The first thing you do when you return to your dorm room is to drop all your groceries right by the entrance. Then you take off your winter jacket and toss it onto the bed.
It was a few days until Christmas and you were stocking up till New Year’s so you don’t have to worry about shopping later. Loki is also due for a visit soon, since he’d promised you that he’d spend these days with you. It’s a good thing that your roommate has gone home for the holidays. Kali and her family went holidaying in Australia, where it’s summer. She’d wanted you to come with them, but you’d politely declined, saying that you were preparing for the next term. But honestly, you just wanted to see Loki.
Here, it’s extremely cold and there was even a snow blizzard that had many people trapped in their homes. You had had to trudge through the snow to get back to your dorm and you were tired and cold and sweaty all at the same time.
A warm shower. Followed by a cup of hot chocolate. While reading one of the Asgardian novels that Loki had gotten you. Maybe some Netflix in the background. That’s what you need.
“(Y/N).”
You shriek and turn to see Loki closing the door behind him. He briefly glances at the grocery bags by his feet before taking a few hesitant steps closer to you.
“Oh my God, Loki, don’t scare me like that!” You gasp out, holding a hand over your heart. Then you notice what he’s wearing. He may as well be going to a formal event with that suit and tie. For the first time ever, he’s not in his usual royal Asgardian attire.
You have to admit, whether he’s in Asgardian clothes or Midgardian clothes, he pulls it off well.
“Hey, Earth clothes suit you.” You say once you recover from the near-heart attack.
“(Y/N)…” he repeats and you do a double take. Because while physically, he may look well, there is a haunted look in his eyes. Also, he hasn’t started teasing you for being startled by his sudden appearance. An un-mischievous Loki is a troubled Loki.
“Are you okay, Loki?” you ask, concern bleeding into your voice.
Loki is silent for a long while. His eyes are on his hands, looking at them as if he’s seeing it for the first time. And was that…fear in his eyes?
You take a few hesitant steps closer to him. “Loki?”
It’s only when you’re standing directly in front of him does he notice you. He takes in your concerned face and your hesitant hands reaching towards him.
“(Y/N)…” He repeats your name for the third time and reaches back. But just before his fingers could touch yours, he jerks himself away. “Don’t touch me. I can’t – I can’t control it…”
“Can’t control what?”
“Cold. I’m cold…”
Without hesitating, you yank the covers off your bed and hold it out to Loki, taking care to keep your distance. Whatever is happening to him, you don’t want to make it worse.
Loki looks at the sheets in your hands for a good twenty seconds, before turning his gaze to you. “I’m not cold. I’m cold…inside…” he whispers, voice breaking at the last word.
“Loki…what’s going on?” you ask, voice slightly more panicked. You’ve never seen Loki in this state before and it’s seriously worrying you. “Please tell me what’s going on. I want to help you.”
Loki shakes his head several times. “You can’t. You can’t help me. You can’t help me. N-no one can help me…”
You take a small step towards him.
“I said: don’t come near me, mortal!” Loki suddenly shouts, making you jump.
Mortal. That’s new. It sounds like an insult. And it actually hurts. You will deny this with your dying breath, but you miss being called ‘pet’ now.
Just what exactly is going on?
Loki seems to realize that he just yelled at you and says softly, “Ju-just…please (Y/N)…stay away. I don’t want to hurt you…”
You blink several times, getting more and more confused by the second. Since you’re not getting a straight answer in Loki’s panicked state, you decide to take a shower; you were still a little sweaty from your cold yet exhausting trip to the grocery store. Also, maybe a little bit of distance would be good for Loki to calm down. So with unconcealed reluctance, you grab some clothes, a towel and your hair products (since your roommate was a leech and didn’t know how much to use, you kept your stuff with you) and head over to the bathroom.
You pause at the door. “I’m going to take a shower.” You tell him, voice a forced calm, “I’ll be back in ten minutes. Can you wait for me, please?”
“I’ll be here…” You hear Loki say and that’s all the confirmation you need. You close the door behind you and lock it before removing your clothes, then hop into the shower.
When you exit the bathroom fifteen minutes later, Loki is at your vanity table and looking at himself in the mirror.
“Goodness Loki, if I knew you were that much of a narcissist, I would have had a full length mirror installed.” You tease him, trying your best to make the situation light, but your voice comes out too strained.
Loki turns so fast you’re surprised he didn’t get whiplash. Then you blink a couple of times, not sure if what you’re seeing is real.
“Wha…” your voice trails off and your mouth hangs open in shock and wonder and maybe a little bit of fear.
Loki’s usual pallor is replaced with a dark blue, his skin is covered in strange tribal markings, his eyes have turned a blood red and he tilts his head to one side, watching you carefully. For what, you don’t know.
“Wha-what?” you stutter. Then you remember; the day Loki told you of Asgard and all the other realms. One such realm that contained big blue people with red eyes and the ability to control the cold.
Jotunheim. Frost Giants.
Loki is a Frost Giant.
What?
“I-I…what?”
Great. Now you sound like a broken record.
Loki is just watching you, face void of emotion. You want to know what he’s thinking, but while he can read you like a book, you are unable to return the favor.
“I…I don’t…what…I…?” You mentally slap yourself, then forcefully swallow your stutters and say, “I don’t understand. Your dad–”
“My father,” Loki cuts in, voice cold and venomous, as if saying ‘father’ was a hardship for him, “is a liar and a cruel old man.”
“But-but I don’t get it. Why would he lie to yo–?”
“He lied because he sought to stop war…by kidnapping an abandoned child.” He cuts in again, moving towards you slowly. You take an involuntary step backwards. “He kidnapped the one person that no one would miss.” He continues to advance towards you and you back up into the wall. “I was but a hostage in that castle I called ‘home’ for over eight millennia. I was nothing to them.” He places his hands on the wall on either side of your head, successfully caging you in, “Nothing but a pawn, a bargaining chip. Surrounded by pretty words and sweet smiles; lies to help me sleep at night.”
“L-Loki…you’re scaring me.” You stammer. You put your hands on his chest and try to push him away. But upon making contact with his armor, you feel so cold that you withdraw immediately.
“You should be scared of me, mortal.” Loki whispers, leaning down so his face is level with yours. His red eyes gaze into yours, piercing into your soul and making you feel cold. “I am a monster. I’ve no heart, no soul, only the desire to bring chaos and pain. I can’t feel, I can’t love. I can’t–”
“Loki, please–” You try but you’re cut off by Loki’s laughter. It’s cruel and hysteric and you’re getting colder by the second. You close your eyes and turn your head to the side as a tear rolls down your cheek. “Loki stop…”
“Look at me, (Y/N).” Loki mutters. When you don’t obey, a hand grasps your wet hair and forces your head straight. You try to struggle against him, but his grip is too strong. “I said: LOOK AT ME!”
It takes a while, but Loki waits you out and you eventually comply, opening your eyes as more tears trail down your face.
Loki stares at you for a long while and you can tell from the look in his eyes that he’s battling himself. Then he whispers, “This is what I am, (Y/N).” His lips are all but touching your ear. The hand that’s not tangled in your hair comes up to your neck, tantalizingly caressing the pulse points, “A cold, heartless monster. And you know what cold and heartless monsters do to pathetic mortals like you?” You can only gape at him, wide-eyed as he tightens his grip around your neck and squeezes just enough that you can still breathe, but aren’t able to take full, proper breaths. “We crush them. We snap their tiny little necks. We rip out their hearts and we feast on them. We bathe in their blood. We–”
You punch him so hard that he staggers back a few steps. And ow, you may or may not have broken a few fingers in the process. But the pain doesn’t matter to you; not when there is so much adrenaline coursing through your veins.
“That’s what you are, huh?” You ask, voice hard and angry. You stalk towards him and shove him. He barely moves an inch, but that doesn’t matter. The shocked look on his blue face means you got your message across. “That’s what you are? Then tell me Loki, have these past twelve years meant nothing to you?! When you held me while I cried and gave me roses and frikkin’ apples! Is that what cold and heartless people do? Cuddle with six-year-olds on Christmas? Eat their green Jelly Beans? Give them jewelry? Shower them in kisses? Because if that’s what cold and heartless monsters do then I fear for the world, because there are people out there who are much worse than you.”
You’re breathing hard by the time you finish your moment of rage, tears streaming freely down your face. But you don’t pay any mind. Your eyes are on Loki, who’s looking at you like you just electrocuted him or something.
You choke down a sob and whisper, “You’re not a monster Loki.” You take hesitant steps towards him, “You’re not cruel or heartless or cold or any of those things,” you stop when you’re right in front of him, “Because if you were, you wouldn’t have taken the time to console a lonely six-year-old girl. Your past speaks for itself. Just because your blood runs a little cooler than everyone else’s, doesn’t mean you can’t feel emotions or bring yourself to care about people. Because you care for me. I know you do. And as for me, I don’t care if your skin is pale or blue or even red I love you for who you a–”
You’re cut off by freezing lips covering your own. Without even thinking about it, you close your eyes and wrap your arms around his neck, kissing him back for all you’re worth. He’s cold, painfully so. But despite that, you try to show him all your compassion, your love, your heart through that kiss and Loki reciprocates with intensity.
When you pull away, you see that Loki’s blue skin is replaced with the usual paleness, blue eyes gazing down at you apprehensively.
“You…love me?” he finally asks.
“That’s a stupid question. Of course I do!” Your voice comes out a little sore even as more tears gather at the corner of your eyes.
“But I…I’m a monster…” Loki whispers, “And I –” he pauses, eyes lingering on your neck. “(Y/N) I hurt you!” he suddenly exclaims.
“What?” You ask as Loki wrenches himself away from you. “No, you didn’t. I’m perfectly fine!”
You attempt to near Loki again but he holds his hands out in front of himself. “Don’t come any closer. My touch…it’s harmful.”
“What are you talking about? It’s not! We’ve been cuddling for twelve frikkin’ years, Loki! I think I would know!”
“That was then. But now…I…I cannot control myself.” Even as he says those words, you see his skin turn blue again, eyes going back to red. “I must leave…”
There is a tone of finality in his voice.
“Loki…please…” You try to persuade him, but Loki seems to have come to a decision.
“This is goodbye, (Y/N).” He murmurs, and in the next second, he’s gone.
You stare at the spot he was in, not quite comprehending what he said.
Goodbye, as in forever goodbye? God, please no. You don’t know what you’d do without Loki’s monthly visits. You realize how dependent you’ve become on him.
Your eyes catch your reflection in the mirror and you have to do a double take. With shaky legs, you approach your vanity table and get a good look at yourself. Your eyes are puffy and red, with tear tracks down your cheek. Your lips are pink tinged with blue, your neck has a bluish handprint and your hair has frikkin’ icicles hanging off of them like a Christmas decoration! You look down at the hand you punched Loki with and yup, there’s blue there too. One of your finger is also bent at an odd angle while the others throb painfully.
You hesitantly bring your uninjured hand up to touch the handprint on your neck and when you feel a jolt of pain, you jerk your hand away.
Frostbite.
All the places where Loki touched you were frostbitten. With your adrenaline rushing, you had failed to feel the pain. But now, it frikkin’ hurts.
This is why Loki wouldn’t touch you. Because his skin was cold to the point of harmful. He was trying to protect you by pushing you away.
“Please don’t leave…” you whisper at yourself in the mirror, then collapse to your knees, sobs racking your body as pain settles in everywhere.
You fall asleep on the floor, crying.
In your slumber, you don’t notice it when the AC is cranked up to maximum heat and a blanket is placed over your shivering form. In your slumber, you don’t notice it when a tender kiss is pressed to your lips, slightly worsening the frostbite, but not noticeably.
In your slumber, you don’t notice it when a soft voice whispers, “I love you, (Y/N).”