You told me you loved me after I nearly died. Again. You yelled at me for half an hour and I thought that I pushed you too far this time. I thought you were going to kick me off the team but then you spoke those three words and I couldn’t understand. I thought I heard wrong but then you looked vulnerable and scared and I was shocked because why would such a wonderful person like you love me? Despite that fear I had to let you know that the feeling was mutual because of course I loved you. And God how much I loved you. Still love you. And to think that you would ever doubt that I felt the same broke my heart so I said it. You should’ve seen how your face lit up. You hugged me tight and in that moment I knew two things. First, you should’ve run like hell from me because I knew it would end badly and second, I knew that despite the rational thing to do was quit before it got ugly I couldn’t do that because a part of me wanted the relationship to last. Perhaps even dreaming that it would work was our first mistake.
You moved in on our four month anniversary. We had dinner in a burger joint because you couldn’t stand fancy restaurants and I couldn’t deny you anything. You were so happy about it that it kinda scared me. In that moment I knew I was truly gone. You were going to destroy me and I was going to love every moment of it. You insisted on telling everyone but of course they didn’t mind. They were always okay with whatever made you happy. You have that kind of effect on people. I think that it’s the puppy eyes that convince everyone or maybe it’s your charm. That night when we laid in bed together you promised me that you’ll always love me and that nothing will ever come between us. You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.
When we reached our six months milestone we had a big fight. It was after some tabloid started a rumor that I was dating a model. I remember how angry and betrayed you felt. I tried to explain but you wouldn’t listen so I let you leave. I knew I had to let you cool off before talking to you but I have to admit it kind of stung that you believed them. You really couldn’t tell that all I ever saw was you? I was so happy I didn’t even spare a second glance at anyone because you made me so happy and I loved you so much I would’ve moved mountains just so you would believe me. You came home that night drunk and you kept apologizing. I forgave you, of course I did. What you don’t know is that I smelled her perfume on you. I didn’t know who she was but I knew what you did. I forgave you because how could I not. You never came clean about it but I could see that it was eating you alive. I never got to tell you that it was okay.
It was our one year anniversary when it all went wrong. You left for that emergency mission and I was alone in the tower. Fury came by and told me about Registration. He told me that the Registration was going to be approved and that one of us was going to be the martyr and side with it. I couldn’t let you do it because I knew that they would manipulate you into doing it. I knew how you would feel about it so I knew what I had to do. I had to become the villain and believe me that it hurt more than you would ever know. I knew in that moment that it was over. All of the beautiful moments and all the love was wasted. I knew that even after all the times I laid awake at night afraid that you would leave and break my heart I would break yours instead. Despite all that I accepted because if one of us was going to be the villain, it wasn’t going to be you. Fury gave me a sorrowful look before leaving because he knew it too but it was imperative that we did it. I just wish we thought of something else. We wouldn’t have ended up here if we did but you’re the strategist, I’m just a mechanic.
I tried to talk to you the other day. The war went too far. I never wanted things to go this far. You never let me finish. You beat me bloody and I didn’t fight back because I deserved it. I’ll never forget the look of pure hatred on your face. And as I laid down on the ground telling you to finish it I thought about everything. Because we weren’t supposed to end up like that. So I waited for the fatal blow because I was tired and I wanted this war to end. I waited and I felt numb. My heart ached for you and I could never have you again. When the guards arrested you I wanted to surrender instead but I remembered my plan so I went on with the charade. I looked around me that night and I wanted to die. The war destroyed everyone. The Avengers didn’t exist anymore, Fury was missing or perhaps dead and all I wanted to do was crawl back into your arms. But I couldn’t and it hurt. It still hurts.
You died today. We were going to the courthouse and you were shot. I was too slow to stop it. I had to watch you die. You asked me if it was worth it with your last breath. Everyone stopped fighting after that. I stayed with you for a long time. I had to let you go at some point and when I did I went home. Well no, not my home, our old home. Or at least, what was left of it. The tower was a wreck but our room was left as the day we chose our sides. I cried for the first time since my parents died. When I went to my house they told me Registration was denied. I couldn’t even feel good about it. The only list of the few people that registered before is in my brain. I went to Reed for help. I told him to do whatever it takes to bring you back and he promised me he would.
So this is why I’m leaving you this. By the time you’re reading this you must be back and you must hate me. I don’t blame you, Steve, really I don’t. I just wanted you to hear my side of the story. I also want to tell you a few more things. You remember Extremis, right? Well I fixed the formula and I ended up testing it on myself after you left me. And yeah, I know what you’re thinking but I was willing to risk it, after all, I had nothing left. Anyway, the virus worked. It turned me into something new, my brain is like a computer now. When we planned to destroy Registration we had to erase the database with the registered people but that left one copy. In my brain. Now comes the tricky part. We have to erase that too because people can never have it. So I must erase my brain. Everything that happened in the war will be gone and thank God for that. I don’t want to remember. It’s also a very good chance that I might die so this is why I’m writing this. In case we never see each other again I want you to know that I’m really sorry, Steve. I never wanted things to get as bad as they are right now. I know that you might not believe me and I don’t expect you to. You’re dead right now and my heart can’t take it. I love you. I always will. All that I did… I thought I was doing the right thing. And to answer your question, no. It wasn’t worth it. None of it was but as I said you’re the strategist and as much as I keep saying that I’m a genius this time I made the dumbest move. There’s one more thing I want to tell you. Whatever you decide to do after you read this note I want you to know that it’s okay. I understand if you don’t forgive me and I hope one day if I survive we’ll be friends again. I love you, always and forever.
Goodbye, Steve.