Memories
The song mentioned is called Cossack Lullaby
Bucky didn’t remember most of his life before the accident. He had come to terms with that, in a way. Steve told him it was okay, that the memories would come to him eventually and they could always make new ones. Natasha told him it never mattered anyway. That past was just a bitter reminder of your life. He should’ve believed that. But he couldn’t. Not when Natasha’s eyes were hardened and Steve’s were filled with pain.
He vividly remembered the accident. He never told Steve and Natasha about it. He remembered how the car swerved to the other side and how he couldn’t stop the car. He remembered the crash and cold snow that covered his feet when he tried to get out of the car. Bucky didn’t remember a lot but he remembered the accident like it was yesterday. He remembered faces he never saw again. Steve cried a lot when he woke up. Peggy. He recalled hearing that name during the accident. He remembered her bloodied sweater. Shivers ran through him as he forced himself to remember more. There were some other people. Friends? He couldn’t remember their faces, though. Steve tried to get them out of the car. Bucky was too hurt to move a muscle. But he could still see the explosion afterwards that threw Steve few feet away from him. His breath hitched when he recalled another car. There were people inside. Did I kill them too? He couldn’t ask Steve. Steve would know and would tell him it wasn’t his fault. He was behind the wheels. He was very much at fault.
It’s funny how the worst memory was the one that always cling with us.
* * *
Bucky’s second nightmare happened when everyone was out to visit Darcy in the hospital. He thought he could spend some time with Wanda (she was kicked out of the hospital after punching Richard Reeds in the face). He wasn’t a fan of hospitals, which was one of the main reasons why he offered to take her back home. They decided to open a tub of ice cream and watched some Netflix shows in his laptop in his room. She helped put some pillows on the carpet and comfortably rested her head on his left shoulder. Bucky wanted to cry when he saw her smile. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders after a while and smiled when she didn’t pull away. Bucky didn’t remember much about his past lovers but he was sure it has never felt like this. Steve would laugh if I told him I’m in love with Wanda.
* * *
He remembered the snow. The freezing cold and the pain that follows. He couldn’t move. His arm. Oh God, his arm. He could hear screaming. The car. Someone was inside the car. They were screaming. But he couldn’t move. The flame swallowed the car and the people inside. Bucky tried to get up. He let out a cry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Please. It was so cold. Steve. Steve wasn’t dead, was he? God, he didn’t know what he’d do if Steve died. And the woman. Steve’s woman? Her white sweater was now red. Did he kill her too? And their friends? They were lying on the snow, unmoving and Bucky swore there were more red than white that day.
Everything suddenly changed. He was now sitting inside a moving car, his hands on the steering wheel. There was laughter. Steve sat next to him and he was trying to get to his woman. Peggy. He was trying to get to Peggy but someone stopped him. They laughed some more. Bucky chuckled but he couldn’t shake away the notion that something was about to go wrong. Then he saw it. The truck that swerved in front of them and he had to make a sharp turn to avoid getting hit by it. They let out strings of curses. They were relieved for a moment before he saw the car right in front of them. No. Not this again. His grip on the steering wheel tightened.
“James!” Bucky’s eyes cleared and he quickly pushed himself away from Wanda. She clutched her reddening neck and Bucky swore he could see slight bruise around her neck.
“Oh no.” He mumbled.
“Hey, it’s okay. You had a nightmare.” She approached him and he snarled at her. She shouldn’t’ be near him. He was a killer. He tried to hurt her.
“Get away from me, Wanda.” His voice was hoarse. Wanda didn’t move from her spot. She gave him a small smile and took another step towards him.
“I wasn’t supposed to touch you. I should know. I’m sorry.” She apologized. Why would she apologize? I hurt her. Bucky looked away from her.
“I hurt you.” He finally said.
“Well, I hurt you too.” She gestured at the nail marks on his arm. “I tried to wake you up but you kept screaming and thrashing around.”
“I could’ve killed you.” He said again, tearing up at the thought of Wanda dying.
“You didn’t. Bucky, I understand how you felt. It’s okay. Just,” She took a deep breath and patted the empty space next to her. “Just come back here, please?”
He closed his eyes for a brief moment before he trudged back into his seat. She didn’t say anything when he hesitantly rested his head on her lap. She smiled and gently ran her fingers through her hair. Bucky closed his eyes and let out the breath he’s been holding on. He could hear her hummed a familiar tune. A lullaby. He smiled as a memory from his time in Russia with Natasha came back.
‘I will die from yearning,
Inconsolably waiting,
I'll pray the whole day long,
And at night I'll wonder,
I'll think that you're in trouble
Far away in a strange land.
Sleep now, as long as you know no sorrow.’
* * *
Bucky almost screamed out her name when he woke up and found out she wasn’t there. He scanned the room and panic rose in him. Did she leave? Did she tell everyone about last night? He was too deep in his thoughts he jumped when he heard a clanking noise. Bucky quickly went out o his room and descended the stairs.
He didn’t know how to describe his emotion when he saw her standing in the kitchen with a plate of pancakes on her hand. Love? This has got to be more than love. His heart ached when she gave him a startled smile.
“You’re awake! I was going to bring this up to you.”
“You’re here.” He breathed out, his feet bringing him closer to her.
“Yes. Are you okay?” She let out a tiny yelp when he pulled her into a tight hug. He buried his face in her hair. He felt her arms around his torso and he relaxed.
“I wouldn’t leave you, James.” She mumbled. Bucky didn’t know he was crying until she pulled away and used her hand to wipe away his tears. She didn’t stop smiling as she told him about the burnt pancakes she had to throw away. Bucky’s lips curled into a smile as he watched her with fond eyes. Bucky might not remember much. But he remembered how to love and he was damn sure he loves her.