Holes

He had absolutely no idea what to say to Coulson. Before he touched the staff, everything seemed so easy, but now he saw more of the truth.

Christian had forced him to hurt Thomas. It was never his idea.

John Garrett had dumped him in the woods alone where he could have died.

When he wanted to leave, Garrett tried to drown him.

A few months after Garrett had come back, Ward had told him that he thought about going home and accepting what he had done. Garrett and he were fishing when he told him. He said he appreciated what Garrett did to him, but he had time to think. He needed to take responsibility for hurting Thomas and setting the house on fire.

Garrett seemed agreeable but a moment later pushed Ward into the lake. He jumped in and held his head underwater until he lost consciousness.

He woke up coughing and struggling to breath with Garrett looking over him with concern. He said he had fallen in and Garrett had saved him. He convinced him that going home was stupid. That no one cared about him and he would just end up in jail alone. It didn’t help that Ward soon got very sick from something in the water and Garrett nursed him back to health. Being kinder to him than his mother ever did who never looked after him if he was sick. It had always been the nanny.

For the longest time, Ward didn’t remember that Garrett was the one who tried to drown him. He had eventually come to believe the lie that he fell in.

“Ward?” Coulson asked. “I don’t want to lecture you about using the staff when you shouldn’t have. I thought we might have a friendly chat about what’s bothering you.”

He couldn’t say anything. Garrett had said never to trust anyone. He barely knew Coulson. He worried if he told Coulson the truth, he would hate him and call him a monster. The mission wasn’t personal but Coulson would take it that way. Garrett had told him so. Coulson was fair, but if he ever told him the truth, Coulson would lock both of them away forever.

Ward looked down at the table. There was an uncomfortable silence for he didn’t know how long.

“The team is worried about you. Skye and Simmons particularly.”

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t look up either. They would hate him if they knew. Garrett always said. ‘You say anything about our relationship or Hydra they’ll hate you. I won’t ever.’

“Ward, can you look up?”

Ward managed to lift his head. He looked into Coulson’s eyes.

“Is it very bad?”

He hesitated for a long time. Garrett said that despite what he did to Thomas, despite burning down the house, he would never hate him, but he tried to kill him and then made Ward forget what he had done. Before the mission didn’t seem like a bad thing. Now he felt like it might hurt someone. All his team had done for him, since he touched the staff, was be concern about his welfare. They cared about him and he felt the same for them.

“What if I told you I wouldn’t be mad? How bad can it be?”

“Very bad,” he finally choked out. So bad he knew Coulson wouldn’t be able to keep his promise.

“About your brothers?”

“Yes,” he said. Maybe he could let a little truth out. Maybe something to satisfy Coulson. “I hurt my brother Thomas.”

“Children can do stupid things,” Coulson said and he wasn’t mad. “Kids can be bullies and then grow up to be good people. I saw your records. You seemed to have straighten out.”

“What I didn’t remember that my older brother Christian hurting me until I did the same to Thomas.”

“Is that what the staff made you see?”

“Yes.”

“But there’s more, isn’t there? Someone tried to drown you. Was it your brother?”

Ward looked down again. It would have been so easy to lie and blame Christian. Coulson would understand him and Ward could finish his mission and save Garrett. Get the intel and get out. No harm done.

Except he didn’t want to anymore, but he was afraid of Coulson and Garrett. He was terrified of their anger and hatred. If Ward betrayed Garrett and that angered Coulson, he would be alone again. Garrett might have done horrible things to him, but he was the only one on his side. The only one who hadn’t thought he was a monster for what he had done to Thomas. He was the only one who believed him.

But was Garrett really on his side?

“Ward, who tried to drown you?”

He didn’t say anything for a long time again.

“It wasn’t your brother?”

He still couldn’t say it.

“You won’t believe me,” was all he managed to croak out.

“Try me, Ward. You’ll be surprised. I prefer the truth from you rather than find out another way--” He paused. “Who hurt you?”

He thought of being left to survive by his wits and nearly being poisoned. He remembered Garrett holding his head under water and the panic that set in when he couldn’t breath. Could he trust Coulson? He didn’t know. Garrett always said to never trust anyone.

“Ward—Please. Whoever it is, they can’t hurt you.”

That was a lie, but still Ward sputtered out: “John Garrett. It was John Garrett.”

Coulson looked confused. “Your former SO?”

Ward nodded.

“When?”

“We were fishing.”

Coulson looked even more confused. “Why did he do it?”

“Because I wanted to leave.”

“Leave where? When was this? How old were you?”

“When I was 16.”

Coulson looked even more confused. “Wait? What? I thought you met John Garrett when you got out of operations.”

Ward shook his head. “No, when I was 15, I set fire to my parent’s house. John Garrett broke me out of juvie and told me I was recruited to join SHIELD.”

Coulson shook his head. “We only take potential scientists that young. Operations is 18 and over, preferably after college or a military stint.”

“I never finished High School, I never went to college.”

“You speak six languages?”

“I learned Spanish when I was 13, I learned the rest in the woods from books and tapes John gave me.”

Coulson looked at him, confused. “The woods?”

“Garrett took me to a patch of land he owned in the middle of nowhere and left me there with his dog.”

Coulson no longer looked concerned. He actually looked at little angry. Ward felt startled.

He must have realized it, because he said. “I’m not mad at you. What the hell was John Garrett thinking? How long did he keep you out there? A few months?”

“Five years.”

Silence filled the room again until Coulson said. “What the hell? Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

Ward paused for a long time. He could see Coulson’s anger rising. He didn’t know what to do. He felt like an idiot. Why didn’t he tell anyone?

Coulson again must have realized his anger. He calmed down. “Ward, please. Tell me everything.”

“Until I touched the staff, my memories were different. I thought Garrett saved me from my family, but he wasn’t any different.”

“Ward, I had no idea. I’ll talk to Fury about this. SHIELD shouldn’t have done something like this. It’s barbaric. Your records say you had some trouble in high school—but never this.”

Ward looked down. He didn’t know if he could say anything more. He could leave it here, but if Coulson went to Fury, it would all come out. Garrett always told him if he said anything they would never believe him.

“Ward?” He couldn’t say anything. Coulson wasn’t mad now at him but he would be. He wouldn’t understand and think he was weak and stupid. He already felt weak and stupid because Garrett manipulated him. “There’s more, isn’t there?”

Nothing. What could he say or do that wouldn’t make the team hate him?

“And it’s doesn’t have to do with your past, am I right?”

Ward could barely nod.

“And it’s something that will upset me? That’s why you can’t say it.”

He wished he hadn’t said anything to begin with. Why was he so weak? He should have stuck to the mission.

“Ward, look at me.” He looked up. Coulson didn’t look angry. “You know Garrett did something bad to you. And if he wanted you to something bad to me, let me know. Even if I’m angry, I won’t be as much if you tell me the whole truth.”

He took a deep breath. Could he take this risk? He wasn’t supposed to get close to the team, he wasn’t supposed to care about them, but he couldn’t help it. Garrett was right; he couldn’t fight that weakness.

“Garrett is the person we’re chasing.”

There, it was out. Done. Whatever the consequences would just happen. There was nothing he could do to take it back.

Coulson didn’t say anything for a long time.

“He’s in charge of Centipede?” he finally said.

Ward nodded.

“And you were placed on my team to stop us?” Coulson wasn’t mad at least.

Ward shook his head. “I have nothing to do with that. Garrett is dying. He needs to know how you came back to life. Project Centipede all boils down to keeping him alive. Until the staff showed me what really happened, all I wanted to do with save Garrett. When he came to me, I was so broken, so dead inside, I couldn’t resist him. But I didn’t remember that when he abandoned me in the woods, I nearly died and that when I wanted to leave, he tried to kill me.”

Coulson looked mad again.

“Is that it?” he said.

One more thing. And if he said it, he risked everyone and himself. He liked his team, but any one of them could be Hydra.

“Ward,” his tone was louder. “Is that it? Look, I don’t think you fully understand what Garrett did to you. He left you alone in the woods so he could control you. You don’t owe him anything.”

“Hydra,” he said, before he could think about it. “Hydra is inside SHIELD.”

“Hydra? You mean the organization that Carter and Cap destroyed?”

“Different people, same name.”

“And you and Garrett are part of Hydra.”

“Yes and no.”

Coulson was mad now. He didn’t hide it behind his poker face.

“What does that even mean?” He snapped.

For a change Ward wasn’t upset at Coulson’s angry, he expected it. “John and I have no loyalties to Hydra or to SHIELD. All I cared about was keeping John alive and all he cared about is staying alive. He’ll use everything at his disposal to live.”

Wariness came over him, but for some reason he also felt relieved. Whatever happened now, it no longer mattered.

“Ward, look up.”

He did but his head started feeling heavy.

“And you met Garrett 15 years ago?”

“Yes.”

“And Hydra was in SHIELD then?”

“Yes.”

“I need more intel.”

“I will tell you everything but—“

“But what?”

“Do you believe me?”

Coulson looked at him oddly.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because no one ever has. I’m a spy. I lie for a living, but every time I try to tell the truth, I’m shut down.”

“I won’t shut you down. Tell me about Hydra?”

“Hydra has many heads. I can’t tell you what every head is doing. I can only tell you what I know. But Coulson, they could be anyone. Even people on our team—But I don’t think they are—I just don’t know who to trust. You could be Hydra for all I know.”

“Ward. I’m not Hydra. I promise and I believe you.”

He felt relief at that statement. He took in a deep breath but still his eyes felt heavy now and then his vision blurred. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He felt physically ill. It felt like all the blood had rushed to his head.

“Ward?”

He felt someone grab him by his shoulders before he fell. Coulson brought him into a standing position.

He wasn’t standing long. Coulson helped into the cot. He felt sick to his stomach but didn’t vomit.

Coulson was surprisingly gently. He placed a pillow under Ward’s head and put a blanket over him.

“What’s wrong with me?” he muttered.

“Nothing,” Coulson said. “It’s psychologically. You are breaking Garrett’s programming.”

Ward didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to think anymore. Garrett had done terrible things to him but not following him anymore left a void. SHIELD wouldn’t fill it either.

But his team could. Coulson believed him and didn’t hate him. That was all that mattered.

“When you wake up, you’ll tell me everything. Eventually we have to tell this to Fury but in the meantime we need to figure out a way to get Garrett.”

“My word against his—“

“I know. We’ll figure out something when you’re awake. When I tell Fury, there will probably be consequences for you, but I’ll make sure he completely understands what Garrett did and that you confessed on your own.”

Ward was almost asleep now. But Coulson said one more thing before he drifted off.

“We’ll make Garrett pay for what he did to you.”