Chapter 8
He needs surgery.
They tell him the details of the procedure, but he finds it hard to comprehend over the ringing in his ears. He hears the words. Knowledge sitting there on the tip of understanding without truly sinking in. They told him the cause of his fall was low blood pressure and the strain he put on his body during the race. All he could do was nod.
A haze has settled around him. It’s been there since the moment he felt the pain shoot up his leg. It was there as people rushed around him. It was there as he was helped into an ambulance and driven to the hospital. It was there as his friends, his family spoke around him, their touches were faint making them feel distant.
He only saw physical descriptions. His brain didn't try to place the descriptions with a person anymore.
He remembers red hair and freckles in his vision, a soft hand cupping his cheek, lips moving in delicate words that he didn’t quite hear. Green eye glistening with tears. Small smiles that failed.
Blonde hair and blue eyes sitting on his bed side with an arm securely draped around his shoulders. Hand running soothing circles on his shoulder. Words being said that seemed to be reassuring.
Brown hair and eyes pacing around the room. Their hands in their hair, running through their locks. Sighs being heard every few minutes. The smell of coffee accompanied them occasionally. They would come over and sit on the chair next to him telling him stories. He didn't remember any of them.
Black hair and ocean blue eyes are always hovering. Constantly staying at the sidelines. Always there in the back of the room. Ocean blue eyes glistening with far too many emotions for his rattled mind to understand or care about. Ocean blue eyes settle into the other side of his bed leaning into his side. Moves their hand into his. Their warm and calloused fingers, never wanting to let go. An occasional squeeze, anchoring when he starts to dissociate. Keeping the darkness from spreading.
Time had slipped away suspended as it swirled around him. Pain always being felt. Lingering as he stares off into the darkness around him. He answers things robotically only when necessary ignoring any side conversation or worried questions. He doesn't want to talk. It seems that all anyone wants to do.
He feels trapped in his own body like he's not supposed to be occupying it. The sterile hospital environment suffocates him. He’s being wheeled into another room, getting ready for surgery.
𝑺𝒖𝒓𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒚.
His leg and ankle are fucked up enough that he needs surgery. He's fucked up. How could he have been so reckless? So stupid? Why did he keep pushing?
𝑺𝒖𝒓𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒚.
It must be bad if he needs surgery. He hasn’t looked at it yet. Can’t bring himself to. He’s certain if he sees it, that somehow this will all become real. Then again his friends and family's expressions say enough. The nervousness, the sympathy, the worry, the heartbreak, the 𝒑𝒊𝒕𝒚.
𝑺𝒖𝒓𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒚.
He feels the pain. The pain that won't go away. The pain he wants to just stop. To just get the hell out of his life. Why doesn't the pain go away?
He’s alone. They’ve all left him. He's alone. And that’s when it all comes crashing down. The numbness starts to melt. The dark haze begins to clear, his mind being forced back into his body. He curls up and lets himself cry. Lets the events of the past few weeks and the past few years sink in. Lets them imbed themselves to his memory. His fathers shouts, his insults, mothers screams, the sound of hits echoing through the cold house walls. The sinking feeling of his world collapsing in on itself as he hears his father is free as the pain shoots through his leg. Lets himself finally grasp the truth. Because it all happened. It was real. Happening so quickly. One second ticked to the next, and everything he’s been working for, everything he’s built, everything he is just came crashing down. Feeling the flames of rage boil inside. Remembering his fathers words.
He's on painkillers, They don't help to defuzzle his thoughts. His leg still throbs and burns. A subtle reminder his life is never going to be the same.
A line.
There's a line he stands on. One side of the line is a deep abyss. The other is a bright light. He waits for a strong breeze to push him one way or the other. The light looks so distant. The abyss looks welcoming.
Then the gush of wind decides his fate. It comes crashing down on him, leaving him crying out as the darkness covers him whole. Feeling himself suffocate inside the darkness. Feeling it rip him open.
𝑯𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒓𝒖𝒏 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏.
𝑯𝒆'𝒔 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒂 𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓.
He wishes it was all a dream. Better yet a nightmare. One he can wake up from and never look back on.
It isn’t a dream.
It isn't a nightmare.
It's 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚.
The surgery had no issues. All his family, friends, nurses and doctors try to reassure him. Make the dimness in his eyes vanish. They all don't understand. He's a 𝒓𝒖𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒓. It was his heart and soul. Now he was nothing but an empty shell. A prisoner in his body.
𝑵𝒐 𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒑𝒆.
He’s allowed to go home. Shouldn't he be happy about that? Then again why should he? All he can do is nothing. All he can be is nothing. Maybe there is a bright side. He can cry in peace. Locked away in his room. Never having to see the light of day again.
His foot and leg are wrapped up tight in a splint, locked away in a cast. No weight is to be put on it for a while so he's given crutches. He's given a big sign that says look at me, the pathetic kid who's crippled. Whos lost his whole meaning in the world. He wonders why he even still exists. Why couldn't his father have finished him off? Maybe this was his punishment. A curse from his father and mother for being born.
Greatest day of his aunt's life. His punishment.
Iris brings him food, bustles around asking if he needs anything at least every ten minutes. His friends call and text non stop. Hal checks up on him, tries to crack some jokes that fall flat. Barry comes and goes, always poking his head in, trying to make him smile. It's a waste of time. Sometimes they all sit with him but it's just an annoyance.
He rather they leave him alone. That way he can stop breaking their hearts every time they try to see him. Stop crushing their hope as they try to make him happier.
They don't take the hint. All they do is try and try. He just wants to grab something and throw it at them. Tell them to screw themselves. They don't understand. They never will. Won't understand how every time he sees his leg, wrapped up and immobile, he feels a nauseating twist in his stomach. Feels disgusted by his own body--No. His own prison.
He lost touch with his friends. Wasn't worth the effort. Wasn't worth hearing the same crap from them. Saying it will get better. Saying they miss him. He doesn't care.
He falls behind in school work.
Doesn't matter.
The only hope he has is that he may run again. After extensive recovery time and physical therapy, he’ll run again.
It wasn't the end of his world.
It just felt like it was.
-
-𝑾𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝑾𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒇𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒏. 𝑹𝒆𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒎𝒎𝒆𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒅𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒍 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏-
The intercom rang out loudly. Dick's veins turned ice cold hearing the announcement. Wally had been fine only a few moments ago. Dick stood up rushing towards the woods. Iris, Hal, Barry, everyone hot on his heels. They ran through the track course closing in on Wally's location.
Dick froze.
The world felt like it stopped that day. Wally was just lying there on the ground not moving. His leg was…oh god.
Dick's heart broke seeing Wally's mournful expression as he sat in the hospital bed. He was like a ghost. Despite that Dick was always there watching over him. He never wanted to leave his side. It was during the time Wally was in the hospital that he realized what had been in front of him all along.
𝑯𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅.
𝑯𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝑾𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚.
It shouldn't come as a surprise to him. Somewhere deep down he's always known. The small touches they shared that always lingered. The stupid jokes that no matter how bad always made him laugh. His heart felt like it short-circuited whenever Wally was around.
It was a high that never went away.
The kind of high you feel when you're speeding down a highway at night. That existential feeling when you're staring at the stars. Everytime he heard Wally's laugh it felt like paradise fell down from above. Every second of every day he found himself thinking about Wally. How did he not notice sooner?
Even in another life or universe. He's certain he'll always love Wally.
Dick stepped forward to Wally's bedside wrapping his arms around him, pulling him into a crushing hug. He buried his face in Wally’s shoulder and let out a gut-wrenching sob. How could this happen to him? Out of all the people on the track course, why was it him?
.
.
.
He needs surgery. Wally needs 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒚.
The doctors explain the procedure to Wally but the whole time he doesn't react. He just stares off at the wall. He looks so defeated. Dick just wants to reverse time. To tell Wally not to compete but he can't. All he can do is sit here helplessly watching.
The doctors tell him the cause of the fall was low blood pressure and the strain put on Wally's body during the race. He wanted to sob.
𝑾𝒉𝒚 𝑾𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚?
It was like a haze settled around Wally. Been there since the moment he fell. It was there as Dick rushed towards him. It was there as he watched Wally be put into an ambulance. There as he was wheeled into the hospital. It was there as Dick spoke trying to reassure him, get some type of idea how he was feeling.
Iris cupped Wally's cheek, talking in a delicate tone. She was always trying to talk to Wally. Dick watched her break down in the hall so many times. He wanted to join her.
She always smiled at him thanking him for being there. She likes to reminisce about Wally. Dick doesn't. He just wants Wally back. To come back to the present.
Barry was always sitting on Wally's bed side with an arm securely draped around Wally's shoulders. Dick wanted to do that too.
Barry brought him coffee telling him he didn't have to stay. Barry was crazy. Dick never wanted to leave. He even told Barry as much.
Hal was always pacing around the room. His hands in his hair, running through his locks. Sighs being heard every few minutes. Dick wanted to tell him to shut up and get out. If he couldn't stay quiet then he should be in the hall.
Dick watched him bring coffee to Iris and Barry. They always smiled when he did. Dick saw their eyes light up whenever they were all together. He wanted that.
Dick was constantly staying on the sidelines. Always there in the back of the room. When it was just him and Wally he would settle onto the side of Wally's bed leaning into his side. Moving his hand into Wally's cold and soft hands, never wanting to let go. He would offer an occasional squeeze, he could see it anchored Wally when he started to dissociate furthur. He couldn't lose him.
Dick was constantly arguing on the phone. Bruce wanted him to come home once in a while. He couldn't. Wally needed him. He couldn't do this alone. Dick didn't want him to go through this alone.
So many nights he went out to the hallway to cry just like Iris. He made sure no one was around. He just wanted to see Wally smile. Was that even possible anymore?
His brothers came to visit him. They brought him his homework from school. Brought Wally's too. They all said hi to Wally. Wally didn't look like he noticed. They told Dick they were here for him. Said they were sorry this happened.
Sorry doesn't change anything.
Time had slipped away. Wally is always staring off into the darkness around him. He answers things robotically only when necessary ignoring any side conversation or any questions. Dick hated that. He talked to Wally as much as could.
"Wally everythings going to be fine. The doctors say they can fix your leg. Everything is going to be ok." Dick spoke in a soft, gentle, reassuring voice barely keeping it from breaking. His hands held onto Wally's as he looked into his distant eyes.
"Wally, I'm here. I'll always be here when you need me. You know that right?" He squeezed Wally's hands reassuringly. Wally continued to blankly stare.
"Wally, please just say something."
"..."
Dick sighed leaning his head on Wally's chest.
"Please come back to me."
Dick's pleas were never answered.
The sterile hospital environment was starting to suffocate him.
Wally's being wheeled into another room, getting ready for his surgery.
𝑺𝒖𝒓𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒚.
Wally's leg and ankle are fucked up enough that he needs surgery. Dick can't stop pacing. What if it goes wrong? What would happen to Wally? If it works will Wally become happy again?
𝑺𝒖𝒓𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒚.
It must be bad if Wally needs surgery. He noticed Wally hadn't looked at his leg yet. Dick couldn't blame him. Doctors talked about Wally. Talked about his state of mind like it was a joke. He heard they were interns. They didn't deserve to be doctors.
He remembers screaming at them to shut the hell up. To get away before he kills them. They ran. Came back later to formally apologize.
Ass kissers.
The surgery had no issues. Wally didn't brighten up. He stayed the same. Nothing but an empty shell.
Iris and Barry stayed by Wally's side as much as they could. Constantly sleeping in his room. Dick did too. He never left. They were all there everyday never leaving but Dick could tell after the first couple weeks Iris, Barry, and Hal couldn't stand to see Wally like that anymore. Dick told them they didn't have to stay the night anymore and that he would watch over Wally. They could get a few hours to themselves. They were hesitant but eventually agreed.
Wally thinks he’s alone. That’s when it all came crashing down. He curls up and lets himself cry. The sobs echo throughout the room. Dick had left to use the bathroom. He listened on the other side of the wall as Wally broke down. He wanted to comfort him.
Wally's on painkillers. Maybe that's why he doesn't talk. Maybe once he's off them he'll talk to Dick again.
Wally has a nightmare leaving him crying out in the middle of the night. Dick wakes up immediately and cradles him. Wally tries pushing him away, hitting him. Dick doesn't budge. He takes all the hits as he holds onto Wally. He wasn't going anywhere.
Wally's allowed to go home. He doesn't look happy. His foot and leg are wrapped up tight in a splint, locked away in a cast. No weight is to be put on it for a while so he's given crutches. It's weird seeing him on crutches. Dick wants to go home with him. Bruce says no. Says Iris, Barry, and Hal need their own time with Wally. It hurts but he understands.
Wally doesn't text or call. Everyone is worried about him. The only way anyone knows he's alive is because Hal and Barry tell them. Dick's brothers are worried about him. All he can do is think about Wally.
Months go by. Dick hears about Wally's progress from Bruce, Barry or Hal. They say he started physical therapy. Said he was making progress a lot faster than most.
That was good.
They say he started catching up on school work. That was very good. Means he wouldn't be held back. It meant progress was happening.
He gets cornered at school by Barry and Hal. They hate to ask him but they beg for him to come over. He may be the only one who can fix Wally. Dig him out of his hole he's trapped himself in.
Dick agrees.
"I just want to warn you Dick he isn't the same as he used to be. We were finally able to start getting him to do school work after his physical therapy but that's all." Barry looked exhausted as he spoke. He and Hal seemed to be stuck in a permanent tired state. Iris looked the same. He hopes he can fix that.
Dick nodded his head. "I understand." He was well aware of Wally's moping capabilities.
"Ok as long as you understand. We're going to go stay at a hotel tonight. Give you your space to work with him. Call if you need anything." Barry looked pained at the idea of leaving Wally alone.
"Ok thank you." Dick stood up heading towards the stairs. Barry grabbed his wrist.
"Please help him." His voice was barely above a whisper. Dick studied his face.
"I will." Dick's voice was full of sympathy as he patted Barry on the shoulder. Barry looked at him with a small smile forming on his lips. He nodded letting go of Dick's wrist heading out to the car where Iris and Hal waited.
Dick's heart sank into his stomach. Wally was sitting in his bed and it looked like he’d been crying. His eyes were red, dark circles darker than he'd ever seen hung underneath, tear tracks ran down his cheeks. His gaze was distant, like he was looking at Dick but not really seeing him. It reminded Dick of the hospital.
“Wally,” he said, his voice came out questioning. The last he heard of Wally he had left the hospital with his surgery being a success. So why was he still like this? His leg looked fine. It was still healing but from what Dick knew he should be able to walk and put weight on it now. He had done his physical therapy.
A sense of dread crept up Dick’s spine as he asked, "Wally, was there a complication?" Barry nor Hal mentioned anything.
Wally stared at him with a vacant expression. He wouldn't talk. Not about how he was feeling, wouldn't say anything to answer Dick's worries. He hardly spoke at all. Dick talked, Wally sat and listened, looking only half-there. He’d gone from one of the brightest people Dick knew to a shell of his former self.
His spark was gone.
"Damn it Wally just talk to me, please." Dick's voice came out pleading. He had been trying to get him to say something that wasn't three words or less for hours now. He missed his best friend. If he could, he would go back to that day and Change everything.
"Just go away…" Wally's voice lacked any emotion. He was disintegrating in front of Dick eyes. Dick didn’t know what to do anymore. He’d thought he could make things better just by being there for Wally, but it wasn’t enough. He came here today expecting Wally to just be moping around. He didn't think he would still be there in that hospital room.
Trapped in time.
"No." Dick spoke stubbornly. He wasn't leaving Wally again. Not until he was ok. He wasn't going to be pushed to the sidelines any longer.
"Then be quiet." Wally sighed, closing his eyes, turning over. He felt the bed droop down as Dick inched closer to him. It reminded Wally of the hospital room. Dick's arm draped over his waist pulling him closer as he leaned his head between Wally's shoulder blades.
"I'm here for you." He whispered.
"..."
Dick gently runs his fingers through Wally's hair. He expected Wally to respond with silence at this point. But he still loses a small part of himself every time.
Wally leaned into Dick's touch.
That's new.
They sit like this for a while in a comfortable silence. Dick running his fingers through Wally's hair. Wally leaning into his touch. Their breaths moved in sync. Both of them just sitting in each other's presence. The wind blows gently against the window. The only sound besides from their slow breathes. An orange tint covers the room through a window as the sun sets.
A hitch in breath.
Wally gripped onto Dick's arm around his waist as tears silently fell down his face. He looked so pained, so fragile as he held onto Dick like he was a life line. Dick cradled him, continuing to run his fingers through Wally's hair. Wally's cries and sniffles were the only thing that filled the silence now.
"It's ok." Dick's voice was strained. "It's ok. I'm here." He struggled to hold back tears as Wally broke down finally letting himself feel again. For months Wally stayed in a haze. Now he was finally letting it all out. And Dick was going to be here for him the whole time no matter what.
.
.
.
.
"𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖."