They had always known, somewhere in the back of their minds, in a safe place where no one would have to find out and where they could pretend it didn’t exist, but they didn’t truly realize until it was almost too late.
“You.....you enlisted?” he asked quietly, staring up at a grim faced Bucky, eyes blank as he tried to process this new information. Bucky, letter in hand, seemed to crumble before him, shaking his head, a shattered breath escaping him.
“Drafted. I wouldn’t leave you here by yourself if I could help it. But....” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair as he dropped the torn envelope onto the table, sitting down with a heavy thump.
“You’ve gotta, Buck, you’ve gotta go. I’ll be right behind you.” Steve said, trying to gather as much confidence as he could. He knew as well as anyone that he would never make it to the Army, but whatever false bravado he could muster was the least he could do to try to keep Bucky from shutting down.
“I’ll try to stay out of trouble until you show up, punk.” he said, lopsided smile not reaching his eyes as he looked around the apartment, before letting his gaze return to Steve. “I’ll ask Mr.Hemmings to keep an eye out for you, maybe his son can bring up groceries once winter rolls around.” he said, putting a hand up before Steve could protest. “Steve, I can’t leave you here by yourself without having someone to look after you. I know you can take care of yourself but I’d rather you didn’t have to.” he continued, and Steve stayed silent.
They were silent for a while, and as it started to get dark out the shadows under Bucky’s eyes became more pronounced, and he realized that Bucky must have known for a couple of days. It made sense, with the lack of sleep and the amount of times that Steve had been dragged out to meet some dames at the bar or at the dance halls. It had all been one long, elaborate goodbye. A goodbye that Steve wouldn’t be able to stand.
“This ain’t goodbye, Buck. I told ya, I’ll be right behind you. Til’ the end of the line, like you said.”
“Sometimes the end of the line’s gotta come before you want it to, Stevie.” Bucky replied, and Steve’s heart cracked.
“You’re the one who went to classes Buck, you know that lines are always infinite. I’m not talking line segments here. And if you think you can get rid of me that easy, galavanting off to war then you’ve got another thing comin’. So you’re gonna go because you’ve gotta, and either I’m gonna follow you or you’re gonna come back. Got it?” Steve said, hands grasping Bucky’s shoulders as he tried to refrain from shaking some sense back into his best friend. His best friend who had always been there for him, who stood up for Steve when no one else would. Bucky had always been there, and Steve couldn’t imagine what life would be like without him. “I can’t lose you Buck, I can’t.” he whispered, burying his face in Bucky’s shoulder, trying in vain to muffle the sniffling and crying. Bucky wrapped him up in his arms, burying his face in Steve’s hair.
“Alright Steve, alright. When I get back you can tell me all about what happened. How many games the Dodgers win, the dame you’ll meet and fall terribly in love with. I expect you to wait to have the wedding until I get back so I can be the best man, just giving you fair warning on that one. About the sketches you’ve done, the painting that you finally get sold to that swanky art center you’re always talkin’ about. I’ll get back and you’ll tell me how much you missed me, your very best pal.” he said soothingly, and Steve laughed quietly into his shoulder.
“You’ll get back and I’ll tell you all about the gossip Mr. Hemmings tells me. I’ll tell you all about how Jamie from down the hall picked up another dog and how I was in bed for a week with allergies. I’ll give you a full play by play of every Dodgers game that you miss, especially when they win the world series, but I’m sure you’ll be back by then. You’ll get back and I’ll tell you how much I missed my best pal.” he said quietly, voice not wavering as much as he expected it to, keeping steady as he tried to pull himself together. “I’ll send so many letters that your new pals will all think you’ve got a dame at home but really it’s just me complaining about the weather and how I can’t reach high enough to change the lightbulb.”
“I won’t even be able to escape your complain’ across the ocean, what a world this is.” Bucky replied, resting his head atop Steve’s as they sat there in silence
They never had to say it, because they both knew. Bucky left and eventually so did Steve. Neither one came back, and it was more than a lifetime before it was ever safe for them, before they could finally tell eachother.
“There still aren’t any cars in the future.” Steve said, leaning against the balcony railing as he looked out over the city.
“No flying cars, and the Dodgers moved to California of all places. They won the World Series in 1955 for Brooklyn, and then in 1959 for Los Angeles. 1963 and 1965, 1981,1988, and they haven’t won since. I got to watch the game in 1955 on an op, but I wasn’t really watching. It’s a tragedy.” Bucky replied, smiling sadly.
“Some of my sketches ended up in museums all over the place, even in the Smithsonian of all places. They must have gotten my old sketchbooks from Mr.Hemmings, because all of them are there.”
“Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn’t followed me?” Bucky asked, looking over at Steve, eyes blank in the way that they were when he was trying to hide his emotions. It had been over a year since they had found each other again, since the modern world had chewed them up and spit them out, and Bucky was still trying to chase the shadows away. Steve knew that those shadows might never really be gone.
“It would’ve been awful. I would’ve spent every day waiting for a letter from you. Waitin’ for you to walk through the door, waitin’ for you to come back. I would have spent the rest of my life waitin’ to tell you how much I missed my best pal.” he replied, shaking his head and smiling ruefully. “I loved you too much not to follow you, Buck.” he said, and Bucky stiffened for a moment before he turned to Steve, facing him completely. He stepped forward, enveloping Steve in a hug that almost made Steve feel small again.
“I missed you Stevie.” he whispered, holding on for dear life. “I loved you too much to want you to follow me, but I was too selfish to make you go back. You could’ve had a normal life. Married a nice dame, found a nice house, watched the Dodgers win the World Series in 55′ and raised a ruckus when they moved to California. And I’m still too selfish to wish that you had gone back.” he continued, and Steve chuckled, a deep shaking laugh.
“James Buchanan Barnes, there are plenty of years left for the Dodgers to win the World Series, I’ve got plenty of back pay to buy myself a nice house, and my life will never be normal. And who needs a nice dame when I’ve got my best guy? You’ve got nice enough hair to be a dame, anyways.” he said, tugging at a strand of Bucky’s hair, and Bucky stifled his own laughter.
“You’re such a little punk, you know that?” he said, and Steve grinned.
“Love you too, ya jerk.”