Holes

Coulson found Skye waiting for him in the lounge area. The plane was already in the air and it was a few hours until they reached the Fridge.

“How is he?” she asked. She looked scared.

“He’s still unconscious but he’s stable. What’s going on with Randolph?”

“He’s still in Seville packing up some of his things. He’ll stay for a few days. We can coordinate meeting him when we get to the Fridge.”

“Good.”

“AC, don’t be so hard on him,” she pleaded. Strong enough that Coulson thought about letting the whole thing go but he couldn’t. What he did made no sense and Coulson needed answers.

“This isn’t like him,” he explained. “He has a flawless record since he joined SHIELD. He’s not known to ever do anything stupid.”

“You’re not, gonna, like kick him out of SHIELD.” She held up her bracelet. “Cause I think what I did was a little bit worse.”

“No—I’ll give him a stern lecture, but I really want to know why he did it.” Coulson was a little mad, but he was worried too. This seemed very unlike Ward.

“The staff made him see things,” she explained. Coulson smiled because Skye only cared about Ward’s welfare. “Maybe he wanted to see more.”

Coulson didn’t respond.

“AC, you know Ward would jump out of plane for any of us, but he’s not exactly Mr. Open.”

“Skye, did he mention anything when you last saw him?”

“I offered him a shoulder. He refused. Said he needed air. I think he saw something horrible from his past. Did you know his older brother used to bully him and his younger brother?”

Coulson said nothing. He didn’t tell Skye that it was worse than that. However it was in private and in Ward’s files for only higher ups to see. He also know Ward had had been sent to military school and he was problematic for a year before strengthening out, going to college, until he got accepted at operations when he was 20. Since then, he was known to never question orders. He was a little rough around the edges, refusing to take a partner, sticking with the same SO for 8 years. Ward’s shyness surprised Coulson considering how outgoing John Garrett was. He was surprised Garrett never brought the young man out of his shell. Skye seemed to be doing a better job.

Still he didn’t understand why Ward had done this. It was unlike him. To break open a secure container and touch an alien artifact that already had damaged him seemed insane.

“He asked to sit out this mission, I should have let him.”

“Don’t blame yourself, AC,” she said, touching his arm. “You thought Ward was strong enough to handle it.”

He had thought Ward was strong enough to handle it. Despite some of the personality issues, Ward had overcome a rough past, which was why Coulson didn’t pull him from the mission.

“I think he’s afraid to talk to us,” she said.

“Ward? Afraid?” said a voice from behind them. Coulson saw it was Fitz. Fitz had put the staff back in the box before returning to the medbay. “He’s not afraid of anything.”

“Everyone is afraid of something,” Skye said.

Fitz didn’t respond to that, instead he said: “He’s awake, sort of. He keeps mumbling about everything being wrong but he wouldn’t tell me what.”

“I’ll try talking to him.” Skye didn’t wait for a response. She walked towards the medbay. Coulson followed slowly. He stood at the door and watched Skye interact with him. Skye seemed to have a way with people. Fitz and Simmons immediately warmed up to her. Even Ward seemed to have defrosted a bit from her presence. The only one left was May but Coulson knew she took a long time to get comfortable with other people.

Ward was still lying on the bed. And if he was asleep, he was restless. He moved around a lot.

Simmons sat next to him. She looked up to Skye and smiled.

Skye move to the bed next to him.

“Ward?” she said. “Grant?”

He opened his eyes but only as slits.

“It’s all wrong,” he said. “Everything is wrong.”

He moved to the side.

“What’s wrong with him?” she asked Simmons.

Simmons rubbed the side of his head and tousled his hair, more like a child then an adult. “I gave him a sedative but I think he’s in shock. I don’t think the staff hurt him psychically, but mentally. His tests appear normal.”

Skye didn’t say anything.

“He hasn’t been angry or anything?” she asked.

“No— He just fades in and out and keeps saying what he saw was wrong. I don’t even know what that means.”

Ward didn’t regain full consciousness when they moved him to the Fridge’s infirmary and Skye was worried. Coulson had sent May and Fitz to retrieve Randolph while they stayed in a lounge at the Fridge. The bars and vaults everywhere disturbed Skye. She wondered if Coulson had been meaner both she and Miles would be sharing a cell here.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Fitz said, as Skye paced the floor. She had gotten close to Fitz, Simmons and Coulson. Ward had been standoffish but he was slowly letting her in. Now she worried about him. Worried that what he saw had been too much.

The doctor interrupted her. She was a tall woman whose name was Angelo. She smiled at her before she talked.

“I ran a battery of tests,” she explained. “He’s fine, physically. The high blood pressure and increased adrenaline did no lasting damage. All his vital signs are normal now except he has an increased heart rate and a slight elevated blood pressure but its not so high it’s dangerous. I’ll closely monitor him.”

“That’s a relief,” Simmons said.

“Is he awake?” Skye asked.

“Not completely. He seems to be in a state of delirium. I don’t know anything about that staff and what kind of damage it could have done. When he does talk, he keeps repeating that everything is wrong. I don’t know what that means.”

“We have an expert coming,” Coulson explained. “One who knows a lot about the staff.”

“Good because short of getting a psychiatrist. I’m out of ideas.”

Skye hadn’t been in SHIELD long but she knew seeing a therapist might cause stigma. SHIELD was very much a brush yourself off and move on kind of organization. She also didn’t believe Ward would be uncomfortable with it.

“Can we sit with him?” Skye asked.

“Yes. Come this way. She followed her to the infirmary that was down the hall. Skye noticed even the doors were secure as Dr. Angelo had to let them in with a keycard.

Ward was lying on a bed. He had been changed into hospital scrubs. A soft and slightly fast beeping was in the background indicating his heart was beating.

He was still restless, twitching a lot and moving from side to side.

“Ward?” she whispered. “Can you hear me?”

He opened his eyes, slightly and looked her. “It’s all wrong.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Everything that I saw. It didn’t happen that way.”

She reached out and smoothed his hair. “The staff probably did that to you.”

He didn’t respond, but he closed his eyes again.

Skye grabbed a chair was nearby and sat. Simmons and Coulson stood by the door. Where Simmons looked concerned, Coulson had on his poker face.

Skye felt she owed it to Ward to stand by him. He was her SO, he saved both her, Simmons and Fitz and he forgave her what happened with Miles. He was there when she was in trouble; she planned to return the favor.

“Do either of you want some coffee?” Coulson asked.

“I would love a cup,” Skye said.

“Tea if they have it.”

Coulson vanished from the room.

“Skye?” said a voice just above a whisper. She turned to the bed. Ward was looking at her but his eyes were half open.

“Ward,” Skye said, but she kept her voice low. “We’re here.” She touched his hand and was glad he didn’t pull away.

“Please don’t hate me,” he mumbled.

Skye smiled. “I don’t hate you, I promise.”

“It’s all wrong,” he said.

“What’s all wrong?” she asked. “Why do you keep saying that? What does it mean?”

“What I saw,” he tried to explained. “With the staff. It wasn’t right.”

“What did you see?” she asked, her voice concerned. “Was it your brother—Grant. You can tell me.”

But he didn’t say anything.

Randolph showed up a few hours later. May escorted him into the infirmary.

“Is this a prison?” he asked, when they got buzzed in. He had been in prison plenty of times over the last 1000 years; mostly due to his strong desire for women and wine.

“Yes,” she said, stoically. Randolph didn’t know much about May just that she was a natural when it came to holding the berserker staff.

“Is he in any trouble?”

“No,” she explained. “We wanted to lock that staff up and Ward needed to see a doctor. We killed two birds with one stone.”

Randolph didn’t respond.

Skye sat next to Ward in the infirmary. The young man’s eyes were close and every so often he would twitch.

“I’m glad we caught you in time.”

“Me too,” He looked over Ward. “And he held the staff for several hours?”

“We don’t know how long,” Coulson explained. “He got to the bus around 1am and we found him seven hours later.”

“A human can’t hold the staff for that long,” he explained. “He’s lucky to be alive.”

“Has this happened before?”

“Once before I broke the staff apart. I wanted to help someone remember.”

“Did they die?”

“Yes,” Randolph said, nonchalantly. He tried his best to emotionally detach himself from the incident, but still he felt a twitch of guilt. “They stole the staff and held on to it until all the horrific memories were uncovered.”

“And the staff killed them?” Coulson asked.

Randolph shook his head. He didn’t say anything as he pushed back a painful memory. “The memories were too much, too horrific that he took their own life.”

Coulson looked concerned. “Should I worry about Ward?”

“Maybe.”

Coulson looked uncomfortable. Randolph realize that while Coulson seemed concerned about his team, actually talking to them and making sure they were okay made him uncomfortable.

Randolph walked over to the bed. Coulson followed. Skye looked up to Randolph when he approached the bed.

“He’s in and out of consciousness,” she explained. “He keeps saying what he saw was wrong.”

“Is that common?” Coulson asked.

“Yes. Sometimes people gloss over the bad memories. And when the see how it actually happen, it hurts a lot. Is it possible I can talk to him alone and without the cameras on?”

Coulson was hesitant for a second. He looked at Skye but she didn’t seem bothered by the request.

Randolph sensed Coulson’s hesitancy. “It’s just that sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than friends and to talk to someone who understands. I held that staff for many years. I know what it can do.”

“Okay but no more than 20 minutes.”

Randolph nodded. He waited for Coulson and Skye to leave. Then when he heard a buzz of the camera switching off. He wanted it this way because he knew that the memories might be so bad he might not want his teammates to know. He shook Ward’s arm. “Agent Ward?” he said.

Ward opened his eyes slightly. Randolph smiled. “Are we awake?”

“Yes-- I’m-- What did the staff do to me?” he asked, his voice sounded weak and sleepy like it was a struggle to talk.

“The staff is not meant to be held for that long,” he explained. “Not even an Asgardians is supposed to hold it for more than an hour or two. You aren’t supposed to look at all the dark places at once.”

“Had too—Only chance to see—“ he mumbled. “Why am I so tired?”

“It’s a side effect—especially for humans. Asgardians have a bit more adrenaline to work with. You burnt yourself out, essentially. Give yourself a few weeks to fully recover.”

Ward didn’t respond right away. Finally he said: “The memories? Is that how it happened?”

“Yes. That’s exactly how it happened. No sugarcoating. No filters. What you saw actually happened.”

“Everything I saw,” he said. His voice was a little stronger but still stained. “It isn’t how I remembered.”

“How was it different?”

Ward didn’t reply.

“The camera is off. You are only talking to me but your friends are worried about you.”

He shook his head. “They wouldn’t understand.”

“Sometimes we have to have some faith and let them in.”

“I can’t,” he explained. “I was a coward—“

“Other Berserkers would call me a coward. Were you afraid? Is that what happened?”

Ward looked down.

“I won’t tell them anything, I promise. There is nothing wrong with being afraid and there is nothing wrong with admitting you are.”

“I didn’t fight back.”

“How old were you?”

“The first time I was eleven. I didn’t fight back because I was scared.”

“You were a kid. Kids are expected to be afraid.”

Ward didn’t reply.

“But something you are afraid of now is letting people in.”

“It’s a weakness.”

Randolph was a bit surprised. “No—it’s not. You can get hurt of course. But that’s part of being human. One thing I love about humans is no matter the hurt, they always move on. Let your friends in. They may surprise you.”

Ward didn’t reply. He closed his eyes again and drifted off. Randolph looked over the young man who reminded him too much of himself when he decided which was more important: his duty or his love for Earth. He wasn’t a much a berserker and it looked like Agent Ward wasn’t really one either.

He got up and left the room.

Coulson and Skye were waiting outside. Coulson stood up.

“How is he?”

“He’ll be okay. He’s just going to be sleeping a lot for next few days or so. You might want to put him on light duty after that.”

Coulson didn’t reply.

“What about what he saw?” Skye asked.

“That’s up to him,” Randolph said, but looked back to Coulson. “Don’t be so hard on him. Sometimes our curiosity gets the better of us. Just remember the staff shines a light on dark places. Why don’t you give him a few days to think things through?”

Randolph couldn’t read Coulson but he thought he saw concern.

Before Coulson could respond, May came into the room.

“Coulson, we just got new orders; there are some strange occurrences in Utah and we need to investigate.”

Coulson didn’t talk to May, instead he turned to Randolph. “We’ll drop you off on the way.”

“Okay.”

“Are we leaving Ward here?” May asked.

Skye stood up. “No—Please. I don’t want him waking up in a prison.”