The first time I told you I loved you was after a mission. You almost died again. I spent minutes thinking that you were dead and I swore to myself that if you would live through it I would come clean with my feelings. It was almost a miracle that you got out alive. We reached the jet and I was still scared, scared that you would fade away, scared that you were just a hallucination that my brain provided in order to deal with the truth. I don’t know how long we stood there, me yelling at you and you just looking at me with those wonderful eyes. The truth is that I let it slip. Those three little words slipped out and I was scared that I ruined everything because why would a genius like you love someone like me? I was just a kid from Brooklyn while you were you. When you said you loved me back I hugged you tight and I never wanted to let go. I was afraid that if I let you go you’d realize that you didn’t really want me. I guess I should’ve held you a little bit tighter.
Our four month anniversary was the best day of my life. I knew that you wanted a fancy dinner and I was happy to comply but you surprised me again by taking me to that little burger joint. You smiled so wide when we got there. Your happiness was infectious. I wanted to see you that happy all the time. When we got back to the tower I told everyone about our relationship because I was so happy and I wanted them to be happy for us. I was so proud of us. They all smiled and congratulated us and I still remember the look of shock on your face. You say they did it for me but it was actually for you. You never saw the soft look Natasha gave you or he fond smiles Clint and Bruce gave you as they patted you on the back. I never said anything about it because I knew you’d just laugh. You always thought the worst when it came to you. I know Howard’s to blame for that. He never saw how great you are. That night I made you a lot of promises. I am truly I let trivial things come between us. I guess I let you down.
The thing I regret even now is what I did on our six month anniversary. I got so worked up about the rumors that I started to feel insecure. The model was so much better than me that when I heard the news I saw red. I remember the look of pure panic on your face as you tried to talk to me. I didn’t listen. I ended up in a bar. The music was too loud and I had too many drinks but I was still sober. Can’t get drunk thanks to the serum. A girl approached me. She was plain compared to you but I was so angry that I went with her. I can’t even remember her name. I felt so filthy after. I came back and I apologized to you but I never told you what happened. I should’ve known you figured it out. You were a genius after all. You should’ve left me then and there but you didn’t and God knows I didn’t deserve you. I still don’t.
The last thing you remember must be my mission. Well that day Fury approached you and told you about Registration. Registration wanted every superhero to give up their secret identity and one of us had to stand by it. You chose to join it because you’re always the martyr. I wish you would’ve talked to me. You let me believe that you agreed with Registration and I was shocked and angry because it was all wrong. I should’ve known something was wrong but I just walked out. The Avengers weren’t a team anymore, some joined my side some joined yours and some were just missing. At some point during the war you tried to talk to me. You begged me to listen and I didn’t. I felt so angry and betrayed that I never let you talk. I started beating you and you didn’t fight back. That only made me angry because you started all that and you just stood there and took it. It dawned to me after they pulled me off you that you wanted to die. I didn’t understand. Maybe if I listened from the beginning it would’ve changed everything but as it is, I was stubborn and you were the martyr as usual. I died on the courthouse steps. It was not your fault no matter what you might think. We were both at fault. You wrote me a letter after I died. You explained a lot of things. You told me how you injected yourself with Extremis and how you had to erase your brain in order to save the heroes that registered.
You’re in a coma right now. You’ve been in a coma since you deleted your memories of the war. I don’t know what to tell you about the letter you left me. You don’t even remember it but it broke my heart. They’re telling me that you might not wake up but I know you will. Since you still have Extremis you will probably see all the horrible articles about the war. That’s why I’m writing this. I know that you’ll blame yourself. It is not your fault. I can’t tell you that I regretted what I was doing during the war because while I was doing it, it felt right. I didn’t know a lot of things back then. I certainly regret it now. I never wanted to fight you. When I woke up in this century I felt so lost. I wanted to lay down and die along with my old life but you didn’t let me. You introduced me to every new thing there was, you offered me a place to stay and you’ll never know how much that meant to me. You were the light guiding me through all this insane world. I guess I lost sight of that for a while in the war. I wish I could go back and give myself a punch, to make myself listen to you but I can’t do that. We can’t do that. I also think that we would do it again. You will always choose to save me because you think you’re expendable. You’re not. The world needs Anthony Stark. I need you. I want to yell at you for risking your life with Extremis but it’s no use now. You won’t even remember doing it. And I guess in the end that’s the problem. You won’t remember the war but I will. It’s not your fault, you did what you had to do to save people. You’re a hero even if you don’t believe it. I can’t stay in the Tower with you. My heart aches every time I look at you in that bed. You’re so still and calm, so unlike you. I also have to put my thoughts in order.
I want you to remember this. I love you. I never stopped. I still stand by my statement. I don’t deserve you. I don’t know if we’ll be able to fix what is broken between us. There’s a rift between us that only I can see. The bottom line is that I’m willing to try. Being here without you is destroying me. So when you wake up call me. We’ll start over and work for it because I’ll fight for you however long it takes.
See you soon, Tony.