Chapter 1
July 2014
The flight from New York City hadn’t been the best. Getting through the thick crowds in the middle of July had Clint scowling. He and the Avengers were still trying to deal with the Hydra cells littering the planet. Just before leaving his apartment, he and Barney got into a yelling match over the phone. He’d wired the money his brother was asking for on the way to the airport.
Now, here Clint was in Portland, Oregon with the oppressive heat bearing down on him making his mood fouler by the second. Why Audrey wanted to see him after all this time was an impossible question to answer.
Phil was dead. Clint had taken it upon himself to break the news the last time he was here.
He hated remembering that. Clint was still trying to get his head together at the time. The friendship they’d found had helped them both. By the time he’d left, Clint felt he was ready to move on with his life.
They’d talked little since. Saving the world was a full time job. After SHIELD fell, it had turned into two full time jobs.
Clint shoved his backpack into the back of the cab and got inside. During the drive over, he thought back to their last contact. It’d been a brief phone call. He was on his way out of the country and before jumping on a quinjet, he’d called. She’d sounded breathless and happy. He could well imagine a new man in her life and he hoped that was the case. If anyone deserved it, she did.
Getting the guilt and grief out of the way hadn’t been easy. The team, mostly Natasha, had been there for him. He got through it and despite feeling Phil’s painful loss to this day, Clint was able to move on with his life. He’d go crazy otherwise. He knew his own head that well.
The taxi parked in front of a simple home with white-painted shutters and bright flowers. It was a picturesque setting and he stopped to admire it after paying the driver. Clint couldn’t imagine Audrey living anywhere else.
By the time he got to the porch, the door swung open. Audrey had a bright smile and he returned it with ease.
“Look at you,” Audrey grinned. She pulled Clint into a hug. “I’ve missed you.”
Clint returned it and stepped back, her hand still holding his.
“You look beautiful as always.”
Audrey smiled and pulled him inside. She took the backpack and set it on the floor.
“Do you still drink that horrible coffee?”
Clint followed her to the kitchen. “Yep. Nothin’ but sludge for us carnie folk.”
“I figured as much.” Audrey poured him a cup and handed it over.
“Thanks.”
“I haven’t had a cup of coffee since…” Audrey put her hands on her hips. “Oh, hell, I don’t know when.”
“Puts hair on your chest, they say.”
She laughed and Clint along with her.
“The last time I saw you, we both were quite the mess.”
Clint glanced down for a moment. “You pulled together pretty well. I’ve never seen you happier.”
Audrey blushed a little. “Well, it’s not hard to be when you appreciate just truly how precious life is.”
“True that.” Clint raised his cup in a toast.
He watched her inch forward.
“Do you mind if I drop a couple of bombs on you? There’s probably an etiquette to this thing such as waiting thirty minutes after a guest arrives before shocking the hell out of them.”
“Audrey, is something wrong?”
“No,” Audrey assured him. “I mean, yes, but no.”
“Okay,” Clint said slowly. He set the coffee on the counter. “So good news and bad news?”
She took hold of his hand again and placed it over her heart. Clint stilled at the tender moment and searched her eyes. He saw happiness, but something else, too.
“I’m going to show you something, Clint. I need you to not say a word at first. Give it a minute to soak in before you react. Promise?”
“Um…I’m gay,” Clint blurted.
Audrey laughed in that typical way which always made Clint smile.
“I promise.”
She cupped his cheek and then gently pulled him out of the kitchen. Audrey guided him down the hallway and they stopped in front of a closed door. She put a finger to her lips and he nodded.
When the door opened, Audrey went first and Clint followed. It took a moment for him to realize there was a crib in the corner. He moved closer and looked down. A baby slept with its fist on its mouth, covered in a beige blanket with giraffes.
“You have a baby,” Clint whispered in awe. He leaned closer and took in the tuft of blond/red hair. It made a little noise and Clint straightened.
“His name is Riley. He’s 21 months old.”
“He’s beautiful, Audrey.” Clint took another look at the child. “Phil would be so happy for you.”
“Clint…”
When Clint’s eyes met hers, the math came together quickly in his head. “He’s Phil’s, isn’t he?”
Clint turned his gaze back to the baby. Phil had a son. The realization of it made his heart lurch painfully. He reached over and barely touched Riley’s cheek. The unfairness of it all hurt even more. Riley would grow up never knowing the great man his father was.
Audrey put a hand on his arm. “Come on.”
They left the bedroom and Audrey had Clint sit on the sofa. She handed him a box of tissue and waited for him to dry his eyes.
“Sorry,” Clint whispered. “It’s just that…”
“I know. I was so happy that I forgot and called Phil’s cell. Crying on a kitchen floor isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
This time, Clint reached over and took her hand in his. “I’m sorry.”
“Phil had been gone a month when I figured out I was pregnant. The symptoms were all there and I went with the assumption it was stress.”
“You never told me.”
“I was still trying to get my own head together, Clint. Between having a baby on the way and mourning Phil, I was determined to put my life together. You’d been through so much and you needed time as well.”
“I wish you’d called.”
“Believe me, I do, too. It would make the rest of my news a lot easier.”
Clint waited while Audrey grabbed a tissue from the box, blew her nose and wiped her eyes.
“A few months ago, I got sick. It was a horrible flu and it didn’t want to go away. So, I went to my doctor.” She sighed and clenched Clint’s hand tighter. “He ran a few tests and then there was a biopsy.”
“What?”
“I have stage four pancreatic cancer.”
The news was like a body blow and Clint leaned over. Audrey’s hand caressed his back, calming him. It took a moment for Clint to find the words.
“Maybe it’s a mistake. I know people, Audrey. Stark, Banner, any of them could help.”
“Tony knows.”
“He knows? Stark never said a word.”
“I made him promise, Clint. He was the first person I called. I knew he’d do it for Phil.” Audrey bit her lip. “He flew me to Paris to see the best doctors in the world. I had an operation and they removed what they could. We thought it was in remission, but it came back.”
“Jesus.”
“Survival rates are low. It was a long shot, but I had to take it for Riley’s sake.”
Thor, Clint thought. If he could get in touch with Thor, maybe Audrey might have a chance with Asgard medicine.
“Clint, I need you to listen to me. There are things that need done and I don’t have anyone else I can turn to.”
Clint shot off the sofa. “No, you listen to me. You’re not giving up. Stark doesn’t know everything and everyone. Hell, Thor’s people can…”
“You have to accept this, Clint. Please,” she implored. Audrey got to her feet and made Clint look at her. “It’s too late for me, but not for Riley. The next steps I make are for him until I can’t make anymore.”
“Audrey, I don’t know if I can do this,” Clint begged. Riley shouldn’t know the loss of two parents and he would do everything he could to keep that from happening.
“One of the things Phil and I had in common was the fact we both had no families left. We both were only children.”
“What are you telling me?”
“I have to find Riley a good home. I’ve spoken with an adoption agency…”
“No!” Clint didn’t know he yelled until after he’d said it. He took a deep breath and lowered his voice. “You can’t, Audrey. Please, don’t do that to him.”
“Clint, they can find him good parents who will love him.”
“Who’ll tell him?”
“What?” Audrey had a bewildered expression on her face.
“Someone has to tell him about Phil, his Dad. If you…you…” Clint couldn’t say the word.
“Die,” Audrey calmly supplied.
“He needs to know about his parents and how much they love him.”
The last words broke him and Clint went down to one knee. Audrey knelt next to him.
“Oh, Clint.”
Clint cried in her arms. He cried for himself, for never telling Phil he loved him, for Audrey who was too full of life to die and for Riley. Seeing a little boy with Phil’s eyes and Audrey’s smile who’d never know his parents had him crying harder than he ever had in his life.
~*~
When Clint woke in the guest room, he’d momentarily forgotten everything. Then he remembered Audrey bringing him to the bedroom and helping him to bed. Nighttime had settled and the house was quiet.
Coming to a realization had startled him awake. Clint pushed off the covers and slipped out of bed. He went down the hallway to Audrey’s room and tapped on the door.
“Audrey,” Clint whispered. “Are you awake?”
“Come in, Clint.”
Clint did and seeing her on the bed made him pause. She was much thinner than he realized. Her skin pale made him see just how sick she was.
He went to the bed and sat next to her.
“I know there’s things that’s got to be done and I’ll do whatever you want, Audrey. You’ve got my word on that. Everything’ll be done to the letter. But, there’s something I want to say first before you give Riley over to an adoption agency.”
“What is it?”
Clint readied for a refusal and steadied himself.
“I’ll raise him. Me.” He saw the stunned look on her face. “Just hear me out. My job right now isn’t the most stable or safe, but I can change that. Stark’s been after me to help train his baby recruits at Avenger HQ. It’ll mean being there most nights unless the Avengers can’t do without me which isn’t that much, to be honest. I can get a real home for us. Not some apartment in the city, but something with a yard and trees. Lots of flowers. He’d have Avengers for uncles and an aunt, if Natasha doesn’t cap me for telling Riley to call her that.”
“Clint, I don’t think you realize what you’re saying.”
“I do, I swear I do,” Clint quickly answered. “Riley has to know you and Phil. I don’t trust anyone else to do it the right way.” He shook his head. “I know you’ve got no reason to think I won’t fuck this up, Audrey, but I swear I’ll love him as much as you do and as much Phil would’ve.”
Audrey just gazed into his eyes and Clint couldn’t gage what she was thinking. He watched her shift over in the bed.
“Come here,” she said with a motion of her hand.
Clint crawled in next to her and they put their arms around one another.
“Truth time, Clint. You loved him.”
She was talking about Phil and Clint was ready to deny it.
“How long?” Audrey prodded.
“Six years,” Clint admitted. “Probably longer. We got holed up in a hut outside Lima, Peru. We were patching each other up while waiting for extraction.”
Classified didn’t matter anymore since Natasha had become the Snowden of the day. Plus, Audrey had a right to know everything.
“Why didn’t you tell him?” She carefully asked.
He chuckled a little. “Tell my very straight handler that his gay ex-carnie asset wanted him to be more than my SO.”
“Phil wouldn’t have hurt you, Clint. Surely you know that.”
“Yeah, I think so. I didn’t want to be transferred to another handler.”
Audrey softly laughed. “Phil was too professional for his own good sometimes.”
“Well, he had you.”
“He could’ve had more if he’d wanted, but SHIELD would always come first. That was one competition I would have lost hands down.”
Clint couldn’t argue that. SHIELD had been Phil’s life.
“He talked about you…a lot, actually.” Audrey’s eyes twinkled as she spoke. “He said he’d never known a more giving soul than you. No matter how cocky you were, drove him crazy with your penchant for practical jokes, you went above and beyond to do right for complete strangers.” She raised her head and propped her elbow up to look at Clint. “He told me a story about you once.”
“Oh?” Clint wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear this.
“It was some carnival in Spain. This little boy was trying to win a Captain America shield. Phil said it was nothing but painted cardboard. You knew the game was rigged, but played it anyway. After losing an acceptable number of times, you won and gave it to the boy.”
“I remember.”
“Phil said you could’ve gotten it easily on the first try, but you didn’t.”
“Carnie folks don’t make much,” Clint mumbled.
“Phil may never have admitted it, but he cared deeply for you, Clint.” Audrey rolled to her back and grinned. “He wasn’t that straight, you know. His college years were quite colorful from what he’d told me.”
“He always seemed a little too buttoned up,” Clint told her. “There was a wild man hiding under that perfectly pressed suit. I was sure of it.”
“You knew him better than you think, Clint.” She turned her head. “I think you’re right.”
“About what?”
“Riley needs to know us and I can’t think of a better person than you.”
“Audrey, are you sure?”
There were tears in her eyes. “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. You will make a great father for Riley.”
Clint took Audrey in his arms and closed his eyes. “I promise, Audrey. Riley will always come first.”