Chapter 2
Nothing really changes after the words are cut off. Natasha is still given missions, still completes them, is still one of the best agents that the red room has ever produced. She does her job, does it well and life goes on much the same as it did before and when the words reappear a few weeks after they are cut off, Natasha is back under the knife, getting them scrapped off again and she wonders how many times this will happen, if it will happen every few weeks till she dies or if eventually the words won’t come back. She isn’t sure which would be better and she tries not to think about it and she succeeds for the most part. She doesn’t think about the words much until a mission that she is not alone for.
It is a joint mission, an operative coming in from another branch and Natasha recognizes him when she sees him, has never forgotten the Winter Soldier though it has been years since she last saw him. The winter soldier is a legend, one spoken about with fear and awe, one that many believes to just be that, a legend, a myth but Natasha knows he is real, was trained by him once. She was so young then, small and not as strong as she is now but he had not pulled his punches and she can remember how his hits had hurt, how the metal of his hand felt against her skin, the marks he left upon her. She also remembers him helping her up after knocking her down, remembers his words of praise and smiles when she did well. There had been a kindness to him that not many of her teachers had and she had always wonder if she would see him again and here he is, looking just as she remembers, as if he has not aged since then though she is very different than the little girl he taught.
He is quiet during the meeting with the handlers, barely says anything, just stands at attention and listens to their instructions and Natasha takes glances of him when she can. The winter soldier is beautiful in his own way, not quite the way that Natasha is but still beautiful. Her beauty hides how dangerous she can be, hides the weapon that she is but the winter soldier radiates just how dangerous a weapon he can be. It is in the way he stands alert, the way there is very little expression on his face, the tension in his body and Natasha wonders if he still smiles like he used to. She will probably not find out on this mission but when they are left alone, she does take the chance to speak to him, to see if he remembers her like she remembers him.
“Vy byli moim uchitelem odin raz.”
She says this, the Russian coming out smoothly and he turns and looks at her. There is expression on his face now, a bit of confusion and then realization of something but no real recognition of her. He speaks after just a moment and the words cause her to stiffen.
“YA tebya ne pomnyu. YA ne davali .”
Those words do not adorn her skin right now but they did once and she remembers them clearly, had wondered who would say them. It has happened now and she wonders if the words she said adorn his skin or it they were cut off as well. She wants to ask but there is something about his words that cause her to ask another question instead.
“Budete li vy pomnite menya posle etogo?”
She doesn’t ask why he doesn’t remember her, she knows what can be done ,enough of her own memories are blocked but she wants to know if he might remember her after this.
“YA ne znayu. Yest' prikaz sledovat' , ya dolzhen zavershit' svoyu missiyu . Eti slova ne imeyut znacheniya .” He says this simply and Natasha understands duty, understands orders. They are both weapons after all, forged and used and that is why the words are unimportant. Duty comes first and she gives a simple nod and her own words.
“U menya yest' svoi zakazy , a takzhe. My zakonchim missiyu .”
It is her way of letting him know that she understands, that the mission comes first. He just looks at her for a long moment, eyes a dark blue and he stands so still and she wonders if he would move if she touched him. She takes one step closer to him now, reaches a hand out and places it gently on the forearm of his metal arm, curls fingers around it. He looks at her still, something softening in his expression and she wonders how often he gets touched.
“Can you feel that?”
She switches to English now, remembers him using it before, remembers that at times there had been just a hint of American accent and she wants to see if he still has that. He seems so much like she remembers but different at the same time and she is curious about him. There can’t be anything between them even though they have each other’s words but it can’t hurt to find out just a little bit about him right now while there is time, before their handlers come back.
“Feel the pressure of your hand but not the warmth.”
The words are clear, his voice holding just that hint of accent still and she uncurls her hand now, moves it to his other arm, to where she can see the bare skin of his wrist just where his jacket sleeve ends. She hesitates for just a moment and he gives a small nod, like permission that she can touch him. She does, wraps her fingers around his wrist, feels the warmth of his skin, feels the pulse beating there.
“Your fingers are soft.”
He says this, is just staring at her and she says nothing just gently rubs her thumb along his pulse. It is strong and steady and she likes how he doesn’t try to move from her grasp, just lets her touch. They stay like that for a few seconds till the sound of the door opening can be hear and Natasha lets go now, steps away from the soldier and soon enough the handlers are back in the room and it is time to do their duty.
The mission goes well, the target is dead soon enough and Natasha does not get a chance to speak to the soldier again. She tells herself it doesn’t matter, that it can’t matter, but she wonders how it would be if it did, if she could speak to him again, get to know him. It isn’t something that can happen so she pushes the thought aside until the words reappear again. This time both sets of them are in English, the one about chances still the same but the ones across her ribs are different and she knows that she will see the soldier again.
She does see him again, another mission, but this time he says her words first, right before they are to head out, no handlers in sight.
“I will be in the tower, I will cover you.”
Those words were across her ribs just a week ago and she just gives a little nod now, speaks to see what he will do.
“I know you will.”
She sees a brief look of recognition and on instinct she takes a step closer, reaches a hand out. He lets her take a hold of his wrist for just a moment before he speaks.
“The mission has to be finished. “
She gives a simple nod and lets go of his wrist now. They go about their mission and this time when they finish, there are a few minutes that they are left alone in the safe house waiting to be picked up and she asks a question that she has asked before but in English this time.
“ Will you remember me after this?”
He looks at her for a moment before he answers.
“I don’t know. I have met you before this, haven’t I? “
“Yes, you taught me when I was younger and we did a mission together before this. Do you have the words I first said to you written somewhere?”
She has wondered about this, wonders if they are cut off like hers, if they have come back, and he gives a nod now.
“Can I see them?”
He hesitates for just a moment before he lifts his shirt turns so she can see the writing across his hip. There in small neat letters are the words she said earlier, sprawled across his skin. It is one thing to know that someone had her words, one thing to hear them, but it is different to see them there, on his skin. Natasha leans just a little closer, places one finger against his skin and traces the words there, needs to feel them. He stiffens just a bit before relaxing into her touch and he speaks just as she is finishing tracing.
“Can I see my words?”
He asks softly, looking at her and she sees something flash in his eyes when she shakes her head. She doesn’t owe him an explanation but she gives one anyway.
“They are not there right now, have been cut off. They will come back later but they may be different, they were this time. They were here.”
She moves her hand away from his words, gestures to her ribs now, where the words would be if they were still there but she does not lift up her shirt like he did his, doesn’t want him to see the skin devoid of words. He holds his flesh hand out now and she gives a little nod and he places it against where she had gestured, runs fingers over where the words would be, touch light and she can feel the warmth of his hand through her shirt.
“I have some words here as well but you didn’t say them. “
He says this and it makes her curiosity rise just a bit. He has another set of words, just like she does, and she wonders what that could mean.
“Have you heard them before?”
“I do not remember but I do not think so. There are orders in place and they have not changed for either set of words.”
He says this so simply, like it is nothing more than a fact and Natasha knows that for him it is, just like the words being cut off are a fact for her.
“What are your orders for my words?”
She asks now and he still hasn’t moved his hand away yet.
“To take no action, finish my assignment and report back to base. What are your orders?”
He says this and she suspected as much.
“Like yours, no action is to be taken because of the words. They are a distraction, nothing more.”
Her voice sounds steady and he gives a nod at her words, moves his hand away now and she misses the warmth just a bit. It is not that she goes without touch, she gets touched a lot but it is almost always by targets, by marks. She allows them to touch her so she can get close but his touch had been different, she allowed it because she wanted it, not because she needed to and it had been gentle. Natasha hasn’t had much gentle, much softness, but this little moment of it had been nice.
“They should be here soon, we should get ready.”
It is all the soldier says and then he is rising from his spot. Natasha lets him, goes about what she needs to do as well and soon enough they are separated again.
She sees him again just a couple of weeks later, her words have not returned yet and there is no real recognition in his eyes when he looks at her and she knows that he doesn’t really remember her once again. It shouldn’t matter but it does for some reason and Natasha tries not to think about why it does. The mission goes well and they get a few moments alone and she debates whether she should say anything to him this time when he moves just a bit closer to her, his flesh hand near hers and she brushes her fingers against it without really thinking about it.
“Vashi pal'tsy stanut myagkimi.”Those words come out softly and she looks at him now, gives him just a little smile and wonders how many times they may say the same thing to each other in different words. “Tak chto ya skazal ran'she.” There is a brief moment of realization in his eyes, just a flicker and something that almost seems like recognition but they don’t really have a chance to talk about it. His handlers are back in the room and soon they are separated again and Natasha wonders if this time it will be permanent but just a week later, words appear on her skin and she knows that she will see him again.
++-+-+-+