Hurt
I hurt myself today To see if I still feel To focus on the pain The only thing that's real
“Nat. Nat!” Clint yells.
She slowly turns and looks at him with an expression that he hadn’t seen since he’d first brought her into SHIELD. Her eyes were glassy; other than that her was expression blank.
Clint ran to her, grabbing a kitchen towel off the counter next to her, spilling the vegetables off the cutting board. Blood was running from her fingers down her arm. She drops the knife, it clatters to the floor. He puts the towel over the gash in her hand.
“What happened, how did you…” he ask gently as he wraps the towel around her arm and applies pressure.
“I don’t feel anything. I want to feel something.” She met his eyes. He brought her into his arms, they drop to the floor, and he holds her.
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
Bruce sighed, “Okay, one more time.” He puts the needle in his arm and withdrew a vial of blood. He doesn’t even bother wincing. Over the years Bruce has tried everything he knew of to kill the beast inside him; even when he could only hear the roar within him from the Hulk, he tried killing the beast. Nothing worked. Nothing.
He learned from Betty he couldn’t have a relationship, friends, but he still tries anyway. In his dreams, he remembered how he’d almost killed Betty when the Hulk was first released. He’d almost killed Natasha on the Helicarrier. He remembers everything… in his dreams.
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
Rationally, Steve knew that he’d done more good than harm becoming Captain America. He and the Howling Commandos took down HYDRA bases. They went into situations that others could not, and then he lost Bucky. Only a few days later, the world lost him in a plane crash that saved the world. When he woke up seventy years later, nearly everyone he knew was dead and he was left here on Earth to watch all his friends die around him.
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
After Tony had been kidnapped in Afghanistan and learned that his weapons had been the cause of so much destruction, had taken so many innocent lives, he vowed that he would never make another mass-produced weapon. No one would go through what others before had to endure—the loss, the fear. He’d learned it first hand and he wasn’t going to let that happen to anyone else.
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Natasha told Steve that the truth depended on the circumstances; it’s not all things to all people at all times. In one aspect, it’s completely true, but he was right; it is a hard way to live. The problem with living that way is, it’s easy to lose your way. She’s told so many lies over the years she’s doesn’t know what’s true anymore, and she’s not sure she ever did. She has fractures of memories she struggles to put together. She knows even though she will never have the whole truth, but she doesn’t stop trying.
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
Steve can’t make it through the week without at least one nightmare of Bucky falling from the train. When he can’t sleep he runs, and to his surprise he has become even faster, every night more running away. The nightmares become more frequent when he learns Bucky survived the fall only to become Winter Solider. Though he dreams of them together before the war, before the program, those dreams are somehow worse.
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
“Tony, what is wrong with you,” Pepper asked. “When did you become like this?”
Tony looked at her confused, “What do you mean?”
“You’re not you anymore. You’ve become someone completely different. You used to be someone I could rely on, a confidant, but now you’re so… Wrong. You can’t save the world by yourself. Let them help." She sighed, "I’m sorry, I just… I just can’t.”
“But, Pepper,” he began.
She looked at him tearfully, “I’m sorry.”
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
Nick Fury was angry. HYDRA grew right under his nose. Why didn’t he see it? Was he just too absorbed in making things go the way he thought was best? He’d taken over SHIELD and made an even better agency he’d thought. He’d hired agents who he’d thought were the best in their fields. Hell, he’d scrapped the plan of taking out an ex-KGB assassin, deprogrammed her, and not only had one of the best agents in the world, but he had one of his best friends, too. That meant a lot in the spy world, his world. Then, he let her down by not telling her he wasn’t actually dead—the brief gaze of betrayal on her face when she walked in to find him alive; the look had shown on her face. She was too good for that to have happened on purpose. He’d hurt her… He’d hurt Black Widow. He’d hurt his friend. That was a transgression that was not easily forgiven, by her or by himself.
If I could start again…
Nick starts a new SHIELD, this time run by Phil Coulson. Thus far, it’s HYDRA free. Nick only becomes involved when he has to. He makes sure that Phil has what he needs. He gives him the information he acquires out in the field. Together, they pull together a new Helicarrier. They keep it quiet; it’s only known about when the Avengers rescue civilians from Sokovia. Nick doesn’t want Phil’s SHIELD tainted by his presence, or his mistakes. Very few people know about his resurrection and he wants to keep it that way. Now, he has to find a way to make up his screw ups to the people he hurt.
A million miles away…
Steve and Sam fruitlessly search for Bucky. He seems to be the ghost they made him out to be. Steve and Sam raid HYDRA bases in hopes of just a little more intel. Bucky has usually beat them there leaving only the shadow he casts over Steve. They gather what intel they can and move on.
Sam’s there for him to talk to. He’s there to listen to Steve and to tell him when to take a break. Surprisingly, Steve listens. Natasha warns him not to “pull on that thread.” Sometimes, the guilt eats at him because he thinks maybe he should have listened.
I will keep myself…
Bruce gets on the Internet sometimes just to see how the Avengers are doing. Occasionally, he finds out more information by hacking the security feeds. He thinks the only reason he can do that is because Tony left his authorization codes in place. He sees the security footage at the new facility of Nat sitting in front of that one wall, staring for hours on end. He hears Hulk distantly protest and tell him he’s being stupid punishing himself for not being with her. She gave him a chance and he ruined it. If anyone could have been safe with them, it would have been her. Sometimes, Bruce isn’t sure anymore if it’s just Hulk’s voice that’s telling him that.
I would find a way…
Tony wishes he’d listened to Pepper more, maybe she’d still be with him. He doesn’t think he could have kept her safe though. It’s probably for the best he’s by himself. Since the Avengers have their own training facility that’s not in the Tower, he goes back to his old destructive ways of not sleeping and drinking himself into a stupor. DUM-E helps when he can, but while he’s a rather intelligent machine despite his name, he can only do so much. FRIDAY has taken to calling Natasha when she thinks Tony’s close to self-destruction. Nat comes in, sometimes straight from a mission, and is Tony’s shoulder to cry on. She doesn’t say anything. She just hides his booze, makes him shower, and puts him to bed. Sometimes, Tony asks her to stay just so his large bed doesn’t seem so lonely. She showers, puts her pajamas on, and climbs into bed with him. He snuggles up to her. She strokes his hair and says comforting things to him in Russian until he’s asleep. Usually, both of them sleep pretending they are with someone else.
For Natasha, life gets overwhelming sometimes and it’s Tony’s turn to be her shoulder to cry on. Come to find out, he’s pretty good at it. One night she finds herself telling him what happened in Sokovia between her and Bruce. He doesn’t say anything, just wraps his arms around her and holds her while she cries. He doesn’t know what’s more terrifying, the fact that Bruce made Black Widow cry or that he finds himself wanting to protect her from the world. He’s determined to be there for her the way that she’s there for him though. Better than that, if possible.
Every one of them has a reason to be hurt, but none of them can afford to stay lying down for long. In the end they will find their way.