Natasha didn't know this herself until Bruce into her life how much she really wanted...needed somebody. She had a fondness to the quiet doctor from the beginning. It changed to something deeper the longer there friendship went on. They worked together to control the hulk and her fear of the other guy. Together they created "The Lullaby" to calm him back into Bruce after a battle.
She wanted him. Badly. She wanted to hold him when he was scared, kiss all his nightmares away. See him smile in the early morning, making coffee and going over lab work. She wanted all of that.
She wanted what Clint has on the farm. Lovely kids, a lovely spouse that loves him unconditionally. Living in peace.
But she never can have that.
The red room made sure of that. But she's accepted it. She flirted, she cared, she helped Bruce thru everything he thought was wrong with him.
And then he left.
Just left. Like nothing ever happened.
Took off In one of the jets, stealth mode so he can't be tracked. And he knows it to. She tried to talk him down. Tried to get him to come home. To take it off Stealth mode. But he left.
It hurt. The suddenness of it. The abrupt end. Like nothing meant anything.
Like she never meant anything.
She ignored the way it made her heart break just a little when she passed by the labs or saw something he would love and made her think of him. But she got by. She had to. She had a whole new team to train with Steve.
She didn't realize until Bruce how badly she wanted somebody to hold and love and to have that in return. She decided then to put herself into the dating world. It was a scary thought but exciting. She hadn't felt like a woman in years. All the fighting and living in a tower with nothing but the manliest men will do that.
She put herself as a fake name online. And she was proud when Clint found it.
He only made fun of it three times that week. He's grown.
She was online as Jessica smith. Army veteran of 7 years. Stupid but simple enough to be believable. She talked to a few guys online, mostly just to get the feel of it. She's never done this before. Putting herself out there. She was nervous. She had been talking to one man for a while. He reminded her of Bruce which is most likely why they hit it off.
His name of Mathew McDerman. Irish. Brown hair, green eyes. Athletic build. A primary Doctor, specializing in pediatrics. She had a soft spot for children or anyone who adored children. Another reason her and Bruce got along so well.
After a month of talking to him she decided to bite the bullet and go on a date. Clint, being the protective best friend he is tried to talk her from it while at the same time trying to push her to it.
She was putting on her make up while he lays upside down on the bed. "I don't know Tasha. What if he ends up being a serial rapist or killer or even A hydra agent?" She didn't even raise an eyebrow at him while she put her powder on. "Why would a hydra agent be working with children?" "Exactly. So they can get to you, cause you'll think oh no, he's a nice guy. He' not a hydra agent at all. It's exactly the cover they could use."
She turned giving him the look. "I can handle myself Clint. No need to go all protective brother on me." He got up smiling, sitting in the bed. "But Tasha con'on, it's my job to be the protective brother at this point. And since you don't have an actual brother I'l be happy to stand in." She turned to her mirror. "Wow. Captain America must be so proud of your sacrifices." "Damn straight."
She dressed in a simple black dress that hugged her curves but also went out in an A-line. She drove to the spot she was netting him. A nice but not too fancy Italian restaurant. She was seated, waiting for her date.
It wasn't too long before a man with brown hair and green eyes and a shy personality came to her dressed in a nice suit. "Jessica?" She smiled, standing to greet him, holding out her hand. " . It's nice to finally meet you in person." He smiled. "No need to be so formal. Please, call me Matt."
She smiled as they both sat down. "Matt. It's nice to meet you. So tell me about your work." She honestly didn't expect to have such a good time on her date. The talk was non-stop. They had so much in common as of interests and favorites. Once the date was over she invited him to "find somewhere private" but he blushed, smiling. "Actually could we go slow? I really like you and I don't want rush into anything." Natasha smiled, nodding. She wasn't expecting that. It was...nice.
He walked her to her car. She smiled. "This was surprisingly nice. How about another date?" He smiled. "That would be great. I'l be in touch with you." He seemed to stop, looking very shy. She frowned. "You ok?"
His hands fidgeted in his pants pockets. It made Natasha nervous but willed herself to relax. He spoke. "May I kiss you goodbye?" She was taken aback by the question, smiling. "I'd love you to." He smiled, lending in, his hands going to her waist, kissing her softly.
It was chaste and sweet and soft and noting she was expecting. He pulled away, smiling sweetly. "This weekend ok?" She nodded, still in shock of the sweetness of the kiss. "Perfect."
She drove home feeling giddy. Like a school girl. She parked in the garage. She made her way up to the living area where Clint and Tony sat talking. Holding cups of coffee. Clint saw her, grinning. "So how was your first official date since...ever?" She sighed as Tony watched her for an answer while he got coffee. "It was good. He's a really nice guy. We're gonna go on another date this weekend." She started to walk away to go upstairs when Tony spoke. "Do we get to meet Mr. Nice guy?" "Nope. I'd rather not scare him away." She heard Clint choke in his coffee. "What's that supposed to mean? Tasha!?" She smiled, walking away and up stairs.
Her and Matt went on a second date.
And a third.
And a fourth.
And weeks turned into months.
And months turned into three months.
And in those three months they became an official couple. She still didn't want to bring him to the tower. But she did get to go back to his place for "coffee." And surprisingly he was good in bed. He was sweet yet rough and always made sure she was ok and listened to her every word and command.
She wondered if Bruce was just as good in bed. But pushed that thought away before it could hurt.
It was six months in where she decided to tell Matt who she was and meet her family in the tower. It was make or break time. He looked in awe at the tower around him. And they were just in the garage. "Wow. You live here?" Natasha nodded before getting out. "Yep. Home sweet home." He got out, going to her and holding her hand. He was just the right amount of affectionate. He wasn't clingy but his presence around her was nice. "So you ready to meet some super heroes?" He smiled. "I still can't believe I'm dating one." She smiled, holding his hand tighter. Leading up to the living area. Sam was making dinner. Some kind of stir-fry. He looked up, seeing Natasha and her boyfriend.
Sam turned the stove down before wiping his hands on a towel and walking over. "So this is the boyfriend we've heard so much about." Natasha looked at Matt who was looking nervous. She smiled. "All good things." Matt smiles, nodding. "I sure hope so."
He met everybody. And Natasha was impressed. None gave him any shovel talk. As far as she knew. While Matt was talking with Tony and Steve she went to refill there wine glasses. Clint followed. Natasha gave him a look while taking the cork out of the wine bottle. "Give him the talk?" Clint smirked, leaning against the counter. "Think I should? He seems pretty harmless. But I'm sure me and Steve could put some fear in him." " He's just met captain America and Iron man in one night. I think he's got the fear in him." Clint gave her more of a serious look. "You really like him don't you?" Natasha looked over with a soft smile. "I do. I think I actually care for him which is terrifying." Clint gave her a look. "Just be careful. He hurts you he's gonna have a talk with my fist." Natasha smirked, holding two glasses of wine. "I think I'l be alright big brother of mine." She walked away and he huffed. "You better."
She walked in to hear Matt laughing to a joke Tony made. It made her heart flutter just a bit. She smiled, kissing his cheek, handing him his wine. "I'm sorry, Tony thinks he's a comedian." Matt smiled. "It's alright. Still in shock I'm dating a superhero." Steve smiled before speaking. "Just keep that in mind if you think about hurting her." Natasha sighed. So much of them not giving him the talk. Matt nodded. "Trust me I will." He finished, holding her hand with a smile.
Natasha really should have known better.
He would spent the in the tower, sleeping over the weekend before he had to go back to work Monday. She almost forgot about her nightmares when she was with him. He made her happier then she had been in a long time. A simple weekend should be no problem. But after making love before falling asleep her nightmares visited her while he slept beside her.
She hadn't realized it got to the point of sleep walking and screaming in Russian until she woke with a gasp, seeing where she was, what she was holding.
Her pistol was in her hands, pointed at the far wall across from her. The big light was on In the room and Steve and Clint had come in to help, getting notified by Friday that her nightmare reached a certain level. And poor Matt was nearly hiding himself into the headboard. He looked as terrified as Natasha felt. Steve spoke carefully, walking to her. Her hand a death grip on the gun. The fear. The red room still fresh in her mind. "Natasha. Your alright. Your safe. Do you know where you are?"
She swallowed. Her grip not letting go. Clint readied himself to tackle her if need be. He could see how wide her eyes were, the sweat from the fear and adrenaline and years of training going thru her. Steve spoke again, more stern. Like they were in battle. "Natasha. Answer the question." She looked around, almost startled by his voice before speaking. "The tower...I'm in the tower...oh god..." The gun fell from her hands as Clint rushed over to her, holding her as she collapsed into tears.
Steve walked over to Matt with a frown. "You ok? That must have been pretty scary for you." Matt was shaking, watching Clint comfort Natasha, his girlfriend. He reminded himself. "Is she gonna be ok? What happened? I've never seen a nightmare that violent." Steve frowned, looking over at Natasha who was starting to calm in Clint's embrace. "You know what PTSD is right?" Matt nodded. "Yeah. Just...never seen it. I thought it was like just a lot of anxiety, like they could have a number of panic attacks that interfere with life but...I guess it gets worse then that." Steve frowned. "A lot worse. We all have our problems here but we all have our way of coping."
Once she had calmed Steve and Clint helped her and Matt to the living room. Clint gave Natasha one more hug before going to his own room to sleep again. Steve brought them tea and said he'd be around because he normally dosnt need a lot of sleep. Steve looked at them both. "Talk to each other. I'l be around if you need me again." Natasha hugged her mug of tea to herself. Looking smaller then he's ever seen her. "Thanks Steve." Steve nodded before walking away.
There was an awkward silence as Natasha held her tea and Matt stared at the floor, fidgeting with his pajama pants. Natasha started first. Her voice rough from the emotions that we're going thru her. "I'm sorry. I should have told you about my nightmares but honestly I forgot about them." "How can you forget about something like that?" She looked over at him with a sad smile and tears in her eyes. "You make me happy." He gave a little smile, still shaken from what happened. "What happened? I mean in your past. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that. " Natasha smiled weakly. "A lot of things happened. But none that I'm ready to talk about with you." He nodded. "I understand."
She put her hand into his when he pulled away, standing. "Is there another room I can sleep in tonight? Sorry I just need some space to process all this." She swallowed the growing lump in her throat and stood. "Of corse. It's a lot. I'l show you to a guest room." She lead him to another that was down the hall from hers. She opened the door for him. He stopped in front of her, kissing her sweetly.
She was starting to melt into it when he pulled away. "I'm sorry cherry pie. I just need some space tonight. I'l make it up to you and take you to that show you've been wanting to see." She nodded with a small smile. "Sounds like a plan. Sleep well." He nodded, closing the door with her out in the hallway. Alone.
If she cried quietly with her now cold tea in her hands No one one else would know.
Another month went by and a mission came in. She, Clint and a few other shield agents would be overseas for weeks. Maybe months. She told Matt over the phone, while making dinner for the tower. It was a family dinner night. "Weeks? Natasha that could be months. I wouldn't see you for months." "I know. I know it's hard but I have to. Innocent people and children could be hurt if I'm not there."
Matt sighed over the phone while she was draining the noddles. "I'm gonna miss you." Natasha smiled. "I'l miss you to and I promise when I come back first thing I'll do is go to your house and surprise you. You know the thing I do with my tongue?"
Matt chuckled. "You have a deal cherry pie. Guess I'l see you when you get back?" She frowned. He didn't even ask when this was. " I don't leave until the end of the week. I have to pack and get ready." "Oh! Ok, cool. I'l make sure to add more dates to the calendar then." She rolled her eyes. "Don't strain yourself. Bye." She hung up feeling annoyed with him.
The week went by (with one date by the way) and the mission came and went over the course of four months with contact with Matt when she could. It wasn't always easy but she was putting effort into the relationship. And she kept her promise. Once she showered and put on some nice cloths, she went to his house around 8PM. It was a modern, suburban type home. Not her type but she could manage.
She picked the lock, going inside the house. She sighed, looking around before sitting herself on the recliner. After a few moments she heard noises from upstairs. She stood up, pistol in her hand. It sounded like Matt was hurt. But there was movement to. She couldn't place it thou. It bothered her. She kept quiet as she walked up the stairs. She got to the closed bedroom door, opening it quickly, pointing the gun inside when she stopped.
There was a woman who wasn't her riding Matt's cock. She lowered it just as Matt noticed her, stopping the woman. "Nat! Your back!" The woman stopped, getting off him and covering herself as he did the same. Covering himself as he struggled to get pants on.
Natasha put the gun back in her belt. "Yeah. It's a shame I didn't. " she turned, walking out of the room and down the stairs. She heard Matt following her. She got to the landing then he spoke. "Cherry pie, let me explain-" She turned, glaring despite the tears in her eyes. "No. There is no explaining. You cheated on me. Case closed." Matt sputtered. "Nat, I barely knew if you were alive or dead, you barely kept up with me. Barely called." "Do you have any idea how hard it is to make personal calls while in a very hostile situation in the middle of no where? I did my best. I guess it wasn't enough."
She turned then was stopped by his hand on her wrist. She tensed, glaring at the door. "You have until the count of five to get your hand off me or I break it off in three places." He let go, letting her walk to her car and speed back to the tower.
Once she parked in the garage was when it sunk in. The tears wouldn't stop. She's never felt so weak in her life. Suddenly her phone vibrated. She looked. It was a long text message from Matt.
"I'm sorry you had to find out this way but I was gonna end things with us when you got back in a more civil manner. I can't handle it all. The nightmares. The missions. You were gone for four months. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I hope you can find someone who can help carry your baggage but I can't. It was more then I could possibly do." Her lip trembled as she put her phone back in her pocket. She had no intention of replying. She hates this.
It felt like her hearts been ripped open for everyone to see. She felt like a teenage girl crying over a boy. She couldn't help the sob that escaped her mouth. More sobs tumbled from her like vomit. She leaned against the steering wheel, letting her grief overtake her:
Jarvis must have said something because once she got her composure together enough to go up to the kitchen, Clint was waiting with a fresh mug of her favorite tea and a carton of her favorite ice cream. It made a few more tears silently fall before she tackled her best friend, holding him like a life line as she cried into his shoulder.
He held her, rubbing her back, generally trying to be as comforting as possible because he had no idea how to deal with this. He could only assume to handle it like a nightmare which he could do. Wait for her to talk, don't try to pry it out. And once she calmed she started talking, Clint leading her into the living room with two mugs of tea and a container of ice cream. "Where is everybody?" Clint gave a little sigh. "Well soon as Jarvis notified me about you I kinda told them I wanted to talk to you alone. So we won't crowd you. There on there own floors." She nodded. He placed the vanilla ice cream on the coffee table along with two spoons.
She smiled weakly, her voice horse and eyes red as she curled on the couch. "You know I don't need the entire container." He gave her a look. "It's a break up tradition and as your honorary older brother it's a must." She nodded. "Oh. Tradition now." She sipped her tea before frowning, holding the mug close. "He couldn't handle me. He couldn't handle the baggage that came with me. I don't blame him. There's so much red in my ledger and he only got a glimpse of it. Maybe he saw what a monster I really am." Her voice got thick and tears welled again.
Clint tilted her head to face him. "Hey. Don't ever say anything like that about yourself. Your not a monster. You've done so much more good then you have bad. Don't let your past define who you are now. And right now your Natasha Romanoff. The Black Widow and my best friend and a member of the avengers. I'd say that person is pretty impressive." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "I caught him cheating on me. He said he was gonna break things off civilized when I got back but I surprised him. I know I'm not very feminine and I wouldn't have been able to give him what he wants so I understand if he wants someone better. I just wished he would have gotten it over with."
Clint had no idea what to say to that. He really wanted to punch Matt in the face for handling this horribly. He could understand why he couldn't handle the Black Widow. If he had been up front and honest it wouldn't be so bad but to cheat on his best friend? This guy was a real idiot. He just handed over the ice cream container with two spoons in it. "FRIDAY. Play a Disney movie. Any is fine." Natasha smiled sadly, wiping the tears from her face as the credits for Tangled came on.
About 20 minutes into it Steve walks in looking sheepish and concerned. "Uh ok if I join you guys?" Natasha smiled over, patting the seat next to her. "I'd love it captain." Steve smiled, sitting next to her. Another 10 minutes and Thor,Wanda and Pietro came into the living room. Thor speaking quietly. "May we join you watching the moving story?" Clint chuckled. "The more the merrier." The three of them walk in, sitting cuddled on the ground. Sam followed. Not even asking. Just siting with the cuddle pile of super heroes. Natasha looked around. "Where's Tony? I would think he would be joining us. He loves Disney movies."
Steve sighed. "Well he kinda got the same notification from Jarvis that Natasha returned. Nothing else, he brought up security feed thorough and saw how upset you were. And now let's just say he's trying to put extra work into either ruining Matt's career or working harder to find Bruce." Clint spoke up. "Probably both." Wanda was next. "He feels guilty. Anthony feels so much guilt, he feels it's his fault the big one has run away." Pietro made an amused sound. "Anthony is an idiot."
Natasha got up with a sigh. "Guess I'l just have to drag him up here." She started to walk away, upstairs to the lab. She put her code in, walking inside seeing him working at the computer desk. "Your the only one not in the cuddle pile." He didn't turn, continuing to type. "Well I do have a big, green dork to find." She walked further in. "You know as well as I do that if he doesn't want to be found he won't be."
He stopped, turning to her. His face looked worried if not a little terrified. "You ok?" She crossed her arms. A lump growing in her throat from the thought of Matt dumping her like day old trash. She swallowed. "A little heartbroken but I'l be ok. I'd be better if you joined us for Disney movies and ice cream. We can mend both our broken hearts." She knew she hit a nerve when he turned away a moment. She knew the whole "pepper running the company" was a ruse. She dumped him because she couldn't handle his baggage.
He stood with a sigh. " you make a compelling argument. Let's go stuff ourselves full of ice cream until the hurt goes away." She smiled weakly, putting her arm thru his. "Best thing I've heard all day." They walked in, taking up the couch with Clint and Steve, the rest cuddled on the floor while more movies played and ice cream was never ending. She knew she would be ok. It'll hurt but she had the best family to lean on when it gets rough.