Chapter 12
It has been about ten months since Natasha signed those papers that Fury handed to her, ten months since she joined SHIELD. She had four months of interviews and psych screenings, than two months of learning procedures and doing drills, and has been doing missions for about four months and she is still a bit surprised that she didn’t have to spend more time in a cell. She did have to spend quite a bit of time in the quarters at SHIELD, not quite a cell but still not her own space, but that changes today. Natasha is moving into her own apartment today and it is something she had never quite thought she would get.
It isn’t anything fancy, she has stayed in much fancier places while under cover but it is hers. It is just a small two bedroom, tiny kitchen and only one bathroom but it isn’t a safe house, isn’t somewhere that she crashes at when she needs to. This is going to be her space, can maybe feel like a home soon and Natasha still can’t quite believe it, sets the last box she was carrying down and looks around till a voice catches her attention.
“I can help you get some more furniture when you know what you want but you should be able to make due for a bit.”
Clint says this now,puts down his own box. She just gives him a quick smile.
“I should be ok for a bit. Don’t have much, you still going to help me put it away?”
“I will but don’t forget we have to get pizza, it is traditional for moving.”
He says this with a wide smile and Natasha just rolls her eyes a little bit at his excitement.
“You help a lot of people move into their first apartment then?”
Clint shakes his head a bit.
“Not really but that is what they do in the movies and I take any reason I can find to order pizza.”
Natasha rolls her eyes just a bit right now.
“Of course you do . You know that you probably shouldn’t use movies as your basis for what’s normal, right?”
Clint just gives a grin right now.
“I grew up in a circus, I take my cues for normal where I can get them and like I said, any excuse for pizza is good. Let’s unpack your kitchen stuff first and we can make coffee.”
She rolls her eyes now just a bit but can appreciate that he didn’t take the time to point out that she really doesn’t have any more back ground on what is normal than he does. Clint digs out the coffee pot and coffee first and gets it going and the next hour is spent unpacking what she has and what Clint has helped her get the last few weeks. It doesn’t take too long and soon they are putting plates on her small table as they wait for pizza to come.
“Hey, I got you a house warming gift.”
Clint says this once they are finished setting the table and then he is grabbing a small bag and handing it to her.
“Is this another one of your things you got from movies?”
She asks now as she takes the bag and Clint just gives a little nod.
“Yep If you don’t like it, I can take it back.”
He says this simply and Natasha opens it now, pulls out a blanket. It is soft and a deep red, nothing fancy but should be warm.
“I’ll keep it, thanks.”
Clint gives her a bright smile and she just gives a small one in return before taking the blanket into the living room to put on her couch and it isn’t long till there is a knock on the door and pizza is here. They ended up eating with a bit of conversation scattered through out. It isn’t long till the pizza is finished and Clint is heading out. She walks him to her door.
“Thanks for helping me today.”
It is the polite things to say and Natasha does actually mean it. It was nice not having to do all this alone.
“Hey, what are mar…, friends for?”
He started to say marked instead of friends, they both know it but Natasha doesn’t say anything about it. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to pursue too much of a relationship based off the marks. Clint hasn’t pushed for anything regarding their words and Natasha is fine with that right now, is still having trouble thinking of the words as having a meaning and not something that should just be ignored and she is still deciding what she wants from him, how much she should let him in. For now, she just tilts her head a bit now and speaks.
“Is that what we are then, friends?”
She asks and he just gives a little shrug.
“I like to think so or at least we are on our way to that. “
Natasha has never really had friends before, it wasn’t encouraged in the red room and the closest she probably had was her soldier but she doesn’t say any of this to Clint, just gives another brief smile .
“If you say so. See you at training Monday.”
He gives a nod and then he is out the door and Natasha is left alone in her own space. She spends the evening in quiet, reads for a bit, rearranges some of her things just because she can and then she gets ready for rest. She takes a long shower, thankful for hot water and not having to share a bathroom, and then she is starring at the mirror, looking at her marks and it is thinking about so much right now. Sometimes, she thinks about scrapping the marks off again, feels weird just having them there but she doesn’t cut them off. If she cut them off and SHIELD found out, she would probably be put under a closer watch and she doesn’t want that. Right now, she traces her fingers over the ones on her ribs and she thinks about when she might hear them, about the seeds she has put in place for if she does.
Natasha didn’t hide that she had a second set of marks, told just enough that SHIELD knows she cared for the one who said them, that she never expects to see them again, didn’t say who it was but gave them enough hints that they know that her marked has skills that would be useful to them. SHIELD honors marks, has uses for someone like the soldier, and she has laid ground work to possibly be able to use that to give the soldier a new start if he wants it, remembers him telling her that he would run with her if she wanted it. She cared for him more than she should have and a part of her regrets that she didn’t run with him, that the last time she saw him there wasn’t time for him to remember her. She bears no scar from that encounter but sometimes she runs her fingers over her throat and thinks how he could have snapped her neck and didn’t, thinks about how she thought of him as hers once and how maybe he will be again.
As her eyes look over the marks again, she sees one of the only scars she has, the one Clint gave her when he said her other words and she feels just a hint of guilt. She feels like she is using him a bit, using him for this new chance, using him to possibly give her James a chance, and it is a bit of a new feeling for her. Natasha was trained to use others, throw them away when there was no more use for them, but it feels different with Clint. It might be because they are marked, have words, but she doesn’t think that is entirely true. He has been kind to her, kind in a way very few others have been, and she doesn’t want to be cruel to him. She hasn’t told him about her plans involving her other marked, doesn’t feel the need to, but she also isn’t going to hurt him anymore than she has to.
Natasha gets changed into her sleep clothes now, makes a cup of tea and reads a book for a bit but her thoughts keep going back to Clint. Marked are supposed to fit each other somehow, be a match and she had understood it with the soldier but doesn’t understand it with Clint. They work together well enough but he doesn’t quite feel like a fit. She has found out quite a bit about him the last months and she still hasn’t quite figured out why he would be a match for her. He’s a weapon like she is but was not broken down the same way she was. He can perform, wears a mask like she often does but it is not for the same reasons that she does, doesn’t serve the same purpose. Clint was beaten and abused but he wasn’t broken and remade the way she was, can’t understand that part of her. He is keeping something from her despite how much he has shared and she wonders if maybe that is what makes them a match but she dismisses it. Their secrets are not the same.
She is still thinking about Clint as she lays down, replays their day together. He hasn’t pushed for more than she is willing to give, doesn’t make assumptions about what they are supposed to be to each and she appreciates that. Today he said they were friends and Natasha has never really had friends but perhaps Clint can be her first and that feels like something Natasha can give him. A friend may be good and she thinks about that as she falls asleep, safe in her own space.
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“This mission sucked.”
Clint says these words, means them, and has said them several times before but it feels slightly different this time. This isn’t like three years ago where he may have been saying it to an empty safehouse, he isn’t alone but it doesn’t feel like the other times he has said this to Natasha before. This isn’t the first mission they have been on together, she has been with SHIELD for almost three years now, but she isn’t just rolling her eyes at him or sighing in agreement. Instead, she just quietly finishes dressing his bullet wound and then speaks once she is done, turned away from him so he can only see her in profile.
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have left your position. Snipers have nests for a reason.”
There is not much emotion in her voice, the words aren’t spoken with disdain or anger but Clint has learned enough about her over these last couple of years to know that is a deliberate choice. She’s upset and Clint doesn’t think it is just because he got shot, the wound is really just a hit to his shoulder. He thinks it might be more about why he has been shot this time. He has been shot twice before on missions with her over the last few years, injured many times before but this is the first time he has taken a bullet for her.
“I had a reason to leave it this time, don’t regret it.”
He says this simply and she still doesn’t turn to face him, instead getting up and starting to put away the medical supplies.
“I can take care of myself, you should know that. “
She says this, words designed to make him feel guilty but Clint won’t feel guilty about this.
“I know you can take care of yourself, I didn’t block the shot because I don’t think you can handle yourself.”
Natasha finally turns and faces him now, eyes drifting to his bare chest down to the words scattered across his ribs.
“You did it because the first words I said to you are on your skin and that makes you think you owe me some sort of protection and care even though you don’t.”
She says it harshly and Clint is pretty sure she is saying it like that to cover up something but he doesn’t know what. Even after working with her these last couples of years, he still doesn’t know a lot of her secrets or what she is thinking and he doesn’t ask for them. He has his own secret he has been hiding from her but he tries not think about it right now, just needs to say something right now.
“When I stopped the shot, I wasn’t thinking about the words, wasn’t thinking about owing you anything. You’re my friend, my partner, and when I saw what was happening, I just didn’t want to see you get hurt.”
He makes sure she is looking at him now, looking him straight in the eyes. Natasha was taught to read people, to see the truth and he wants her to recognize this as truth because it is. The words didn’t even cross his mind when he saw her in danger. She looks at him for a long moment now and then speaks one word softly.
“Really?”
She arches a bow when she says it and he knows that she is accepting it as truth but is still not happy with the situation. He reaches out and puts a hand on her shoulder and Natasha doesn’t move away from it.
“Really. I can’t promise I won’t do it again but I will try to prevent myself from being shot as well if I can help it.”
These words get him a really brief smile from Natasha and the tension she has been carrying in her shoulders since they got to the safehouse lesson just a bit.
“Make sure you do that, I don’t want to have to break in a new partner. They are getting us in the morning, I’ll get us some food started if you want to clean up first.”
He just gives her a nod, doesn’t even make a request for what she is going to pick out. Clint will usually try to push for the frozen pizza he keeps in most of his safe house when he is hurt but he decides not to try to do that today, doesn’t want to strain things between them right now. Instead, he gets out some clothes and gets cleaned up a bit and makes his way to the kitchen after a bit. Natasha is there, stirring something on the stove and she turns to him now.
“Soup is cooking, stir it every once in a while. Coffee is done, your cup’s there. When the timer is off, pull the tray out of the oven, got it?”
He just gives a nod and then Natasha is leaving to take her turn getting cleaned up and changed. He takes the cup of coffee, just the way he likes and he stirs the soup like he was told to and gets down bowls and some plates after he does. It doesn’t take long till the timer goes off and Clint is opening up the oven as Natasha walks back in and what he sees on the tray makes him smile just a bit.
“Surprised you would do both pizza and soup.”
He says this as he use potholders to take it out and set on the part of the stove not occupied with the soup. Natasha just shrugs a bit as she goes to a drawer and pulls out a knife to cut the pizza with.
“Your body needs calories to heal and the frozen stuff doesn’t last as long as canned so might as well use some of it now.”
He gets the feeling that she put the pizza in just cause of today but he won’t say anything about it, instead dishes up the soup as she cuts the pizza. The food doesn’t last long after they sit down and they clean up and play cards for a bit before heading to rest. He is getting ready to crawl into bed when he hears Natasha come into the room, turns and sees her in the doorway, highlighted just a bit from the hall light they always keep on in this safe house.
“It will be warmer if we share tonight and we have shared a bed before so scoot over.”
She says this simply and it is true enough that they have shared before but that had usually been when there is only one bed but Clint doesn’t say that. Instead he just gives a little nod and scoots over like she said.
“Don’t steal all the covers or it won’t be any warmer for me.”
He says this with just a hint of teasing and Natasha rolls her eyes but holds up another blanket as she comes closer.
“Good thing I came prepared then.”
She says it and gives him a smile, a soft unguarded one and it makes something in Clint’s stomach flutter just a bit and then she crawls into bed beside him. They both say good night then and close their eyes but Clint doesn’t fall asleep, just thinks about the woman laying next to him and his mind wanders a bit to flutter he felt earlier, to the words on their skin, and everything that goes with them.
That flutter he felt earlier when she smiled, it almost feels like the beginning of something, could be love, but Clint isn’t sure that is in the cards for them even if they do share words. Natasha has two sets of words on her skin, was taught that they didn’t matter, could be a weakness and she is moving past a lot of her training but that one is still sticking a bit. She hasn’t told him much about her other set and Clint thinks sometimes that she is hiding something about that set, that that set does matter somehow but he won’t try to dig at her secrets when he has his own.
He has never told her about his words being said before her, has never told her about the soldier. He is keeping that from SHIELD and doesn’t want to make her do the same. This is her second chance and Clint doesn’t want to risk ruining it for her. Sometimes, he thinks that is why they have the words, that it really was just a way to get her a second chance and he tries not to feel too badly about it, just hopes he can do the same for the soldier eventually though he hasn’t seen him in years. Clint will help them both when he can even if they aren’t really his and he makes that promise to himself again as he finally lets himself try to fall asleep.
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