the crying.
"i don't want to make you do that, i'm sorry. we can watch something else, i don't mind, anything you like is fine." winter basically whispers out in one breath, more tears spilling out when ellie coos and her hand drops down to her lower back now.
"what i'd like is to get you a breather, winter. you aren't making me do anything, and you aren't a problem right now. everything around you is new right now, you're overwhelmed enough, hun," ellie hums. this just makes winter groan and lean back into ellie's hand, letting herself fully cry. "uncover your face, you'll make yourself sick." ellie's hand slowly comes up to pull on one of winter's hands, the other following her actions. winter's chest heaves, sniffling filling the space around them with small hitched breaths.
"there you go, let yourself feel that." ellie says, shifting to turn her body toward winter. she lays down, facing winter, then pulls on winter's left arm until she falls back on the pillows. "don't force it away, it'll feel better afterward." ellie pulls winter closer to her, winter's head a foot away from ellie's.
"this is what i get for ignoring him leaving.." winter scoffs through tears, attempting to make ellie feel better, but only seeing ellie half smile back. winter looks into ellie's eyes, everything blurry but the green was still so vibrant and there. "you know, he.. he never told me in person. that he was bit. i couldn't find him most of the morning, i searched the whole cabin five times, the barn, the garden, the chicken coop.. i searched everything, but i missed the note on his bed. i didn't see that note until around dinner time." ellie hums back, reaching her left arm up to run her fingers through winter's hair that was in her face and pushing it back. ellie just listens, letting winter process what she needed. winter's lip quivered when she remembers the words written, how her heart felt ripped out after, how she hoped it was a joke, how she still felt so empty after that day.
"by then it was too dark to leave the cabin, and i still hoped it was just him playing the meanest joke possible on me. then the next day i went to the lake like he said.. that night he had dug his own grave and he shot himself in it. and i didn't find him until a day after.. a whole day. i had to.. bury his body.. and i haven't even gone back to him. it psychically hurts me to just see his clothes." she whimpers at the end, wiping tears and sniffling between almost each word. ellie's hand stops, softly holding winter's cheek and helping wipe her tears. ellie's eyes danced all over the other's face, trying to take in every detail winter had.
"oh, baby.." ellie whispers, leaning her forehead closer and resting it on winter's. the other closed her eyes, warm drops running harshly down the side of her face. she lets a small sob out, not catching it in time. "you're so good. so good, winter." ellie mumbles, pulling away to look at winter's eyes again. her worried eyes meet winter's seemingly emotionally destroyed ones. her heart feels stiff at the sight, ellie just wanted to help winter as much as she could.
winter's body jolted with each hiccupped breath, her right hand lifting up to grab ellie's left forearm that was still on her cheek. she doesn't move it away though, instead holding it there and closing her eyes as she cried.
"sometimes all- all i dream of is h-his face when i found him. i can't stop thinking about it, it's always in the back of my mind somehow. i-i have nightmares about finding him. over and over. it's so hard to get sleep now, it's hard to even relax a little." she trails off, slightly shaking her head with her eyes still closed. ellie's eyebrows furrow, remembering that joel's nightmares also used to keep him awake. she makes a mental note to ask him about it at some point, hoping that winter could maybe benefit from advice he'd have.
"did you sleep good last night? if it was worse than usual i can sleep on the couch or in joel's spare bedroom. you need to actually rest, winter. i'm worried." ellie mumbles, watching as winter's eyes open and stare back at her. winter slides her hand down ellie's forearm, resting her hand over the bend of ellie's arm.
"don't leave.." she whispers, only staring back at ellie. ellie wipes another tears, slowly nodding back. "that was the first time in a while that i've slept that long." ellie hums to winter, pausing before responding.
"this is what i meant by i don't like the thought of you being left alone. it's dangerous, i'm scarred you'll stop taking care of yourself completely." ellie says, noticing the slight hesitation in winter's movements after. winter opens her mouth, but no words come out. she feels trapped, not knowing what to say or what ellie wants her to say. realistically, winter knows she's been declining mentally for the past year, but she still felt a bit offended. ellie hadn't known her long, it felt weird having a new person judge her, even if it wasn't too far from the truth.
"i.. you gotta have some trust in me, ellie." she says, eyes round and tears finally slowing, only a few tears fall with most pooling in her waterline now. ellie slightly squints her eyes, shaking her head again.
"i do, just not as much as i should. i'm fucking worried, i've been worried. i'm scared something shitty will happen to you and i'll be hours away. i'm scared you aren't taking this as seriously as you should be." ellie intensely looks at winter, trying to make her emotions of desperation aware to the other without needed to actually say the embarrassing words. winter felt uncomfortable with the closeness of the situation, both physically and emotionally, it all felt too suffocating. but winter kind of liked the feeling. her heart felt heavy and her stomach felt warm.
winter's hand softly squeezed ellie's skin under her hand, searching for the right words. the genuine concern in ellie's eyes made winter's stomach flip. winter drew her eyebrows together, pressing her lips together and staring back.
"i'll be ok, ellie." she whispers, wanting to sound more confident than nervous, but her voice wavered and her throat still felt tight from crying.
"for now, yeah." winter scoffs, getting increasingly more annoyed with the subject along with the confusing array of feelings flying around her. winter barely stops herself from rolling her eyes, turning on her back to look up and away from the other. ellie's hand follows and stays where it was before, sitting up to accommodate the stretch. she props herself up on her right elbow, annoyance on her face too now.
"you're so annoying, you know that? i don't know why you're acting like you're a god. i won't die if i'm without you for a few weeks" even though it feels like it, winter wants to add. she keeps quiet, though. she doesn't need her boredom to fuel ellie's ego any more, she's afraid ellie's head might pop open. but then, maybe it's not boredom. either way winter kicks those thoughts away, not wanting to even start dealing with that. she'd been ok with being alone after her father died, not craving the inevitable heartache again that she had felt when he left.
"i don't think i'm god, actually fucking far from it. i think i'm a friend that's trying to get you to listen to how fucking ridiculous you're acting. look at me." ellie says, a little bite in her words, clearly becoming more annoyed than winter was. winter huffs, bringing her hand up to push ellie's off of her cheek while starting to turn her head in the opposite direction. ellie sighs, dropping her hand slightly to grab winter's jaw, roughly turning her head to look at her. winter let out a small gasp at the harshness, wide and shocked eyes meeting ellie's narrowed ones.
"you need to stop acting like a damn brat." ellie face barely morphs into anger, winter can tell the other is trying to control how she's coming off. "i can tell that you want to say yes. i can tell you're worried too, so i'm not sure why you keep acting like i want horrible things for you. it's not smart for you to be isolated, never mind the lack of experience in self defense, the mental toll it's already taking on you is dangerous enough. you deserve good things. you deserve more love than silence. it's not smart or practical. i'm not asking you to leave and never go back to the cabin. i'm asking you to think about what's more fucking important right now. you're important right now, not the cabin." ellie's grip loosens a little at the end, green eyes still shooting daggers at winter's brown pools. disappointment and expectance is evident in her eyes. winter wants to curse herself at the feeling of tears falling down her cheeks again. she's not sure if it's the stern voice, or realizing ellie's disappointed in her, or the stress, or even anger at ellie's anger.
she weakly pushes ellie's hand again, the other's hold tightening again as she makes her gaze icy toward winter. ellie shakes her head, leaning forward more.
"stop pushing me away. if it's too fucking real for you to hear, you need buck up and accept it. the world might as well be decaying and falling apart. it's safe here, winter." winter tries to pull her head back, not succeeding in the slightest.
".. easy doesn't mean safe." winter mumbles, not trusting herself to talk normally.
"alone doesn't mean safe." ellie rushes out, almost cutting the other off. she sighs, leaning back a bit. "and easy does mean safe when you'd have a whole town fighting for your safety. everyone here looks out for one another. sure, there might be a few hateful people here, but when it comes down to the wire, they're some of the first few people ready to sacrifice themselves for others." winter gulps, not liking the tone ellie had. ellie must've caught on, softening her stare and slouching back but not letting go of winter. "i'm. worried." ellie pushes out with raised eyebrows, avoiding what she actually wanted to say.
winter eyes darted between the others, she just wanted this to be over. she didn't want the fighting. she didn't want the harsh words, as true as they were. she didn't want to lose ellie, but this wasn't as easy as ellie wanted it to be. she gently shakes her head is ellie's hand, pausing before speaking quietly.
"it's not that easy.. i-i know it feels like a simple decision for you, but it's r-really not for me." her voice was shaky. "i would be a terrible daughter if i threw away everything my parent's worked very hard for, just for a girl that broke into my house. it'd be a slap in the face to them. a completely disrespectful choice. i'm not even supposed to be here, ellie, i'm supposed to be home." winter nods once on the last word, her tears slowing again. ellie draws a shaky breath in, eyelids fluttering briefly.
"i understand that you feel very responsible for everything. i understand you want to honor them. winter, you can't honor them if you're dead, or hurt and no one can find you in time." ellie says softer than before. winter closes her eyes with a huff, feeling torn apart by the whole situation. ellie gently, but quickly, jerked winter's face up, making the other's eyes shoot open. "goddamn it, look at me. i'm serious about this. i'm serious about not asking you to completely leave your home behind. you think i want to live here indefinitely?" ellie pauses, shaking her head to accentuate her point. "baby, i'm just asking for you to take your health serious, so then you can go back stronger and more prepared." ellie's face relaxes, genuine hints of fear on her features.
winter wants to believe that, so badly. she wants to trust ellie the way she's asking. she wants to put faith in ellie's words. the nagging voice of her dad in the back of her head feels throbbing, though. she felt pulled in every direction possible, her heart felt as if it was splitting in half. she must have taken too long to respond to ellie, the other loosening the hold on her jaw again.
"think about it. i'm not wanting an answer right away. soon though." ellie's hand rubs up winter's cheek, wiping more tears and resting there again. "don't shoot everything down because you feel your parent's wouldn't like it. i'm sure they'd prefer you safe here over dead there." ellie almost whispers, eyebrows turned up with concern.
"they-" ellie quickly cuts winter off, sensing the doubt she was going to spill out.
"they love you. they want you to make it. stop thinking of the only negatives that could come out of this." winter softy squeezes ellie's forearm she's holding.
"someone will take it when i leave though." ellie shakes her head back.
"that's not a guarantee, and if that happened i'd get them to leave. i don't love my switchblade for nothing." she gives a weak smile to winter, the other quietly sighing, feeling her body relax when seeing the other's smile even if she didn't want to.
"i-" ellie quickly shakes her head again, humming 'hmm mm'.
"don't answer now. i don't need one now." winter just stares back, feeling honestly frozen from the whole conversation. after a moment of only winter's sniffles being heard, she nods to ellie. ellie keeps a small smile on her lips, gently and slowly moving her hand up winter's face more to push more hair behind her ear.
the softness against ellie's fingers makes her linger longer than intended. ellie clears her throat at the realization, ripping her hand away from winter finally. she glances over to the clock on the side table, then laying on her side again, winter copying her movement and facing ellie.
"it's only eight, anything you want to do?" ellie questions, watching winter stare over ellie's shoulder in thought. she hums while thinking, now glancing around the room. her eyes fall on her bag, perking up when she sees it.
winter looks over to ellie with a shy smile, sitting up and scooting off the end of the bed. ellie sits up too, turning her body to follow winter's steps.
"give me just a minute, i'll be back." winter barely looks at ellie as she grabs her bag and beelines for the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
she turns on the sink, quickly changing, using the bathroom and rearranging her stuff in her bag. it'd been around five minutes when she pops back out, sitting her backpack propped up against the coffee table with one hand behind her back.
ellie raises her eyebrows with an amused smirk, giggling at the hello kitty covered shorts that stick out just below her black shirt. winter looks down, blushing at the outfit now. she glares back at ellie, who is still laughing.
"shut up! i'm not sleeping in pants if i don't have to. you shouldn't even be allowed to judge, you have the same pants on all the time like it's grown into you." winter huffs, ellie stifling her laugh and putting her hands up defensively.
"no, it's so cute. what do ya got there?" ellie asks, still forcing giggles down, winter can tell by the stupid smile that takes over her face. winter walks over to the bed with a hum, then whipping her hand out when she sits by ellie. she holds the two comics out to ellie with a big smile herself.
"i was going to read them when you would fall asleep, figured we could do it now?" winter nervously adds the last part, cringing at her tense tone. she shouldn't be this anxious asking a simple question. ellie smiles wider, looking up at winter before excitingly snatching the comics from winter and nodding quickly.
"fuck yeah! come here." ellie's enthusiasm making winter giggle and crawl up to sit close to ellie by the pillows. they sit closely, winter shimmying more into ellie's side to read and see the pictures.
ellie starts reading savage starlight in an overexaggerated narrator voice, dramatically drawing words out and flipping pages. ellie glanced over to winter every once in a while, making sure the other was still listening as if she wasn't fully invested. winter thought if ellie was into the series it must be good, she wasn't totally wrong, though she had to stop ellie a few times to ask questions. some words didn't make sense to winter, they weren't familiar to her, and ellie had to explain some points of the plot to winter as she became a bit confused.
when they finish the two comic books, ellie checks the clock and sighs.
"did ya like it?" she turns her head to winter, and the other nodded quickly.
"mhm! you have the others too, right?" winter lifts her brow, looking at ellie's reddening cheeks with the tips of her ears joining.
"yup, i'll send you home with a few, it's ten. time for bed, we have to get up at like four." ellie mumbles, leaning over behind winter and picking up the clock, fidgeting with the buttons to set an alarm for them. winter tries to hide her small pout, nodding slowly. when ellie sets the clock down and looks over at winter, she quickly rambles.
"is it ok if i just read them with you? like we did tonight?.. it was fun, i liked reading it like this." winter nervously picks at her nails, avoiding looking directly at ellie as she already feels herself blush. she did catch how ellie's face lit up though, having to bite back her own smile at the thought.
"yes! i mean, yeah. yeah, sure." ellie had big round eyes, nodding instantly.
"sweet.. go change out of those jeans, if i feel pants on my legs tonight i will strangle you. so uncomfortable." winter playfully scoffs, throwing a look to ellie's legs. ellie opens her mouth, a fake offended stare.
"baby, my pants has grown into me though, remember?" ellie playfully tilts her head, acting shocked at winter's comment.
"go change." winter sighs, not looking at ellie, instead fixing the blankets around her and shoving her legs under the comforter. ellie giggles, lifting herself up slowly and stretching while she walks over to her clothes drawer. she picks out basketball shorts, smirking at winter when they catch eyes as she walks to the bathroom. she waits to hear ellie shut the door before exhaling loudly, lowering herself down onto the pillow behind her.
she faces the rest of the room, patiently waiting for the other. she hears the bathroom open open after a moment, then stuff being moved around.
"do you want anything before we sleep?" ellie asks, shuffling across the cold floor in her socks and scratching her neck. winter shakes her head humming a 'no'. ellie quickly turns off the lights after that, checking that the door was locked then slowly walking to the bed and stopping at the edge.
"you sure you want me to sleep in here with you?" ellie asks softly again, scratching her right arm now. she didn't want to make the other anymore uncomfortable. winter sits up, nodding with pinched brows.
"don't leave. please.." winter says, desperation carrying through her clear worry. when ellie hesitates slightly again while getting under the covers, winter whispers to her, grabbing her attention. "ellie, don't leave." she says sternly, feeling grossly small at the request. ellie's head shoots over to her, blankly looking back, the light from outside and through the curtain just enough to barely see each other.
"ok, ok. yeah, i won't leave, hun. i won't." ellie assures winter, bringing her right hand up to pet over the other's hair a few times. "lay down, it's late." winter nods fast, laying back down facing ellie still.
winter's not sure how it happened, but she woke up hours later to the feeling of the bed shifting. she slowly blinks, opening her eyes just long enough the recognize that she's now facing the window. she lays still, the shifting getting closer, then feeling an arm hook over her side and pull her back. she tensed up, then feeling a head resting on her shoulder. she rushes a hand down to grab the persons arm, quickly feeling the fabric of ellie's long sleeve shirt and sighing. winter relaxes back, sliding her hand down and laying it on the bed by her head again. the heavy, warm breaths from ellie's mouth against the back of winter's shoulders coax her back to sleep faster than usual, winter's mind too sleep dazed to fight it. not that she's sure she wanted to anyway.