“Steve?” The super soldier slowly turned around, facing the owner of the almost breaking voice.
“Steve please...” the man, Tony, begged again, this time only barely holding his tears back.
“Why are you doing this, Steve? Please, I promise I'll be better! I'll-”
The blond sighed. “Tony it's not you, it's just...”
But the engineer wouldn't listen to any of it. “Steve, baby, please, I'll do anything, I promise! I'll change! No more drinking, no more parties, nothing! Just you, please?”
And then he couldn't hold back his tears anymore. “I'm so sorry, Stevie, I am, for whatever I did! But please, we can work it out, I promise! Just tell me, okay...”
“Tony no, just listen, alright? There is nothing you can do-”
But again the soldier was interrupted.
“No no no, don't say that, there is always a way! We can go to therapy, everything you want!”
He desperately tried to reach out for Steve, to find some sort of comfort in the tall man, but before Tony even had the chance to touch him, his lover had taken two steps back.
“Don't do this to yourself, Stark.” he just said calmly. “You were the one who said you weren't sure where this would lead to.”
Anthony wanted to start another set of apologies, but Steve interrupted him.
“And I'm not saying that this is your fault or anything, you were honest to me from the beginning and we both knew that this wouldn't last, right?”
Except that Tony hadn't known. Sure, at first he had been unsure about all this, about Steve and what his real intentions were. But then, after month of nothing but sweet, loving Steve, he finally became more secure and started to trust this... this thing between them.
He was so nervous the first time he called Steve his boyfriend – in private of course, but still – but when the captain had just chuckled and kindly kissed him on the forehead, he had been so sure that they both felt the same way.
The way Steve had made him breakfast every day. The way he had him forced out of his workshop to eat and sleep and have human interactions on regular hours. The way they had started talking about everything, including the past. The way Tony had opened up to him and cried in Steve's arms for hours, after having nightmares or bad memories. And the way they had made sweet love, sometimes for hours.
So Tony didn't understand. Why was this happening to him? HOW was this happening to him? He had thought they had finally found their way... but, apparently, he had managed to fuck up the best thing of his life. Typical.
But he wouldn't let this go, couldn't let Steve go just like that. He had to fight for him. He had to make it right, whatever it was he had done.
Maybe Steve hadn't understood what he meant to him? Maybe, all these times when Tony found the guts to tell him he loved him, maybe he had always been asleep, already? That had to be it, right?
So if Tony just told him right now, they would be good again? Because Tony tried so hard, but he couldn't remember anything he had done recently, that would upset Steve to this decree. There had been no parties, no excessive, outrageous news stories about him, nothing. He had been good! Trying so hard, to be everything Steve wanted him to be. So this here was probably Steve trying to tell him that he wanted the whole package, a public relationship and all that stuff.
And Tony was ok with it, more than to be honest! He wanted to tell the whole world how in love he was with Steve Rogers and show them that this great, perfect man was his alone.
Now, finally having sorted his thoughts, Tony had to chuckle and hurried to wipe the ugly tears away from his face. Steve shouldn't have to see him like that.
Taking a deep breath, Tony then started to speak, more clearly this time.
“I'm sorry for how I've behaved in the past, Steve, I know this had to be difficult for you and I'm really willing to change everything, ok? I … This is so hard to say out load for me, but … I love you Stevie, I really do. And we can make it official and everything, I promise! I just love you so much, I can't loose you... I'll do everything for you, just tell me! I love you Steve!”
There was something akin to relief flooding Tony after he had finally admitted his feelings for Steve in the plain daylight. They would be okay! It had only been a stupid misunderstanding 'cause Tony had been to stupid to realize Steve hadn't known how he felt. They would make up and in twenty years they would still laugh about this every time they would tell the story of how they had become a couple.
But Tony's ranting mind was put to a halt by the pained and simultaneously harsh expression on his lover's face.
“Stark...”
No no no why were they with their family names again? What was happening? Steve was supposed to tell him that he loved him back!
“I'm … sorry if I gave you the wrong signals or anything … but ...”
No, no, no, no, no!
Tony's whole being went into denial. Steve wouldn't reject him, he wouldn't. Not now. Not when he finally knew that Tony needed him, that he would do anything for him!
“I thought it was clear from the beginning, right? You said that you didn't know if this would lead anywhere! It was you who said that, Stark!”
Tony realized that there was a desperate touch to Steve's voice now, right next to the accusation. Was it guilt? Steve shouldn't feel guilty, he shouldn't! When it was all Tony's fault, Steve was right, it was him who had said that. Always him, who hadn't been relationship material from the beginning. He could have never been enough for Steve!
“And now that Bucky's back... you knew how close we were back in the day, right? So you had to know that this ... between us … wouldn't last, the moment you heard that Buck was back! Right?”
And Steve sounded so vulnerable and hoping at the same time, that Tony couldn't bear it. He should have known it. There was always someone better, greater, more important than him. He swallowed the tears down to get out an raw “Yeah sure, just kiddin' anyway Steve, there's nothin' between us, right? Like you said...”
And when the captain, Stark's hero since his childhood, just nodded with plain relief written all over his face, Tony got out a last “Need to check on some updates... workshop!” before he hurried out of the room and down to his safe heaven. And after JARVIS locked the doors, he finally broke down, crying his heart out, asking himself how he could have ever believed the good captain would want to be with him, while his bots, beeping all around him, tried to gently pat his head in a somewhat compassionate, soothing gesture.
Everything was like before again. Even though it all had been a lie, right? He was isolated in his workshop one more time, lonely and desperate for love and approval, while the only ones caring about him were the beings created by himself. Pathetic, Tony whispered over and over again, until he cried himself into sleep.