Chapter 7
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It has been a week and a half since the mission started and Natasha can admit to herself she is enjoying it more than most missions even if it is going slow. Usually she wants to have the mission done as quickly as possible but this one she doesn’t mind lasting longer and she tells herself it is only partly because of the soldier. She knows it has more to do with him than she wants to admit but she has to be careful when working with him. He is her marked and they have only been allowed to work together because they both understand that it can never be more, that marks are not really something they should have. She sort of wishes that she could at least show him her marks but they probably won’t come back till after the mission and so she contents herself with seeing her mark on his skin and letting herself pretend just a bit that she can keep him this time.
“Do your words change?”
He asks her now. They are alone, back home for the evening, changing from the clothes they had worn out and he had seen her staring at his words again and he asks the question now. She gives a little nod.
“Yours do. They are always cut off but they come back different each time, the other set always comes back the same.”
“The other set? You have more than one set of words?”
He asks now and she hadn’t meant to revel that, it had just come out now and she gives a shrug of her shoulders now.
“I do but they do not matter, I have never heard them. You have another set as well, do you know if those change like mine do?”
He had told her about them before and she has seen them now. She has always known that the soldier can’t be hers, even if the words could be a bit of a claim, she can’t keep him but she has always liked the idea that maybe that her words are special in a way. She knows that if the words are a claim of sorts then she isn’t just his either but she has never heard the other words and they do not feel as real to her as his do. Winter speaks now and it draws her attention back to him.
“I do not think they do and my orders have never changed for those, just like they have never for you. I’m supposed to take the person who says them in, deliver them so they may be of use. It is one of the things I can always remember.“
A strange feeling runs through her at what he is saying, one that she tries to not ever let herself feel. Jealousy is something she rarely experiences, only really happened when she was younger and other girls were given praise, and she tries to push it down. It is an odd thing to be jealous of, the fact that he remembers the other words, is allowed to remember them while he must forget hers. Right now, she decides to push the thought away, brushes a quick kiss against his lips because she can, because she can still say it is so they are both used to it still, and then speaks.
“We should eat. Anything you want?”
He takes a few moments to decide, he usually does, isn’t used to making choices but he does decide and they make a quick dinner. The rest of the night is simple, eating, cleaning up, checking their weapons. He watches her as she cleans and sharpens her knives, speaks as she tests how sharp it is.
“You cut your finger when I first showed you how to sharpen them, you didn’t cry, let me bandage it and then wiped the blade clean.”
He says this like it has just come to him and maybe it has but she smiles at him now, is a little pleased he is remembering more of their past .
“I didn’t want to leave it dirty. That cut is one of the only marks I have been allowed to keep. “
It is the truth, she is not allowed to be too marked. Any marks they thought might district from her beauty are not allowed to stay, are removed but that one is small enough that it was allowed to remain. She thinks it is there as a reminder of some of her mistakes, to remind her of her training. Natasha doesn’t mind it too much, reminds her that she bleeds, that she can be marked, reminds her to be careful.
“Can I see it?”
He asks now and she just gives a nod, puts away the knife she was working on, moves closer to him. She holds out her right index finger out to him, shows him the small white line on the pad of it. He touches it softly with the tip of his right finger, his flesh hand. It is a gentle touch and she doesn’t mind it at all. He moves his finger away after a moment and then speaks again.
“I don’t remember you testing your knife like that after that. You learned quickly.”
It is a compliment and she can remember him giving her ones like that before.
“I had a good teacher. We should get some rest soon.”
She says this now and he gives a nod, helps her make sure everything is put away. They go into their night routine then, checking over everything one more time, washing up together before retreating to the bedroom and turning off the lights. She lays close to him and right before she falls asleep, she can feel his arms wrap around her. It is nice, a comfort of sorts and she hopes she doesn’t miss it too much when she has to give it up again.
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The soldier has been out of the cold for a while now, almost three weeks, and he is still able to focus on his mission but he is a bit distracted at times, feelings and pieces of memories coming to the surface and he tries not to think about them too much. He doesn’t mind the memories of Natasha coming back, though he thinks it may make it harder to walk away from her again, but some of the other memories are making him unsure of what he is doing and he tries to ignore those, focus on the mission and Natasha. Right now, they are sparring in the basement of the house, keeping in practice and she is so much more deadly than she was when she was younger. She manages to get a few good hits on him and he returns them. He ends up cutting her arm as they finish up, just a small one but it draws blood.
“I’ll help you clean that.”
He says this now and she just gives him a little nod and smile. They put away the knives they were using and go upstairs to the little bathroom where he wets a cloth and starts cleaning her small cut. It is simple and he gets a flash of doing this before, not with her but someone else, some one small and close to him. The flicker is gone as soon as it comes and he tries not to think about it, focuses on her instead, speaks softly.
“It is hardly anything, probably won’t even scar. Sorry if this stings.”
She just shrugs a bit.
“It isn’t so bad. I have had worse, I’m sure you have too.”
“I have. My punishments always make me bleed.”
He says this and she just gives a little nod, probably understands the pain of punishments, have probably had her own. There had been a punishment before this mission, he was told about it and he has remembered some of it now, remembers he didn’t mind it, knows that he should have been punished for more than just not finding the one who took his target, he thinks he did something he wasn’t supposed to but he can’t remember yet. Maybe it will come to him but he isn’t sure if he wants it to.
“I think it is so you’ll remember it, it is what they told me.”
She says this and he just gives a nod, helps her put a bandage on the small cut and then they move away from the bath room, make a small meal and settle down in front of the TV. It has been a little strange, having this down time, able to fill it as he wishes but he doesn’t mind it too much and Natasha finds an old movie on tv. It is enjoyable enough, a story about Robin Hood and the arrows seem so familiar to him, makes him tense up just a bit.
“I have never seen one of those used in real life before, probably not used much anymore though I suppose they would be quiet.”
Natasha says this now and James finds himself speaking before thinking about it too much.
“They are, can be quiet and quick but you have to collect the arrows after. I have collected one from one of my targets before, my last mission.”
He knows this, can see it in his mind now, can see the arrow. He tracked down the one who did it, he is sure of it now but he isn’t sure why he didn’t eliminate them. Natasha just looks at him now, asks a question.
“You remember your last mission?”
She asks and he gives an answer.
“Starting to, bits and pieces. I was punished for it, didn’t follow my orders, suppose to kill any one who takes a target but I didn’t. It was a mistake.”
He doesn’t have to say anything more than that, she just gives a little nod and changes the channel, finds something else and he tries not to think too much more about his last mission. It is the current one that matters.
That night, while he lays next to Natasha, warm for the moment, he dreams of blonde hair and smiles. He is pretty sure he has dreamed of these things before but they are not quite the same, somehow he knows it isn’t the blonde hair and smiles that comes to him when he is out of the chair too long . This smile is different and there are arrows there as well, arrows and chocolate and warmth and he misses it when he wakes but Natasha moves a little closer to him as he wakes and it is enough right now.
The next few days pass and more memories start to come, memories of before, memories of his last mission, memories of his words being said, of blond hair, blue eyes, and a smile . He wakes up one morning and knows that his other set had been said and he finds himself looking at them in the mirror that morning, wondering if they had changed and he just doesn’t remember but they are the same, he is sure of it. There are conflicted feelings about this, it means that he is never going to see him again, see that smile he has been dreaming about it, but it also means he won’t have to bring him to Hydra. He is safe, at least he should be, but he is good enough shot that he took a target from the soldier and if Hydra realizes that, he won’t be safe. There is the thought briefly that the reason the words haven’t changed is because he has been killed and the soldier presses fingers against the words now, needs to feel them.
“Everything alright?”
Natasha is at the door way of the bathroom now, is looking at him with a little bit of worry in her eyes. He thinks about it for just a moment before giving an answer.
“Just thinking about things that are coming back to me. Do you think we deserve choices, deserve to decide what we can be?”
He asks now, wants to know and she tilts her head at the question, almost seems a little taken aback at it. There is a moment’s pause before she answers and he wonders if she has ever thought of it before.
“It is dangerous to think about that. Besides, I have known nothing but this, no reason to think about other ways to live.”
She says it and it sounds rehearsed in a way, like something she has told herself before and it lets him know that she has thought about it but that she is resigned to all of it. Maybe that is for the best but her words make something uneasy settle in his gut but he pushes it aside, tries to focus on other things.
“You are right, we should do those eggs again for breakfast.”
Those words are meant as a distraction and he is sure that she knows this but she still smiles and gives a nod. He can’t keep the thought of choices out of his head, the words his other marked said to him about deserving choices and he is starting to think maybe the words are right, at least for her. Natasha deserves choices, he is sure of that but he doesn’t know how to give them to her. If they left, maybe she could chose for herself but she is right, that is a dangerous thought and he tries to push it aside.
More days pass and the mission will be over soon, they will have to say good bye again and there is no guarantee that he will see her again, that he will remember her. He doesn’t want to forget her, doesn’t want to forget that he has people who care, doesn’t want to forget that he has another marked that he has managed to protect. He decides that it might be worth it to run, that it is the only way that he would be able to keep this, that they would be able to keep this, but it isn’t a choice he can make by himself. Natasha deserves choices and he will offer her this one.
She is laying in his arms right now, her soft red hair against his skin, and he brushes a small kiss against her forehead. She smiles at him, different than the smile that he dreams about that he may not see again, but it still fills him with warmth and he doesn’t want to lose it. He takes a breath and then speaks, hopes that she can make this choice for both of them.
“If you wanted to leave, not to return to them, I would go with you.”
He says it, speaks it out loud and he knows she hears the question in it, the promise. He is asking her if she wants to run and promising to help her do it. He didn’t think he could run with the other, didn’t want to risk being caught and his marked being turned into a weapon, but she is already one and he wants to give her the chance to decide if it is what she wants. He has asked and now he has to wait for her answer.
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“If you wanted to leave, not to return to them, I would go with you.”
The words are spoken softly but clearly and she is surprised to hear them, surprised that he is asking her to run. That is what this is, they both know it and she looks up at him now, isn’t quite sure how to answer. It is not something that she has expected from him. The mission has always came first, has to come first but now he is asking her to leave it and she doesn’t quite understand why. Natasha just looks at him for a long moment and he speaks again, words just as soft and clear as before.
“It is your choice, I want you to have a choice in what you are.”
He has spoken about choices before and they both know that choices are not something weapons are supposed to have. Natasha doesn’t have a choice in what she is, she is too stained with blood to be anything other than what she is, but there is something sweet about the fact that he thinks she could have a choice, could be something else. It is sweet and she brushes a quick kiss against his lips, is almost tempted by it, but she shakes her head after just a moment.
“I can’t run, there is nowhere else to go, we both know that. Let’s get some sleep.”
He just gives a nod and holds her a little bit tighter and Natasha closes her eyes, tries not to think about the other reasons why they can’t run. If they were to run and get caught, there would be punishments, harsh and cruel ones and they would never see each other again, she is sure of it. This is something she can’t keep, she knows that, but she gets to have it every once in a while right now, but if they run and fail, she loses even these little moments, both of them will lose these little moments and she can’t risk that, won’t risk that and she thinks he understands that. They hold each other tight through the night and the next morning they do their duty.
The mission is over soon after that and they have to leave each other, exchange one last kiss. Her words have not returned yet and she almost wishes that they had, that he could see them like she has seen her own on his skin. Instead, she grabs his hand and puts against her ribs, against where the words would be. He rubs his fingers against the spot and speaks.
“You told me once that is where my words are. Maybe one day, I’ll get to see them there.”
There is a bit of longing in his voice and they both know it probably won’t happen but Natasha gives a small smile.
“Maybe. We need to go check in now.”
He gives a nod and moves his hand away and they separate then, each going back to their handlers. Natasha wonders how long he gets to keep the memories of her this time,wonders about it longer than she should and tries not to think about what it would be like if he didn’t have to forget her. She goes about her duty and just a week after she leaves her soldier, words appear on her skin, the ones on her hip the same as always and the ones across her ribs different than last time. She looks at them, feels a tiny bit of relief that they are not the same and wonders about what is going to cause them to be said. She looks at them for a moment, thinks about things hidden and hopes that they are said soon.
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