Steven Grant Rogers doesn’t cry. Well he tries not too. His eyes would slightly water once in a while but tears would never fall. He broods, not cries. It was in his nature. Not because he was trying too hard to be tough but because it became a habit. Whenever he was upset or felt like crying his mother would be more upset than he was and he didn’t like that so he trained himself not to cry. It was the best solution. So he used his eyes as an outlet. He later understood no one really understood his silent emotions. That was until his knight in shining armor with two nickels came into his life.
He was sitting on a park bench near his house when he met James Buchanan Barnes. His father was fussing with his mother talking about how unhealthy it was for a boy his age not to have any friends and he was getting worried. But he had health problems and he couldn’t really play a lot without breaking out in to asthma fits and scaring his mother. They didn’t know he heard but he did, so he made his way to the park. He couldn’t resist a challenge, no matter how near impossible it seemed. When he got t to the park he saw two boys who were must’ve been brothers. They looked around his age but if all stood side by side you wouldn’t think so. Even though he was seven he looked four because of his boniness and how small he was standing at 4’4.
With a surge of confidence he went to the two boys determined to make friends. Not sure where he went wrong he was on the ground with them shoving and kicking him. Next thing he knew he heard someone yelling at the two boys. “Get away from him!”
Steve managed to look up to see an older boy charging towards them. When the boys ignored him something had flown from the boy’s hand causing one of the boys two howl in pain. His brother looked up to see him in distress and they scrambled away. As the boys left the boy with the nickel rushed towards him.
“Are you okay kid?” He asked helping him.
Steve just let a wheezing noise.
“Where’s your mother? How can they pick on a little boy like that?” The boy said outraged.
Steve let out an offended scoff before shrugging out of the boys grip. “I’m seven.”
The boy’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. He then blushed and stuttered out an apology to the upset boy.
“Sorry, it’s just you look, um…sorry.” He said.
Steve just shrugged and dusted himself off. “It’s fine.” He muttered before turning to leave but the boy stopped him.
“Bucky Barnes, I’m eight.” He said smiling at Steve as he turned around.
Steve couldn’t help but blush at how widely the boy smiled at him and the butterflies that erupted in his stomach. “Steve Rogers.”
Bucky just grinned before digging in his pocket pulling out a nickel and bending down to pick up the object he threw at the boy. Another nickel. He showed him the nickels and grinned wider. “I earned them helping Mr. White at the shop down on Eighth Street. We can go get a pop if you want, my treat.”
Steve just shook his head, “I can’t drink too much sugar or I break out into hives and my mother will worry and I might have a panic attack.” He admitted kicking himself. Now he most definitely won’t make any friends now.
Steve clenched his fists and braced himself waiting to be hit for being weird but it never happened. “That’s fine. We could always do something else.”
And that moment on they were the best of friends. Steve didn’t cry and Bucky was his best pal. That was when everything was right.
But here was over seventy years later crying his heart because he was a failure. Bucky had saved him plenty of times but he couldn’t save him. It made Steve sick to his stomach that he wasn’t there for him. He didn’t catch him from falling, he couldn’t shield him from torture.
As Bucky sat sleeping quietly in the corner of the old Hydra Facility with a blanket thrown around his shoulders, Steve gave violent shudders as he cried silently. He stole a glance at Bucky who looked so peaceful as he slept and his emotions began to take him over more. He had found old videos from when Bucky was still Bucky and not the Winter Soldier.
He had been limbless with his other hand wrapped tightly around his back. He had tears in his eyes as a man in a Nazi uniform gave long meaningful strides toward him.
Even though the quality was grainy and there was next to no sound, Steve could still hear everything, maybe because of his heightened senses and the adrenaline pumping through his body.
He muttered something in Russian before spitting at Bucky, “Where is your friend now Barnes? I thought you two were closer than this. I thought he would have found you by now.” The man snarled.
Steve felt his blood run cold. He began to wonder how long Bucky had been there. How long had he been trapped there? He looked skinnier and his usually tanned skin was pale and his hair was slightly longer.
It could’ve been weeks. Steve’s stomach clenched at the thought. He should’ve been there.
“He’ll be here.” Bucky slurred. “He’s with me ‘till the end of the line.” With that he passed out at the man’s boot who in retaliation lifted his boot kicking him square in the face resulting in cracking noise to be heard through the video.
Bucky groaned before whimpering in pain, his sudden movements dislocating his tied shoulder.
With that the video went blank before a new video appeared. In this one Bucky had a prosthetic arm. It wasn’t metal but plastic. His hair was gelled back and trimmed with stray strands hanging from his hat. He was in his full sergeant uniform and looked healthier than in the last video. The only thing was how tired he looked. He had red bags under his eyes from lack of sleep and crying.
“Your friend is dead. You are useless,” the man from earlier sneered coming near the forlorn soldier.
He gripped Bucky’s tie before stroking his face in almost sensual… seductive manner.
He then whispered something in Bucky’s ear causing him to shudder violently.
His face turning paler than it already was. “James Buchanan Barnes, so handsome.”
Steve shuddered at what the man could’ve been saying to him.
He should have been there. He should have helped him.
“He said that tonight he was going to make me useful. He bit my ear. The memory is foggy but still here. He came in me six times that night, I threw up eight.” Bucky muttered quietly from the corner, his eyes still closed. This caused Steve to tear up more. He said it so casually, so calmly, it was if this was the norm. That having a strange man promise to take you when you were barely healthy was okay. He shuddered to think that was normal. How many times was Bucky violated in such a manner?
Steve bit in his knuckle trying to surpess his sobs but a strangled whimper came out instead. He inhaled deeply as Bucky watched him silently. When he finally calmed down he turned to Bucky and gave an apologetic smile wiping his tears. “I’m sorry Buck, did I wake you?”
“Why were you crying? Because of me?” Bucky asked curiously opening his eyes to see the teary-eyed captain.
“No of course not. Go back to sleep Bucky, Sam will be here in a few with Barton. We can go to the safe haven when they’re here.” Steve promised, keeping his voice even.
“Are you hurt because of me?” Bucky pressed.
“No, no, course not!” Steve exclaimed.
Steve trembled a little under Bucky’s gaze. He was calculating him. He was the only one who knew how Steve really felt. What he was really feeling.
Bucky’s calculating gaze fell from his and he frowned. “I’m sorry Steve.”
Steve immediately shook his head before making his way to hug him but hesitated, as he got closer. Bucky didn’t like to be touched. He had found that out when he tried to hug him earlier that week resulting in a punch in the face and an apology in Russian. But Steve wasn’t angry, he understood. He would understand everything if it made Bucky open up to him more, and eventually be happy. That’s all he wants, for Bucky to be happy.
“No Buck, I’m sorry. I should’ve done better, I was stupid, I should’ve thought, I should have known. B-But I didn’t and you got hurt. I’m so sorry” Steve said, his voice cracking on the last word.
Bucky just stared at him, his eyes stony and Steve understood he didn’t know what to do. It had been so long since someone had been so open and honest with him, since someone has been open with him. His memories were a blur and his emotions were still under lock and key. He wasn’t adjusted yet.
“I-I loves you, Steve.” Even though it was a statement it sounded like a question. But nonetheless Steve’s heart swelled anyway.
It had been over seventy years since Steve last heard that and he was over the moon. Even though he was still disoriented he held onto the hope that it might be true. That Bucky truly loved him.
“I love you too.” Steve whispered that he himself could barely hear.
“We used to kiss.” Bucky said abruptly looking behind Steve. Steve furrowed a brow confusedly at his best friend before turning around to see what Bucky was looking at. It was the videos. He forgot they were still on; the audio had become a low buzz to him as he was talking to Bucky.
On the screen sat the Winter Soldier shirtless and disgruntled seeming as if he was going to loose control any second and rip apart the next person who to tried to even look at him. But a muscular tall blonde man with pale blue eyes came into view crossing his arms and looking at the soldier. He muttered some words close to his ear so low that Steve couldn’t hear.
A knot formed in his stomach not sure if Bucky was talking about kissing the man on screen or him.
“They brought him in when I was getting uncontrollable, he was supposed to be my tether. He looked familiar, like and old friend… an old lover but I couldn’t understand why.” Bucky explained.
“After he came from meetings or I came from missions he would kiss me. The first few months they were gentle kisses not lasting more than ten seconds but then he got more frantic… needy. So we got intimate, he even let some of his friends join, but after the first time I almost failed a mission he got upset and was no longer sweet, he would hit me knowing for some reason I wouldn’t hit back.” He looked to Steve with a thoughtful frown.
“You know one time he made my throat bleed. When my control was slipping that’s when they used him and the chair to control me. He realized how dangerous I was- am.” He corrected.
Steve stared at him speechless not knowing what to say. That was Pierce. It had to be. He clenched his fists and closed his eyes not wanting to let Bucky know he was upset.
“It was supposed to be you wasn’t it?” Bucky asked.
Steve just looked down, “I’m sorry Bucky.”
Bucky gave another thoughtful look, “Did we used to kiss?”
Steve blushed remembering their first kiss. They were fourteen and fifteen.
Steve’s mother was working graveyard shift at the hospital and Bucky’s mother and his mother came to the agreement that Bucky could stay with Steve until he went to sleep.
Diana Pataki, a girl in Steve’s grade had tried to kiss him. Steve panicked and accidently pushed her causing her to cry and him to get the 'dunce' hat. It was humiliating. She was a nice enough girl who seemed to be the only girl interested in him, but he ruined it after her stockings ripped and now she refuses to talk to him.
“I still don’t understand why you did it, she’s at least an eight. If she were fifteen I’d go for her,” Bucky said incredulously.
Steve just sighed, “Oh please if she batted her eyelashes at you would kiss her.”
“I wouldn’t, one because she was totally into you and two she’s way too young for me.” Bucky said causing Steve to scoff.
“By like 5 months.” He said. He was turning a little red from embarrassment and a little anger. He was almost a year younger than Bucky. Of course he wouldn’t kiss him, on top of that he was a boy. Steve has always had a crush on Bucky ever since he threw a nickel at his attacker and offered to buy him a soda and not freak out when he gave him almost his entire medical reaction if that ever happened.
“I know your avoiding the subject Stevie, just tell me why you panicked.” Bucky said concerned, his blue eyes piercing into Steve’s causing him to turn redder.
Steve is a prideful person, he wouldn’t let anything scare him despite the consequences but somehow when it came to Bucky he could never be scared yet he was always scared whenever he was with him… if that made sense. Bucky always pushed him to be more social, to let go of his stubbornness, he could look into Steve’s eyes and know exactly what was going on but he was scared that Bucky would realize he was too good for him and leave him which would shatter him. Bucky was his world and he didn’t want him to leave him.
He had never kissed anyone and always hoped that Bucky would be his first kiss but he knew that was far too hard a kick in the head.
“I haven’t kissed anyone before Bucky.” He reluctantly admitted.
Bucky just grinned, “I assumed as much.”
Steve furrowed his brow offended. Even his own best friend thought he was pathetic.
Noticing his change in demeanor Bucky mentally kicked himself, “I would be the first to know is all I’m trying to say. We’re best friends Stevie. And I’ll be the first to say anybody would be lucky to kiss, if your ma’ hasn’t already told you first.” He chuckled causing Steve to roll his eyes before tackling the clearly bigger boy on the bed play wrestling. Somehow Steve ended up straddling his friend, they were both panting and looking into each other’s eyes.
Steve felt his stomach begin to flutter as they stared at each other. He was so lost in Bucky’s eyes he couldn’t help the words leaving his mouth, “Would you ever kiss me Buck?”
Their eyes widened at the question that hung in the air. Steve gave a nervous laugh trying to play it off and trying to get up from their position, but Bucky pulled him down bringing his lips to his. Inexperienced, Steve gave a small peck in response but Bucky helped him out. He used his thumb and index finger to tilt Steve’s head over a little before swiping his tongue on his bottom lip causing Steve to shudder a little not knowing what to do. “Just open your mouth a little Stevie.” Bucky had said an inch away from his lips before kissing him again. This time Steve was ready. He opened his mouth a little and gave a small whimper as Bucky’s tongue slowly entered his mouth.
It was heaven, Steve decided. Bucky’s lips on his were heaven.
Their lips unconnected and reconnected in a pattern, peck, tongue, peck then lip bite. Steve’s lips soon strayed towards Bucky’s lips then neck. He lightly sucked on his neck only using his lips and Bucky gave out a loud groan, “S-Stevie.”
That sent a wave of euphoria over Steve. Bucky wanted him too. It was like a dream.
Later they sat dazed on the edge of Steve’s bed. Steve was bright red and Bucky’s usually styled hair was awry and his school shirt was unbuttoned showing a bruise on his neck that was from the hickey Steve had accidently given him, not knowing what he was doing.
“Stevie.” Bucky said quietly his blue eyes darkened a bit.
Steve gulped not looking at Bucky knowing the end was coming. He was going to be disgusted and never want to talk to him again.
“I should come back again tomorrow. I-I want to try something if that’s alright with you.” Bucky stuttered out flustered.
"Okay." Steve breathed out barely finding his voice.
The next day Bucky came back and they touched each other in their unexplored areas.
That’s all they ever did was touch and kiss until Steve was sixteen and Bucky was Seventeen. They finally decided to go the all the way and Steve was over the moon. They had kept their ‘relationship’ going until they were twenty and twenty-one. Bucky had found himself a girl and to say Steve was heartbroken was an understatement. But he smiled for Bucky because he understood. As long as Bucky was happy, he could suck it up and he could try to be happy too.
Before Bucky went to war for the first time, five months after he and his girl, Vanessa, had broken up Steve had told Bucky that he loved him for the first time only for him to bend down a little and grin at his best friend before pecking him on his lips. “You know I love you Stevie.” He had said.
That night they had sex at an old shabby motel because they were in Long Island and Brooklyn was ways back. Steve had gotten emotional afraid it was going to be his last time seeing his best friend. “I’m with you ‘till the end of the line, Buck.” Steve had said as they walked together to the depot. “I know you are.” Bucky said.
“I’ll be with you soon, I’ll have ‘em the ropes Buck, just you wait and see.” Steve promised as Bucky turned to leave.
Bucky turned and grinned before rushing over to Steve and quickly pecking his lips.
“I’ll see you soon pal.” With that he quickly rushed away in hurry not to be late.
The night Bucky returned from war the first time it was past midnight and no one would ever be awake at such an ungodly hour but Bucky was. He had snuck through Steve’s window and woke him up with a long passionate kiss.
He had a lot of kisses with Bucky. He loved him.
“Yeah Buck, we used to kiss.” Steve said after a while.
“Was I happy?” Bucky asked sitting up a little more from the corner.
Steve knew he was happy having Bucky wrap his arms around him most nights, he knew he was fulfilled every time Bucky smiled at him, or kissed him. Bucky was the center of his universe but he didn’t know if he had made Bucky as happy as he made him.
“I like to think you were happy.” Steve chuckled remembering the time Bucky had showed him a secret building he had found. He had told Steve how much he meant to him. On the two rare occasions that he has cried, that was one of them.
“I was happy and hoped you were happy too,” Steve said sincerely.
“Can you kiss me, Steve?” Bucky asked hopefully.
Steve understood why. He wanted to feel happy like he used too. He wanted to go back to normal despite how blurry normal seemed to be. How deeply normal was buried in the past.
And Steve wanted normal. He craved normal and that was with Bucky. He wanted so badly to kiss him like they used to do. The pure, raw emotion on Bucky’s face made it hard for Steve to resist. It was progress.
“Do you want me to kiss you Bucky?” Steve asked sincerely curious.
“Yes, I want you to kiss me.” Bucky said.
So he did. Steve leaned in and gave Bucky a long peck. They pulled away slowly gazing into each other’s eyes.
“I love you Bucky, I’ll always try to make you happy. I swear.” Steve said.
He reached to touch his face but when Bucky flinched he quickly dropped them.
“I want you to make me happy Steve. Deep down I know you can.”
“Cap! We’re ready when you are!” Barton said coming in and blushing when he saw the intimate moment he interrupted.
He coughed into his fist awkwardly before motioning towards the door, “Whenever you’re ready.” With that he was gone.
“We should go,” Bucky grumbled before getting up and slipping on a shirt over his white wife beater.
“I love you, Bucky.” Steve said not being able to help it.
Bucky looked at him before tilting his head, confusion clear on his face, and Steve understood. He knew that Bucky felt like he loved him too (at least that’s what he hoped) somewhere in the fog that was his memory. He kept confusing him and Steve decided not to say it anymore, not until Bucky was more comfortable.
“I love you too.” And again it was more of a question.
Steve inhaled turning off the violating videos of the Winter Soldier.
Bucky walked out of the room and Steve followed him, he was going to take his time with Bucky. He was going to take his time because he loved him too much.